balanceisbetter Posted May 14, 2016 Share Posted May 14, 2016 I am new here, and honestly just need to express myself as I'm going crazy inside it seems.... A little bit of context - I broke up with my best friend 2.5 weeks ago, after being in a tight, trusting and very loving relationship of nearly 14.5 years. Leading up to the breakup, I fully was confident I was making the right decision. Now that it's done, family knows, and we are looking for new places to live, I honestly can't stop crying....I know....I'm really confused all of a sudden. We met when we were in our early twenties, and gave ourselves to each other fully, completely, without condition. She moved into my place a month after we met, and fell in love. If there was ever a case of love at first site, well....this was it. I fell in love with her almost immediately. A beautiful, vibrant, intelligent and exciting person. Wow - did I ever feel blessed that this person came across my path. We developed a real friendship together, supported each other through almost everything - worked together, she supported my career, and everything was incredible....except one thing....our sex life. We had an awful sex life - I've been plagued with premature ejaculation for years. Although there were times where it got considerably better, and we had great sex, if we ever went through a lull...it came right back, and I was at square one. This created a deep wedge in our relationship, she was deeply unsatisfied sexually (rightfully so), to the point where 5 years ago she asked me if she could go outside the relationship for sexual release, and this would also allow her the patience and the strength to work on our own relationship. I very reluctantly (regretfully) agreed. Beginning of the end. I made a HUGE mistake putting myself in this position - I see it now, and I was also wrong to tell her I was ok with it. It reached a point that we didn't have sex for nearly 5 years after this started. She at one point said she lost desire in me...and she hoped it would come back. I stayed....I loved this person (and still do by the way), but we kept growing more apart. Up until 2014 when I was relocated half way across the country for work....then...although we had agreed to end the "open relationship" she cheated on me during my absence (she had stayed behind as I was relocated to finalize the move). When I found out 8 months later I was heartbroken, and my trust destroyed....although I asked for us to separate, she asked that we try, and work through it....I tried, but 9 months after saying I would try to forgive, I realized I hadn't, and nearly 3 weeks ago....I broke it off for good. However.....now that she has left for a couple of weeks to see family back home, I miss her. But my head tells me and assures me I made 100% the right call, my heart tells me otherwise. This person was my everything...for nearly 15 years she was my everything. I NEVER expected to leave her...never....but my trust and my heart is broken by everything that has happened. For the 3 years she carried on a relationship (pseudo-open relationship), waiting for her to come back to me and desire me again, to the cheating that happened and she tried to cover up.... I'm just so heartbroken that now this is over. Nearly 15 years with someone over, and I am so struggling with the fact that I love this person, but know that we're not right for each other. I'm sorry to gush, and to vent....any person who can give me some perspective I'd appreciate. I have no one really to talk to that's ever lived what I am living... Link to post Share on other sites
ChocolateRain Posted May 14, 2016 Share Posted May 14, 2016 this is kind of a sad story ... so sorry but i guess you dug yourself quite a deep hole there, when you agreed to this deal . Not all ppl are so strong to live with that . Then again ... you sacrificed for her ... i can't really give advice ... but what have you tried to fix that '' problem '' in your sex life ? 15 years is a long time , what can i say ... i'd say take time to really think about the pro's and con's ...sometimes love conquers all but sometimes it may be better to let go ... my best to you Link to post Share on other sites
Author balanceisbetter Posted May 14, 2016 Author Share Posted May 14, 2016 this is kind of a sad story ... so sorry but i guess you dug yourself quite a deep hole there, when you agreed to this deal . Not all ppl are so strong to live with that . Then again ... you sacrificed for her ... i can't really give advice ... but what have you tried to fix that '' problem '' in your sex life ? 15 years is a long time , what can i say ... i'd say take time to really think about the pro's and con's ...sometimes love conquers all but sometimes it may be better to let go ... my best to you ' Totally legit question to ask as to what have I done: Actually during the first 6 months of the "open relationship" I saw a therapist, re-read books that I had read prior, did "self practice", and just tried to do everything to get the passion going - maybe it was too much. I can say that many, many times in the past I made efforts to fix this issue. Kegel exercises, reading and practicing concepts from Multi Orgasmic Man, plus trying some supps to fix the issue, and probably spending nearly 500$ on e-books to fix the issue. I just honestly never felt support from her when I asked her to "help me practice". One thing that really I have a hard time forgiving is that the whole reason I agreed to the open couple was so we could finally work on this issue, only to have her tell me 4 months later that she no longer desired me. I felt betrayed. Honestly, I should have left then, but in other ways my life was a mess, and consequently stayed at that time. A little bit of other context as well. I never had a GF in High School. I lived in a really small town, and from a poor family. I had great friends, and actually was in the "cool group" in HS, but never had a GF...so, I didn't get to experience any kissing, or fondling, or whatnot before going to University, and having sex for the first time. Anyways, those are just reasons....but I know I have a problem, just need to hopefully fix it at some point. I'm 38 though, and being out there with a sexual hangup at this age sucks. In the end though, we are splitting very amicably. We are both in the same apartment, and we've been very caring and loving through the split. Again, I truly believe it's for the best, but my God, my gut is wrenching and tears are hard to hold back when I think of all we've been together and moved past. It's just really sad is all.... Link to post Share on other sites
seamos Posted May 14, 2016 Share Posted May 14, 2016 It's commendable that you're staying strong knowing that it's for the best. I know how easy it is to just cave-in to emotion and try to get back together. I'm sorry you're going thru this and wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author balanceisbetter Posted May 14, 2016 Author Share Posted May 14, 2016 It's commendable that you're staying strong knowing that it's for the best. I know how easy it is to just cave-in to emotion and try to get back together. I'm sorry you're going thru this and wish you the best. Thank you for the kind words. I'm sure there are much worse things to go through in life, but this is a tough one thus far. Link to post Share on other sites
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