SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 ??????? DO I TELL HIM ABOUT THE FOLLOWING ???????????????????????? I have never cheated on my husband. However, we are going through a very "rough" patch because of the following: There is a certain someone I can't get out of my head and it's making me crazy. I lay in bed at night fantasizing about this person whom I have run into 4 times in a period of one year - you'll agree this isn't excessive. Then WHY can't I stop thinking about this person? This man and I saw each other 2 consecutive nights this past weekend at a public event in town. The sparks flew like crazy and I let him walk me to my car both nights. Nothing happend physical happend, although I will admit our foreheads touched as we stood there doing nothing but... breathing each other in. This act in a way was much more dangerous than kissing or sex. My pulse raced for a few hours after I returned home. You might be asking yourself, "Where was your husband?" He was at the family lake house, where he had been for about 3 or 4 consecutive weekends, leaving me home alone. These longings are making me crazy, and I admit I have started to treat my husband crappy. Before this man and I had contact, I had asked my husband for a seperation. But now I don't know if I want one because I don't love my hubby or if it's because I want to go jump in the sack with some other guy I am lusting after. Why is this happening? What the hell do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 What's your husband doing at the lake house without you? Is he going through a rough patch, or is it just you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 He was there for guys weekend. The weekend before that he was up helping seal the deck. The weekend before that he was up painting. The weekend before that he was up just having fun. All of these weekends, I was home working. He knows that we have problems - I have asked him to go to counceling many times. In fact, we went to a marriage retreat weekend - you know, to learn how to communicate - and he left midway through the 2nd night to go watch television. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Forget the marriage retreat... the two of you need to see a real counselor. Why doesn't he want to go? Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 So the fact that he doesn't seem interested in counseling is a reason to have a lustful fling. Does he really know the extent of your problems? Alot of women don't want to tell their b/f. h because they think they will become upset. The heck with being upset. You need to sit him down and tell him just what you are feeling and make him understand that you are not getting what you need from the relationship. If you tell him and he still turns his back on the marriage then he is a selfish pig and you need to see a lawyer. Then you will be free to chase your lustful fantasies... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 I can of several reasons my husband won't go to counseling: He's scared. He doesn't truly believe there is a problem. He doesn't want to admit there is a problem. He thinks I'm just "going through a phase" (for the past 3 years - highly unlikely) Anyways, because he is an avoider, and all the attempts I have tried that included sitting him down and asking for change/compromise have been met with ranting and raving. Then the cycle continues and things just get progressively worse. So he leaves me on the weekends because he does what he wants, when he wants and he trusts me. Which he should. Except.... For the past year there are these feelings for that ...guy. And the lack of attraction, lack of romantic feelings, and lack of emotional attraction just get worse. I love my husband - but I don't know if I'm IN love with him. My mom does know what I'm going through. She and my father - who own a large corporation and therefore are control freaks - have let me know in no such terms that they will not settle for having a daughter who is a quitter. Nor will they support any effort in seperating from my husband whom they LOVE LOVE LOVE. I am a people pleaser (who wouldn't be after being raised by two controlling parents) and really have no one to talk to - that's why I come here. My husband had this site blocked up until this morrning - I believe it's a total fluke that I am able to be on the site now. Anyways..... I feel like I should do something. Try a seperation. See if I can't start to sort through these feelings...... - Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 westernxr - That picture of you is pretty scary..... just kidding - or am I? (I thought we could use a little humor) Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 LOL. Thanks. I'd definitely keep your spark going... just look into my eyes. Seriously, though, what kind of change/compromise are you asking for? And what problems have there been for the past three years that couldn't be resolved by now? Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Then I would go to counseling yourself. The fact that you have such controlling parents is reason for you to think about your needs. If he still refuses to go then I would ask for a separation. Your parents loving him does nothing for your situation. This the time for your needs. Be selfish and make sure he knows what he will be giving up if some changes are not made. Most H's will turn around if he really loves you and the threat of losing you is thrust apon him. If he doesn't love you enough to save the marriage then you have your answer.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 First of all, I agree that I probably should go to counseling regardless. The parental units are a huge stress factor in my life. As much as I love them - they drive me crazy. I don't know where to start with the "problems." It's really hard to explain, but I think alot of it has to do with our personalities being the same, and our values being different. We struggle for ... power... I guess you could say, even though I KNOW no ones wins an argument. I am reserved. He makes an ass of himself in public. He thinks its funny to tell our families and strangers private things that I do and say that piss him off. Or he just doesn't get what the big deal is. His favorite catchphrase - "Oh well." We rarely have sex. This is because I am not physically attracted to him. Not his "fault". On a scale of 1 to 10 on the Reliability scale, he is a 3. There is no real connection - on my part. He is so content it makes me sick. He is the kind of guy who says he'll be right back, then comes home 8 hours later and doesn't get what the big deal is. This is a standard procedure for him. For example - we went on vacation to another COUNTRY and on the last night I was tired and went to bed at around midnight. We had to be out of the room and out the door by 8 in the morning to head to the airport. My husband decides midnight is too early to go to bed, so he goes out. At 7:30 the next morning, we're all waiting in the hallway, luggage stacked up. My husband STILL isn't back. Everyone keeps brow beating me about where he is - "where is he, where is he?" I feel like an ass because I have no clue. He finally comes back - and is annoyed with me for being pissed. He still to this day doesn't think it was a big deal. Really - I KNOW am not perfect. I'm a huge pain in his ass. He could go on and on about me, I'm sure. I get this from my mother. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Buy a dog... dogs are good for putting a stop to cat fights. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 Very funny. I happen to have two dogs - who both love to roll in s**t. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Was this, like, a fixed marriage or something, or did you choose him on your own? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by SunnySG We rarely have sex. This is because I am not physically attracted to him. Not his "fault". No wonder he doesn't want to cooperate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 I get where you're going with this. I think.... Yes, I chose him on my own. I am just trying to to sort out if this is the kind of marriage I want to have until I die. Luckily, we have no children. I don't know if this was a conscience decision on my part because of the issues we have, or if it's just a coincedence. Maybe I'm overthinking this. I wish I knew. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 Okay, with all the pictures of you out on this thread, I'm get the feeling that you're disgusted with me. You and your black knit hat. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by SunnySG Okay, with all the pictures of you out on this thread, I'm get the feeling that you're disgusted with me. You and your black knit hat. I try not to judge, but I will speak my mind. I'm definitely not disgusted with you, so just take my words with a grain of salt. I think you are complicating the situation a little... it's so easy with guys. A little loving goes a long way. What's the point of a marriage if you don't have sex with him? Your marriage sounds like the War of the Roses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 I can accept that. It's always extremely hard to listen to others give you advice. Especially when you KNOW there's truth to what they're saying, and I for one have never been good accepting constructive critisism. I asked my mom today if she thought I should fake emotions with my husband. Pretend to be happy when I'm not. She said "Absolutely." I thought that was the worst advice ever. I guess we don't have sex because of the missing emotional connection. I don't NOT like sex. In fact, I think about it all the time. Just for the past year, it's not my husband I picture having it with. Which was the point of the original thread..... It's a very shameful time for me, and I am not proud of what I have allowed my marriage to become. Well, both of us have allowed it to become this way. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Did you ever share an emotional connection? And I think it's wrong to feign happiness when you're screaming inside. Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 And the lack of attraction, lack of romantic feelings, and lack of emotional attraction just get worse. I love my husband - but I don't know if I'm IN love with him. A search of these threads will show the ol' "Love him/her, but not IN love with him/her..." excuse plenty. Read 'The Five Love Languages' - there's a chapter on the in-love phenomenon. Check out the marriage builders web-site also; some good info on meeting emotional needs. He's scared. He doesn't truly believe there is a problem. He doesn't want to admit there is a problem. He thinks I'm just "going through a phase" (for the past 3 years - highly unlikely) MW approached me about counseling a few times and I really didn't hear her. When she told me she thought we might need to separate, I got us in counseling two days later. She shared how she also felt a lack of attraction, lack of romantic feelings, and lack of emotional attraction. Wish I had heard her sooner. Found out about her A a few months into counseling. As Marshbear advised, you need to sit him down and make him hear you. If he knows that you are prepared to cheat to have needs met, he may stop believing there is not a problem. You need to communicate with him about attractions to others; won't be as likely to act on them. Cranium http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 Thanks. What you say makes a lot of sense. I am going to have to know exactly what to say so that the right message gets across to him. We have a tendancy to overreact to each other. He listens to me a lot but never actually hears me, because for the duration of our marriage we've had problems, and I have asked him to do counceling many many times before - first as a preventitive measure, now because we actually need it. I don't want to turn into a statistic. I just want the longing and urges to GO AWAY and leave me alone. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by SunnySG I just want the longing and urges to GO AWAY and leave me alone. That ain't gonna happen... it's a biological thing that shows you're healthy, and horny. Link to post Share on other sites
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