Bored 3 Months In

[mc93]

Newly wed here! Last night as I was going to bed my husband says to me. "We haven't even been married three months and the excitment is already gone. Is this going to be our lives forever?" It was like a major slap to the face and I was hurt deeply. I didn't even know what to say and just said to him, "The door is right there." End of conversation. Then today, I get a text during work saying he's going out of town for the weekend. Just out of the blue. I tried calling him and he rejected my call and when I texted him back saying to be safe and asking if he was going alone, he never replied back.

 

I'm really hurt and I have to wonder if I'm the most boring person out there. I mean half the time, he isn't home and when he comes home at night he gets annoyed that I'm not staying up to chat or hang out. I just don't know what to think of his attitude :/

[Methodical]

How long did you date prior to getting married?

[mc93]

How long did you date prior to getting married?

 

We dated for a year, but were best friends for 10 years.

[ShatteredLady]

Hey. I'm so sorry. Can you explain further? He said that & you replied about the door...then you just went to sleep? Didn't you guys talk about it? Do you talk?

 

It sounds like there's an abyss between you.

 

What do you do at the weekends? Hang out? Have fun?

 

Life is routine. There are many famous plays & poems on the subject but to be "Waiting for Godot" after 3months is a bit tragic.

 

Do you just wake, work, eat, bed?

 

His passive aggressive avoidance is very, very worrying. I'm living with that but we're married 20 years soon. If my daughter told me that her H said that & was rejecting her calls I'd be googling annulment.

Edited May 13, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[loveboid]

You told him the door is right there. Basically you said yes it's going to be like this forever and if he doesn't like it he can leave. Well he doesn't like it so he left. What are you confused about?

[xxoo]

Sounds like he has a bit of reality shock and maybe let down now that all the excitement of getting married is over. Time for both of you to grow up. Doesn't mean that it'll be boring, but that you can't expect your marriage to be a source of excitement.

 

Do exciting things together as a married couple. Easy.

[ladydesigner]

You told him the door is right there. Basically you said yes it's going to be like this forever and if he doesn't like it he can leave. Well he doesn't like it so he left. What are you confused about?

 

Hey OP just don't let it be the revolving door kind. If your H needs constant attention and ego boosting he may just be the issue.

 

Did he say exactly what it was about the M that lost excitement. He sounds like a 2 year old.

[basil67]

It was a very odd exchange from both of you. It seems that the two of you have a major disconnect happening.

 

Your hubby has probably had a kind of shock about what it's like as the honeymoon phase begins to end - although he could have worded it better.

 

In turn, you could have said something along the lines of "I guess it's a normal phase for relationships to go through. Perhaps we can go and do some more interesting things". But instead, you just told him to leave if he's not happy.

 

If you want to turn this around, you will need to reach out.

[Mr. Lucky]

Him: I'm finding parts of our relationship have changed and I'd like to do some new things. What do you think?

 

You: I'm glad you've told me this. I have my own thoughts, let's talk about some ideas.

 

See how different that is from "you suck" and "don't let the door hit you in the *ss"?

 

You both need to enroll in Communication 101...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Him: I'm finding parts of our relationship have changed and I'd like to do some new things. What do you think?

 

You: I'm glad you've told me this. I have my own thoughts, let's talk about some ideas.

 

See how different that is from "you suck" and "don't let the door hit you in the *ss"?

 

You both need to enroll in Communication 101...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Nailed it! .....

[SammySammy]

Both of you should have learned a fundamental truth about marriage: Marriages require constant conscientious thought and effort to simply maintain a level of happiness and satisfaction. Stagnation and decline are automatic.

 

It's like having a garden. A gardener can plant a great garden (wedding day), but if he or she doesn't water the plants that need watering, fertilize the plants that need fertilizer, pull the weeds, and remove the pests then they won't have a productive garden.

 

The weeds grow automatically. Will choke the life out of your garden if you just let them stay. Plants wither and die without the proper nourishment. Pests will destroy and steal what little the garden does produce if we don't get rid of them.

 

Good marriages must be tended, cared for and nourished much the same way.

 

A great garden ... or marriage ... requires extra care.

 

Both of you need to decide if you're willing to nurture your marriage. Or just let nature take its course. Let the weeds of life - uncaring and unkind words and behaviors - choke your marriage to death.

[elaine567]

Could there be someone else here?

Half the time he isn't home, he dropped a huge bomb, and now he is going out of town for the weekend and is uncontactable.

...like he almost planned it...

[Bufo]

Danger, Will Robinson, danger! You're probably not old enough to remember Lost in Space, but that was a recurring line. The robot sensed danger and told one of the human space explorers..

 

 

Here, same thing. Danger, MC93, danger! Start snooping in phone records, bank records, computer, phone, and credit card statements. Try to piece the puzzle together. If he is/has been unfaithful he's probably never going to admit it to you voluntarily. How closely did you keep tabs on him while engaged?

 

If I had to bet, I'd bet on a continuing relationship that he didn't surrender when he decided to get married.

 

Practical advice: find reasons not to join all credit cards, bank accounts, car titles, etc until you know you will stay married.

 

If he didn't tell you who he was going with on this trip, where he is planning to go, or how long it's been planned, you are probably looking at an A. Just my guess, however.

[BettyDraper]

Sounds like he has a bit of reality shock and maybe let down now that all the excitement of getting married is over. Time for both of you to grow up. Doesn't mean that it'll be boring, but that you can't expect your marriage to be a source of excitement.

 

Do exciting things together as a married couple. Easy.

 

Why can't marriage be exciting? I agree that there is a let down after the engagement period and wedding. I just don't think that means that marriage has to be a lifelong snoozefest either.

 

I think the OP's husband is either leaving her or having an affair. Leaving town without so much as a goodbye or sharing plans is extremely disrespectful and appalling.

 

That said, the OP could have responded to her husband's concerns in a more productive manner than "There's the door." Neither of them seem ready for marriage because there are unrealistic expectations as well as very poor communication.

[sandylee1]

Poor communication... what is different now than it was in the courtship?

He could have suggested doing those things.

 

Instead he communicated poorly and you perceived it as he was saying you are boring. That's not what I interpreted from the dialogue. He was referring to 'the marriage ' not you.

 

So you responded based on what you perceived as you felt hurt.

 

Him going out of town is not good and is avoiding the necessary conversation.

 

Now in my younger hot headed days ... I'd plan a trip out of town just like he did once he returns and I'd text as he did out of spite ... and to show two can play that game .... but that will only make things worse. Then the atmosphere gets so tense and horrible.

 

When he gets back... go out to dinner and discuss things..... tell him how you perceived what he said and now on reflection you realise your response wasn't right..... you guys need to stay connected on an emotional level or this won't last.

 

Plan regular date nights.... do fun things together... plan and discuss hopes and dreams and how to get there. You have to share your thoughts and keep the flame alive both in and out of the bedroom.

 

 

You know I've just recalled a convo my H had with me about 17 years ago .... I had an infant and he came home from work one day... thought the place was messy.. I still in my pjs and was stressed out with the baby and he said was it going to be like this for the next 18 years till the baby was grown. ... as he couldn't stay if it was. Like you I said "fine... you can leave". I was well pis**d off.

 

You remind me of myself back then. I was thinking what a fu***ing cheek...how dare he..... and how my looking after the baby was underestimated. Like he thought I spent the day doing nothing.

[NTV]

Chick, I think I have a different take on this...not that I disagree with the others especially about the communication thing... it's a tough thing for a guy to go through a period of heightened sexually escapades and then crash. You should follow him how to wherever he's headed and nail the bejesus out of him. In a costume with handcuffs whip cream and any other happy fun time novelty stuff you can think of.

 

You basically told him that the dating and honeymoon stuff was the bait in a bait and switch. I'd likely wanna haul a** too. He's probably really thinking about it.

 

Plus if he is cheating as suggested then you'll know when you find him.

[Lady Hamilton]

Today's lesson in "don't bluff if you're not prepare to be called on it" is brought to you by...

 

Sitting back and self-reflecting on your life at some point isn't uncommon and it isn't generally something to take offense to. There does come a time where you realize you've checked out almost every box in the "expected of me" list... Marriage, education, job, money in the bank, a place to live... And wonder "holy cow... Now what?"

 

It's not a reflection on dissatisfaction generally, just trying to re-adjust and re-calibrate your "what's next?" meter.

 

Because you didn't follow up on what he meant and what he felt, you can't know if he meant that he was restless in the marriage or if the monotony of life was getting to him.

 

Clearly, him leaving with who knows who over the weekend without telling you... That's not Ok. But you held the door open for him to go, so I suspect he'll bring that up when he comes back.

[gemini6]

"the door's right there" First, I love your attitude!

Second, Marriage is NOT a prison, if he is that bored and you are that bored - well, there's the door.

Now, I would suggest that you actually talk to each other but I would never actually lose that attitude!

Why? I'll tell you why. People seem to think that once they are married that they are trapped or have you trapped an can begin to treat you with disrespect and taking you for granted. Then, people start thinking that the grass might be greener somewhere or with someone else...Go choke on the greener grass is always my response.

Hey, don't let the door hit ya in the ass! I'm not the prison warden here. If it's too boring for ya, then go find something else.

So, you can stalk him if you want, or you can go do a bunch of fun stuff with your friends while he's out of town. If he's cheating, you'll find out - and if he's cheating 3 months in - well, don't let the door hit ya in the ass!

[Lady Hamilton]

That's all well and good, but one would argue that saying "We've only been married 3 months and the excitement has died down... Is this what the rest of our lives is going to be like?" is a normal, self-reflective observation of one's life and relationships.

 

 

Replying "Don't like it? There's the door" would actually be the disrespectful response that indicates you're taking your partner for granted. It's not a comment that acknowledges you've heard a concern from your partner and you want to find a solution. It's the opposite. It says you don't want to work on anything and if he doesn't like that you don't want to work on anything, he should leave.

 

 

Who's to say if she hadn't handled it differently and said "What do you mean?" and then explored it, they'd have found out that planning a vacation, taking set date nights, or planning some other out-of-the-box activity would have solved his problem?

 

 

People don't like telling their partner that they have a hurt, fear, or feeling and then be blown off. Of course, they don't like when their spouse up and vanishes for the weekend, but when you say "you don't like it then leave," you can't get too upset when he does. I mean, how do you reply to that when he comes back? "I didn't mean it?" So then you have to explain why you're being confrontational for the sake of being confrontational.

 

 

At some point in pretty much everybody's marriage, they sit down and say "holy cow, is this my life?" That's not a bad thing. I've done it. My husband has done it. It doesn't mean that we hate each other or even that our marriage is bad.

 

 

In fact, one such question by both of us revealed that all of our yesterdays from the last 1.5 years looked like all of our tomorrows from now until forever and we didn't like it. We instituted bi-weekly date nights, one of which was child-free each month, we edited our budget, and we made room to plan two large vacations per year. Problem with monotony solved. Now we talk about date nights, plan what wild places we're visiting, what we'll do while we're there, and we have (at all times) numerous things on the horizon to look forward to and get hype about. We've even taken pointless and spontaneous overnight trips just because. Problem 100% solved.

 

 

If you can't ask your partner existential questions about life and where it's headed, the problem isn't the partner asking the question, it's the partner who doesn't want to talk about an answer.

[mc93]

Could there be someone else here?

Half the time he isn't home, he dropped a huge bomb, and now he is going out of town for the weekend and is uncontactable.

...like he almost planned it...

 

 

I haven't replied to any of these comments because I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'd never want to believe my husband is cheating and want to trust him but things aren't adding up.... He did and up coming home that night after he said he was going out of town and brought home a make-up gift. We had a great day the day after, you'd never think anything was wrong and then the day after that he stopped talking to me and started disappearing again. It's been 4 days in a row that he's been gone and coming home at 8 pm or later (last night he came home at midnight). He has a fingerprint lock on his phone, he goes into work for overtime late Friday nights (like leaves at 9 pm and comes home like at 4 am) when he works a day job. When he comes home, he won't talk to me. I tried giving him a kiss when he came home the other night and he turned his face away. I literally don't know what's going on. And yes, I could ask but he gets angry and defensive if I say anything, so I've been keeping quiet.

[NTV]

I haven't replied to any of these comments because I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'd never want to believe my husband is cheating and want to trust him but things aren't adding up.... He did and up coming home that night after he said he was going out of town and brought home a make-up gift. We had a great day the day after, you'd never think anything was wrong and then the day after that he stopped talking to me and started disappearing again. It's been 4 days in a row that he's been gone and coming home at 8 pm or later (last night he came home at midnight). He has a fingerprint lock on his phone, he goes into work for overtime late Friday nights (like leaves at 9 pm and comes home like at 4 am) when he works a day job. When he comes home, he won't talk to me. I tried giving him a kiss when he came home the other night and he turned his face away. I literally don't know what's going on. And yes, I could ask but he gets angry and defensive if I say anything, so I've been keeping quiet.

 

 

These signs point to him cheating.

[mc93]

These signs point to him cheating.

 

Okay, so I don't know if maybe I'm overanalyzing, so I thought I'd try to investigate. I called his sister, who's a close friend, and asked if she's seen her brother around at all lately. She said he's been at their parents house all week helping their mom out and spending time with the family. She said that last night he waited till she got off work to give her a ride home. She gets off at 11 so that would explain why he came home around midnight.

[NTV]

Okay, so I don't know if maybe I'm overanalyzing, so I thought I'd try to investigate. I called his sister, who's a close friend, and asked if she's seen her brother around at all lately. She said he's been at their parents house all week helping their mom out and spending time with the family. She said that last night he waited till she got off work to give her a ride home. She gets off at 11 so that would explain why he came home around midnight.

 

 

 

Or she's covering for him. It would be nice if that were the truth and you could take a deep breath. But him not kissing you to me is a big red flag... unless of course you had horrible breath lol.

[BettyDraper]

Okay, so I don't know if maybe I'm overanalyzing, so I thought I'd try to investigate. I called his sister, who's a close friend, and asked if she's seen her brother around at all lately. She said he's been at their parents house all week helping their mom out and spending time with the family. She said that last night he waited till she got off work to give her a ride home. She gets off at 11 so that would explain why he came home around midnight.

 

Despite the fact that you are close friends with your SIL, most siblings are not going to out each other for cheating.

 

I know you don't want to think that your husband is having an affair. No wife wants to consider the possibility of her husband cheating. However, there are many signs that your husband is unfaithful. Listen to your intuition.

[mc93]

Despite the fact that you are close friends with your SIL, most siblings are not going to out each other for cheating.

 

I know you don't want to think that your husband is having an affair. No wife wants to consider the possibility of her husband cheating. However, there are many signs that your husband is unfaithful. Listen to your intuition.

 

So now I feel like reaching out to her was a stupid idea because I'm assuming she told him. When I spoke to his sister we made plans to hang out just casual stuff not to snoop. Anyway, I get a text from him saying he doesn't want me hanging out with his family and a text from her saying she told him we were going to hang out tomorrow and that he freaked out and told her no. Much to my surprise, he was actually home for once. We haven't talked because he's taking a nap, but my anxiety is through the roof