Women supporting women?

[Red123]

I do not in any way mean this to be cruel--just trying to open the mind--but when I read in infidelity forums (I read a few) the absolute most common reaction to dday is . . . the pick me dance, hysterical bonding, and offers of reconciliation! If men are going to be forgiven for cheating, then why wouldn't they? If they are always seeing platonic relationships as romantic possibilities and they are going to be forgiven for any and all indiscretions, then why wouldn't they spend a large portion of their adult energy pursuing OW? And if women are going to be surrounded by charismatic men who put a huge amount of energy into impressing them and winning their attention, how can all of those gazillions of women never fall for any of it, no matter how true the info seems, how attractive the guy is, how much chemistry they have, how well they get along, or how she is feeling herself?

 

Really, the problem is SO big--always has been--that all women will have to decide cheating is a deal breaker (BW or OW) or the problem will never, ever go away. More pain, more women, and so on and so on.

 

I can't help it, that's the way it looks to me.

 

No disrespect either but have you been on the BS side of the equation? If not then you are just speculating what is going on behind closed doors. Very few BS on this forum and the ones I know in RL did a pick me dance as you put it. In our case the MOW did the pick me dance and I originally left the relationship. This theory you offer shows the BS offering up the world, desperately trying to get the WS back, and is this the reason they stay? If the WS loves the AP and doesn't want the marriage couldn't they just leave if the BS is the only one putting in effort? Also the WS putting a large portion of their adult energy into the AP is also situational, maybe a very long term A but the 3 months of my H being in an A compared to our 20 years is a big difference. Sorry I definitely disagree.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think the problem with your open your mind idea is that I honestly do not believe that there are all these men who are out to bed every woman that they see.

 

Are there serial cheaters who use women to feed their ego.....absolutely.

Are there those that have cheated that had 1 1/2 feet out the door already...absolutely.

 

The vast majority of men who have cheated found themselves there due to not maintaining healthy boundaries. It is usually a friendship, that crossed lines. How often have we read about the OW "helping" the MM out with his life? Becoming the sympathize ear, offering advice, counsel....etc. That advice starts to become slanted....not out right intentionally....but it does...ultimately...the advice is to leave your wife and be with me. There is a reason why Therapists exist....they are trained to remove self, maintain boundaries....and most importantly...let the client guide the direction.

 

It isn't only the WH that is out to impress and giving energy for an affair to happen. The OW was right there doing the same thing.

 

The popular opinion regarding R, is that it is to earned...not handed out like candy.

 

For those that have worn OW/WW/OM/MM hat badge not all or even most ever put that back on. Why? Because for most, they learned...about affairs, themselves, others and boundaries.

 

For myself, I am an adult. I take responsibility for my choices...they are mine. If I make poor decisions due to my lack of due diligence or lack of knowledge or understanding or just plain 'cause I felt like it....all the consequences are mine. That's what being an adult means...face forward, accept responsibility, make amends...etc. But maybe I have too much pride....or think too highly of myself...maybe I am wrong in my belief that a woman can own her own strength of character/values...that a woman is indeed an individual and not just a full grown girl.

[xxoo]

I do not in any way mean this to be cruel--just trying to open the mind--but when I read in infidelity forums (I read a few) the absolute most common reaction to dday is . . . the pick me dance, hysterical bonding, and offers of reconciliation! If men are going to be forgiven for cheating, then why wouldn't they? .

 

Character? Love?

 

A BS may feel stuck with the cheater and want the third party gone so they can attempt to salvage the marriage. I fail to see what an AP sees in someone displaying such poor character. If the behavior were a turn off instead of a turn on, that would help. Drives me crazy to see two women competing over a cheater :/

[Lady Hamilton]

I guess I'm still not getting the motive here...

 

I keep seeing "Women, bond together so men have no way to cheat!" And now a "BS and OW, don't take him back, because if you do, then they will cheat because they know will be forgiven!"

 

As annoying and unrealistic as "women unite and don't let men cheat! #girlpower" mantra is, I can least see the point of it... But to call on wives to chuck marriages so they can teach their husband a lesson while simultaneously warning other men that if they cheat then this could be them... Yeah... No.

 

Nobody should be deciding to stay in or throw away marriages depending on how it appears to social justice warriors. Honestly, it's none of their business what you do in your marriage on a good day, much less a bad one.

 

I just keep getting whiffs that this isn't a call for women to band together, but an all out railing in men for being uncontrollable dogs bent on copious amounts of sex. That's just not reality. Most men don't act like frat boys, affairs aren't all thier faults, and no gender should disguise gender-bashing under the banner of uniting.

 

I think the far simpler solution here is to work on your marriage and your conduct as opposed to rallying together one sex to police morality on the other.

 

Considering you were an OW and now you're looking down your nose at other OW, is it maybe possible your newfound moral superiority comes from a place besides "rah rah, lady power"? Because I'm having a hard time following the logic where one looks down their nose at people who had affairs while simultaneously patting themselves on the back for their own exemplary, selfless, and gracious affair conduct.

 

You refer to the dumb women you pity when it sounds like 5 years ago, you yourself were one of those dumb women... The big difference being that at some point when you realized he wasn't leaving that you ended it out of sudden loyalty and devotion to his wife... Which, I'm sorry, but I'd buy a table with no legs before I bought that story.

Edited May 18, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[minimariah]

Really, the problem is SO big--always has been--that all women will have to decide cheating is a deal breaker (BW or OW) or the problem will never, ever go away. More pain, more women, and so on and so on.

 

eh. adultery is a very complex & complicated phenomenon - men (& women) aren't pets you can train. meaning, men won't stop cheating just because they'll experience extreme punishment.

 

knowing your weaknesses, working on your communication and trust, communicating about the state of your relationship and marriage, verbalizing and meeting each other's needs, being intimate & safe with each other... THAT might stop folks from having As. being more authentic, encouraging folks to work on their maturity & to recognize their faults. encourage therapy as a way to get to know yourself better. educating folks about abuse and abusive relationship and leaving those relationship on time. ALSO - encouraging equal parenthood post divorce because that's a huge reason why folks stay in their marriages; they cheat as a form to survive in it. stuff like that. you gotta "treat" a cheater and correct their coping mechanisms. relying on BSs and OWs to do the job? that's a very shaky ground to build anything strong & real when it comes to society and moral.

[anika99]

I do not in any way mean this to be cruel--just trying to open the mind--but when I read in infidelity forums (I read a few) the absolute most common reaction to dday is . . . the pick me dance, hysterical bonding, and offers of reconciliation! If men are going to be forgiven for cheating, then why wouldn't they? If they are always seeing platonic relationships as romantic possibilities and they are going to be forgiven for any and all indiscretions, then why wouldn't they spend a large portion of their adult energy pursuing OW? And if women are going to be surrounded by charismatic men who put a huge amount of energy into impressing them and winning their attention, how can all of those gazillions of women never fall for any of it, no matter how true the info seems, how attractive the guy is, how much chemistry they have, how well they get along, or how she is feeling herself?

 

Really, the problem is SO big--always has been--that all women will have to decide cheating is a deal breaker (BW or OW) or the problem will never, ever go away. More pain, more women, and so on and so on.

 

I can't help it, that's the way it looks to me.

 

I really can't figure out what you are trying to say. You say women should support women but then you keep ranting about BS who reconcile with their husbands AFTER an affair and in this post it's like you are blaming the BWS for their husbands affairs and for the OW's choice to get into the affair, saying how can all these women never fall for these handsome charismatic married men who only cheat because their wives let them.

 

I don't think you believe in women supporting women at all, I think you are angry at BWs who stay with their husbands after DDay and who hold the OW responsible for her part of the affair. Again if you believed in women supporting women you wouldn't have participated in the affair.

[NTV]

Wow you ladies are still arguing when it's clear that the only way to truly unite the female gender is behind a picture of me?

[Cymbeline]

Life is competitive. finding the 'best' mate you can is a competitive activity. While there is a market in operation and a perceived opportunity to trade up or discard that which is no longer doing the job, there will always be infidelity.

 

It is acknowledged too that women are and have always been gatekeepers of sexual activity. The interplay between biology and social and economic factors are not at all clear but each plays its part.

 

Women (and humanity) is generally cooperative because that is the best way to ensure we thrive. On an individual level, if we see a potential mate who is an improvement in some way on what we already have, we may take a risk to get it.

 

It's possible to act in a more consciously mindful and ethical way, but not everyone wants to.

[gemini6]

The "pick me dance"?? Are you serious? Maybe that is what the BS in your sitch did but I can assure you that many BS's did no such thing - even when their WS tried and tried to get back in the "bed"..nah, go get your new girl

 

I might of texted her once or twice and told her to "keep her boyfriend out of my bed" and "why is he still here crying? I thought you guys would have long been off into the sunset by now"?

 

I'm pretty sure I offered to trade her H's...her H was about 20 years younger than mine and waaaayyy sexy - I believe the plan was to take him on a vaca to the bahama's - and let my H pay for it all of course! I mean really honey, if you want my tired late 40's H ( that's going through a mid-life meltdown) with his low T, depression, and other "issues" - well, have at it - I'll take your young,(20 something) hot and sexy, ab- ripped H out and show him a fabulous time - maybe even a few pointers!

So, the "pick me dance"? Nah!! He was told to "go choke on the greener grass" and she was told she could "have that *****".

I actually left our divorce pending in court for 5 years.(I filed for divorce 10 days after I found about her).and my lawyer is STILL on retainer! So yeah..no pick me dance going on here. She got divorced, she is free and single, he can have her anytime he wants to...guess he doesn't want her - go figure!

Edited May 18, 2016 by gemini6

[Got it]

Again and still, I don't normally participate in these types of discussions because I have never been the OW or the BW, so therefore, I have no personal, first-hand experience from which to speak.

 

But from the threads I've read here on LS the BW (or BH) who chooses to work on their marriage with the WS does so because the price is too high NOT to. There is a shared history, shared successes, shared failures...children, family, traditions, and yes possessions. It is so much more than stolen moments, sans responsibility/responsibilities (which they once did share, before life and kids arrived).

 

I have not heard of too many BS who choose to stay saying [words to the effect of] "Oh, it's OK if they cheat...I'll forgive 'em and forgive 'em and forgive 'em"; it's always a one-shot deal: we tripped up, one of us failed, together we will pick ourselves - and each other - up, and move on together, from here...with both of us doing the hard work necessary to get this back on track.

 

 

I don't mean to be cruel here, but that's something the OW/OM can't offer nor provide...nor ever understand, because to be the "Other Woman"/"Other Man",

 

 

marriage and what it really means, just wasn't all that important to the "Other One".

 

The OP can't offer what? The history? History can be a double edged sword. To be honest, every "perk" can be seen a negative depending on the facts/events.

 

And there are many who just move on from the affair. They don't actually reconcile but just move on with time and rug sweep it. I think it is vary too optimistic to think that most who stay together do so because they are both working hard on reconciliation. It just doesn't tend to show that type of work.

[NTV]

The OP can't offer what? The history? History can be a double edged sword. To be honest, every "perk" can be seen a negative depending on the facts/events.

 

 

 

No, history is only one piece of it, and it's irrelevant after dday. No, the betrayed offer for R is an offer for family, forgiveness, an opportunity to make amends, and chances to see outside themselves, and many other things... for those waywards who were on the way out and hadn't yet fully committed to D before cheating, all the reasons that held them back are still there (except trust).

 

 

If you can see your own children as a negative depending on the facts/events, then there is a problem you need to solve.

[wmacbride]

The OP can't offer what? The history? History can be a double edged sword. To be honest, every "perk" can be seen a negative depending on the facts/events.

 

And there are many who just move on from the affair. They don't actually reconcile but just move on with time and rug sweep it. I think it is vary too optimistic to think that most who stay together do so because they are both working hard on reconciliation. It just doesn't tend to show that type of work.

 

For many couples, the "work" isn't something that can be seen by someone on the outside looking in. Often, it's a slow and gradual process, made up by hundreds of small acts, over an extended period of time. The larger acts do matter, but it's often all those little ones that make the biggest difference.

[Got it]

No, history is only one piece of it, and it's irrelevant after dday. No, the betrayed offer for R is an offer for family, forgiveness, an opportunity to make amends, and chances to see outside themselves, and many other things... for those waywards who were on the way out and hadn't yet fully committed to D before cheating, all the reasons that held them back are still there (except trust).

 

 

If you can see your own children as a negative depending on the facts/events, then there is a problem you need to solve.

 

Yes that is exactly what I am saying. Seeing one's kids as a mistake. Absolutely. Kudos.

[Got it]

For many couples, the "work" isn't something that can be seen by someone on the outside looking in. Often, it's a slow and gradual process, made up by hundreds of small acts, over an extended period of time. The larger acts do matter, but it's often all those little ones that make the biggest difference.

 

OP - you have said you have no experience with affairs from any side right? So how on earth are you surmising the above? Does that happen with some? Absolutely. But all you have to do is toddle over to the Infidelity section to see that true reconcilation rarely happens. It has been a topic of discussion multiple times over the years I have been on LS let alone reading/experiencing anywhere else.

 

It is far too optimistic and naive to think that most WS actually put in the hard work. It doesn't happen. A BS may be able to accept less, may make the move to leave, etc but it is far more in the minority to see a WS step up and move heaven and earth to correct the wrongs and work on rebuilding for the future.

 

My parents didn't, just rug swept and kept my mom's affair hidden, my husband and his ex wife rug swept hers, etc.

 

Rug sweeping is far more come.Google for more information.

 

http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/frequently-asked-questions-about-infidelity

Reports have said that 60-75% of couples who have experienced a betrayal stay together. However, this does not mean that these couples can heal their relationships and regain trust and commitment to each other. In such cases, many couples stay together after one or more infidelities not because they're happy together but because they're afraid of the alternative. They're afraid of being single, the impact of divorce on their kids, the financial implications, etc.

 

http://www.divorcestatistics.info/latest-infidelity-statistics-of-usa.html

Statistics on Infidelity Rate and More:

Surveys show that 22% of married men have committed an adulterous act at least once in their life

14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives

It is in the younger generation where these values are considerably higher and the numbers of both sexes are closer together

The percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker is 36%

The percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips is 36%

The percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law is 17%

30% of the married women knew of their spouse’s infidelity, while for married men the number is higher and it stands at 46%

90% of American believes it is morally wrong to commit an adulterous act only 61% would like to see it punished as any other crime

In the United States, 17% of all the divorces that occur are due to adultery on the part of either or both the parties

While a large number of divorces are caused by extramarital affairs most of them do not end in remarriage between the parties involved in the affair

36% of the people admit to having an affair with a co-worker, with whom the usually spend more time than their spouses

36 % percentage of people admits to having had an affair on a business trip

Statistics say that nearly 85% of the women are right when they think their partner is cheating on them while for men it is around 50%

2% to 3% of all children are due to infidelity and shockingly most of these children are unknowingly raised by men who are not their biological fathers

70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses’ extramarital activity

Men are more likely than women to have a sexual affair, regardless of whether or not they are in a married or unmarried relationship

Note: Due to the secretive nature of infidelity, it is impossible to find the exact figures about cheating and extra-marital affairs. In many cases, infidelity never gets discovered.

Edited May 18, 2016 by Got it

[Lady Hamilton]

Life is competitive. finding the 'best' mate you can is a competitive activity. While there is a market in operation and a perceived opportunity to trade up or discard that which is no longer doing the job, there will always be infidelity.

 

I think you're speaking in overly broad generalizations while applying gender-based stereotypes that tend to slant anti-man. Seriously, if we lived "Game of Thrones" existences, you may have a point, but men aren't buyers in a market where the commodity is women.

 

It is acknowledged too that women are and have always been gatekeepers of sexual activity. The interplay between biology and social and economic factors are not at all clear but each plays its part.

 

Honestly, I think this is more than a little offensive, and I'm not even a man. Men do not blindly and uncontrollably want sex and women aren't the ones who meter it out. That makes it sound like men are sex-driven and women use sex as a controlling, manipulative tool to extract desirable behavior from men.

 

Women (and humanity) is generally cooperative because that is the best way to ensure we thrive.

 

But you said like 5 sentences ago that we are competitive...

 

On an individual level, if we see a potential mate who is an improvement in some way on what we already have, we may take a risk to get it.

 

So now we are competitive again?

 

It's possible to act in a more consciously mindful and ethical way, but not everyone wants to.

 

Or perhaps, more realistically, what is mindful and ethical in socially constructed parameters is flexible and highly individualistic...

[Lady Hamilton]

Yes that is exactly what I am saying. Seeing one's kids as a mistake. Absolutely. Kudos.

 

But you can still put kids in the "negatives" too without it being anything more than an observation of a situation. You can love and adore your kids, but still find aspects of having them to be a negative influence on a relationship.

 

Like, I love my kids, but I'd be the first to say that they can have negative influences on all sorts of issues. They really do change the whole relationship.

 

Heck, we have front row seats to relationship disaster where a woman we know "accidentally" got pregnant by a guy that was only using her as a booty call when she wanted him to be something more. In one week, he went from saying "let's just hang out sometimes" to pregnant, to moving in and becoming part time insta-stepdad to her two kids he'd barely seen, to "shotgun engaged" at the pressure of his and her families. Less than a week after that she quit her job because she was "too sick" to work and it would be "too hard" to juggle with three kids. Now here he is, part time employed himself and supporting her and the kids on just his income and her child support, fully aware of what just happened to him and seeing exactly what his next 18 years will look like.

 

I'm betting he could put one or two things in the negative pile for kids.

 

It may not even be the kids themselves but how the adults act because of the kids (as in, "my wife is so focused on the kids and refuses to change or lessen that focus.").

[dubliner]

 

 

 

Honestly, I think this is more than a little offensive, and I'm not even a man. Men do not blindly and uncontrollably want sex and women aren't the ones who meter it out. That makes it sound like men are sex-driven and women use sex as a controlling, manipulative tool to extract desirable behavior from men...

 

Unfortunately I know many women who do just this, whether it be their spouse or sexual partner. An awful lot of women use sex -withholding or giving- as a way to 'manipulate' men and it's not even exclusively women, sex sells, women being used as sexual objects to promote products and services can be seen whenever you turn on the TV or open a magazine.

[WasOtherWoman]

. Less than a week after that she quit her job because she was "too sick" to work and it would be "too hard" to juggle with three kids. Now here he is, part time employed himself and supporting her and the kids on just his income and her child support, fully aware of what just happened to him and seeing exactly what his next 18 years will look like.

 

 

Oh man.. this guy is screwed....

[Girlfromcali]

Oh man.. this guy is screwed....

 

Lol...yes he is..

 

She had it all planned out!

[ladydesigner]

I think you're speaking in overly broad generalizations while applying gender-based stereotypes that tend to slant anti-man. Seriously, if we lived "Game of Thrones" existences, you may have a point, but men aren't buyers in a market where the commodity is women.

 

 

 

Honestly, I think this is more than a little offensive, and I'm not even a man. Men do not blindly and uncontrollably want sex and women aren't the ones who meter it out. That makes it sound like men are sex-driven and women use sex as a controlling, manipulative tool to extract desirable behavior from men.

 

 

 

But you said like 5 sentences ago that we are competitive...

 

 

 

So now we are competitive again?

 

 

 

Or perhaps, more realistically, what is mindful and ethical in socially constructed parameters is flexible and highly individualistic...

 

Unfortunately here in the US men are the creators of the commodity that is women and absolutely sex sells.

[ladydesigner]

Unfortunately I know many women who do just this, whether it be their spouse or sexual partner. An awful lot of women use sex -withholding or giving- as a way to 'manipulate' men and it's not even exclusively women, sex sells, women being used as sexual objects to promote products and services can be seen whenever you turn on the TV or open a magazine.

 

Oh I think this is the worst way to start a M. Anyone who has a shotgun wedding is taking a HUGE risk!

 

 

 

Originally Posted by Lady Hamilton View Post

 

 

 

Honestly, I think this is more than a little offensive, and I'm not even a man. Men do not blindly and uncontrollably want sex and women aren't the ones who meter it out. That makes it sound like men are sex-driven and women use sex as a controlling, manipulative tool to extract desirable behavior from men...

 

I can understand why she said women are the facilitators because we have an opening and we allow penetration otherwise would be considered rape. Of course when sex is consensual it takes both to want it to happen, but the woman allows entry.

[NTV]

But you can still put kids in the "negatives" too without it being anything more than an observation of a situation. You can love and adore your kids, but still find aspects of having them to be a negative influence on a relationship.

 

Like, I love my kids, but I'd be the first to say that they can have negative influences on all sorts of issues. They really do change the whole relationship.

 

Heck, we have front row seats to relationship disaster where a woman we know "accidentally" got pregnant by a guy that was only using her as a booty call when she wanted him to be something more. In one week, he went from saying "let's just hang out sometimes" to pregnant, to moving in and becoming part time insta-stepdad to her two kids he'd barely seen, to "shotgun engaged" at the pressure of his and her families. Less than a week after that she quit her job because she was "too sick" to work and it would be "too hard" to juggle with three kids. Now here he is, part time employed himself and supporting her and the kids on just his income and her child support, fully aware of what just happened to him and seeing exactly what his next 18 years will look like.

 

I'm betting he could put one or two things in the negative pile for kids.

 

It may not even be the kids themselves but how the adults act because of the kids (as in, "my wife is so focused on the kids and refuses to change or lessen that focus.").

 

 

 

Yes that is exactly what I am saying. Seeing one's kids as a mistake. Absolutely. Kudos.

 

 

 

 

 

Right, but once you realize that you see your children as a negative, why doesn't that trigger some sort of '****, I need to go get some counseling' response?

 

 

Got it, I scored you a 5.8 on sarcasm and would like you to better next time. Can you help? lol

 

 

 

 

Lady Hamilton, that guy's situation sucks. But he did fall into an obvious trap. She has this plan, but it sounds like the same plan she had for her first two, so I hope that if this plan fails she moves to a new model of finding a way to support herself besides having children.

 

 

That whole situation is a really good supporting example behind when you said:

 

Men do not blindly and uncontrollably want sex and women aren't the ones who meter it out. That makes it sound like men are sex-driven and women use sex as a controlling, manipulative tool to extract desirable behavior from men.

 

 

 

Because it's true that some men (and women) do blindly and uncontrollably want sex. And those men are usually the ones that end up in a trap like this one.

 

 

I don't even think it's a lot of men who are 'dogs'/'pigs' etc. I just think that the ones that are make interesting gossip and are very visible so it's easy to assume they represent the majority.

 

 

Just like we can't assume that the majority of women look at men like they are wallets with legs. But some do. And the warning gets passed around to all guys to be wary---so we look for it when we meet women. 'Is her goal to be with me, or am I a stepping stone to my bank account?'

 

 

The honest truth is that both men AND women like sex. And money. But for some, that's the alter they pray at. And if you worship either, you aren't a person to be trusted because you won't value any person above your idol.

 

 

Not really religious myself, but I thought it a good analogy.

 

 

Then again, I think I got up on soapbox here, and will need to end the whole monologue with a joke about how good looking I am. But it isn't a joking manner. At least not to the millions of people that have a picture of my extraordinary face chiseled into their memories.

[wmacbride]

OP - you have said you have no experience with affairs from any side right? So how on earth are you surmising the above? Does that happen with some? Absolutely. But all you have to do is toddle over to the Infidelity section to see that true reconcilation rarely happens. It has been a topic of discussion multiple times over the years I have been on LS let alone reading/experiencing anywhere else.

 

It is far too optimistic and naive to think that most WS actually put in the hard work. It doesn't happen. A BS may be able to accept less, may make the move to leave, etc but it is far more in the minority to see a WS step up and move heaven and earth to correct the wrongs and work on rebuilding for the future.

 

My parents didn't, just rug swept and kept my mom's affair hidden, my husband and his ex wife rug swept hers, etc.

 

Rug sweeping is far more come.Google for more information.

 

Frequently Asked Questions about Infidelity

Reports have said that 60-75% of couples who have experienced a betrayal stay together. However, this does not mean that these couples can heal their relationships and regain trust and commitment to each other. In such cases, many couples stay together after one or more infidelities not because they're happy together but because they're afraid of the alternative. They're afraid of being single, the impact of divorce on their kids, the financial implications, etc.

 

Latest Infidelity Statistics of USA

Statistics on Infidelity Rate and More:

Surveys show that 22% of married men have committed an adulterous act at least once in their life

14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives

It is in the younger generation where these values are considerably higher and the numbers of both sexes are closer together

The percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker is 36%

The percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips is 36%

The percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law is 17%

30% of the married women knew of their spouse’s infidelity, while for married men the number is higher and it stands at 46%

90% of American believes it is morally wrong to commit an adulterous act only 61% would like to see it punished as any other crime

In the United States, 17% of all the divorces that occur are due to adultery on the part of either or both the parties

While a large number of divorces are caused by extramarital affairs most of them do not end in remarriage between the parties involved in the affair

36% of the people admit to having an affair with a co-worker, with whom the usually spend more time than their spouses

36 % percentage of people admits to having had an affair on a business trip

Statistics say that nearly 85% of the women are right when they think their partner is cheating on them while for men it is around 50%

2% to 3% of all children are due to infidelity and shockingly most of these children are unknowingly raised by men who are not their biological fathers

70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses’ extramarital activity

Men are more likely than women to have a sexual affair, regardless of whether or not they are in a married or unmarried relationship

Note: Due to the secretive nature of infidelity, it is impossible to find the exact figures about cheating and extra-marital affairs. In many cases, infidelity never gets discovered.

 

I am not the op, and I am a bs who is in a marriage that reconciled successfully, so I most certainly DO now what I am talking about. It was a serried of hundreds of small acts on both our parts that made that possible. Acts that rebuilt trust, acts of kindness, acts of understand and grace. It's a process made up of thousands of small steps.

 

It sounds like your parents were never able to to do that, and you decided that reconciling your own marriage isn't what was right for your situation, but to extrapolate from that to everyone else is a pretty big leap. Sure, some couples never get to that point, but to assume that few do is a big stretch.

 

I'm wondering exactly what you mean by 'hard work" you mention above. Do you mean counseling, some grand gesture, what?

 

btw, thanks for the statistics, but a the saying goes "there are lies, damned lies and statistics". They can be twisted to support virtually any position.

Edited May 18, 2016 by wmacbride

[Cymbeline]

'I think you're speaking in overly broad generalizations while applying gender-based stereotypes that tend to slant anti-man. Seriously, if we lived "Game of Thrones" existences, you may have a point, but men aren't buyers in a market where the commodity is women. '

 

The market in relationships doesn't necessarily make men the buyers. It goes both ways, depending upon the commodity sought in individual cases. I don't think I implied otherwise?

 

'(Honestly, I think this is more than a little offensive, and I'm not even a man. Men do not blindly and uncontrollably want sex and women aren't the ones who meter it out. That makes it sound like men are sex-driven and women use sex as a controlling, manipulative tool to extract desirable behavior from men.')

 

When I see my assertion that women are the gatekeepers interpreted like this, I think I agree with you. It may be anti-feminist of me to say that they are that way in society. Biologically however I think it is true. Socially and culturally I think it is frequently true. But not always.

 

('On an individual level, if we see a potential mate who is an improvement in some way on what we already have, we may take a risk to get it.

So now we are competitive again? ')

 

Yes. Absolutely. As a species we are cooperative because it is the best way to thrive. When competition becomes the best way to thrive, we will compete.

 

See Richard Dawkins 'The Selfish Gene' among other works by Biologists/Evolutionary psychologists - for example, Stephen Pinker. And think of examples from your experience of cooperative enterprises which work well, but where news comes out that someone has secretly been involved in selfish behaviour which goes against group welfare because there is a perceived high chance the individual will benefit, without losing its place in the group.

 

('Or perhaps, more realistically, what is mindful and ethical in socially constructed parameters is flexible and highly individualistic')

 

Umm - I'm not sure how often flexible (if by flexible you mean here , likely to change according to what suits your desires) highly individualistic behaviour is likely to fit with mindful and ethical behaviour, no matter how you construct your parameters. Not that often I'd guess, but You might easily prove otherwise if you've thought this through more carefully than I.

[NTV]

Hell, half the folks (myself included) trying to reconcile can't put a true definition on the meaning of the word as it applies to their marriage. How do you know when you're truly reconciled? How can you be sure that it isn't a false one?

And who knows how many of the folks cheating answered the questionnaire honestly.

 

 

 

 

I don't see how any statistics on this could be accurate. It's not like a blind taste test where there's two cups of soda.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Course, to be fair, I'm not a statistician.