Cell phone question [updated]

[yepsurething]

so Im gonna try to sneak his phone tonight and see. I guess if he gets mad he does.

 

and I went through his car tonight and in a box of garbage I found a work note and it was signed with 2 x's . like kisses. =(

[whichwayisup]

If he has nothing to hide then you looking at his phone should be no problem. But, that's not the case. You know he's up to no good, your gut is screaming it!

 

Give him some choices, to hand over the phone and come clean or he can pack his stuff and move out. That you're fed up and won't tolerate his crap anymore.

[Mr. Lucky]

thanks again for the replies. I guess Im a little disheartened to hear everyone say automatically that he's hiding something.

 

I though his furtive behavior was the premise for your post? At this point it's not if he's hiding something, it's what...

 

or if its just highly unethical to sneak his phone when he's sleeping and try to look at it. =(

 

You're not just being nosy, you're in survival mode. In order to protect myself and my kids, I wouldn't hesitate.

 

Mr. Lucky

[angelcake]

As someone whose phone was spied on for months (for no good reason might I add), I am one who believes in privacy. Having said that, I also believe that if a significant other tells you they are feeling insecure and asks to see your phone, that you should immediately turn it over to them.

 

Their peace of mind should come before privacy. Your hb definitely sounds like he is hiding something. There are a lot of red flags there. Don't feel bad about spying on his phone...your future in at stake here, and he has done nothing to ease your worries.

[angelcake]

You also should look into getting a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it in his vehicle, under his seat.

[sandylee1]

I'm probably the only different one here. My H and I both have passwords and neither has access to the others phone. If he asked to see my phone I'd hand it over.

 

My H values his privacy and has done from the beginning of our marriage.... so I don't even bother with making it an issue. He's not the cheating type.... I know loads of people say this.. but I know why I'm saying it about him. It just wouldn't sound great to post on here.

 

If I were to get married again or in hindsight I'd create total transparency....but we are set in those ways now.

 

Having said that.....I have conversations with my siblings via group chats about family matters concerning our parents that don't concern him and I like it that way. We also operate separate bank accounts ...so we're not the norm.

 

It has advantages and disadvantages.

 

Your H wants to leave that's the real issue.

[Sparkles72]

This sounds just like my partner, he use to hide round the corner with his phone, takes it to toilet with him, in the shower, hiding things. He looks at porn nearly every day, usually when he's in the shower. I found out last year that he was having a fling with a woman at our home on the occasions I was out. He'd known her 4 years and the 2 use to constantly text each other, I found this out through his phone bill. This caused many arguments and he promised to stop on several occasions. This started again then the texts turned sexual until a physical affair started. It ended when I found out. I had my suspicions so left a digital recorder under my sofa and it caught everything! That was 11 months ago and I am still with him for my sins, trying to rebuild our relationship.

 

If he has a gmail account (usually needed for mobiles) and password, that's a good way to spy on a PC, it will tell you what he is viewing on the net.

[Mr. Lucky]

That was 11 months ago and I am still with him for my sins, trying to rebuild our relationship.

 

Sparkles, there's a big difference between penance and punishment.

 

You should consider being responsible for your own happiness before you try and take on his, especially given the self-inflicted nature of his problems...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Did you take a look at his phone?

[TaraMaiden2]

I will assume she either had no opportunity, or bottled out....

 

Sad to think she feels she needs to confront him and get answers, when confrontation only makes him defensive, and his answers merely serve to insult and belittle her....

[Mr. Lucky]

Sad to think she feels she needs to confront him and get answers, when confrontation only makes him defensive, and his answers merely serve to insult and belittle her....

 

All true and someone ironic as I'd wager the phone's contents would only confirm what she already knows...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NewlySingleGuy]

He's up to no good, that is for sure. He is probably chatting with his ****buddy.

 

A normal person who had nothing to hide would not act like him. He's acting like a little immature kid who definitely has something to hide, which is what he is doing.

 

Hire a private investigator and have him find out if your husband is going places he shouldn't, and tell the PI the user accounts that your husband uses.

 

You need more information, but his actions are definitely saying he doesn't respect you and is up to no good.

[Whoknew30]

was your husband addicted to porn or you just have a problem with (bc there's a difference)? If he had a problem, it's definitely an issue that he's hiding (like any other addiction). If it's just you having the problem, IMO that changes things. I would bet that's what he's hiding but also I think cell phones are private. My husband & I don't go through each other's phones, I personally think it's rude to just want to go through someone's phone. Even in marriage some people like privacy & I am one them. I'd he really upset if my husband just wanted to go through my phone just bc.

[GunslingerRoland]

I agree with others in that whether he has stuff to hide on his phone or not he already has one foot out the door. Unless you are truly resolved to put up with whatever he will give you as long as he pays the bills, then you need to figure out how to deal with getting out of this situation.

 

 

A farm should make money, not cost money... it sounds like you are working a part time job and running a farm and that is all just going to cover the cost of the farm... maybe it's time to move on from the farm?

[Neil711]

FWIW, my wife thought I was up to something because I spent a lot of time on my phone and had a fingerprint scanner to get in. That's one way she was able to justify the conversations w her ex that eventually turned into an EA. Unlike you she never asked, and had she, I would have let her see I was up to nothing.

 

All that said, you may not need to go all out and put Spyware on his phone. Is it an Android? Androids are tied into Google and, if you can figure out his password just go to history.google.com. You can access his location history, Internet search history, YouTube watch and search history, and actually hear his voice on any voice to text functions he uses. You can also see what apps he uses each day. Once you log into his google account you can stay logged in, access facebook, and reset his Facebook password (choose the option not to kick other sessions off so he won't even know). Facebook messenger is a big tool for cheating because it doesn't show up on a phone bill.

 

I've done all of this. I'm quite good at it.

[yepsurething]

well, I did sneak on my husbands phone and found he's erased all messages and call logs. He said he did this because he had been texting work friends and they aren't supposed to text and his job was going to be inspecting phones so he erased it all. I do know that a friend of his got in trouble and fired at work and phones were being looked at, so that is true, however I had been asking for months just to take a glance at his phone and he wouldn't but maybe thats me being paranoid.

 

so a couple weeks ago my husband came home from work and started washing the car...something he's NEVER done, but said he was just excited to get it cleaned up...he even went and bought car shampoo (again, something he doesnt do) . ok, what ever. so then he tells me he has to leave extra early for work in the morning because of training he has to do, seemed a little weird cause he always does training and never had to leave at 530 am before.

 

so again, maybe I'm a worrier, but something seemed weird in the way he was acting, so after he left for work I got out of bed and saw at 530 am he's washing the passenger window and door, floor mat etc. again, maybe I'm being paranoid, but Im thinking why is he cleaning the passenger seat...he must be carpooling.

 

so later I ask him if he carpooled. well, he starts into a long story about how he wasn't carpooling and he's only driven someone a couple times in 10 years at the job and went into detail about those couple of times. I didn't believe him cause he was acting weird again, so I figured out his password on his work computer and found an email where he asks a female coworker if she wants to be picked up in the morning to head to training, and she says yes. apparently he works and trains with this women regularly for the last 2 years and he's NEVER mentioned her once. he mentions everyone btw.

 

I was pretty upset to find out he's lied, why would he lie about carpooling and then I find out it's a female. at first he tried to deny carpooling until I said I read his work emails, of course he instantly blames me and says its cause Im so jealous, and thats why he didn't tell me.

 

 

and I did find some questionable emails from the same female coworker. In one mail she she asks him when they can have a lunch "date" and in several emails he asks her to lunch. he denies having had lunch with her and says even though she asked him and he's asked her lunches haven't happened. seems unlikely to me, but maybe I'm paranoid again.

 

and his emails to her seem flirtatious? not sure, I looked at many other emails to other coworkers, men and women and none had any personal references, not even the emails to his closest friends on the staff.

 

like asking her who was filling in for her that day and saying too bad it wasn't her working, telling her congrats on her marathon, he was sure she had lots of shiny medals, asking her out to lunch with smiles and exclamations. and she replies with info about her child and what she's doing on the weekend. He works for the state and all of the other emails are strictly business. except these.

 

he says I have estrogen overload and he's sick of living with someone who's paranoid. I have no symptoms of estrogen overload.

 

 

Im not a crazy jealous wife, but I have asked him to please not have lunch with women alone..I've even told him I know its old fashioned, but please respect that. have lunch with the guys everyday if you want, but ladies in groups only. he disagrees. he denies eating lunch with this women but said he thought he could be friends with her because she is 'safe' cause she told him she had a girlfriend once? he at first tried telling me she was gay, but she's married, on Facebook and so is her husband.

 

he says he's being faithful, but he gets so angry and defensive and about loses it, is that normal?

 

I bought a voice activated recorder I'm going to put in the car and see what I see. I hope he's telling the truth, and I will feel bad to accuse or stir up trouble if there is none.

 

anyone else feel paranoid in your marriage and find out your husband was faithful and it was just hormones or jealousy. I'm trying to evaluate myself but not always easy to do.

[Tayla]

May I suggest that as an adult regardless of the marriage vows, start to show a bit of privacy regard. The moment the digging up dirt and plotting occurs the foundation is cracking.

 

Have some dignity for yourself. Seek counseling. I hate to see you wasting time on finding faults when some deeper concerns are really at the forefront.

[BetrayedH]

Confronting him is getting you nowhere. It's just informing him that he needs to be more careful. Stop doing that.

 

You've learned that he is lying and refuses to rell the truth. It's rather interesting that no one carpooled with him and that the girl who did is gay (except that she's not).

 

From this point, just do your investigating to find out the truth, not so you can watch him squirm and make up answers. That just leads back to questions about whether you're being paranoid. Keep in mind, you don't need to convince him that he's cheating; he already knows. You need to convince yourself so that you can make an informed decision about what to do.

[yepsurething]

May I suggest that as an adult regardless of the marriage vows, start to show a bit of privacy regard. The moment the digging up dirt and plotting occurs the foundation is cracking.

 

Have some dignity for yourself. Seek counseling. I hate to see you wasting time on finding faults when some deeper concerns are really at the forefront.

 

I do have dignity..that's why I would like to be spoken to truthfully. I asked my husband I question...he lied. is that breaking a vow?

 

Ive been reading much couples therapy stuff lately and it mostly suggests that partners respect each others wishes in areas like lunches or friend of the opposite sex. I only dug because he was lying. if he hadn't of lied what dirt would there be?

[yepsurething]

Confronting him is getting you nowhere. It's just informing him that he needs to be more careful. Stop doing that.

 

You've learned that he is lying and refuses to rell the truth. It's rather interesting that no one carpooled with him and that the girl who did is gay (except that she's not).

 

From this point, just do your investigating to find out the truth, not so you can watch him squirm and make up answers. That just leads back to questions about whether you're being paranoid. Keep in mind, you don't need to convince him that he's cheating; he already knows. You need to convince yourself so that you can make an informed decision about what to do.

 

yes, thank you that's true. I have only been confronting him because I want to talk and be open and not have lies and have a better marriage.

 

I always tell him to please tell me the truth about anything, that its lies that upset me, not so much the hurtful thing, but lying.

 

my goal is to have an honest marriage where no one is hiding things. I guess I have zero tolerance for lies cause beside snooping, which he knows about cause Im so NOT a liar I tell him that even. I don't lie. I"m a stay at home, work at home, homeschoooling mom who devotes her life to her kids and husband and home. he used to say how thankful he was to have such a wife that allowed him to go to work and advance in his career without all the worries the other guys had dealing with their wives. I can't believe the change. thats why I'm trying to fight for my marriage, because we have 6 kids and a beautiful life beside the occasional spat as couples will do. our lives were perfect until he moved into his new high up position and started hating life.

 

Ive been trying to work on helping him have less stress at home and make him happy and understand his stress at work and cut back on expenses that he feels are unnecessary. I know we all get over load. but with that I would like honesty so we can truly grow even more deeply connected. Sometimes our marriage is so good I can't believe he's so unhappy. I'm not a mean wife, I make my husband lunches with hearts and love notes, we make love in ALL kinds of wonderful ways he/we loves, I keep a nice home, and take wonderful care of our kids, we have fun hobbies we do together. I dont over spend, am in good physical shape. well, blah blah, he's the one Im trying to convince. Just shocking to me.

[jenkins95]

Big hug (((((yepsurething)))))

 

I wondered if we'd see you back here again after the thread went quiet for a while. I took no news to be good news and reckoned that you probably wouldn't be back unless there was something negative to report. Unfortunately there is.

 

anyone else feel paranoid in your marriage and find out your husband was faithful and it was just hormones or jealousy. I'm trying to evaluate myself but not always easy to do.

 

You can already partly answer this yourself. Just on the evidence you have (and there's likely to be a lot more that you don't know), you would already be very justified in accusing him of having an emotional affair. You are not paranoid, you were right to be suspicious and there is rarely smoke without fire. None of this is on you - to blame it on hormones is downright insulting. You are right to be on high alert because you have seen suspicious events and uncharacteristic behaviour, and you value your marriage. Never allow yourself to me made to feel guilty for your actions.

 

And don't despair - from what you've written, it seems unlikely that anything has become physical. It seems like a classic case of two mid-life married people who have convinced themselves that "something is missing" (I did all that self-indulgent c*** to justify my own selfish actions) and have found a kindred spirit to share all that with. Perhaps they just get some kind of comfort from taking to each other, perhaps in each other they find an outlet for each other's woes, perhaps they just enjoy flirting. Whatever, it is wrong and it would definitely qualify as an emotional affair by LS standards.

 

One thing that flags up to me as being strange and worrying is the 5:30am starts, especially in combination of an obsessive cleaning of his car (which you say he never normally does). Can I ask what time he normally leaves for work when he is training? 8:00 maybe? Assuming that she doesn't live far from his normal route, it is not going to take more than 30 mins extra effort to pick her up, and that would still leave 2 hours unaccounted for. A lot can happen in two hours. In your shoes, I would be VERY keen to find out exactly what time his training started and how far from his route she lives - unaccounted for time is worrying.

 

The major difficulty you have is getting him to open up - he knows you are on to him and he has closed himself to you on certain fronts - and he will be hyper vigilant and prepare himself for your Sherlock Holmes efforts from now on. I was like this when my wife became suspicious. As other posters have suggested, go ahead and do your own private detective work (including VAR) without mentioning it to him again. If he feels emotionally detached from you, he will not open up as things are, so in the interests of your marriage, perhaps it is worth changing tack, stop mentioning your suspicions and be as loving and as approachable as possible and really try to reach out to him to open up to you. Perhaps there re things on his mind (not A stuff) that he feels uncomfortable with and is carrying on his own. It's definitely worth trying everything possible to reach out to and connect with him, as recent events may have served only to have pushed him away.

 

We are here for you. Stay strong. There are lots of possibilities here, but not all of them are disastrous. Best case scenario, he is just going through a hard time and has found a friend to confide to in work. Obviously there are a lot of worse case scenarios than this, but lets hope it doesn't come to that.

 

Keep posting, we are here to support you.

[Tayla]

You can't have it both ways. so far you are both being deceptive, so really you are both being untruthful.

 

I sincerely have no bones in this dilemma. just years of knowing that it's a waste of time to dig up mud, it corrodes. walk away.. Get counseling.

This childhood mentality of 'he started it !'so I have to meet him at his level does take away your dignity.

[jenkins95]

You can't have it both ways. so far you are both being deceptive, so really you are both being untruthful.

 

I sincerely have no bones in this dilemma. just years of knowing that it's a waste of time to dig up mud, it corrodes. walk away.. Get counseling.

This childhood mentality of 'he started it !'so I have to meet him at his level does take away your dignity.

 

I'm not sure I understand your point Tayla. The OP has tried asking her H openly, lovingly and honestly to explain what's going on, but she's been met with total denial and a brick wall. The suspicious behaviour has continued and evidence has come to light that shows that he wasn't completely honest in his initial denials. What other choice does the OP have but to play detective a little bit? She is not being deceptive - she has been forced into this course of action.

 

What do you mean by "walk away". Are you suggesting that she leaves him?

[MadJackBird]

You can't have it both ways. so far you are both being deceptive, so really you are both being untruthful.

 

I sincerely have no bones in this dilemma. just years of knowing that it's a waste of time to dig up mud, it corrodes. walk away.. Get counseling.

This childhood mentality of 'he started it !'so I have to meet him at his level does take away your dignity.

 

I couldn't disagree with you more, both this post and your previous post.

 

If nothing else he is already COMMITTING EMOTIONAL ADULTERY with the OW.

 

OP I'm sorry you are going through this but I would say his actions show he is not being truthful. He is carrying on an emotional adulterous relationship with this woman. Left to it's own devices it will become physcial adultery, honestly it probably already has. The strange way he is acting with the 5:30 am carpools and cleaning his car so it looks nice are huge red flags.

 

I would demand all access to his email/texts/passwords. This is not a bad thing in a marriage relationship. If he doesn't have anything to hide then he won't care, if he obviously does have something to hide he'll act exactly how he is acting including making up excuses and blame shifting that it's just you being to emotional.

 

Do you really want to be married to someone like this?

[yepsurething]

"I would demand all access to his email/texts/passwords. This is not a bad thing in a marriage relationship. If he doesn't have anything to hide then he won't care, if he obviously does have something to hide he'll act exactly how he is acting including making up excuses and blame shifting that it's just you being to emotional.

 

Do you really want to be married to someone like this? "

 

 

I do have his passwords now which is how I got onto his work computer and managed to access archived emails and find them. he still keeps his phone attached to him at all times. I'm hoping if there is a relationship it is in the early stages and we can start to be open and honest and repair our relationship. we all make mistakes, Im not perfect,I hope I find out there is nothing really happening and he's telling the truth, and if something is happening, I'd like to know for sure so I can take steps from there. he's looking for another job currently so I hope he gets one.

 

oh another thing...after I found the email about carpooling and talked to him about it first he was furious, then he became very affectionate and loving like he hasn't in a very long time wanting to make love every night. maybe he was trying to connect or maybe he was feeling guilty and trying to make it up to me. he couldn't stop telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. until i approached him about the lunch emails I found, he became angry at me again.

 

and I asked in a nice way btw.