Cell phone question [updated]

[Lobe]

he says that things are getting awkward with her at work, she's not answering calls etc

 

I am just wondering if things have gone south though perhaps she would be willing to chat with you. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... or, if she is in love with him, you can tell her that all you need is the word and you will release him to her.

 

Or, you could just go on a fishing expedition... Call her up and tell her that you've had a VAR in the vehicle. Let her know what your husband has said about her, including that he's given his blessing for someone else to pursue her, and let HER do the work.

[yepsurething]

I am just wondering if things have gone south though perhaps she would be willing to chat with you. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... or, if she is in love with him, you can tell her that all you need is the word and you will release him to her.

 

Or, you could just go on a fishing expedition... Call her up and tell her that you've had a VAR in the vehicle. Let her know what your husband has said about her, including that he's given his blessing for someone else to pursue her, and let HER do the work.

 

the women he told his friend to pursue is not the same woman he was having lunches with.

 

the women he told his friend to pursue was the one he said f'd like a racehorse.

 

the other women he hasn't said anything sexual about, but after reading their emails, and hearing the things he was saying it seemed to me was having a crush or EA. (this the the original reason I started having suspicion and started reading his emails to begin with) He totally denies it saying that after looking at all of the emails he can see how may I may think that it was too friendly but if I understood the context I would see there was nothing to it.

 

so, unless there really was nothing, (though it was more flirtatious than I want from my husband) maybe he just talked to her and said, hey, my wife isn't comfortable with me being your friend so I can't do lunches anymore.

 

?? and so that could have made her feel uncomfortable, because she was flirting and even if they both want to deny it it was true, and maybe his friend was just joking when he said...'she's depressed, cause you dumped her' and my husbands reply was, 'yeah, dumped her, that's funny.'

 

any thoughts?

[yepsurething]

and no worries, I wont say anything to him until I have concrete evidence,

 

and even then I'm considering telling him what I"ve heard at a counsellor.

[elaine567]

Before you flay him, I suggest doing the legwork needed to cover your butt regardless of what his reaction is. Is there family you can go stay with?

 

I agree, you may feel justice is served and that you have the upper hand and he will have to eat humble pie and apologize to you for ever and ever and you will feel vindicated, then think again.

He may get very angry here, he may even physically throw you out, he may stop you seeing your children, as their mad mom has totally flipped this time.

With little money you are going to find it difficult to fight him for your rights and although you will have rights if you are married, then the courts may take years to sort it out.

 

YOU need to see an attorney, find out what your rights are and get your house and your kids and your farm in order for the worst case scenario. Once you know where you stand, you take steps to protect yourself, Do not alert him to any of this until you know exactly what you are doing and your ducks are in a row.

Revenge may look sweet atm, but not so sweet if you find yourself homeless and alone...

[Lobe]

any thoughts?

 

Counselling. Tell your husband you're not sure how to deal with the stresses you're feeling and that you want to seek counselling for yourself. As you do not have concrete proof at this time, what you've overheard may in fact be chauvinist bullsh*t and nothing more. If you didn't know what he had been saying, would your opinion of your husband have changed? And has your opinion of your husband changed so much because of those comments that you're willing to end your marriage over it?

 

I feel like until and unless you have concrete proof, you need to keep the VAR to yourself until you've had some time to work through it. Ideally, that would be with a counsellor, but if not, is there a close friend or family member you can confide in?

[66Charger]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

Example. In "Man" language

 

"I dumped her? Thats funny"

 

Translation. Dont be ridiculous. I never dumped her, she may have thought there was something, but it wasnt happening. Wasnt close"

 

And adding in the word "looks" like she could f like a racehorse, clearly states that he never had her. Again, a man would recognize this easily.

 

You may chose to ignore and listen to the girlfreinds, but if you bring this out in counseling with this flimsy evidence, you may look real bad. It is easily defensible

 

I dont champion cheaters, but If anything, this could be read to show he DIDNT CHEAT. At least, Not with her.

 

You had better know what you are doing.

 

Focus, take your time. If being crude is a reason to divorce. Go ahead

Edited June 21, 2016 by 66Charger

[Lobe]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

YST knows this. She's angry and frustrated but not foolish. She's taking her time, not flying off the handle.

[yepsurething]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

Example. In "Man" language

 

"I dumped her? Thats funny"

 

Translation. Dont be ridiculous. I never dumped her, she may have thought there was something, but it wasnt happening. Wasnt close"

 

And adding in the word "looks" like she could f like a racehorse, clearly states that he never had her. Again, a man would recognize this easily.

 

You may chose to ignore and listen to the girlfreinds, but if you bring this out in counseling with this flimsy evidence, you may look real bad. It is easily defensible

 

I dont champion cheaters, but If anything, this could be read to show he DIDNT CHEAT. At least, Not with her.

 

You had better know what you are doing.

 

Focus, take your time. If being crude is a reason to divorce. Go ahead

 

 

The exact quote again is-

 

Uh she is pretty, and she doesnt look like she carries a lot of fat... she look like she's athletic, and she can f*ck like a racehorse.

 

he does say it looks like she can f like a racehorse, he says she can f like a racehorse, and I've listened dozens of times and with his inflections on the f word sound like he knows, but maybe not.

 

as I said, I'm going to keep listening, but please understand this, my husband told me there was NOTHING going on, well if there was NOTHING going on with the women who he still denies eating lunch with then why 'dump' her or talk to her about anything. Why would she feel awkward and avoid his calls?

 

If I wasn't snooping, I'd have no idea he even talked to her or that anything was going on and as with the last 18 years I'd go away feeling stupid and like I made something up, and I didn't.

 

I feel like my husband has been destroying my mental happiness by constantly lying to me all of these years.

 

Not sure if I want to continue on with someone who will lie knowing it makes someone else feel so out of control, and then have the nerve to call me crazy for asking any questions.

[yepsurething]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

Example. In "Man" language

 

"I dumped her? Thats funny"

 

Translation. Dont be ridiculous. I never dumped her, she may have thought there was something, but it wasnt happening. Wasnt close"

 

And adding in the word "looks" like she could f like a racehorse, clearly states that he never had her. Again, a man would recognize this easily.

 

You may chose to ignore and listen to the girlfreinds, but if you bring this out in counseling with this flimsy evidence, you may look real bad. It is easily defensible

 

I dont champion cheaters, but If anything, this could be read to show he DIDNT CHEAT. At least, Not with her.

 

You had better know what you are doing.

 

Focus, take your time. If being crude is a reason to divorce. Go ahead

 

 

and its not the being crude that I hate, its the lying. and my husband walks around this world acting like he would NEVER talk that way for act that way. If our son or son in laws acted this way oh boy he have something to say.

 

If you want to be a crude person own up, dont be a liar. nothing manly about it. its hurtful and sound ignorant and humiliating.

 

I really can't see how you can love and respect a women and talk the way he does about me calling me crazy and lying to me, and making the constant comments about women.

 

why would someone talk that way if they love someone??

[yepsurething]

The exact quote again is-

 

Uh she is pretty, and she doesnt look like she carries a lot of fat... she look like she's athletic, and she can f*ck like a racehorse.

 

he does say it looks like she can f like a racehorse, he says she can f like a racehorse, and I've listened dozens of times and with his inflections on the f word sound like he knows, but maybe not.

 

as I said, I'm going to keep listening, but please understand this, my husband told me there was NOTHING going on, well if there was NOTHING going on with the women who he still denies eating lunch with then why 'dump' her or talk to her about anything. Why would she feel awkward and avoid his calls?

 

If I wasn't snooping, I'd have no idea he even talked to her or that anything was going on and as with the last 18 years I'd go away feeling stupid and like I made something up, and I didn't.

 

I feel like my husband has been destroying my mental happiness by constantly lying to me all of these years.

 

Not sure if I want to continue on with someone who will lie knowing it makes someone else feel so out of control, and then have the nerve to call me crazy for asking any questions.

 

oops , I misspelled and it won't let me correct. final time this is what he says...

 

Uh she is pretty, and she doesnt look like she carries a lot of fat... she look like she's athletic, and she can f*ck like a racehorse.

 

he doesn't say it looks like she can f like a racehorse, he says she can f like a racehorse, and I've listened dozens of times and with his inflections on the f word sound like he knows, but maybe not.

[dichotomy]

oops , I misspelled and it won't let me correct. final time this is what he says...

 

Uh she is pretty, and she doesnt look like she carries a lot of fat... she look like she's athletic, and she can f*ck like a racehorse.

 

he doesn't say it looks like she can f like a racehorse, he says she can f like a racehorse, and I've listened dozens of times and with his inflections on the f word sound like he knows, but maybe not.

 

 

If I had messed around with such a woman and I was bragging to a friend I would have said

She is pretty, and she doesn't carry a lot of fat... she's athletic and she can f*ck like a racehorse..... (and then something about how great she was, how I was exhausted, or things she did in bed). I would not say she looks like she XXX - I would say she is or does XXX.

 

But you are very wise to keep listening to get the no debate/denial words from him that he has cheated or is cheating.

Edited June 21, 2016 by dichotomy

[Sabella]

I agree with the guys in regards to that recording. To me, based on that, he did not have sex with her. Not saying he's not cheating, but it's not with her. The whole "looks like" wording I still stand by. If he had any carnal knowledge of this woman he would KNOW exactly where her extra body fat is, lol, or if she was athletic. He didn't include the words "looks like" before the f'ng like a racehorse comment....but it's implied the same way to me.

 

Now I will throw myself under the bus here for you a bit, just so you know what to look for. I was in a 3 year, long distance, mostly emotional affair. We texted each other upwards of 300 times a day...all day. There were pictures and phone calls regularly. The fact that you haven't found much of anything by now tells me either there isn't much of anything to find, or you are looking in the wrong place.

 

Have you searched his phone for chatting apps like WhatsAp, KiK, or KakaoTalk? He could also be removing these apps quickly upon returning home and reinstalling them when he leaves....so look in his purchase history .

 

Because based on what you have, I don't believe it's anywhere near proof of cheating. Ofc if you are simply miserable in your marriage...you don't need proof of cheating to divorce either. You just need to decide what you want to do. Good luck

[VeveCakes]

You really can't make any sort of forensic linguistic judgement about whether or not he did by how you think you would have said it.

 

People have different dialects and ways they speak. He could very well have slept with her. It's a moot point at this point. OP needs a bit more juice before she pulls the trigger.

[Cinnamonstix]

If I had messed around with such a woman and I was bragging to a friend I would have said

She is pretty, and she doesn't carry a lot of fat... she's athletic and she can f*ck like a racehorse..... (and then something about how great she was, how I was exhausted, or things she did in bed). I would not say she looks like she XXX - I would say she is or does XXX.

 

But you are very wise to keep listening to get the no debate/denial words from him that he has cheated or is cheating.

 

She might LOOK athletic by her body type but he doesn't know if she actually IS athletic, so he wouldn't say that she is athletic unless he knows she is into fitness/sports.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Cinnamonstix

[Sabella]

You really can't make any sort of forensic linguistic judgement about whether or not he did by how you think you would have said it.

 

People have different dialects and ways they speak. He could very well have slept with her. It's a moot point at this point. OP needs a bit more juice before she pulls the trigger.

 

Sure I can, lol, that's what we are all doing, putting in our opinions and judgements based on our own filters and what the OP presents to us. So in regards to the var, maybe 50/50 he did something. If she is gong to base her divorce on cheating, your are right she needs more.

 

There should be more, by now. I'm confused as to why there is not more evidence of him being a serial cheater, as others have implied him to be. So please do check for those apps or evidence of purchase of those apps. Not sure how or if you can recover texts from those, if you do find them, but that is step one.

 

On another note, what if you never find the proof you need? How long do you take on the role of Sherlock Holmes? That needs to be addressed for youself as well.

[Sabella]

^ agreed for the most part. At the end of the day, proof of infidelity or not, you need to get clear within yourself of what to do next. Is it working on the marriage through MC, is it divorce? If you can't trust him or rebuild that trust, you need to answer these hard truths for yourself

[merrmeade]

I think she needs a plan to GET THAT PHONE that he guards so closely. If there's a smoking gun, it's there. And check all the chatting software as people have said.

[ChickiePops]

He used the word 'dumped'. You can't dump someone that you're not involved with.

[yepsurething]

He used the word 'dumped'. You can't dump someone that you're not involved with.

 

so here is the dumped conversation word for word.

 

husband- This sh*t with XXXXX is getting awkward, avoiding me and stuff, she's not responding to a lot of stuff, she's not responding to crisis situations, people are asking me..where is XXXXX, and I'm like I don't f*ckin know. Email like...gone.

 

his friend- She's all depressed XXXX.

 

husband- F*ck that dude.

 

friend- you dumped her ass

 

husband- dumped her, that's funny

[BuddyX]

The last line is all context.

"Dumped" could reference to "Dumped? How can it be dumped, if I never went out with her".

 

As far as lying and hypocrisy regarding his character, you have to put that aside-for now. What you're after is infidelity.

Keep listening.

[yepsurething]

The last line is all context.

"Dumped" could reference to "Dumped? How can it be dumped, if I never went out with her".

 

As far as lying and hypocrisy regarding his character, you have to put that aside-for now. What you're after is infidelity.

Keep listening.

 

my question is why would she be avoiding him or acting awkward?

 

not taking his calls? not responding to crisis situations? sound like she was pretty upset, considering she is a lawyer working for the state. she shirks her duties over nothing?

 

my husband still claims they never even had lunch together. even though there are many emails between them talking about meeting for lunch.

[yepsurething]

^ agreed for the most part. At the end of the day, proof of infidelity or not, you need to get clear within yourself of what to do next. Is it working on the marriage through MC, is it divorce? If you can't trust him or rebuild that trust, you need to answer these hard truths for yourself

 

well, for 18 years any time I question him about anything he made me feel stupid. made me feel like a jealous idiot.

 

The person he pretends to be was a wonderful loving husband and father. nice guy, but there was always this underlying feeling he was lying, and now I see just the way he talks about women and carries himself when away from me, is not all all who he pretends to be.

 

Im picturing a man of importance in our society, president, CEO etc being overheard talking like my husband and it seems most people would consider what he's saying about his wife and the constant ogling of women and the sexual comments offensive. and he even tells his friend what we are doing sexually.

 

so, the reason I am continuing on is that I am going to sit down with him once I put it all together and let him listen to who he really is, he needs to hear himself.

 

he recently told me I was abusive (cause I question him and yell during arguments- about lies of course) and told me I have a mental illness.

 

he makes our kids and the rest of the family think I"m a crazy jealous women. and the all believe him and look down on me.

 

he needs to apologize for this life of lies.

[MadJackBird]

well, for 18 years any time I question him about anything he made me feel stupid. made me feel like a jealous idiot.

 

The person he pretends to be was a wonderful loving husband and father. nice guy, but there was always this underlying feeling he was lying, and now I see just the way he talks about women and carries himself when away from me, is not all all who he pretends to be.

 

Im picturing a man of importance in our society, president, CEO etc being overheard talking like my husband and it seems most people would consider what he's saying about his wife and the constant ogling of women and the sexual comments offensive. and he even tells his friend what we are doing sexually.

 

so, the reason I am continuing on is that I am going to sit down with him once I put it all together and let him listen to who he really is, he needs to hear himself.

 

he recently told me I was abusive (cause I question him and yell during arguments- about lies of course) and told me I have a mental illness.

 

he makes our kids and the rest of the family think I"m a crazy jealous women. and the all believe him and look down on me.

 

he needs to apologize for this life of lies.

 

He is Gaslighting you. Read up on it.

 

Try not to yell during arguments. Remain calm, give yourself breaks if needed. This was my biggest downfall as well.

[yepsurething]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

Example. In "Man" language

 

"I dumped her? Thats funny"

 

Translation. Dont be ridiculous. I never dumped her, she may have thought there was something, but it wasnt happening. Wasnt close"

 

And adding in the word "looks" like she could f like a racehorse, clearly states that he never had her. Again, a man would recognize this easily.

 

You may chose to ignore and listen to the girlfreinds, but if you bring this out in counseling with this flimsy evidence, you may look real bad. It is easily defensible

 

I dont champion cheaters, but If anything, this could be read to show he DIDNT CHEAT. At least, Not with her.

 

You had better know what you are doing.

 

Focus, take your time. If being crude is a reason to divorce. Go ahead

 

 

Why would she feel awkward? he acts like he never even talked to her about this or much of anything else but obviously he did. and why would she avoid his calls and her work duties? and if there was nothing going on why did he need to talk to her at all?

[merrmeade]

Nevermind whether he actually had lunch with her, f-ked her at the races and dumped her, he's got a secret life away from her and they don't communicate or share their lives. That is a problem she has the right to do something about.

 

After I found out about my husband's infidelity, I poured over his emails and told him that I felt he'd been inappropriate with someone above him at work. (This person moved to another firm, and he'd hoped she'd help him get hired.) He scoffed at my suggestion.

 

We went to marriage counseling and we - or rather I - started talking about what was what and everything - everything we should have shared and what had been inappropriate - everything. Then, in a conversation about his past behavior and motives, I pulled it up and showed him what he'd written. He'd emailed her that he'd had a dream about her and could they meet for lunch some time. He agreed it was totally inappropriate.

 

I'm just saying, if you don't have definitive proof and you're not able to prove infidelity, maybe you should step back and look at the big picture of what you want with him and what he should be with you. There's a lot wrong.