kittykate Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Hi, I found out last week that my boyfriend had been texting another girl. They'd been sending rude text messages and picture messages to each other. I found out cos I saw one of her texts on his phone. It came as a shock because I didn't even know he'd still been in contact with her (they met online about 4 years ago and have been friends ever since, they met a few times but never got together. She is 17 now, he is 20, so am I). It hurt so badly to find out he'd been doing this behind my back. I felt crushed, devasted and couldn't believe he was doing this to me. It hurt because I trusted him and never thought he would do that to me. It hurt because when I told him I knew I asked to see all the messages, and I looked at them all, he'd even sent me the same picture message! We'd even been texting each other rude messages at the same time! Everything that I thought made me special was taken away - another girl was getting it from him too, and I felt like nothing, like I didn't even matter. We talked it through, he couldnt explain why he did it exactly. Just said that he didn't know, it made him feel good and that he'd been stupid. He was, and still is, really sorry. I believe that he is, and I know that our relationship can work. We are good together and love each other a lot. I really do want our relationship to work. I just feel sad about what happened. I want to trust him and forgive him, but part of me is hanging back saying "what if he does it again?", my mind is going into overdrive and I'm thinking irrational thoughts. Part of me is blaming myself and saying that I must have led him to do it, but I know I didn't. I really need some advice on how to stop thinking the way I am. Sometimes, when I feel a bit sad, I turn everything around and have an argument with James, I turn everything into a conspiracy and think that he's going to leave. He tells me he's not and that I shouldnt think like that because I know it's wrong. I do know I'm wrong but I just can't stop thinking irrationally. Everything seems as though it is going to be ok, except the way I'm thinking. He's doing everything that he can to show to me that I can trust him and that he is sorry. I said to him that the only way we can begin to move forward is if he stops all contact with her 100%. He swore he would do that, and I believe him. I know our relationship can and will work if only I can stop this way of thinking. It's destroying me. Please help. Katie xxx Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 What exactly do you mean by "rude messages"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kittykate Posted June 21, 2005 Author Share Posted June 21, 2005 rude messages - they were sending each other dirty text messages, ya know...ones fantasising about sexual scenarios that they could have together. sexually explicit. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 well....it is technically Illegal since she is but 17 and he is a ripe old 20, and they are sending lewd photos. Link to post Share on other sites
clint802002 Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 I would give him a chance, I have done the same thing before. When I was doing it, I really never thought much of it, since I knew I would never meet them. My girlfriend caught me and I realized how wrong it was and how much I hurt her it killed me. I know I would never do something like that again, so maybe your bf is the same way. I know it sucks for you, but you just have to judge your bf and see if you think he is sincere. I tend to lend towards him being sincere, since I have been in the same boat. Good luck to you. Clint Link to post Share on other sites
kittykate(cant login Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 laRubiaBonita - sorry, i forgot to put that I'm from the UK. It isn't illegal here. I forgot about the differences. Thanks everyone for your replies. I just wanted to get some outside help rather than not talking about it at all. Thanks so much Link to post Share on other sites
arcadia Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Hey Kate, something very similar happened to me over a year ago. I caught my boyfriend emailing a girl he was friends with talking about meeting up for sex. I found out and he said the same things.. he didn't know why he did it, he was really sorry, etc. It took me a LONG time to get over it. actually, its been a little over a year and i am still not completely over it. But i am better. I went though a period of total mistrust and paranoia and it was AWFUL. But unfortunately, if he is acting right and allowing you to talk to him about it as much as you need to, that is all that can be done. Some people are able to gain the trust back.. others aren't. I wouldnt say my trust is 100% yet, and i am unsure if it ever will be. But it is close. and i am sure it will only get better with time. One thing for certain, is you need to have your boyfriend cut out contact with this girl. COMPLETELY. otherwise, it will drive you nuts. I didn't ask my boyfriend to quit talking to his friend, but he did it anyways and made sure to tell me that he did. He also let me know every time she contacted him after that. Things like that really help because it shows that he is aware of my feelings and wants me to trust him. If you need any more advice or just someone to talk to, let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by kittykate rude messages - they were sending each other dirty text messages, ya know...ones fantasising about sexual scenarios that they could have together. sexually explicit. Just checking, because if he's sending insulting messages, that changes everything. So is the term 'rude' in this case a UK thing? Because I've never heard rude used to mean sexual. Everything seems as though it is going to be ok, except the way I'm thinking. He's doing everything that he can to show to me that I can trust him and that he is sorry. I said to him that the only way we can begin to move forward is if he stops all contact with her 100%. He swore he would do that, and I believe him. I know our relationship can and will work if only I can stop this way of thinking. It's destroying me. Please help. I do think that when people are thinking 'irrationally', most of the time, they have good reason to, they just don't consciously know what signs they're picking up on to make them think this way. You've had a perfectly good reason to be distrustful of him. He needs to work to get back the trust that he broke. It's good that you trust him that he's not going to talk to her anymore, but if suspicions start to creep up on you again, don't just brush it of as irrational thinking. If you suspect he's ever in contact with her, ask him about it. If he says no, and you don't believe him, then it might be time to rethink whether the relationship is good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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