Help! My Marriage Is Failing Fast!

[inhighwater]

Please note that the names are changed for privacy. Sorry for such a long post! I needed to vent!

 

My husband, Harry and I have only been married for not even two months. He is involved in several things including being a volunteer firefighter and he works a full time factory job. I have been very supportive of everything that he does in all his jobs and activities. I have never put up a fuss till just lately about when he had to be at meetings with the fire department and go on small petty runs with the fire department that had nothing to do with helping someone that was in trouble. These runs were more like filling up peoples pools and etc.. Well, the other day my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's (brother and sister married my brother and sister) mother died. And I am the kind of person that believes in being with family in their time of need and supporting them and putting everything else on the back burner. I asked Harry the end of last week when my in-law's mother died if he wanted to go to the viewing with me because I knew he could not get off work from his factory job for the funeral. Harry says, "Oh, yes!". Come the day of the viewing I get a text message that says something like this, "Let me know what you want to do for supper. I have a fire meeting tonight. Give me a call a.s.a.p." I called him up and asked him if he was still going to the viewing with me. He said, "Yes, I want to go with you." He said, "I'm going to go to the fire meeting and before the meeting I am going to tell the Fire Chief that I will have to leave early if the meeting runs too long. And that still will give us enough time to be at the viewing at a decent time." (Let me remind you this is a Volunteer Fire Department. And on top of it all, he works at his factory job with the Fire Chief and they have lunch together.) I said, "That's o.k., but I am going to be leaving at "this time" so you need to be home before then or I am leaving." I knew I had to tell Harry a time, I know how he is. He would be standing up there talking and talking to the guys all night long. Harry was like, "Well if I don't get there on time just go ahead and go and I will be along soon after you." I even said, "Harry, if you don't want to go you don't have to." And Harry said, "NO, I want to go with you!" and I think I even repeated that same statement and I think Harry repeated his same statement back to me. Needless to say, Harry did not make it home on time so I left without him. I tried calling the fire department and his cell phone before I left the house. No answer on ethier one. I went by the fire department to see if I could see if the trucks where gone like they maybe had a fire run. Nope, all the trucks that I could see were sitting in the building except one that sits in the back part of the building where I couldn't see for sure if it was there or not. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt that they had a small fire run because I could not see for sure if that one truck was in the building. I get to the funeral home and about everyone of my family members stops me and asks me where Harry is. My brother-in-law was messed up emotional about his mom's death, my sister-in-law was doing so so, and my nephew was losing it just like his dad. I sit by my dad and were my dad was sitting I could see the door and the whole time NO Harry entered it. I had went passed the fire department and his car was not there on the way home. I got home and Harry was not home. I called his cell phone and he answered and I said, "Where are you?". Harry said, "At the park." And I hung up on him. I knew as soon as he said "the park", I was almost positive he was out there with the fire department for some reason but for what I did not know. Harry got home and I told him, "I'm not going to start yelling, I'm going to let you tell your side of your story then I'm going to tell you how I feel. And before he could start talking "Stupid me" butted in and ask him, "Did you have a fire run?". Harry said, "No!" Harry said that the meeting ran longer than usual and that he saw the time and knew he would not make it in time to meet me at the house to go with me and that he was out to the park with the fire department because that was part of their meeting. He said that they were planning a Summer Town Party for the town that that was why they went to the park cause that is where they will have it. The fire department has already had several meeting about this Town Party and they even stopped planning it at one time because no one seemed to be interested in it cause they would not show up at the meetings. They are wasting their breathe and time. Well, needless to say I got on Harry about getting his priorities straight. That if it would have been a fire run it would have been just fine to miss the viewing but for party planning it was not o.k.. Harry and I have been trying to have a baby and the other night I told him that from now on until he gets his priorities straight we are going back to using protection. I'm not going to have a kid that is always going around wondering where he/she's daddy is cause he is always hanging out with the guys cracking jokes at the fire department and planning parties. Now, our child will have to get use to him going on fire runs to save lives and homes. I told Harry that if things do not straighten up soon we are going to go get help to save our marriage cause this is not the first time he has been gone for several hours with the fire department where they are not doing anything of importance when he needs to be with his family and I hardly heard from him those several hours except one phone call that I can think of were he just called me to tell me that my sister called his cell phone and he didn't even tell me that he would be awhile before he got home or an other information.

 

What do I do? I feel like a mean wife! Sorry again for the long post!!!

[New_Wife]

Highwater, I think you should head off to marital counseling with the husband. These are communication/boundary issues that will come up over and over again (not just about fire dept) and it's best if you learn how to negotiate now - rather than after you've both gotten so frustrated that you're ready to do something drastic. Sometimes a trained third party can really help get to the base negotiations and lay a foundation for futre issues. It would be wonderful if we all had some innate sense of how to communicate successfully with our spouses, but the older I get, the more I realize that this stuff can be more complicated that I used to think.

 

Dang those Disney Fairytales anyway!

 

 

Good luck to you

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

How long have you been with your husband? Was none of this apparent before you got hitched? If you've only been married two months, and there are already signs of problems, please get these straightened out before having kids. You are right to go back to protection until he gets his priorities straight. What do u need LS for?

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by inhighwater

Harry was like, "Well if I don't get there on time just go ahead and go and I will be along soon after you."

 

I even said, "Harry, if you don't want to go you don't have to." And Harry said, "NO, I want to go with you!" and I think I even repeated that same statement and I think Harry repeated his same statement back to me.

 

Yup Yup Yup....*sigh* classic case of the new wife doesn't know how to talk to her man.

 

After you said, "Harry, if you don't want to go, you don't have to." and after he said, "No, I want to go with you." Did you say, "Ok, well, I'm going to be expecting you, so you'd better show up."

 

You told him that he didn't have to come if he didn't want to. He said he wanted to come. You said again that he didn't have to come if he didn't want to. He wanted to.

 

Then, he got with all his fire buddies, and got having fun, and then he thought, "hmm...this is way more fun than some wake I don't want to go to the viewing Well...my wife said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to...and I don't want to...so I guess I don't have to go!...hmm...so I guess that means that I WON'T go "

 

You'll soon learn that men are very simple creatures...they don't understand. You were trying to get him to tell you whether he was going to go or not...you told him he didn't have to. He said he wanted to. but since he changed his mind, AND he had your permission to not go...he didn't.

 

IN OTHER WORDS this is all your fault You told him he didn't have to go, so he didn't go. Then you got mad at him. Sorry, but you can't do that. You have to say EXACTLY what you mean, in one sentance or less. You didn't say what you meant. Therefore...live with it.

 

From now on, tell him precisely what you mean.

 

You: "Harry, you don't have to come if you don't want to."

Harry: "I want to come..."

You: "Ok, I'm going to be expecting you then, so you'd better be there."

 

See...dumb ol harry left you with the impression that he was going to show. So you probably told people that asked where he was, "He's in a meeting, but he'll be along later."

 

And then he didn't show, and you felt like some idiot who doesn't know where her own husband is

[Sal Paradise]

A few points........

 

1) Paragraphs are your friend. Its very hard to read something that long without any paragraph breaks.

 

2) You need to learn to communicate to your husband. Yes he should of showed up but you should of communicated you expected him to show up. When you said he didn't have to come he took it as not being that important. Guys are pretty literal when it comes to verbal communication with women. Learn to say exactly what you mean. Don't tell him one thing and expect another.

 

3) You should of known how he was before you married him.

 

4) Unless this is happening all the time you could be making a whole lot out of nothing. Stuff like this is going to happen over the course of a relationship. So unless this is happening all the time you need to realize you can't freak out and start thinking doom and gloom everytime something small comes up. If it's happening all the time then you two need to talk. Perhaps counselling would help. Counselling isn't just for couples who are considering divorce, in many ways it can be more effective if you do it before it gets to the point of no return. Do it while there is still a lot of love between you. It can make it a lot easier and you will both be more receptive to the others needs.

 

 

All of this sounds like communication problems on both sides. You're not completely innocent in this, nor is he. You're BOTH responsible.

 

Good luck.

[BG]

Listen, I know this is late but, I just found your post and it is amazing how differently I read it. I will say I am cynical and biased, but rightfully so....

 

My wife volunteered a year ago and I was very proud of her, I helped her study and watched her apply herself and eventually earn her state license as an EMT.

 

When I shared this news with my family, my mother (whom was in counseling at the time for depression) happened to mention this achievement to her therapist replied with "Oh now, Volunteer Fire Departments are a breeding ground for affairs". I was taken back when my mother said this, and then I proudly and confidently said "That would never happen to me". Sometime later, I heard the same comment from someone else.

 

I did not give these opinions a second thought, but I soon realized that I did not care for the stories my wife was bringing home about the volunteer fire department. This was before she was licensed and still a trainee, so she was only repeating what was said to her, but I still could not believe my ears...stories of certain firefighters having sex with "all" the girls who volunteer there in the fire truck and never anything serious like how many lives have been save or an amazing fire that they put out. Just stories of infidelity and sexual encounters inside the firehouse.

 

Her first week with her designated crew, two different volunteers made passes at her and they knew she was married, I had met each and every member of her crew and shook all their hands.

 

To make a long story short...My wife ended up cheating on me with one of the two that hit on her, and he already had a reputation for attracting the women who volunteer up there. This completely wrecked me for a good month, and I will never be the same today. I realize they were two grown adults who made the decision, but I find it completely UN ethical that the volunteers who engage in this activity don't go get rooms at a hotel when they are off duty. I found out allot of information before this affair ended and my wife and this guy first hooked up in the department in the female bunk room, whom she was the only female on the crew for a few months. That fact is where I am pissed at the department for, her and his decision yes, but what if my wife was a wacko in another way and came back and cried rape? Do you how bad that publicity would be and the potential lawsuits?

 

From an ethical standpoint, what would happen if an alarm went off and you have these horny volunteers shacking up in the firehouse and having to take the time to get dressed and then put on there gear? Lives could be at stake....shame on them!

 

Obviously I am burnt, and I don't want to cast judgment on your husband but, I would keep a close eye or get more involved with him at the firehouse. It is very common for husbands and wives to share meals together while the spouse who is volunteering is on duty. I only wish I had made more of a presence at the station and maybe this would not have happened, but then again that is pure denial is'nt it?

 

Good Luck.