Guy best friend and I like each other but he's not ready for a relationship

[andy.94]

I've gotten really close really fast to a guy I just met and we now consider ourselves best friends but it's really hard for me to just treat him as a friend or "best friend" and I don't know what to do.

 

I'm an engineering student and one of the few women in my classes, hence I am always surrounded by guys. Some of them have tried to hit on me but I've never been interested in them as more than friends so I've always made sure to make that clear to them as well. Even within the group of guys I study with 2 of them tried to make a move with me but I never reciprocated because I wasn't interested.

This past semester a new guy joined our study group and I saw him as just another guy in class. ( Little background on me, I've always been an introvert so it takes a lot of time for me to open up to people men and women and have considered myself a but socially awkward so I try not to embarrass myself and only talk to people if they approach me first. ) So I didn't actually speak to this new guy until I found myself my group of friends to a club on campus and invited him because there.

After the club meeting he asked where I was parked because they were all heading to their cars and I told him I got public transportation and though it was late in the evening I've always preferred to ride the bus than have the guys I study with give me rides. The next day the group studied together and when leaving the new guy offered to give me a ride home and I accepted because it was very late. The next day we all stayed late again and I asked him for a favor, if he could give me a ride, and he told me "of course, I was going to ask if you wanted me to take you." After that he and I would stay to study even without the group and he'd take me home. It went on for 2 weeks. ALSO, he lives 20 minutes north from campus and I live 20 minutes south so I thought it was weird for him to be taking me home but I didn't question it. After some time we both would just arrange times to study on campus or he'd pick me up and we'd go to campus.

Long story short, we were always together and our study group noticed how close we were and some of them would tell us to start dating and even though I wanted that to happen I knew it wasn't the time because we had just met. After some time though I realized myself actually start liking him.

 

One day we went out to eat with our friends and he and I were in his car and I was touching his arm hairs because I like to do that as well as his beard but when I was going to touch his beard he told me not to because our friends would be able to see us and I asked why that was bad and he said it wasn't but he just didn't want them to get jealous. After eating we headed back to campus and one thing led to another and we talked about us being in a relationship. He told me he's not ready for one because of past relationships that made him want to actually get to know a woman rather than just going for the looks. He also told me he wasn't ready mentally or emotionally due to things he lived in his country in the middle east and a physical condition he is going though. He opened up 100% to me and said to me he's never shared those things to anyone before and that that was the first time he felt so close to someone and wanted to share everything so I knew. He also said that because of this he doesn't want to start a relationship with someone because he doesn't want to start something he's not emotionally prepared for.

Our talk about this took a few day's because we don't have a lot of time and we had to spread it in 3 days. The day we first spoke about this I think we were both very vague on our feelings towards each other so I told him that day that I liked him and he told me did too and complimented me for a few minutes saying he's never met a girl like me, so modest, smart, hardworkig, etc. etc. and ended with saying that I was his ideal girl and if he could take back his past relationships and hook ups and do it all over again I'd be the girl he'd do it all with. On the last day we spoke about this I told him that in a way he was kind of leading me on by letting me get really touchy with him, he said that he never reciprocated so that I wouldn't get another idea of us but I told him he could've just stopped me but he said he has no problem with me touching him but that he didn't want to give me false hope on a relationship any time soon. He said that as he'd told me, at the moment he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he first wanted to fix himself personally so that he could offer something good to me.

He told me it was up to me whether I wanted to continue treating him as I had or if I wanted to treat him like the rest of the guys. He ended by saying "I just want to get to know you more and be good (stable in all areas) for you too so that we can actually start something, who knows maybe we'll date and maybe even get married."

It was hard for me to make a decision on how I should treat him because it had become second nature for me to just hug him or touch his beard or his arm hair so I decided to leave early and think about what I should do. I decided it was best for me to stop being so touchy with him and to let him be the one to look for me.

After time we again I started getting touchy again and wondering where things were going because he was much more attentive and so I decided to talk about us again. I told him my feelings were growing and I wanted to know what he thought. He told me his feeling for me were growing too but he doesn't think we are both ready for a relationship and everything that comes with. He told me that for him a relationship needs dedicating time to his gf and he doesn't have that time because of school and work. He said he wants to be able to spoil me with his time and he can't offer that to me and that maybe once we both have more free time he'd be ready. That still didn't settle my mind but I didn't know what more I could say.

I recently got my first car and he went with my family and I to get it and my parents loved him. On this day he and I were in my car and I saw him closing some tabs on his phone and on one there was a picture of a girl. He doesn't have any type of social media so I thought it was weird and got a knot in my throat and very serious. He noticed something was wrong with me and asked and I didn't want to but I ended up telling him and he said "I have pictures in here of many years ago so there's a lot of pictures" I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything at all. Lately I had also been very emotional and I guess he was getting tired of it and told me I needed to stop because it would get awkward and he'd rather I be honest and tell him what was wrong than me just sit there quietly.

After that I decided to apologize because he'd been dealing with my emotions and one thing led to another and he said that that's why he didn't want to be in a relationship just yet because of the drama that comes with it and he likes being single.

The next day our conversation was still stuck in my head and I thought it'd be better if I wrote a letter to him explaining exactly how I felt. I also told him we act as a couple but we aren't actually. When he read it he was more understanding but didn't know why I said we acted as a couple. I think we act like one not because of sex because the closest we've been to each other is when giving hugs. But i meant it in the emotional aspect of things, we are veryyyy close, we share things with each other that we wouldn't with anyone else. He once told me "we are sooo good together, I don't want us starting a relationship prematurely to ruin what we have." He said he did like being single because he's able to talk to say hi to girls without me getting jealous for that tiny thing.

He told me he thinks I think he doesn't want me but he said if it was that I could just go look for a girl and easily get one but I don't because I am not ready for that and don't want to just hook up with a random. He told me that he's chosen not to have a sexual relationship with me because he respects me so much.

 

I told him that I thought I should have some space from him because what I wanted wasn't something he wanted. He told me if that was what was healthy for me then I should and if I wanted to do it then I should. BUT I said that wasn't what I wanted, why would I want to get away from the only person I have every felt this connection with. In the end I decided to continue speaking with him but I am at the point where I don't know if I should continue speaking with him.

 

With all our differences we have so much we connect and in so many levels that I truly believe he is the one person I want in my life for a very long time but it hurts to know that I can't kiss him or show more gestures towards him. He also told me he doesn't like pictures and asks me not to have ours on social media but I recently saw him take a pouty picture of himself and it's only made me wonder if there is a woma(e)n out there he talks to. I am the person he spends the most time so I know there isn't someone from school but from a person I know I do know guys will only speak to women online for some weird reason even though they're never going to meet them. He is Persian but not the typical one and I've heard these men are more selective but I don't know what I should do and an outside perspective would be helpful.

[preraph]

You mention he's Middle Eastern. Don't they usually have arranged marriages? You didn't mention if you are also Middle Eastern. But if not, then probably his parents might not approve or he may get an arranged marriage. Or he may require a virgin (not saying you aren't) You should ask him.

 

I will say that he has told you repeatedly, though, that he doesn't want a relationship, so here you are wasting all this time with someone who doesn't want you for whatever reason when you yourself say you are surrounded by other guys. You're nuts if you don't just start dating other guys, IMO.

[andy.94]

What would be the best thing to do regarding our friendship?