Is this an Emotional Affair or am I just jealous?

[starpower]

 

We initially began discussing our marriage with her counselor whom she had been seeing for depression/anxiety for over a year and I was generally questioned about my demanding/controlling attitude and my resistance to "open relationships"

 

 

 

One item that I neglected to mention that set off some of the more recent firestorm and led me to suggest counseling was her stating to me that she would "like" to have sex with this individual, "if given permission". She indicated that she knows I wouldn't be "ok" with that, however, so she states she won't. It is this line of discussion that makes me think she just has an entirely different perspective on relationships than I do...and I'm wondering if there's a way to reconcile the two viewpoints into something manageable.

 

 

I think this is the crux of the situation, that you already know, she wants an open relationship, she has admitted as much, has admitted that she would like to have sex with this guy.. Has questioned you about your resistance to an open relationship after her affair with the previous guy got exposed.

 

This is the issue in my mind that you need to focus upon, it's just a massive difference in outlook. I'm surprised you haven't brought it up more, or maybe you have. I would be asking her about this, her admitted to wanting sex with this guy, and others in an open relationship in general. You may love each other deeply, but this is such a huge difference in outlook i'm not sure how you can both reconcile. I don't see how you can manage these two viewpoints, either she does a better job in doing this behind you back, or you come across as controlling and demanding.

Edited May 21, 2016 by starpower
update.

[TaraMaiden2]

All I got from the discussion is

 

"You're controlling me - because you're breaking boundaries - because you're controlling me - because you're breaking boundaries - because you're controlling me - because you're breaking boundaries - because you're controlling me - because you're breaking boundaries - because you're controlling me - because you're breaking boundaries - because you're controlling me - !"

 

So, if you stop controlling her - she will carry on breaking boundaries, because she will see that as you relaxing and giving her permission.

 

For goodness' sake, just file and be done with it.

This whole thing is utterly ridiculous and has barely moved on or made progress from page one.

[merrmeade]

Abe, about the conversation between you and your wife that you posted -

 

I started to do one of my in-depth cut-and-paste studies but decided it's just not that complicated. Here's what I see:

 

She's not even acknowledging your problem, that you have a right to this problem or that she's done anything inappropriate.

 

I see that she's twisted and manipulated the "facts" to be that -

- she has a right to have friends and you're trying to prevent that

- this guy is just part of her group of friends

- you're trying to isolate her

etc.

 

Your constant engagement in the petty accusations and temper tantrums plays into her game of manipulating reality (also called gaslighting).

 

It's very simple:

You are her husband. You're not okay with her intimacy, emotional or physical, with other men. Period. End of story. You don't have to justify it. It's what partners expect in monogamous relationships.

 

It's a bottom line and you have no intention of compromising that stand again - whether in MC or for any other reason.

• She has no respect or concern for your feelings and insists on her rights.
  
• It's absurd that you must ask her for this loyalty or convince her of its propriety. It's not a matter of rules.
  
• It's one of the traditional marriage vows. There's no negotiating.
  
• It's what loving, mutually exclusive (monogamous), committed couples do for each other.
  
• It's deeply painful for you that she doesn't care about your pain, acknowledge your feelings or have empathy for how her insistence on having this relationship makes you feel.

There's no negotiation when there is this little understanding, love and loyalty.

She has the freedom to engage with her 'friends'; you release her.

 

And then you do (release her). She is not going to come to her senses until you do.

[merrmeade]

I think this is the crux of the situation, that you already know, she wants an open relationship, she has admitted as much, has admitted that she would like to have sex with this guy.. Has questioned you about your resistance to an open relationship after her affair with the previous guy got exposed.

 

This is the issue in my mind that you need to focus upon, it's just a massive difference in outlook. I'm surprised you haven't brought it up more, or maybe you have. I would be asking her about this, her admitted to wanting sex with this guy, and others in an open relationship in general. You may love each other deeply, but this is such a huge difference in outlook i'm not sure how you can both reconcile. I don't see how you can manage these two viewpoints, either she does a better job in doing this behind you back, or you come across as controlling and demanding.

But, Abe, you don't have to make her understand. She has to want to understand because she cares about your feelings and welfare, ESPECIALLY if she's doing damage to them. Yes, you have a "right" because of her out-of-bounds behavior last summer. One doesn't recover from such a betrayal according to a script. For that reason and because of her remarks and behavior regarding this current man-friend - NOT TO MENTION THIS WHOLE OTHER LIFE she has without you and invested so much emotional energy - you let her go.

 

No more petty arguing. She gets it or she doesn't. You can't teach it. I'm sorry.

[Oberfeldwebel]

She's 29 and I'm just shy of 36. Yes, she married when she was "younger" (22) and I have sometimes taken the role of "guide" in our marriage. I feel a moral obligation to help her as she's battled depression, anxiety, rage, and all the problems that go along with such mental health issues (time management, repeated job loss, inability to get out of bed, libido issues, low self-esteem, etc.). I hope this doesn't smack of arrogance (though, it probably does), but I'm not sure anyone else could love her more than I do and that's part of the reason I believe we should stay together.

 

From a distance this looks like a parent-child relationship. She has to be constantly reminded that it is almost 9 pm, she has to be reminded that she needs sleep and to go to bed. This is not the normal mindset of an adult. If she was a teenager, I would understand this behavior, but she is almost 30. I guarantee that if the shoe was on the other foot she would understand that this behavior is inappropriate.

 

Marriages work best when it is a relationship of equal partners and not a parent-child relationship. I am not going to tell you to stay or go, as that is a decision only you can make in life. However, it is going to be a long tough relationship if she cannot evolve into a more mature and equal relationship.

[farsidejunky]

No. And that's why I'm trying to work on this and am so appreciative of everyone's support on here.

 

Then stop carrying her.

 

Stop babying her.

 

You are treating her like a child who needs to learn her lesson from you, and then you wonder why she resists you like an insolent teenager.

 

Take the training wheels off...right now.

 

"Wife, it is clear these things are too important for you to give up. I love you too much to control you. I also love myself too much to continue to be in a relationship with someone who does this. So I am letting you go."

 

And actually freaking mean it.

 

If she is going to actually change, it will be because she chooses to, not because you twisted her arm. So give her a true reason.

 

People change when the discomfort of not changing outweighs the discomfort of their current situation.

Edited May 21, 2016 by farsidejunky

[aliveagain]

Sounds like her fantasy life is more important to her then her real life. Does she dress up as a Cosplay character? Will she be in character when she attends the conference? If yes then you need to know about her character because that is how she will be acting that weekend. I guess what I am saying is if her character is someone with few boundaries you have cause to be worried because it won't be your wife attending the conference it will be her character with few to no boundaries. Some of them wear very little clothing and almost looks like their outfit is painted on.

 

Just to clarify, is it the teenage boy that isn't even old enough to get in bars that your wife wants to have sex with if you allow her to? If so you have to wonder about your wife's mental health because she's willing to destroy your marriage for an affair with a teenage boy. This boy is young enough to be your son.

[Jersey born raised]

There seems to be more going on then you think. You have two choices: enable her by continueing what you are doing or don't enable by using the 180 as discussed here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. Take the time to read the pinned posts at the top of each forum. The are among some of the most thoughtful pieces I have read. Also consider this:

 

 

 

Thoughts on PBD

 

This was posted by an individual who while not a doctor has a great*

Insights into BPD and narcissists

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

7. Low self esteem;

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

 

*if most of those behaviors sound very familiar, it would be helpful for to know which are the strongest and most persistent. I

 

The poster would urge you that these traits are *common, it is the degree

Across all of these traits.*

 

Hat tip*DownTown

[Abe Froman]

I have been very thankful for the outpouring of information/advice/support from everyone to this point.

 

I have definitely taken to heart much of what has been said and will do my best to square it with my own ethics and apply it going forward. My wife and I have a meeting with our MC tomorrow afternoon and I will likely share some of what has been said and try to see if there is any "awakening" about why her actions have been problematic.

 

I will also acknowledge that I have been an enabler for far too long and that I am definitely not blameless for helping to create the situation as it currently stands. I recognize the weaknesses of my own insecurities have led me to bend far too much far too often for far too long.

 

Whether my more confident/steadfast approach will result in me being a more attractive partner is definitely debatable, however. To this point, my unwillingness to bend the rules has been met with harsh resistance, name-calling, and charges of being a controlling, manipulative, [insert negatively connoted adjective], [insert negative connoted expletive noun]. I have been attacked verbally, emotionally, and even physically. I have withstood such assaults in the name of love and a belief that a "good husband" should be able to love his wife relatively unconditionally (obviously, abuse of certain types is an absolute no-no--and my views on monogamy are non-negotiable, as well).

 

We will see how it goes tomorrow and likely re-evaluate our situation after that point. My wife HAS been making a relatively good faith effort with adhering to our agreed upon boundaries (e.g., no phone after 9 p.m., etc.)--though she has done so highly resentfully. I will be very interested in seeing how all of "check-up" components of tomorrow's meeting unfold in that regard.

 

Again, thank you to everyone for all of your thoughts and support. This isn't getting any easier.

[NTV]

Fingers are crossed for you man! I think that your in a difficult position no matter what you say or do or decide. The next year will not be fun. But hopefully it lays the groundwork for the year after--whichever direction that is.

[Abe Froman]

Sounds like her fantasy life is more important to her then her real life. Does she dress up as a Cosplay character? Will she be in character when she attends the conference? If yes then you need to know about her character because that is how she will be acting that weekend. I guess what I am saying is if her character is someone with few boundaries you have cause to be worried because it won't be your wife attending the conference it will be her character with few to no boundaries. Some of them wear very little clothing and almost looks like their outfit is painted on.

 

Just to clarify, is it the teenage boy that isn't even old enough to get in bars that your wife wants to have sex with if you allow her to? If so you have to wonder about your wife's mental health because she's willing to destroy your marriage for an affair with a teenage boy. This boy is young enough to be your son.

 

Aliveagain--

 

I just needed to clarify a few points that maybe have been misunderstood to this juncture:

 

1. My wife will be cosplaying a TARDIS from Doctor Who (this is her first "convention" of any sort where she will be attending and her first time cosplaying). This really has nothing to do with the character/game she's interested in and I don't have any problem with it since we're both Doctor Who fans and this is pretty innocent (not overly sexy, etc.).

 

2. The "teenage boy" was from last summer. It was an individual she met through several Facebook groups (Smutlandia, etc.) that dealt with pornography/erotic fan fiction/picture sharing, etc. He was in a relationship with his girlfriend (also a teenager) and initially began asking my wife for questions about how to proposition his actual girlfriend for their first sexual encounter through those forums. In the process of "counseling him", my wife began to have sexual conversations with him and eventually had regular sexting sessions that included graphic nude photos of each other being exchanged. She broke contact with him after my discovery of the chats/sexts, and has not had any contact with him since.

 

As a result of this experience, however, I asked that my wife basically do 2 things: A) No more sharing of pictures of risque/nude pictures of herself with others & B) No more talking to men online (She has mainly adhered to A, though there were some issues I've had with some of the pictures she's shared since and has completely not adhered to B as evidenced by her ongoing "friendly" relationship she has with the cosplayer who will be attending the upcoming convention).

 

I hope this clarifies the situation somewhat.

[NTV]

Yes, it's a good past example of you telling her what is hurtful to the marriage and her continuing to do whatever the hell she wants.

 

 

Do you need to be told not to pee in her shampoo for you to know that it would be hurtful? She's not an idiot. Don't let her play the I didn't know or that's not cheating to me cards anymore.

 

 

She cheated and thereby has proven herself untrustworthy. She doesn't do the things to earn trust back.

 

 

Everything we've told you so far man... you can't save this marriage by yourself. You said you were printing this off and taking it to the MC.

 

 

You don't need to do that. That's just re-enforcing her playing the idiot card. What you should do, is sit there and honestly ask the question "why should I stay in the marriage?" and if she says 'love' just remind her that your love hasn't stopped her from cheating.

 

 

This isn't a question of whether you love her or not. No one here doubts you love her. This is a question of someone abusing you because they know you love them.

 

 

I'll give you an example... There was a dude in my junior high that had a crush on a girl. (surprise, right?) and she found out when he gave her a bracelet. Well this chick acted like she liked it for years to keep getting gifts all the while ignoring him and dating other people. And he just kept doing it. None of his friends could talk him out of it. I sure couldn't. Making fun of it didn't stop it. Reason didn't stop it. He was just so smitten he couldn't see that if he had stood up for himself she might have.... IDK. Can't predict that, she ended up being a train wreck anyway but that's a different story.

 

 

Anyways man, I'm pulling for you. Not your marriage, not your wife. I'm hoping you learn to use your voice in this marriage in a way that works.

 

 

Worse case scenario, you could play mind games back. Find a string of something that bothers her and learn how to pull it. Could be fun in a prank kinda way.

[Abe Froman]

I read enough of the chat to still say she is incredibly immature. It's all about her, and she shows no empathy for you.

 

She is playing the usual WS cards:

You enforcing consequences of not abiding by boundaries = "You're threatening/controlling me"

 

 

Here's where you are right now. You are trying to fix a problem. BUT, she doesn't even see that there IS a problem to be fixed.

 

Besides her being immature, what does her FOO look like in regards of marriage? Why does she think this is acceptable in a healthy marriage?

 

I don't know anyone that would place this much value on online friends. It's not like her best friends from the block. It would be like me saying I value my "friendships" with fellow Loveshack users more than my marriage or spouse. It's just weird.

 

Thanks for the comments/questions Betrayed&Stayed.

 

I actually have a really strong relationship with my wife's parents who have been married around 30 years (can't remember exactly). Her father has been a truck driver and spent a lot her childhood "away" when he would be on cross-country trips. However, around the time she became a teenager, he took a more local job and was home in the evenings. She has indicated that the two of them butted heads frequently during her adolescence and I will acknowledge that they are both extraordinarily stubborn individuals.

 

Her mother used to drive truck along with her father, but since my wife was born, she has stayed home and driven a school bus (and previously worked at the local post office). She and my wife have a pretty healthy mother/daughter relationship. I would also say that my wife and her father also have a healthy relationship today, as well.

 

Both of her parents were previously divorced before finding each other, so my wife has two half-siblings. However, they've always just identified each other as "brother/sisters" and the relationship of my wife's parents has never really been taxed much since she was born (at least to the knowledge of us).

 

What I CAN say is that my wife grew up in a rural setting where she rarely had the opportunity to have physical friends in close geographical proximity. While she didn't get the Internet in her home probably until she was 14-15 (we're talking pretty rural here--cable internet STILL isn't available for her parents), she did find a lot of friends online. She dated several guys she met online off/on for awhile and had a significant number of "flings" with several others (as well as a few from her school). My wife was/is extremely physically attractive (though she now has a very low self-esteem about it) and I'm sure that combination (low self-esteem + people complimenting her on her appearance through her posted pictures) has resulted in a lot of the allure into the online world(s).

 

As I've noted many times before, my wife really does suffer from a lot of personal challenges. Both of us went directly from living with our parents to living together (neither of us has ever spent a day where we lived "alone"--part of what greatly terrifies me about moving across the country for my new job without her...that would completely isolate me). My wife has always had a lot of trouble holding down a job due to rampant tardiness/absenteeism and just a simple feeling of "not wanting to work". I'm sure her depression plays a MAJOR role in all of that and we've spent years working together to try to improve the situation (with mixed results).

 

Regardless, I'm willing to accept a lot of the flaws of my wife (after all, I have plenty of my own), but I really don't feel respected/valued by her actions with other men. In other words, I've probably "enabled" far too much throughout the course of our relationship and now when I'm putting my foot down on something, it's causing tremendous problems.

[Abe Froman]

Fingers are crossed for you man! I think that your in a difficult position no matter what you say or do or decide. The next year will not be fun. But hopefully it lays the groundwork for the year after--whichever direction that is.

 

Thank you, NTV. I'm a bundle of emotions (mostly negative) right now. I just feel lost and uncertain as to what the future holds...for someone who's already a pretty anxious person to begin with...that's not a great combination.

[Abe Froman]

Yes, it's a good past example of you telling her what is hurtful to the marriage and her continuing to do whatever the hell she wants.

 

 

Do you need to be told not to pee in her shampoo for you to know that it would be hurtful? She's not an idiot. Don't let her play the I didn't know or that's not cheating to me cards anymore.

 

 

She cheated and thereby has proven herself untrustworthy. She doesn't do the things to earn trust back.

 

 

Everything we've told you so far man... you can't save this marriage by yourself. You said you were printing this off and taking it to the MC.

 

 

You don't need to do that. That's just re-enforcing her playing the idiot card. What you should do, is sit there and honestly ask the question "why should I stay in the marriage?" and if she says 'love' just remind her that your love hasn't stopped her from cheating.

 

 

This isn't a question of whether you love her or not. No one here doubts you love her. This is a question of someone abusing you because they know you love them.

 

 

I'll give you an example... There was a dude in my junior high that had a crush on a girl. (surprise, right?) and she found out when he gave her a bracelet. Well this chick acted like she liked it for years to keep getting gifts all the while ignoring him and dating other people. And he just kept doing it. None of his friends could talk him out of it. I sure couldn't. Making fun of it didn't stop it. Reason didn't stop it. He was just so smitten he couldn't see that if he had stood up for himself she might have.... IDK. Can't predict that, she ended up being a train wreck anyway but that's a different story.

 

 

Anyways man, I'm pulling for you. Not your marriage, not your wife. I'm hoping you learn to use your voice in this marriage in a way that works.

 

 

Worse case scenario, you could play mind games back. Find a string of something that bothers her and learn how to pull it. Could be fun in a prank kinda way.

 

NTV--Thanks for the comments and the analogy. I'm not going to play mind games--as I told my wife last night, this isn't a game to me. I'm serious about everything I'm doing/saying. I'm not vindictive and I don't see her as the "adversary"/"enemy" (and I really wish she wouldn't view me that way, either). I do love my wife and will care about her no matter what happens. As I've said all along...my goal going forward is to just be the best "me" I can be and hopefully that will result in positive outcomes (whatever they may be).

[NTV]

Yeah, wasn't recommending vindictiveness.

[Try]

As a result of this experience, however, I asked that my wife basically do 2 things: A) No more sharing of pictures of risque/nude pictures of herself with others & B) No more talking to men online (She has mainly adhered to A, though there were some issues I've had with some of the pictures she's shared since and has completely not adhered to B as evidenced by her ongoing "friendly" relationship she has with the cosplayer who will be attending the upcoming convention).

So in boundary "A" she is no longer allowed to share "risque/nude pictures of herself" with her emotional affair partners, but she is still allowed to share pictures of herself with them, and she still has issue with this boundary, and in boundary "B" she not only ignore this but plans to meet one of her affair partners face to face out of town at a convention that you will not be at. What makes matters worse is that she has all this time to cheat on you, because you work so hard to make money which allows her the free time to cheat.

 

She will not stop cheating because she does not have to. Unless you change this dynamic, she will continue to cheat.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife has always had a lot of trouble holding down a job due to rampant tardiness/absenteeism and just a simple feeling of "not wanting to work". I'm sure her depression plays a MAJOR role in all of that and we've spent years working together to try to improve the situation (with mixed results).

 

Your position that, due to her character/immaturity/depression, you'll accept or excuse some of her inappropriate behavior is a slippery slope. How much is some? How far is too far?

 

At some point, there has to be some make-or-break boundaries. You can only fix the leaks for so long...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ChickiePops]

Your position that, due to her character/immaturity/depression, you'll accept or excuse some of her inappropriate behavior is a slippery slope. How much is some? How far is too far?

 

At some point, there has to be some make-or-break boundaries. You can only fix the leaks for so long...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The leak is a great analogy. I feel like you're plugging holes in a dam with your fingers..but eventually you'll run out of fingers.

 

You're more like her father than her husband at this point and she's acting like a petulant, bratty teenager. She's walking all over you and it's never going to stop unless there are real consequences. She doesn't believe that you will take action.

 

Also...was the kid she was sexting with over 18??

[Mr. Lucky]

You're more like her father than her husband at this point and she's acting like a petulant, bratty teenager. She's walking all over you and it's never going to stop unless there are real consequences. She doesn't believe that you will take action.

 

Amen. OP, look at all the issues involved in implementing something as simple as your agreed upon 9:00 pm cut-off to address your wife's fixation with partners via social media? If a WS won't comply with the small things needed to make the relationship work, it's unrealistic to think they'd honor the more significant boundaries.

 

Act accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Abe Froman]

Update on where things stand and what has happened:

 

I have done my best to avoid posting on any forums as we have attempted to work through some of the challenges that have been described here and elsewhere. With that said, a great deal of what many have suggested might happen has indeed taken place.

 

Shortly after my most recent posts, my wife and I had brief separations/fights with one of us leaving (though always returning for the night). One night, she flatly refused the 9 p.m. "curfew" and took her phone with her and left to talk with her friends until 7 a.m. the next morning (she managed to get back in the house as she had a key I was unaware of). On another evening, I left briefly due to a fight.

 

Regardless, looking back on those episodes now seems "petty". On May 31, we had what I thought was a major breakthrough in terms of healing our marriage. During a session with our MC, my wife said that she was tired of the fighting and genuinely wanted to commit to me and only me. She had earlier made the offer to stop contacting the OM the previous Thursday (prior to one of our fights) and I have to admit that I was both surprised, yet happy at her renewed commitment (at least in words). She indicated that she had a lot of personal struggles with flirtatiousness and that she knew that she had to work on her problems if she wanted to stay in our marriage--and that's what she wanted to do. Needless to say, on the way home from that session, I felt like maybe things might work out for the first time in a long time.

 

Later that night... about 4-5 hours after our session, I walked into my wife's bathroom as she was taking a bath and asked for her phone because it was 9 p.m. I took the phone downstairs to plug it in and happened to notice that one of the most recent apps she was using was a picture editor (Pixlr) and clicked on the app only to discover a picture of her thong being pulled aside to expose her genitalia. I immediately marched back upstairs and called her out on it, asked who she was sexting (it was the AP I had been trying to ignore and give her the benefit of the doubt about), and told her to "get out" (meaning both the tub and the house--and probably my life).

 

I held onto her phone and took it into our office where I was working to cancel her flight for the upcoming trip. I contacted via email the trip organizers and asked if there was a chance for a refund, etc. Shortly thereafter, she came into the room and literally physically fought me for the phone (which I did not give up, though I did hang up and agree to not cancel her trip for the "rest of the night"). She sat down in front of the door (still naked/wrapped in a towel) and refused to let me leave. I contemplated crawling out of the 2nd-story window to just get away from her, but instead I broke down and called her names I'm not proud of and told her that "I don't need you.".

 

She was initially smarmy and almost "proud" of what she had done. However, after about 45 minutes, she opened the door and went downstairs to get a drink of water and tried to overdose on pain pills (Naproxen) or at least give the impression that she would. Needless to say, I forced her to spit them out and was just about ready to take her to a hospital to get her help. She calmed down...slightly..and we talked for a bit. I grabbed my suitcase and began packing...then took a brief shower and unlocked her phone's pictures, etc. She had convinced this guy to simultaneously take a bath where they shared pictures (no penis shot from him, but shots of what appeared to have him using a fleshlight, etc.), but she sent full nudity and a video of herself masturbating. I was appalled (obviously)...they also talked about what type of sex toys each liked, etc.

 

I came out of the bathroom and she was asleep on the bed. I continued to pack my things and she woke up and asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was leaving, that I had unlocked her phone and had seen what was said/sent. She begged me to stay and I told her that I would be leaving at 1:00 a.m. (about 40 minutes from that point). I offered to drive her down to her parents' house if she felt the need to be supported (I was genuinely scared she might hurt herself and wanted her to be in a loving environment--just not with me). She was reluctant, but agreed.

 

We headed down to her parents house and I dropped her off after talking with her for a bit. I continued on to visit my Mom and we slept apart for the first time in our marriage as I told her that I could not sleep with her as she had already been with someone else that night.

 

The next day, I returned to pick her up from her parents and we had a major talk in front of them. I told them what had happened in our marriage and our relationship. We talked for probably 2 hours together and they generally came down heavily on my side of the equation--though they obviously wanted us to stay together. She owned up to a lot of the mistakes that had been made and indicated on the way home that she was now "out of the fog" and wanted to do what it took to save our marriage.

 

Since that time, I have not given her phone back and I have closely monitored her use of the internet. I later canceled her trip to Alabama for the convention and we told our MC about the situation (which had evidently escalated tremendously since we had started counseling). I still feel sick each and every day and am having a lot of triggers/flashbacks/negative feelings and confusion. We listed our house for sale (which we needed to do anyway) and I'm still not sure where we stand as a couple moving forward.

 

After she found out that I had canceled her trip, she immediately began to get depressed/cry/etc. She had purchased a lot of materials/costumes/accessories for her cosplaying, etc. and they were arriving in the mail. The t-shirt she had designed showed up and she began to cry on that Friday (3 days after the date of discovery--a week ago today). I said that if you hadn't decided to talk about what sex toys you wanted to use with OM, maybe this wouldn't have happened. She became irate and we didn't talk--just as we were about to head to our first counseling session post-discovery.

 

That Friday was HARD. She was infuriated with me for canceling the trip without her knowledge and because of how I stated how it was her responsibility for me doing so (agreed--it was not the most "artful" way of putting it). The two of us fought heavily in front of the MC that day and she almost refused to unlock the car doors on the way out to let me go home with her. Of course, it really didn't matter much as we only had gotten about 3 blocks down the road when she said that she had never wanted to hurt someone as badly as she wanted to hurt me at that point (and that I should be happy that she didn't have a gun). I made a taunting "baby cry" noise and she pulled the car over, hit me, told me to get out of the car (which I did), and drove off with a middle finger flashing my way. I was probably about 3-4 hours from home by walking and my cell phone doesn't get service in that area...so I was stranded and felt like I was never going to see my wife again. As I walked...I tried to hold it together, but I felt a degree of disbelief that "this was it".

 

I walked for about 45-60 minutes and realized I couldn't get back the way I was headed, so I turned around and started walking a different direction to where I was hoping to get to a public library and maybe contact Uber/Taxi, etc. and try to get home. Just as I was returning to the same spot where this all started, she pulled up with our dog, and asked if I wanted a ride. I got in and the two of us fought on the way home, but I demanded that once we arrived that we would drop the attitudes, sarcasm, etc. and have a serious talk.

 

She felt that I had not been receptive to the contrition that she had been demonstrating for the prior couple of days since discovery. She was sick of me "threatening" divorce (which wasn't really a hollow threat--I still plan on contacting a lawyer to at least know my options--though not necessarily with the intent to file as of yet). I told her that my response to her was due to what she did to me. We went back-and-forth, but eventually somewhat shut it down and spent the evening together (she had to unlock everything and replace the battery in the garage door opener as she had removed it--just in case I DID get home I wouldn't have a way inside as she was initially home to look up airline tickets for her trip again).

 

We agreed to take the weekend to evaluate the situation.

 

Over the weekend, she constantly fought to have me help her go back on the trip. Against what may have been my better judgment, I agreed. Now I know what everyone here is going to say about that, but I honestly viewed this situation as the "least" of our problems in some respects. In essence, the phone and her access to the Internet are far greater concerns to me than a 3-4 day trip. If I can manage/control those elements and avoid the resentment of having to deal with her being denied this trip, then I'm amenable to it. She asked for her phone for the trip and I flatly refused (after a pretty hefty fight and her throwing MY phone out our 2nd story window). I agreed to get her a GoPhone (talk/text only) for security purposes and a camera.

 

The rest of the week was tense, but she was so focused on preparing for her trip and we were having so many house showings that we seemed to have our minds elsewhere. We did have 2 meetings with the MC and both were primarily focused on establishing rules of conduct for her on the trip and trying to put my mind at ease (as best it can be). We have another scheduled for Monday where the MC wants us to go over the trip in her presence (and not before).

 

I drove my wife to her parents' house late last night and we did not encounter either of them, but we took a short "nap" and then headed to the airport. I gave her a kiss for the first time since the date of discovery (though we did have one "awkward" intimate session in the time since--where I have a bit of regret/guilt about still--I don't know if it was hysterical bonding or not) and she went on her way. She sent me a couple texts letting me know she was ok and had made it safely, but I have not heard anything today (despite being 10:51 p.m. on my birthday--no happy birthday wish, etc.).

 

I've been staying with my Mom and quite a few members of my family have come to visit over the past 2 days. Tomorrow, I am going to visit her parents and hopefully it will be a healthy/productive talk.

 

I have also been reading a lot about Histrionic Personality Disorder and was curious as to anyone's knowledgeable thoughts on the topic as it might pertain to my wife.

 

Regardless...here I am. Still conflicted--we have been reading "Not Just Friends" together (both in audiobook/physical format) and we seem to be making some progress...yet...she's also 1,000 miles away at a convention...we're not sleeping together for the first times in our marriage...she's in the same location as the OM after what has happened... I want to keep the faith, but I've lost ALL trust.

 

I guess now I'm just hoping/praying that when she returns, things can start to heal... no asking for the phone...no asking for the Internet... she's done well to this point since the discovery (I've sat beside her whenever she's gone online to ask questions on Facebook/look up information), but she is NOT getting her old phone back. I've told her that her asking for it will trigger me and piss me off... so she knows this.

 

I just hope that things can "reset" once we get back together, but I'm scared. She has been saying a lot of the "right" things since the discovery and she has been good about going "cold turkey" with the phone. I just wonder how long it can last and whether our future together is workable.

 

Thanks, as always for your support throughout this ordeal.

[aliveagain]

My only advice to you is wake up.

[66Charger]

You are the biggest doormat to ever have posted on LS.

 

I really dont get it the point of your post. You are worried about her phone? Wow what delusion. Something is really wrong with you.

[Jersey born raised]

What do you want us to say? What a great guy you are and how you don't deserve this? Are you trying vieing to be the the martyr of the month?

 

You want to stop this drama cycle you need to just simply stop. That is all it takes, walk away.

[Older 'n' wiser]

1. There is no "reset" button; there is no "reset." You cannot go back to what or who you were together - probably individually either.

 

2. Her inconsistent behavior is undermining your marriage.

2a. You have been controlling all of her 'good' behavior.

2b. She continues indulging in "bad" behavior that

2bi. - grossly disrespects you, her husband, your marriage and your trust.

2bi. - increases her sexual appetite and builds sexual tension with AP.

3. You have facilitated a face-to-face meeting between her and AP in a setting where

3a. - you will not be able to control her behavior.

3b. - there is ample opportunity for consummation of their sexual attraction.

What, pray tell, will stop her from having intercourse with him?