Cell phone question [updated]

[yepsurething]

I moved the recorder and taped it under his seat. He's doing another training today but said it's not with the women in question.

 

I know he does train with her regularly so Im not so happy about that.

 

guess I'll get the recorder tonight after he goes to bed and hear what I hear.

 

thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

and to the poster who said cheating isn't a mistake but a calculated move...I agree it doesn't just happen, and he is responsible for boosting his own ego and working on our life, not just flirting or cheating to feel better, but he's a human and for what ever f'ed up reason we make mistakes and I actually love him and have enjoyed our lives together.

 

we've raised 6 kids together, started a farm together, and before this...we weren't perfect, but we had a closeness, a good friendship and loved to spend time together. and since I found out about these emails it seems to have jarred that reality back into him.

 

He may be acting guilty and wanting to make it up to me...seems like thats what he should be doing, whether he cheated in mind or body...feel bad and try to make it up to me.

 

I don't like any continued lies, and if he is still lying then I want to talk about it. He'll either choose lies or me. I won't just sit back and live a life of lies, I want to see A. am I crazy and there are no lies. B. he's lying still either way I want to know for sure.

 

If Im paranoid I need to work on that, if my husband is a liar we need to work on that

 

oh, something my husband said after I talk to him about the emails, he knows I'm not a confronter even with him, so maybe it's why he said it, but he told me I can email or call the women in question and tell her to stop contacting him for lunch or in a personal way. He said just keep it professional cause its work.

[Lobe]

GASLIGHT ALERT! GASLIGHT ALERT!

 

"Go ahead and contact her?" YOU tell her to stop contacting him? I just threw up.

 

The conversation leading up to him inviting you to call her probably went like this:

 

"My sexless fat ugly stupid wife is a paranoid cow. I wouldn't be surprised if she calls you to tell you to stay away from me - just listen and promise you will. Sorry in advance."

 

Whether they are EA or PA, this is designed to make YOU look bad. And feel stupid. And throw you off.

 

I know you love him but don't let your guard down. I smell bullsh*t an I'm not even on your farm.

[Mr. Lucky]

oh, something my husband said after I talk to him about the emails, he knows I'm not a confronter even with him, so maybe it's why he said it, but he told me I can email or call the women in question and tell her to stop contacting him for lunch or in a personal way. He said just keep it professional cause its work.

 

You've been promoted from BS to Mommy ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustedthenBusted]

I tell you....some of these threads get me thinking that affairs must be REALLY fun, if people go to such incredibly stupid lengths to hide and maintain them.

 

Maybe I'm missing out.

[cc_zero]

oh, something my husband said after I talk to him about the emails, he knows I'm not a confronter even with him, so maybe it's why he said it, but he told me I can email or call the women in question and tell her to stop contacting him for lunch or in a personal way. He said just keep it professional cause its work.

 

ha.

 

I'm not trying to convince you he's 100% guilty, but the first time I confronted my wife without 100% proof.. only proof I had was that the OW had addmitted feelings for my wife and they had discussed it. They both colluded and came up with a conjoined/planned lie to tell me and both wrote me apology letters that nothing had happened and it was just the OW going through a hard time and my wife helping her out.

 

All that really tells you, if they are indeed having an affair, is that she knows he's married and he warned her you might call.

[cc_zero]

I tell you....some of these threads get me thinking that affairs must be REALLY fun, if people go to such incredibly stupid lengths to hide and maintain them.

 

Maybe I'm missing out.

 

It's like heroine for people who have been bored or felt their needs weren't being met for a long time within their relationship. Someone comes along and makes them feel like a king/queen and the excitement is a rush they can't drop.

[merrmeade]

You know, another thing we don't seem to consider per se much is sexual tension. To me that is SUPER important as an addictive element in AP/WS interactions. I mean the "rush" is the flattery, the attraction, the feelings of buoyancy at being desired. But at the same time, before the EA becomes PA, sexual tension is building. They get closer, they flirt, they tease, they get suggestive/provocative, hotter, steamier with each close encounter and no idea when/how/if it could be consummated. Just fantasizing. It's the dating/mating ritual. Build sexual tension; release sexual tension. Intoxicating and addictive.

[Lobe]

Intoxicating and addictive.

 

Something that happily married, sexually active couples have in the beginning as well, that matures into a deep mutual love and respect that usually pales in comparison to the butterflies and giddy passion of perpetual courtship. The reason it's so addictive is because an affair is stuck doing the time warp, which I assume it what causes a lot of stress and tension when one AP wants to take it to the next level but the other doesn't. For one AP, the time warp is perfect and for the other it's a curse.

 

APs and heroin addicts going NC with their respective drug of choice will go through physical and emotional withdrawal. Affairs are messy. If you're thinking about starting an affair, don't.

[merrmeade]

Something that happily married, sexually active couples have in the beginning as well, that matures into a deep mutual love and respect that usually pales in comparison to the butterflies and giddy passion of perpetual courtship. The reason it's so addictive is because an affair is stuck doing the time warp, which I assume it what causes a lot of stress and tension when one AP wants to take it to the next level but the other doesn't. For one AP, the time warp is perfect and for the other it's a curse.

 

APs and heroin addicts going NC with their respective drug of choice will go through physical and emotional withdrawal. Affairs are messy. If you're thinking about starting an affair, don't.

Exactly. Oh, I wasn't trying to make it appealing. I just think you have to do that - put yourself in the situation - imagine (I mean, really go there) what could happen, what it would be like - to accept/understand what happened to your mate. It's enlightening because you realize what you would do, why you wouldn't have gotten to that point.

[yepsurething]

well I listened to the first recordings. It only recording his ride to work and a phone call he took in the car but didn't record the ride home for some reason. hope that doesn't happen each time.

 

no bad info. he talked about me a couple times to his co-worker/friend about something I said.

 

and he talked to a female coworker and it was all business and after they hung up he called her a few names.

 

the sound was horrible. hard to make out when he was driving. I put the recorder back under the seat but in a different location.

 

the steering column isn't long enough to hide the recorder and I'm afraid he'll see it anywhere else.

[merrmeade]

no bad info. he talked about me a couple times to his co-worker/friend about something I said.

Isn't it "bad info" that he's talking about something you said to ANYONE else? And worse, that he's doing so to this person you're worried he shares too much with anyway? Whatever you said, why would his coworker/friend be interested? Did he discuss this thing you said with you?

[yepsurething]

Isn't it "bad info" that he's talking about something you said to ANYONE else? And worse, that he's doing so to this person you're worried he shares too much with anyway? Whatever you said, why would his coworker/friend be interested? Did he discuss this thing you said with you?

 

the info he was passing from me was referring to a business that he and his coworker are trying to start outside of their current job. I gave him some info and he was passing that on. this was a male coworker.

[merrmeade]

the info he was passing from me was referring to a business that he and his coworker are trying to start outside of their current job. I gave him some info and he was passing that on. this was a male coworker.

Thanks for clearing that up.

[Lobe]

I am thinking of you. That is all.

[yepsurething]

well, I figured how to spy on his phone. so far not suspicious call logs, but one text that has no number attached.

 

it was in his deleted texts from about 10 days ago.

 

does it sound like its from a girlfriend? or maybe his mom?

 

here it is...does this sound loving??(changed my husbands name to XXXX

 

 

Love you too, XXXX. And I am proud of you for many reasons. Your kindness and gentleness, your intelligence, and sense of humor. Lots more that I can't put into words.

[Lobe]

Love you too, XXXX. And I am proud of you for many reasons. Your kindness and gentleness, your intelligence, and sense of humor. Lots more that I can't put into words.

 

I have an adult son.

 

I text things like:

 

 

"Why didn't you call? I need you to babysit the cat...

 

I love you. Bring toilet paper when you drop by.

 

You remember you are supposed to go to Great Auntie Ida's 75th birthday this weekend, yeah?

 

 

Adult son texts me things like:

 

"I won't be back in town until Monday - there's Kleenex - and condoms - in my nightstand. You kids behave. :winkyface:

 

"I'm busy - can you see if XXXX can change the litter box while you're camping?

 

heart you too Mom - see you in a few days.

 

I'm only complying with your request for Auntie Ida because I don't own suitcase big enough for the guilt trip you'd send me on if I said no."

 

The text you are viewing is (in my decidedly never humble opinion) NOT from his mom. I know because, I can put it into words just fine and it requires no flowery compliments. It is from someone in an EA, who has already or is about to go PA.

 

You don't have enough evidence yet to convince yourself or to legally skewer him. I cannot even imagine your frustration. Is there any way you can follow him?

Edited June 13, 2016 by Lobe
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[merrmeade]

Love you too, XXXX. And I am proud of you for many reasons. Your kindness and gentleness, your intelligence, and sense of humor. Lots more that I can't put into words.

Sounds pretty intense to me and lots more at stake than just a platonic relationship.

[yepsurething]

I have an adult son.

 

I text things like:

 

 

"Why didn't you call? I need you to babysit the cat...

 

I love you. Bring toilet paper when you drop by.

 

You remember you are supposed to go to Great Auntie Ida's 75th birthday this weekend, yeah?

 

 

Adult son texts me things like:

 

"I won't be back in town until Monday - there's Kleenex - and condoms - in my nightstand. You kids behave. :winkyface:

 

"I'm busy - can you see if XXXX can change the litter box while you're camping?

 

heart you too Mom - see you in a few days.

 

I'm only complying with your request for Auntie Ida because I don't own suitcase big enough for the guilt trip you'd send me on if I said no."

 

The text you are viewing is (in my decidedly never humble opinion) NOT from his mom. I know because, I can put it into words just fine and it requires no flowery compliments. It is from someone in an EA, who has already or is about to go PA.

 

You don't have enough evidence yet to convince yourself or to legally skewer him. I cannot even imagine your frustration. Is there any way you can follow him?

 

 

thanks for your comment. I can't follow him, we only have one car. I have a VAR in the car now. would a 'lover' tell someone they were proud of them?

 

feeling very terrified =(

[yepsurething]

Sounds pretty intense to me and lots more at stake than just a platonic relationship.

 

so it doesn't sound like it could be his mother?

 

there is no number attached to it?

[Lobe]

so it doesn't sound like it could be his mother?

 

there is no number attached to it?

 

Would you delete your mom's texts saying you're a great guy?

[yepsurething]

Does his Mom generally talk to him like that or is that out of character for her?

 

 

Sounds like someone stroking his ego with lots of compliments.

 

well, I know he's talked to her about being depressed recently.

 

here a some texts from her- all of her other texts show up in another program

 

Something important to tell you about: when I was deep into depression these words were given to me: "I matter" & "I have value". I don't need an answer from you on this. Love.

 

Son, You're on my mind a lot. Please keep in touch. I love you, Mom

 

Hi XXXX , just watched a utube video, "welcome to Navy boot camp". OMG. I can't imagine you going through that.....but you did. Did you wear a yellow tee shirt? It looked very stressful. You did it. Talk to you soon.... I'm proud of you.

 

 

I'm glad you called today. I've missed you. Love you, XXXX

[Poutrew]

You just need to keep on watching. This text may really be from his mom. I dunno - does she talk to him like this? Does he speak to her about sensitive topics? Troubling ones? It would be so much easier if there was some sexual innuendo thrown in there. Or maybe a request to meet him at 'our special place when the wife is sleeping' or sumsuch. As it is, there just isn't enough there to form a conclusion. Yet. Good luck and Stay Strong!

[Phoenician]

dear OP ,

So now you have another job , you are becoming a detective !

 

From personnel experience I can say that imunity to PA/EA is never putting one of the partners in a jar and make sure that the cover is tight ; trust ,empathy , love do not need a supervision ; love is like a garden it needs maintenance .

 

For 18 years of my life , I have never thought about cheating on my wife ; not because lack of opportunities ;I used to travel the world to most seductive enovironment like Vegas ,Miami , far east ...

 

I recall many times when I refused what others see as irrestible offers ; especially when I had female coworkers; and I turned them all down ...

 

Why ?

 

not because love is unconditional , or our marriage is scared ...

 

forget about all those taboos.

 

It was because I had enough empathy , love and care in my heart that will never let me do it .

 

Now I resist cheating , and one day I will fail to resist , because our marriage is rotten ,we no longer care .

 

For your sake not him , throw all those detective tools .

 

if it is not too late , sit with him with a heart to heart discussion ...

 

but to tell you the truth , I feel that you are both acting wrong ...

 

If you cared about each other enough , you wouldn't be here , both of you ...

 

he could be a cheater or have tendancuy to cheat ; and you seem may be to ignoring his needs and trigger him.

 

Porn watching is something else , majority of ppl watch p[orn ; it becomes a sickness when it replaces sexlife ; and even if it is a sickness , partners should help each other in sickness ; or do you expect him to ditch you too if you are sick ?

 

What did you do to help him ion his sickness ?

 

or are you avoiding to seduce him assuming that if you do he will be more addictive ?!

 

ANy partner , Any , could cheat if he/she don't find his emotional and physical needs satisfied ;the conservative ones goes to EA most of the time , at the end it is cheating still.

 

 

don't misunderstand me , i am not saying that this is Ok , I am saying that we are human , we do mistakes especially when become vulnerable .

Edited June 13, 2016 by Phoenician

[Steen719]

I have an adult son.

 

I text things like:

 

 

"Why didn't you call? I need you to babysit the cat...

 

I love you. Bring toilet paper when you drop by.

 

You remember you are supposed to go to Great Auntie Ida's 75th birthday this weekend, yeah?

 

 

Adult son texts me things like:

 

"I won't be back in town until Monday - there's Kleenex - and condoms - in my nightstand. You kids behave. :winkyface:

 

"I'm busy - can you see if XXXX can change the litter box while you're camping?

 

heart you too Mom - see you in a few days.

 

I'm only complying with your request for Auntie Ida because I don't own suitcase big enough for the guilt trip you'd send me on if I said no."

 

The text you are viewing is (in my decidedly never humble opinion) NOT from his mom. I know because, I can put it into words just fine and it requires no flowery compliments. It is from someone in an EA, who has already or is about to go PA.

 

You don't have enough evidence yet to convince yourself or to legally skewer him. I cannot even imagine your frustration. Is there any way you can follow him?

 

You are too funny, Lobe. I have an adult son and his texts are something like your son's texts, but not as funny! Big suitcase...haha..

 

I have texted things like I am proud of him, etc., particularly when he might be feeling down, BUT.....

 

like you, I don't have a problem putting into words what I want to say and that kind of struck me.

 

However, OP, I do think it is ambiguous and certainly not enough to go on.

 

 

For your sake not him , throw all those detective tools .

 

if it is not too late , sit with him with a heart to heart discussion ...

 

Phoenician, I understand what you are saying here, but if her H is cheating, a heart to heart discussion really does not mean he would come clean. So many WH/W lie when confronted. I tried every way I knew to get EX to be honest with me and no go. I knew in my heart what was going on and after detecting, I knew it to be true. That mattered to me. I waned to know if what I was thinking and feeling was true. Remember that so many of us were gaslighted and told over and over that we were over-reacting and making the problems up, which in turn made there be a real issue, when all along our spouses were lying and cheating behind our backs. She has the right to know and if he can't be honest with her, then how else will she find out?

[yepsurething]

I did have a heart to heart and told him what I suspected.

 

He won't really discuss it with me and says I have a mental illness and Im not enjoying what I have which is a faithful husband. and he gets furious if I try to push the discussion further.

 

I told him that I am insecure at times, but explained my insecurity comes from his secretive behavior. like keeping his phone on him 24 hrs a day. he even sleeps next to it plugged in an unreachable spot.

 

I worry or get jealous occasionally but my husband will always dismiss my feelings as if I'm unintelligent and since I don't get an answer or feel like I'm lied to or blown off it makes me feel even more insecure.

 

this all started over my husband refusing to let me see his phone. then deleting all data on his phone, then when I asked him if he had carpooled he said no, found out he did carpool with a female who he's had some maybe overly friendly emails with.

 

when I asked my husband if he carpooled he went into and elaborate lie, and I just felt it was a lie, and for the first time EVER I snuck into his work emails and found it was true. he had lied and was even asking this women to lunch. but he still lies.

 

I love him and if he is cheating it will stop or he's out. but I need to know for certain if I am crazy and beyond insecure or if he is lying.

 

I can't handle not knowing the truth.