Cell phone question [updated]

[merrmeade]

Just because he doesn't call her up while driving doesn't mean they don't talk on the phone.

 

Or, just because they don't talk on the phone, doesn't mean they don't talk. They could be more into texting than phone calls. Let's not forget that hubby is very possessive of his phone and won't let OP see it, so there is likely something there.

Which brings us back full circle: Why IS he so protective of his phone?

[66Charger]

Ive been married for about 18 years. Porn has always been an issue in our marriage, and I know there are differing opinions, but regardless this has been an issue for me/us.

 

My husband acts very suspiciously with his phone and I always just assume its because he is hiding porn.

 

up until about 2 months ago I didn't have password,

 

Original post. First suspicion porn. 2nd relevant fact, password received 2 months ago.

 

Either its porn or the EA/PA has been over for at least 2 months. He may be concerned about a inadvertant phone call, but after 2-3 weeks, if he isnt talking to a woman, there probaly isnt one.(presently) 1+1 = 2

 

I could be wrong, but VARs usually produce results in days, sometimes hours if placed in a car. I am not saying he is innocent, I am suggesting she is too late for a VAR or its something else. Give it some time, but look in a different direction also.

Edited June 18, 2016 by 66Charger

[elaine567]

Fact: If he actively had a OW, he would have talked to her by now. After a week, have you heard him talk to another woman? After 2 weeks, if he hasnt, there is no active PA/EA. Doesnt mean there wasnt.

 

Give it a little more time, but if the present is not providing any info, (no woman) get rid of the VAR, look into the past (emails/text history) or accept what you have so far. Nothing.

 

We are assuming he didn't find that VAR.

If I was having an affair and I swept my car for VARS and taping devices, I may very well leave the device in place, I would never speak to "my" OM in the car, I may make a point of speaking to work colleagues and friends to avert suspicion though. If I can learn these things on LS, I am sure those that ARE cheating can learn them too.

 

In LS we always assume that the MM/MW are totally unaware of the lengths some BSs will go to track them, we assume that they are naive and if cheating will get caught and if nothing is found they are innocent...

Some of these people are highly intelligent and internet savvy and have been cheating for years and years and are determined NOT to get caught. Finding nothing is no proof of anything unfortunately.

[66Charger]

Well if he found it and made stupid racehorce comments, he aint too bright.

 

Either way, If he found it, that adds to the argument that the VAR isnt producing much. As I said, give it some time, but if today isnt producing results, look at yesterday.

 

Hopefully, my point is understood and no one thinks I am saying he is 100% innocent.

[yepsurething]

Ok. So I've only had theVAR in the car for about a week. The first 3 days i couldnt make out much .The recorder seems to only get the first half of his day.

 

When he talks about the female coworker who f's like a racehorse...I know who she is. My husband oversees her agency and trains her regularly.

 

The other women who I originally suspected by finding emails I'm sure had something going on now.

 

Most recent conversation is my husband saying how awkward it is working with her because she won't answer emails etc.

 

His friend says...she's depressed cause you dumped her.

 

Husband replies...huh. yeah dumped her.

 

And..I've been keeping a journal of this. He recently went to the f' like a race horse workers town and those days he acted funny. I wrote that down...and I swear he smelled like sex and coconut. I wrote that down. Our kids even noticed the smell of coconut.

 

I'm going to keep recording until I hear more details I know he won't tell me.

[VeveCakes]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. Sounds like there was something at some point. Like don't they have anything else to talk about?

[Cinnamonstix]

Ok. So I've only had theVAR in the car for about a week. The first 3 days i couldnt make out much .The recorder seems to only get the first half of his day.

 

When he talks about the female coworker who f's like a racehorse...I know who she is. My husband oversees her agency and trains her regularly.

 

The other women who I originally suspected by finding emails I'm sure had something going on now.

 

Most recent conversation is my husband saying how awkward it is working with her because she won't answer emails etc.

 

His friend says...she's depressed cause you dumped her.

 

Husband replies...huh. yeah dumped her.

 

And..I've been keeping a journal of this. He recently went to the f' like a race horse workers town and those days he acted funny. I wrote that down...and I swear he smelled like sex and coconut. I wrote that down. Our kids even noticed the smell of coconut.

 

I'm going to keep recording until I hear more details I know he won't tell me.

 

It's starting to sound like your husband is a serial cheater who is making his rounds with women opportunistically. Ugh. If so, this isn't a man who got swept up into something one time, it's a man who purposely sets out do this and may very well live a double life with you.

[goodyblue]

The people here are trying to be helpful. But please don't let them fuel your fire. PLEASE, use helpful information but don't let anyone steer you into believing things that May not be true. Please come to your own conclusions.

 

I hope you find your answers soon.

[dichotomy]

I don't know your financial resources, but if you strongly suspect he is visiting the actual home (or homes) of his affair partner - hire a Private investigate to find out. There are also GPS trackers that can be hid in a car as well, but PI will find out quick. People here have posted good clear results with a PI.

 

The words from his friend "you dumped her" are very incriminating.

[Lobe]

His friend says...she's depressed cause you dumped her

 

is there any way for you to contact her? If she was dumped she might be willing to help you..

[yepsurething]

Just because he doesn't call her up while driving doesn't mean they don't talk on the phone.

 

Or, just because they don't talk on the phone, doesn't mean they don't talk. They could be more into texting than phone calls. Let's not forget that hubby is very possessive of his phone and won't let OP see it, so there is likely something there.

 

and he is still guarding his phone and won't leave it for a moment, and I had managed to get a tracking program working on his phone but now it stopped so I think he figured that out.

 

and this is the biggest issue. I can't explain how superior and 'good' my husband always tries to act. He tells me Im vulgar for using the f word. hahaha.

 

I guess at this point I don't know if I want to be with such a complete liar. thats why I want to hear a bit more to see if he's just talking big to his friend, and figure out exactly what happened with who and for how long.

 

to me in just a week I've heard that he's possibly had sex or some sort of relationship with 2 coworkers and just hearing the way he talks is enlightening to me.

 

Its one thing if he acted like this all the time, but he's a completely different person in the recordings and it's not just cause he's with his friend.

 

at one point he's alone in the car and he says, 'she's hot' and then takes a picture. What?? ok, I can see saying a women in hot, but then taking her pic. Isn't that a bit weird?

 

I feel like my head is spinning. for years I would get these crazy feelings like something was wrong and my husband would make me feel bad and like a jealous freak for even asking him about anything.

 

He makes me feel bad for snooping like its only something unintelligent women do. If I hadn't snooped I wouldn't have any idea this was going on and it would likely continue. I'm actually surprised to hear he 'dumped' her.

 

Why would he do that? why bother if he can just keep being secretive?

[winterpast]

Whether he has cheated or not, he obviously has no respect for you at all. I think that makes him capable of doing anything.

[merrmeade]

at one point he's alone in the car and he says, 'she's hot' and then takes a picture. What?? ok, I can see saying a women in hot, but then taking her pic. Isn't that a bit weird?

...

I'm actually surprised to hear he 'dumped' her. Why would he do that? why bother if he can just keep being secretive?

Well, he could've taken the picture because he wants to see her again or maybe to show it to his buddy. This is what men on the prowl do and, from what you've reported, that's who he sounds like he is to me.

 

And what's " not to understand about 'he dumped her'? Same for "why bother if he can just keep being secretive?" Could've been for any reason people dump someone they've been dating. Or maybe he was alerted by your questions and decided he should remove the object of your suspicion. Either way, it doesn't sound like she meant much to him if it was that easy.

 

I agree that some of the tough talk sounds like what others have implied: Male bullsh-t bravado, i.e., talking smack on a woman to sound like an impervious hot shot to your buddy. However, there were basic facts that seemed to be understood between them: (a) He'd hooked up with this woman before. (b) But they're no longer an item. © He has no problem with the friend having a go at her. That's how I interpret it.

 

What's unclear to me is where the friend was during their conversations:

- In post #142, you said they're "on the phone," but you also quoted a couple of things the friend said. If they were on the phone, how could you hear what the friend said?

- Then, in the post quoted above, you say your husband is "alone in the car," which implies he wasn't alone before. Was the friend also in the car at some point?

Edited June 19, 2016 by merrmeade

[elaine567]

I'm actually surprised to hear he 'dumped' her.

 

Why would he do that? why bother if he can just keep being secretive?

 

Why does anyone dump anybody?

Because they are not getting along, because they don't like them any more, because they are bored with them, because they have found someone else more interesting or better, because they want to be free to pursue someone else.. etc. etc.

[dichotomy]

 

and this is the biggest issue. I can't explain how superior and 'good' my husband always tries to act. He tells me Im vulgar for using the f word. hahaha.

 

I guess at this point I don't know if I want to be with such a complete liar. thats why I want to hear a bit more to see if he's just talking big to his friend, and figure out exactly what happened with who and for how long.

 

 

1) From my "studies" some husbands and some wives - have this Madonna whore issue going on. That is with some husbands - they want their wives to be this nice proper wife and mom to their kids - nothing nasty - that is for their mistresses. Also to be fair some wives who cheat also suffer from this - that is they refuse to get kinky with their husbands to maintain a certain role in the marriage - and then go outside to some other man to be a freak in the bedroom - vulgar words and acts not allowed in their own home. Yepsurething your husband sounds like he may prefer to keep you in a certain role - no swearing, and more.

 

2) This is a very good plan. In fact you should ramp up the nice wife role at home - happy secure smiling while you continue to spy. I wish he used a home computer so you could investigate that as well.

 

 

I hope you get the information you need to make the right decision. But again - be aware of what has been mentioned - sometimes both wives and husbands act like pigs with their best friends in private out of range of their spouses.

[Lois_Griffin]

well, I got to listen to another recording. there was definitely something going on with the women I suspected, I heard him talking but then it gets loud.

 

anyone know how to get background sound out.

 

he calls her by name when talking to his friend, says she was always a pain in the ass and then starts to talk about when a women likes you....and it cuts out.

 

don't know if it's more serious or not. sounds like he's done with her?

 

the recorder I have only seems to pick up part of the day, it has 8 hours worth of recording but only picks up about 2 hours worth?

You keep putting this thing in the WORST possible place - under his seat.

 

All you're going to get is CAR engine noises, exhaust noises, and road noise.

 

You need to hide it in the pouch behind his seat. Most cars have some kind of pouch or netting behind the driver's and passenger's seats.

[Lois_Griffin]

Doing ok. Found a better place to hide the recorder. I heard him talking about a woman he works with. Saying she was pretty and looked like she could #uck like a racehorse.

 

Right after he made fun of me for saying flirting wasn't innocent.

 

Is that just how all men talk when away from their wives?.

That's how serial cheaters talk, which he is.

 

You honestly don't believe this is his FIRST rodeo, do you?

[Lois_Griffin]

yes, his coworker said he wanted to get dirty with a woman they work with,

 

my husband said, go ahead, I give you permission to have at it, but that one is crazy. your'e free to proceed.

 

then said, she is pretty, she doesn't look like she carries a lot of fat, she looks like she's athletic and she can f#ck like a racehorse.

 

what a pig.

 

I rest my case.

 

This ain't his first rodeo. Not by a LONG shot.

 

He's so practiced at chasing skirts that he hands them off to other guys with reviews about how they perform.

 

You've got yourself a bonafide serial cheater.

[Lois_Griffin]

Why would he do that? why bother if he can just keep being secretive?

Because serial cheaters don't want a girlfriend or a romance or an emotional tie to anyone.

 

they just want to bag as many women as possible. If they have to spend a little time before the conquest buttering up these women, then that's what they'll do.

 

Quite clearly, one of his conquests was the woman he handed over to his buddy, giving the guy a description of her 'skills' in bed.

 

These women don't mean much to an opportunist like you're husband. They're just another notch in his belt, is all.

[Lobe]

YST, my friend. You've discovered a side of your husband you didn't know. It's time to up the game. Have you contacted a PI or lawyer?

[BuddyX]

Do you have enough? Prob.

Do you have a slam dunk? Nope.

He has yet to come out and say it. Telling his friends what he would do is all future tense. You can't accuse on potential.

 

Wait a little longer. He'll slip up. Unless he knows of the VAR and he's playing you.

[yepsurething]

Well, he could've taken the picture because he wants to see her again or maybe to show it to his buddy. This is what men on the prowl do and, from what you've reported, that's who he sounds like he is to me.

 

And what's " not to understand about 'he dumped her'? Same for "why bother if he can just keep being secretive?" Could've been for any reason people dump someone they've been dating. Or maybe he was alerted by your questions and decided he should remove the object of your suspicion. Either way, it doesn't sound like she meant much to him if it was that easy.

 

I agree that some of the tough talk sounds like what others have implied: Male bullsh-t bravado, i.e., talking smack on a woman to sound like an impervious hot shot to your buddy. However, there were basic facts that seemed to be understood between them: (a) He'd hooked up with this woman before. (b) But they're no longer an item. © He has no problem with the friend having a go at her. That's how I interpret it.

 

What's unclear to me is where the friend was during their conversations:

- In post #142, you said they're "on the phone," but you also quoted a couple of things the friend said. If they were on the phone, how could you hear what the friend said?

- Then, in the post quoted above, you say your husband is "alone in the car," which implies he wasn't alone before. Was the friend also in the car at some point?

 

 

His friend is always on speaker phone. Id like to contact his wife and let her know what her husband says and about his upcoming plan to get some with some sleazy student of his. but I now understand why my husband NEVER lets me meet his friends for more than a few moments if he's passing them through the house to show them something, will never let me meet their family and wives. I even recently said I think I should meet this friend who he says is such a good friend and he shares with etc. and wants to start a business with and he says basically no. always an excuse.

[yepsurething]

YST, my friend. You've discovered a side of your husband you didn't know. It's time to up the game. Have you contacted a PI or lawyer?

 

I can't afford either.

 

its like my world is falling apart around me and everything I ever though was a lie.

 

the way he talks, acts, everything about his is not the man I know.

 

I've felt that before it life and we've had arguments about me thinking he acts differently and is flirtatious and secretive. Now as I look back it's always been this way.

 

and he's always made me feel stupid for asking any questions.

 

he would NEVER in a million years think I would do something like get a recorder and record him.

 

he is aware of my phone snooping and even did a search about what is being downloaded from my iPhone, but he won't suspect me of recording because I have ZERO money of my own...until about a month ago.

 

when he first started talking like he wanted to leave I applied for a credit card, that's how I bought the VAR. in the past there would be no way for me to do this or anything else to trace him

 

He has EVERYONE, our kids, friends that mom (me) is jealous and wacky and needs to be a trusting person.

 

F that. I'm putting together a powerpoint of all his recordings and adding some nice music and affects and I"m going to present it to him.

 

his head might explode.

 

in the last month he's told me I have a mental illness, I'm abusive, a horrible house keeper, insulted my homeschooling, said everything I like and believe in makes him sick, on and on.

 

it's hard not to kick him in the balls for sure, but as has been suggested I'm playing it cool, pretending I'm an actress playing a role. getting more info.

being nice, lots of great sex.

 

oh the nice things he says to me. I want you to feel safe and secure. to know I love you. you need to know you are intelligent and unique, have confidence in yourself.

 

Ahhhhhh. yeah A hole. I would have confidence if the ONE man in my life wasn't a sack of crap liar!!!

[yepsurething]

is there any way for you to contact her? If she was dumped she might be willing to help you..

 

he has told me to call her multiple times, so I feel like he's already told her to deny.

 

he says that things are getting awkward with her at work, she's not answering calls etc.

 

he doesn't seem broken up, but he did try 3 times to call someone and they didn't answer and he didn't leave a message.

 

only thing I can do is keep listening.

[Lobe]

I've felt that before it life and we've had arguments about me thinking he acts differently and is flirtatious and secretive. Now as I look back it's always been this way.

 

and he's always made me feel stupid for asking any questions.

 

it's hard not to kick him in the balls for sure, but as has been suggested I'm playing it cool, pretending I'm an actress playing a role. getting more info.

being nice, lots of great sex.

 

oh the nice things he says to me. I want you to feel safe and secure. to know I love you. you need to know you are intelligent and unique, have confidence in yourself.

 

I am nervous for you because you don't have that concrete evidence you need to drop the hammer, so to speak. Yes, he sounds like a passive-aggressive control freak, regardless of whether he's having an affair or not. Let's make believe that he has not in fact had an EA or PA, and his words are posturing to get the guys at work to think he's cool and hip. Is that enough for you to walk away from the marriage or are you just hoping to make him behave differently and stay in the marriage? If he already threatened to walk and he honestly hasn't had an EA or PA, he's going to know you've spying on him if you make a powerpoint so if you do decide to work it out, will he be able to get past that or will he throw it in your face forever? If you want to work things out even if he WAS having an EA or PA and being a pompous ass, how will his knowing that you spied on him affect your marriage? Will he go to counselling?

 

You also keep saying that you cannot afford to leave the marriage - you didn't even have a credit card until recently. Are you at least able to write up a plan for what happens if he walks? Is there a free online separation agreement template that you can prepare? LowDepot or something? You're probably going to feel more confident broaching the subject if you've done your due diligence about what you need to legally separate, what you're entitled to for support payments, half the assets, etc. Splitting up is a major life change and you may need to live in town.

 

Before you flay him, I suggest doing the legwork needed to cover your butt regardless of what his reaction is. Is there family you can go stay with?