Cell phone question [updated]

[Lobe]

How are things going, YST?

[aileD]

i'm still looking and listening etc. He gives me access to his phone andI have a tracer on it, so I'd see deleted texts I think and there are none, he also keeps his GPS on now and shows me where he is while working because I've worried about that.

 

So...I had a gps in my WS truck and it would sit in the work parking lot all day while she would come get him in her car and they'd go off to **** during lunch.

[Robert]

We'll close this up pending the return of the thread-starter.

 

Please contact moderation via the 'Alert Us' button to re-open your thread.

 

Thanks,

~6

 

 

Reopened thread and merged update - William

Edited August 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[yepsurething]

[F]or those who asked how things are going wanted to give you an update.

 

still recording with the VAR and so far nothing new.

 

I know I let my husband know all of my ways or sneaking on him so maybe he's being really careful, and I don't believe nothing happened with him and the woman he worked with,

 

but I feel pretty confident that there is nothing going on now and that he is really sorry.

 

we had a few blow up fights and he admitted how horrible he's been regarding my feelings and has now basically opened up his whole life to me.

 

his phone, his computer, (he doesn't know I record him as far as I know) he leaves his GPS on so I can see where he is .

 

hope we're off to a new and better more open start or restart in our marriage.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement!!!!

Edited August 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads and reopen

[Lobe]

hope we're off to a new and better more open start or restart in our marriage.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement!!!!

 

I am hoping against hope itself that you scared him straight. Good luck, YST. I mean that from the bottom of my shrivelled black heart lol

 

PS it's OK to keep recording indefinitely. Just more the VAR from time to time

[aileD]

That's great news, tell me more about the VAR ?

[Whoknew30]

I am hoping against hope itself that you scared him straight. Good luck, YST. I mean that from the bottom of my shrivelled black heart lol

 

PS it's OK to keep recording indefinitely. Just more the VAR from time to time

 

It's not ok to keep recording, that's what a good marriage is, continuing to record your spouse. That's stalkerish behavior.

 

OP, you're marriage isn't doing better if you're still recording your H & especially not finding anything & still doing it. You're not happy bc he's treating you nicer you're happy bc you're spying & haven't found anything but are going to continue. Guess what, you've now become a person not to trust & you're the one being dishonest. If he finds out..then what? This is no way way to have a marriage or any relationship. You're lying to yourself, if you think you're being healthy. If you're recording your marriage isn't good.

[BetrayedH]

He's not "really sorry" if he's still lying straight to your face. And you clearly believe that you're still not getting the truth from him as you've said you don't believe that nothing happened with this woman at work.

 

I'm glad you're happier and that you feel confident that nothing is currently going on. But for me, the lies were the hardest part. My spouse is supposed to be my partner for all things in life. If my partner for all things in life has no problem lying straight to my face (especially about having a relationship with someone else), I'd just rather not have a partner. In your case, those lies are still being told. It's not in the past. It's still actively happening.

 

I'm sorry but you're rug sweeping.

[Lobe]

It's obvious YST is choosing to rug sweep. She has bigger fish to fry right now and wants to put the affair on the back burner for now. If you think about it logically, she's flying under the radar now and eventually hubby will screw up. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give all the rope a person needs to hang themselves. YST knows it ain't over or she would have taken the VAR out. He will get sloppy when he gets comfortable. That's my guess.

[elaine567]

It's not ok to keep recording, that's what a good marriage is, continuing to record your spouse. That's stalkerish behavior.

 

OP, you're marriage isn't doing better if you're still recording your H & especially not finding anything & still doing it. You're not happy bc he's treating you nicer you're happy bc you're spying & haven't found anything but are going to continue. Guess what, you've now become a person not to trust & you're the one being dishonest. If he finds out..then what? This is no way way to have a marriage or any relationship. You're lying to yourself, if you think you're being healthy. If you're recording your marriage isn't good.

 

Who said the marriage is good?

YST is very aware of what is wrong in her marriage, she knows he is most likely still lying.

She can't afford to take her eye off the ball and pretend to herself all is well in her marriage surely?

[road]

Checking up on a WS after an affair is the only way to know that NC is truly happening.

 

 

Without knowing there is NC between the AP's then the trust can never be repaired.

[Whoknew30]

Who said the marriage is good?

YST is very aware of what is wrong in her marriage, she knows he is most likely still lying.

She can't afford to take her eye off the ball and pretend to herself all is well in her marriage surely?

 

She's cheating false happiness for herself is what I'm saying. If you're only happy in a relationship bc your spying & not finding anything you shouldn't be in the relationship. Iit's ridiculous that people think bc they were lied to or hurt that doing the same back is ok. "I got lied to" so now I can't secrete my record some as long as want...it's just as bad as a WS. It's also deceptive & two wrongs don't make a right.

 

You don't trust, get out. You don't secretly record your spouse. Thats stalkerish, weird & extremely desperate.

[merrmeade]

...it's just as bad as a WS.

No. It's not just as bad as a WS.

[Whoknew30]

No. It's not just as bad as a WS.

 

Yes it is...now she's a liar bc she hasn't caught him doing anything...so actually in this case she's worse.

[BluesPower]

I don't want to single anyone out but I think that some of us are being a little hard on OP about this situation.

 

I am not sure that Husband did/did not sleep with someone, lunch girl or maybe someone else.

 

His behavior has been very suspicious, most especially clearing out his phone and his other behaviors. Weather his did something or not OP had every right to snoop and be worried.

 

I disagree with anyone that says a H & W should have any secrets or "privacy", so to speak, for any reason. I know others feel differently, but it is a breeding ground for infidelity.

 

No one is above it, so please be real if you think you are. I have been both BS and WS, trust me I know.

 

Attractive men and woman are going to get hit on all the time, and sometimes it comes when you are at your weakest.

 

So my point is, I think everyone should lighten up on this situation. No one knows exactly what happened on either side for sure.

 

 

Just saying...

[merrmeade]

Yes it is...now she's a liar bc she hasn't caught him doing anything...so actually in this case she's worse.

She's not worse if you're still calling him a WS.

[yepsurething]

It's not ok to keep recording, that's what a good marriage is, continuing to record your spouse. That's stalkerish behavior.

 

OP, you're marriage isn't doing better if you're still recording your H & especially not finding anything & still doing it. You're not happy bc he's treating you nicer you're happy bc you're spying & haven't found anything but are going to continue. Guess what, you've now become a person not to trust & you're the one being dishonest. If he finds out..then what? This is no way way to have a marriage or any relationship. You're lying to yourself, if you think you're being healthy. If you're recording your marriage isn't good.

 

I am still recording and not sure when I will feel ok enough to stop. My husband did lie after saying he was telling the truth, so in my opinion he isn't trustworthy and Im not going to let myself be lied to again and if it takes weeks or months for me to trust him than thats how it will go.

[yepsurething]

One question related to your logic—i.e., maybe he's telling the truth about everything based on the fact that he made one of his crude comments clearly provoked by his need to prove his manliness to his male colleagues:

 

How do you explain his efforts to hide his phone messages when you first started asking questions? Why did he stop seeing the woman (women?) that you were worried about?

 

If you have an explanation that totally makes sense to you and you're at peace with, that's all that matters. For me, the more I live with my knowledge of what my husband did, the better I am at picking up inconsistencies now. And I never dismiss anything on the basis of - well, poor thing, he's burdened with this programming to be this way.

 

So YST, just saying to keep raising your standards for BOTH of you. Expect the best and you'll get the best.

 

these are good questions.

 

I don't think he was really sorry in the beginning, but I think as he's gotten close to me again and our family he realized what he was risking and seems to be really sorry now and is being open as far as I know.

 

but I do still worry that he's lying to keep me happy. and I know he's not telling me everything, because I think he feels like a real scum bag for acting like he did, so I hope thats enough to make him change?

 

but Im still listening to hear if he's telling the truth now and if I can find out what really happened so I can stop worrying about it.

[elaine567]

I am still recording and not sure when I will feel ok enough to stop. My husband did lie after saying he was telling the truth, so in my opinion he isn't trustworthy and Im not going to let myself be lied to again and if it takes weeks or months for me to trust him than thats how it will go.

 

I agree, if you found your business partner had lied to you, then you would either kick him out or monitor his activity until he proved he was trustworthy.

Seems some would like wives to blindly trust as "love" supposedly means they should trust completely, no matter what happens...

That only makes sense to someone who is cheating, as they then have free rein to do what they want, without fear of being found out.

[yepsurething]

Yes it is...now she's a liar bc she hasn't caught him doing anything...so actually in this case she's worse.

 

well actually I did 'catch' him doing something, lying, which is a huge thing, then talking sexually about coworkers and every other female alive. maybe thats standard for a lot of men, but that doesn't mean it's ok.

 

at least not for me.

 

so since I haven't lied about anything except my spying source (and my husband is well aware Im spying and now encourages it, maybe to get me off his case...not sure)

 

I have access to his phone, computer currently. I didn't used to have that access.

 

I wouldn't have this if I hadn't spied. life would have gone on as usual,now I feel like Im on more equal ground because I know who my husband really is.

 

I can be recorded for days, and besides sounding like a goof ball, there won't be any talk about f'ing my coworkers or men friends so just because he's a man doesn't give him the right to act like a disrespectful jerk.

[yepsurething]

If I read my posts from the beginning it makes me cry and my life feels really different, and I'm hoping that my husband really has changed and isn't acting like he was not because he thinks I'm spying but because he wants to be a good husband and dad.

 

when I first posted my husband was No on me seeing his phone and computer emails. Now that is all available to me, and not begrudgingly.

 

anyone else experience their partner really changing and things turning around for the better. I want to think that can happen for us. We seem closer than we've ever been in some ways, but I still worry,

 

and in the VAR recordings I hear conversations he has where I feel he's more friendly with women then I would prefer and talks about our kids, family, mentions me (which is good I guess, not saying bad stuff, just 'my wife said' type thing regarding out kids. etc. and I wish he wasn't sharing personal info with female coworkers but maybe that's standard?? talking about your kids?

 

and some of the females definitely seem to flirt with him and I'm not happy with it, but Icould be sensitive after all that's happened. not sure if he used to flirt back doesn't seem like he does?

 

one women in particular sits in his office for long stretches talking to him and he's never mentioned her. she's flirts and chats about her whole life to him and he talks back about our kids and me bit. I notice when he mentions me she gets quiet...maybe my imagination.

 

having good days and bad days, listening on.

[yepsurething]

He knows you're spying... He allows you to see what he knows you will see. He wasn't allowing that before because he was hiding things. He's removed what he was hiding and now you see what he allows.

 

I don't know any man that would "allow" any woman to sit in their office blabbing personal info unless that man were interested on some level. It's normal for even a cheating man to mention his wife/kids to anyone being groomed as an OW.. It's called exchanging personal info to become closer.

 

When I don't intend to become close to a person - I give them zero personal info. Zero means I'm not offering closeness to that person.

 

You can see it however you wish... But on some level he IS participating with her just by listening to all her info.

 

 

I agree I dont like it, but how is he supposed to ask this worker to leave when he is basically one of her bosses and she's half talking about work and half talking about personal things?

 

is talking about your kids and family pretty normal though? should all office work be just office?

 

anyone else chime in here?

[CarrieT]

is talking about your kids and family pretty normal though?

It has been in every office I have ever worked in - regardless of relationship status or sexual orientation.

 

should all office work be just office?

No. Because when it comes down to it, many people in office settings end up spending more awake, cognizant time with their co-workers than they do their partners so having their "other life" bleed into their job is commonplace.

 

Look, my husband is a doctor. He works 10- and 12-hour days. At best, we have 3 to 4 waking hours together a day while he has at least 8 hours of time with his office staff. Of course, when I go into his office, every single person in there knows who I am and frequently knows more about what is happening in our personal lives (travel, his kids, etc.) just because that sort of stuff is what gets bantered about in between seeing patients.

[Lobe]

I agree I dont like it, but how is he supposed to ask this worker to leave when he is basically one of her bosses and she's half talking about work and half talking about personal things?

 

is talking about your kids and family pretty normal though? should all office work be just office?

 

anyone else chime in here?

 

In passing yes, I chat about the hubs, the kids, our vacation. I ask clients about things they've shared with me as a part of cultivating/establishing a close client relationship, but it's to develop a sense of loyalty and commitment so that I can take their money, not so I can get into bed with them.

 

YST, have you read "NOT just friends" yet? It's the casual banter that becomes too casual and friendly that slips past boundaries and develops into an emotional attachment.

 

As far as WH doing a 180 after being caught, yes, my husband did a 180 but that's because we had a concrete d-day and while there was trickle truth, he did not try and outright lie whereas your WH (and yes, I think he was a WH) is still keeping his cards close to his chest because he has repeatedly lied thorugh his teeth to you (which you know). It may well be that he knows you are spying and managed to find other ways of carrying on without you being able to track him - burner phone, using his desktop computer at work to carry on, staging conversations for you to overhear - or that he honestly just had a change of heart. Something doesn't sit right with the whole situation you're in, but I can't quite put my finger on it. What times of day do you truly have no "view" of him?

[yepsurething]

It has been in every office I have ever worked in - regardless of relationship status or sexual orientation.

 

 

No. Because when it comes down to it, many people in office settings end up spending more awake, cognizant time with their co-workers than they do their partners so having their "other life" bleed into their job is commonplace.

 

Look, my husband is a doctor. He works 10- and 12-hour days. At best, we have 3 to 4 waking hours together a day while he has at least 8 hours of time with his office staff. Of course, when I go into his office, every single person in there knows who I am and frequently knows more about what is happening in our personal lives (travel, his kids, etc.) just because that sort of stuff is what gets bantered about in between seeing patients.

 

do you know the workers by name? does you husband tell you that he talks to female coworkers and what they talk about? My husband NEVER mentions these women he talks to and has told me outright he never talks to women about personal things.

 

for me I feel unhappy that firstly my husband tells me he has no female friends which is a huge lie and the things he was talking to this coworker about are definitely friendly, not just work...talking about kids on a very personal level, me (and not a super favorable comment after I listen again) their voices sound flirtatious...and as I've listened to dozens of recording of my husband talking to men and women I can easily tell the difference. At one point he tells her how bad he feels she can't be a stay at home mom to her kids and tells her to have another baby!!!?? and in the next comment talks about me getting upset by being a stay at home mom etc. but telling her how great she would be at it.

 

he talks to her about how they've had this conversation before and she should listen to him, and then he confided in how much he misses our kids cause they are growing up and she tells him to have more kids!! is this more than friendly talk? I feel like saying F off lady. dont be telling my husband to have kids!!! thats a talk for us alone.

 

I have only been to my husbands office once and met one of his boss years ago (the position he now holds), and after that he told me that his boss was jealous and acted like a bitch after meeting me?? when I met her my hubby was picking up stuff at the office for a vacation and she tells me to 'take good care of him' while he was gone. ??

 

ok, this was years ago and I suspected his boss had a crush of sorts on him, which he denied like mad, but it always stuck in my head that a boss shouldn't be jealous of her employees wife and the take care of him thing..never seemed appropriate. who is she to tell ME to take care of MY husband?

 

I've never been keen on my husband having close female friends so I guess he just denies having female friends instead of just keeping it casual, which I know he can do because I hear him blow off men that he doesn't want to talk to. and the women he has no interest in he keeps it casual.

 

He seems to clearly get a big boost from these women crushing on him and flirting with him

 

about to blow my top really.