A relationship that never even started!

[Ziggy54]

Just over two years ago I left an abusive relationship and have spent the time since concentrating on my children and going self employed and having counselling to empty my head and heart. It was stressful after finding the strength to leave and my ex is now well out of the picture and the kids are doing much better and we are all more balanced and happy.

I have always harboured feelings towards my Dads friend and it was always just fleeting when I saw him occasionally always with my parents about. When I knew he had split up with someone about two years ago it crossed my mind to approach him but I knew I wasn't ready for anything and so did nothing.

He quickly started seeing someone else and about a year ago suffered the horrendous loss of one of his kids who got in with a bad lot and died under 20 years old X

In recent months we started texting initiated by me - always me! It seemed to just hit me how attracted I was to him yet I knew he was unavailable and grieving. He still has an upcoming inquest regarding his kids death and so it's been awful for him.

His girlfriend has of course helped him through this though it's no secret that they have a volatile relationship. The texts were getting flirty and we spoke on the phone a few times - when he said he was going to leave her I told him how I felt. He said he wanted me too. He couldn't end it with her and claims he's always been rubbish at such things. He feels loyal to her because she was there for him and really everything has taken a back seat since the death of his child x We arranged to meet - my heart was pounding and I had the biggest butterflies. We spoke for a couple of hours about general stuff mutual interests he told me how he wasn't on the same wavelength as his girlfriend and that he really liked me and is attracted to me. I explained that I had let my guard down and fallen for him thinking we would explore things. He told me about his child and how he felt and that he doesn't know how he will feel from one day to the next and is drifting. She wants to live with him he doesn't want that. My self esteem feels like it's gone from a surging boost to a scary low! I am in no doubt that I'm in love with him though my phrase to him was more 'I have fallen for you'. We both said can't do an affair and I've higher morals than to do so yet he doesn't seem to grasp that meeting with me may be cheating in his girlfriends opinion. He is in an unhappy relationship that didn't have the full chance to develop because of the stress of his child and then the death. We shared a hug and the electricity is blatant and voiced. I think I am typing it out really so sorry if I am ranting x To be in love with someone and let your imagination run to being together is a wonderful thing and then to be told by him he cannot end it with his girlfriend is a painful thing. I know it isn't over but I love him too much to make it harder for him X