Cell phone question [updated]

[merrmeade]

So easy to sit in the sidelines in judgment rather than true empathy. Merrmeade, you embody empathy and I found your posts insightful and honest from day one but this? Thank you for verbalizing what I was struggling to. YST, embrace your voice. Don't feel guilty for stepping up. THAT is feminist. You are a pioneer in your relationship YST.

Likewise, Lobe! But I know you also agree this is ALL about YST's very personal struggle with not just the dishonesty but the relationship dynamics, expectations and overall quality of life she's accepted without question for too many years.

 

No one should apologize for using the F-word - ever - BUT I also know that "feminism" as a label is threatening to some and ends up getting maligned along with the women embracing it. So I'd rather not go there for YST's sake. It's not the venue for it and detracts from her individual issues and progress. She's the one at home trying to figure out what's important to her long-term in this pivotal moment in her marriage.

 

Sorry, YST, but we had to clear the air a bit. Back to you. How's it going?

[Whoknew30]

Oh dear. It just got worse.

 

YST is just beginning to realize her own worth. She's not your mom. This isn't about feminism. It's an individual struggling to identify and then realize in her own life what's important to her in her relationship. Once they get clear on that, they'll both be better people. But he can't do it without her firm stand. And all this is dependent on whether the truth is clean enough for her to forgive the lying. He's lost her trust, so they have to figure out how to get past that or give up. She's not the one needing to prove herself trustworthy, and she is NOT why he "does what he does."

 

Her husband can't watch porn (which means she's telling how to masterbate) she wants to know every conversation he's having at work. She found out a conversation he had with his friends & flipped, he can't have lunch with female coworkers & he'd didn't cheat! The man hasn't cheated she's found nothing. It doesn't sound like there has ever been anything wrong with her voice. She's been at home raising kids for a long time, it's not his fault she is stuck in the house. That's a together, relationship choice.

 

Also she said he told her to build her credit up, if a guy is really controlling how & why would she be in the position to be able to build up their credit? He'd be in control of that.

 

Remember Mer, her husband hasn't cheated & she even taped him & found nothing. He lies to her bc he doesn't want t to hear her nag. If I truly didn't cheat & was being treated like I did, I'd behave the same way. Though I'll be honest, someone telling me how I can masterbate would be a deal breaker, that's WAY to possive for me.

[Whoknew30]

So easy to sit in the sidelines in judgment rather than true empathy. Merrmeade, you embody empathy and I found your posts insightful and honest from day one but this? Thank you for verbalizing what I was struggling to. YST, embrace your voice. Don't feel guilty for stepping up. THAT is feminist. You are a pioneer in your relationship YST.

 

Empathy is good but not when you're giving advice & I'll tell you why. When being empathetic when someone has asked for a honest opinion can come across that you agree with exactly what they're doing. It's not judgemental to say it's completely unhealthy to be recording your husband's calls, it's called logical truth.

[merrmeade]

Her husband can't watch porn (which means she's telling how to masterbate) she wants to know every conversation he's having at work. She found out a conversation he had with his friends & flipped, he can't have lunch with female coworkers & he'd didn't cheat! The man hasn't cheated she's found nothing. It doesn't sound like there has ever been anything wrong with her voice. She's been at home raising kids for a long time, it's not his fault she is stuck in the house. That's a together, relationship choice.

 

Also she said he told her to build her credit up, if a guy is really controlling how & why would she be in the position to be able to build up their credit? He'd be in control of that.

 

Remember Mer, her husband hasn't cheated & she even taped him & found nothing. He lies to her bc he doesn't want t to hear her nag. If I truly didn't cheat & was being treated like I did, I'd behave the same way. Though I'll be honest, someone telling me how I can masterbate would be a deal breaker, that's WAY to possive for me.

Hilarious. No response.

[Lobe]

Hilarious. No response.

 

Imma just go ahead and ditto that...

[yepsurething]

No woman (person but I'm about girl power) should ever allow herself to fall to a miserable desperate level for anyone...she's always worth more than that. Also one has to pick battles, it's fine to say what you think is appropriate work conversations but it's not healthy to want to know every single word spoken & demand to see your spouses phone like their a kid...that's not having a voice that's trying to be your spouse parent & parenting a spouse doesn't work bc they start treating you like a parent back instead of a spouse.

 

well, I don't think it's being a parent to want to see my husbands phone, and he's admitted he was hiding porn, and crude pics and chats and what an f'er he was.

 

so now he doesn't hide things. and he's glad to be open and doesnt feel like Im his mom but his partner who can know him deeply.

 

and as you aren't in the same position there is no comparison to being the one who sits at home NOT cheating or flirting.

 

I'm finding the people who want the most privacy are the ones who have the most to hide.

 

oh, and you said something about controlling his masturbation. haha. yeah, well, guys lived without porn for a few hundred thousand years and managed, and if you read what I said, I don't have an issue with his looking at porn anymore, and he is honest now about it.

[yepsurething]

Her husband can't watch porn (which means she's telling how to masterbate) she wants to know every conversation he's having at work. She found out a conversation he had with his friends & flipped, he can't have lunch with female coworkers & he'd didn't cheat! The man hasn't cheated she's found nothing. It doesn't sound like there has ever been anything wrong with her voice. She's been at home raising kids for a long time, it's not his fault she is stuck in the house. That's a together, relationship choice.

 

Also she said he told her to build her credit up, if a guy is really controlling how & why would she be in the position to be able to build up their credit? He'd be in control of that.

 

Remember Mer, her husband hasn't cheated & she even taped him & found nothing. He lies to her bc he doesn't want t to hear her nag. If I truly didn't cheat & was being treated like I did, I'd behave the same way. Though I'll be honest, someone telling me how I can masterbate would be a deal breaker, that's WAY to possive for me.

 

ok, I already answered you regarding ''telling'' my husband how to masturbate, if you would end your marriage over your spouse not liking porn thats not a very strong marriage to begin with. but like I said I dont tell him to not look at porn.

 

I have the right to ask for no private lunches with women, and its not his 'fault' I'm at home because it was our choice as a family, Ive never been unhappy at home, Im unhappy that he feels he can have a completely different life away from our life. and that has ended from what i can tell. something he's very sorry about and regrets and wants to just move forward with our lives as we always planned and try to make things better as well.

 

and he was telling me to build my credit because I have none. He made me file for bankruptcy several years ago and it destroyed my credit, and he wanted to build my credit so he could leave me, because his head was full of the fantasy life he was living away from home. He doesn't have my name on the house, said he's going to change that...and he has finally put in an app for me to be on the checking account...I guess it sounds like he does control the credit and finances to me.

[merrmeade]

I'm at home because it was our choice as a family, Ive never been unhappy at home, Im unhappy that he feels he can have a completely different life away from our life. and that has ended from what i can tell. something he's very sorry about and regrets and wants to just move forward with our lives as we always planned and try to make things better as well.

 

and he was telling me to build my credit because I have none. He made me file for bankruptcy several years ago and it destroyed my credit, and he wanted to build my credit so he could leave me, because his head was full of the fantasy life he was living away from home. He doesn't have my name on the house, said he's going to change that...and he has finally put in an app for me to be on the checking account...I guess it sounds like he does control the credit and finances to me.

That keeping you dependent at home was a choice is all well and good, but I think you see now why you can't afford for your welfare and your kids' to depend on one person who might not always be so dependable.

 

So let's talk about you making yourself less vulnerable in future for a minute: Please get behind the promises and make lists with dates for every step to make sure it happens. They might not be as simple as going somewhere and signing something or just making a phone call.

#1 - checking account: He may have to open a new one with both your names. My husband is not joint on one of mine, and they said we'd have to apply all over again to change it. Just find out and name a day to go to the bank to add your name to the checking account.

#2 - Call whoever (lawyer? mortgage company?) and get the papers drawn up for the house.

#3 - Maybe see a lawyer after all and just find out your rights and options? Just in case?

[Whoknew30]

ok, I already answered you regarding ''telling'' my husband how to masturbate, if you would end your marriage over your spouse not liking porn thats not a very strong marriage to begin with. but like I said I dont tell him to not look at porn.

 

I have the right to ask for no private lunches with women, and its not his 'fault' I'm at home because it was our choice as a family, Ive never been unhappy at home, Im unhappy that he feels he can have a completely different life away from our life. and that has ended from what i can tell. something he's very sorry about and regrets and wants to just move forward with our lives as we always planned and try to make things better as well.

 

and he was telling me to build my credit because I have none. He made me file for bankruptcy several years ago and it destroyed my credit, and he wanted to build my credit so he could leave me, because his head was full of the fantasy life he was living away from home. He doesn't have my name on the house, said he's going to change that...and he has finally put in an app for me to be on the checking account...I guess it sounds like he does control the credit and finances to me.

 

Yep...you're going about this all wrong... not only do I know what it's like to be surrounded by people that all have office jobs, I've also been raised around some (culturally) of the most misogynistic like men there are...if your husband is up to no good or thinking about it, getting in his face isn't going to do anything but make him better at hiding things. Instead of being all about what he's doing while at work, create your own things to do away from him...join a gym, join an activity, something that is only for you. Do you have anything like that? It's noble that you stay home & take care of the kids but sometimes (& I've seen it from the women in my family) women take the identity of their family, now there isn't anything wrong with that but they (we) as women sometimes forget about & lose ourselves as individuals...once that happens it hard to see your spouse outside the home having all these other adult relationships & we're at home with the kids. I'm not implying you're not happy or didn't choose to be at home but only doing that for 18 years can mentally affect the strongest minded person.

 

I've gone through that in my younger days until I realized that id go crazy if I continued, I went out after & volunteered, started working out, have a girls night at least once a month & things really improved for me & my marriage, my husband really liked me getting out after awhile bc it made me happier for him & the kids...which then in turn made him want to be different too.

 

Find your own outlit & I'll bet not only yours situation but you yourself internally will change.

[S2B]

Let me see if I got this right...

 

You don't have a car

You aren't on the bank accounts with him

You aren't on the house

 

Yet he MADE YOU file bankruptcy?

 

I think things look backwards and you depend on him TOO much while getting no benefit of feeling financially secure.

 

You have made yourself vulnerable to him.

 

Work on changing things for yourself. Balance things out so you don't feel at the mercy of him/money he earns.

 

Any gal would feel they need to swallow a **** sandwich if they have no way to support themself. Start changing that FOR YOURSELF.

 

HE holdsALL your power and he knows it.

[Lobe]

YST, how goes the battle?

[NotASkunk]

It may just be porn but something he may be embarrassed to let you know about. Gay porn or midget sex. Sex is weird and sometimes people don't want their fantasies known.

[NotASkunk]

. If he's looking at gay porn but tells his wife he's straight, that's a problem.

 

Exactly, Curly!

[yepsurething]

YST, how goes the battle?

 

well currently trying to battle for placement of my grandkids, the state wants to put them up for open adoption to strangers. We've been fighting them (the state) for 2 years and they just ended my daughters parental rights a couple days ago. we're devastated.

 

and I'm trying really hard to just stop 'snooping' on my husband. ended the key stroke and stuff on his computer...it was costing money and I have to start somewhere. I stopped putting the recorder in his car or bag for the most part...that ones been tough, got hooked on the safe feeling of hearing his day.

 

and I stopped the program that got all of his texts etc from his phone. kind of cold turkey on all of it. been very hard I will say and Im feeling nervous, untrusting, but don't know what else to do.

 

all this family stress too is a lot to take.

 

anyone else have a tough time breaking away from spying and just getting back to trusting?

[yepsurething]

It may just be porn but something he may be embarrassed to let you know about. Gay porn or midget sex. Sex is weird and sometimes people don't want their fantasies known.

 

well, he is embarrassed of some of his porn, but we've talked quite a bit about it, he showed me what he looks at, what he likes etc.

 

so, I don't doubt he looks at porn secretly...not much I can do about that, but I thing he was hiding texts that were crude and inappropriate etc.

 

now, doesn't seem like he's hiding anything.. but it's soooo easy to hide stuff. who knows.

[S2B]

well currently trying to battle for placement of my grandkids, the state wants to put them up for open adoption to strangers. We've been fighting them (the state) for 2 years and they just ended my daughters parental rights a couple days ago. we're devastated.

 

and I'm trying really hard to just stop 'snooping' on my husband. ended the key stroke and stuff on his computer...it was costing money and I have to start somewhere. I stopped putting the recorder in his car or bag for the most part...that ones been tough, got hooked on the safe feeling of hearing his day.

 

and I stopped the program that got all of his texts etc from his phone. kind of cold turkey on all of it. been very hard I will say and Im feeling nervous, untrusting, but don't know what else to do.

 

all this family stress too is a lot to take.

 

anyone else have a tough time breaking away from spying and just getting back to trusting?

 

You couldn't possibly trust after what he's done.

 

You may not want to spy anymore...but I think it's mainly because you don't intend to change a thing no matter what you find. He knows you're spying - that's why he's behaving.

 

 

My best guess is he has a burner phone - that's why he offers you his phone you know about.

 

He figures you won't go looking for his hidden phone. It's probably kept at his office.

[road]

You couldn't possibly trust after what he's done.

 

You may not want to spy anymore...but I think it's mainly because you don't intend to change a thing no matter what you find. He knows you're spying - that's why he's behaving.

 

 

My best guess is he has a burner phone - that's why he offers you his phone you know about.

 

He figures you won't go looking for his hidden phone. It's probably kept at his office.

 

This is why the BS never ever reveals how they found out. This is why a VAR hidden in the house and WH car is a must. A long with a key logger on the PC and a real time GPS on his car.

 

 

Trust what you see but verify the rest.

[cc_zero]

This is why the BS never ever reveals how they found out. This is why a VAR hidden in the house and WH car is a must. A long with a key logger on the PC and a real time GPS on his car.

 

 

Trust what you see but verify the rest.

 

Yea, you almost have to verify in order to regain trust or else you are always questioning.

 

I gave up checking the phone, email, etc. I'm only doing 2 things to help myself regain trust and verify. GPS in the car and I got trail cams watching the driveway to the house. Basically.. I just want to verify she's never driving to the AP's house or the AP coming over when I'm at work.

 

I'll do that for a year past Dday and if I don't catch anything for a year, I will assume that's enough verification and stop it all.