Projection?: Wife worried about my faithfulness after she had affair

[sundog]

My wife and I are just in the beginning of working on things, even though the OM is still not entirely out of the picture. However, my question is regarding her fear of being cheated upon by me now. She always thought throughout our marriage (5 years) that I was cheating or capable of cheating on her. This is mostly because I was an emotionally distant person and too independent from her (which I have now changed). She seems totally devastated that she, the family loving wife, ended up cheating on me and I never did anything of the sort to her.

 

She is also now extremely sensitive to me looking good when I go to the office or anywhere alone. An old girlfriend who is still friends with my extended family visited recently. My wife was so obsessed with not seeing her (either of us) that I was totally confused. She even said she had the image of this other woman in my arms (when we dated) and it drove her nuts. I felt like saying, 'when she was in my arms I wasn't married to you!'. I've never cheated on my wife or even put myself in such a situation.

 

It just seems totally ridiculous to me that she obsesses about a past flame of mine when she was the one that had this affair on me (emotional). I've consistantly just reassured her that I am faithful to her, despite the circumstances.

 

I do notice that she hasn't completely come to terms with what she's done. Instead of taking ownership of her affair, she talks about all the things that caused it (my behaviour, her need for love). I'm willing to accept some of the blame, but she has yet to truly just apologize for this. Is this some sort of coping mechanism at work?

 

I almost had to laugh in her presence today because she was asking me about a phone number she didn't recognize in my cell phone bill. She is checking MY cell phone bill! Hah!

 

So.... what the hell is this all about?

[seagirl]

You said it yourself "she hasn't quite come to terms with it" I think that this is a sort of strange way of dealing with the guilt of it all. Do you ever notice that people will accuse others of what they are doing? Like the thief who is always afraid of being robbed? Or the "tough guy" is going around bullying people? It's that kind of thing. Your wife is accusing you of what she has done, this should hopefully pass before too long. Are you guys getting any sort of counseling? This is a hard thing to get through without some help.

 

Good luck!

[dawn duval]

I did the same thing she's doing in a relationship in which I cheated. Two reasons. I felt like he "had the right", to get back at me or something. I also felt that I didn't deserve his forgiveness and that he deserved better than me. That feeling was far more powerful, and I don't think I would have ever gotten over that. He definitely deserved better than that (and me!)

 

You're accepting that you had a role in it, but I don't think it changes the feelings of inadequacy she'll have. My relationship was similar -- there were problems on both sides. Still I was the one who blew it by cheating first. No matter how I tried to rationalize by blaming problems in our relationship, the fact remains that I didn't make an effort to fix the relationship first.

 

Just wanted to explain what she may be feeling...

[sylviaguardian]

I do notice that she hasn't completely come to terms with what she's done. Instead of taking ownership of her affair, she talks about all the things that caused it (my behaviour, her need for love). I'm willing to accept some of the blame, but she has yet to truly just apologize for this. Is this some sort of coping mechanism at work?

 

So.... what the hell is this all about?

 

Your wife did a s***ty thing. Of course she does not want to admit to it, because it mean she has to come to terms with the s***ty aspects of her personality. Blaming you is easier. But until she accepts that she chose to have an affair, she chose to betray you etc etc there will be no change in her thinking. She will always be a potential cheater.

 

In fact, it's worse now because she did it and got away with it, without any real consequences. You need to get to the bottom of this. I fear that this is not the 2 day thing she has made it out to be. It is rare for women to fall in love with someone and do the things she did within a 2-day space. It sounds like she has met this man before.

You have a right now to know the truth. Please don't let her bury this. Don't be afraid of confronting her. Sure it will cause problems at the time, but better that than a lifetime of mistrust.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. When my husband cheated on me I wanted so badly to believe him that I swallowed any lame excuse he gave me to begin with. But the feeling that you don't quite know what is going on eats away at you all the time. It took me the best part of a year to finally explode and get the truth from him. It hurts but it is better than going insane with the all the doubts.

 

All the best,

Sylvia

[reservoirdog1]

First of all, OM should be out of the picture NOW. Full stop, non-negotiable. That should be a prerequisite to reconciliation.

 

Okay, that's out of the way. Yes, she is projecting. It might be because she's worried about you having a revenge affair. But that's unlikely. More likely, she's doing it because telling you she's worried that YOU might do something as awful as she did takes away somewhat from her guilt over her own actions. She might even be able to convince herself that she's genuinely worried about it, which helps her even more.

 

Even during her many infidelities, my XW would occasionally bring up my highschool girlfriend, who I was with for about six months and never slept with. She put on an occasional display of being "threatened" by her (even though she lived across the country and was by now married), which I mostly thought was just comic or something she was doing to elicit compliments and reassurance.

 

What she was probably doing was trying to convince herself that I was just as capable of doing what she'd already done, and that the only thing that had stopped me was lack of opportunity or circumstances. Intellectually, however, she knew this was untrue.

 

So, to answer your question, yes. Being obsessive about what you "might" do gets her mind off her own guilt. Don't put up with it any more than you feel like, however -- you're not the wrongdoer. She is.