Isittolatenow Posted May 15, 2016 Share Posted May 15, 2016 Hi everyone, if you could help, that'd be great! My ex (38/M) broke up with me (35/F) 3 weeks ago because of the distance in our relationship. We're 350KM apart and because of his job - he drives around 600KM a week & back at home for weekends to have his kids. (I also have kids from my marriage) we never had any time to see each other. Anyway, 2 days ago he got back in touch with me thanking me for sticking up for him on Facebook. We ended up texting that night, where he said he still has massive amounts of feelings for me, I'm his type of girl, but the distance put a massive wedge between us. Life wasn't fair, because if it was we'd be together. Also at that point I was in the next place to him (20 min drive away) as I'd spent the day being interviewed for a job there. He said how strange it was for me to be in his state, but not with him. He also mentioned he'd be somewhere close to me in the next few weeks and did i want to see him. He'd understand if not, but he'd really like to see me. Yesterday he text to wish me a safe drive home and we had on/off text conversations all day. He's basically said that if the move happens and I go there then that's all he wants, but he'd never ask me to go. My life is based here, but the job would be too good to turn down. I've told him that I'm back there for a 2nd interview and he dropped into the boyfriend texting mode, using nicknames again etc. I'm unbelievably confused as I love this man more than anything, but I feel like he's dangling the chance of the relationship in front of me to make me move the 4 hours. It would be a massive move with the kids, moving them from their dad, but also amazing for my career. I'm not sure what's the best thing to do?! Anyone been in a similar position?! Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted May 15, 2016 Share Posted May 15, 2016 Move because it's a great career move for you and it won't negatively impact your kids' life (have you discussed with their dad?). Your decision to move should have no bearing on a possible relationship with a man who has already broken up with you once. Question- how long did you two and your ex bf date? I assume you've always been long distance? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isittolatenow Posted May 15, 2016 Author Share Posted May 15, 2016 Move because it's a great career move for you and it won't negatively impact your kids' life (have you discussed with their dad?). Your decision to move should have no bearing on a possible relationship with a man who has already broken up with you once. Question- how long did you two and your ex bf date? I assume you've always been long distance? Yes, of course I've spoken to their Dad! He said to do what's right for us all (me & the kids) and if that means moving, then so be it. He only has them every other weekend, & its nearer the ocean etc, probably slightly better than where we live now. I was with my ex for 3 years. We grew up together & he moved away, started a family there, divorced. He's got a base here with his parents, which is why we decided to give it a go. His job has picked up intensity in the last 3 months which is why we split. Not because of lack of feelings, or falling out etc. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2016 Share Posted May 15, 2016 Take him completely out of the equation. Evaluate the job for what it is. Do you want the job? Do you want to live there even if you never speak to him again? Is it a good move for you & your kids in his absence? If yes, go. If no, stay. Do not make a single decision based on him. Once you are there & settled, you can reach out again if you like but move for you not the possibility of a relationship 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted May 15, 2016 Share Posted May 15, 2016 This is a tricky situation, because no matter what your proximity to your ex is going to influence your decision; how could it not? No matter how logical we try to be in our decisions, in the end they're emotionally driven--whether you follow your emotions or whether you make a decision in opposition to them. Your emotions are always in the driver's seat, ESPECIALLY where love is concerned. So, given that, you need to be really direct with your ex and ask him, if you took this job, whether you would then be resuming as a couple and what's more, whether you would then IMMEDIATELY take your relationship to the next step. I'm assuming that in three years, your ex has met your children? Have you met his? Have your respective children met each other? Have you and he talked marriage? At this point, and since inevitably you will be factoring him into your decision to move, you need to get all of this out onto the table. Look. It's EASY from a distance to say, "Aw, if you lived closer, then this could have worked out." HOW MANY times I've heard the story of long-distance relationships failing because as soon as the issue of distance was resolved, things finally got real, and too real for one person who then subsequently bails despite having been very gung-ho as long as there was the distance. After three years, if this guy has ever meant anything he's ever said to you, he needs to be very specific about what he envisions with you and steps the two of you can take to more fully integrate your lives now that you are in the same area. And LISTEN to what he says. If he balks, or says something vague like, "Let's see what happens," etc. THEN you can move for the new job KNOWING what the real chances are with this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted May 15, 2016 Share Posted May 15, 2016 (edited) Take him completely out of the equation. Evaluate the job for what it is. Do you want the job? Do you want to live there even if you never speak to him again? Is it a good move for you & your kids in his absence? If yes, go. If no, stay. Do not make a single decision based on him. Once you are there & settled, you can reach out again if you like but move for you not the possibility of a relationship Completely agree with this. He can promise you the world and still renege when you get there or the relationship may not work for whatever reason so I'd only go if this is the right move for you and your kids. The End. Edited May 15, 2016 by kidm typo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 15, 2016 Share Posted May 15, 2016 How old are your kids? What's the impact on their social lives? Are they still adjusting to the divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isittolatenow Posted May 15, 2016 Author Share Posted May 15, 2016 How old are your kids? What's the impact on their social lives? Are they still adjusting to the divorce? They're 10,8&6. I divorced my husband when my youngest was still a baby (18m ish) due to infidelity. As far as he - my son - remembers we've never been together. They've been asking to move to that area after spending 3 weeks there last summer break. It's right by the ocean and we are landlocked. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisymae2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Share Posted May 17, 2016 You ARE in a difficult spot. However, I noticed in your first sentence, that you said your boyfriend was the one to suggest the breakup because of the distance. It wasn't mutual. At that point he wasn't attempting to problem solve the issue, which brings one to speculate how deep his feelings really were in the first place. The re-connection was happen chance and it fell into a comfortable pattern which you interpreted as encouragement from him. Here are some questions to think about: What happens if once you uproot your family, he is not fully committed to you? Will he have much time for you as he travels to see his children on weekends? How will a move impact your children and their father? Did you apply for the job promotion in order to be near him? Moving is a life changing event and must be met with considerable thought and planning. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted May 17, 2016 Share Posted May 17, 2016 If it was in my best interest career-wise/financially and no negative impact on the kids to move there, I would. Then once I got there, I would look for a completely new person to date. I wouldn't even consider going back to the ex who clearly didn't love me enough to want to put the necessary effort into our relationship regardless of the distance. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isittolatenow Posted May 22, 2016 Author Share Posted May 22, 2016 So me & my LD ex broke up about 6 weeks ago. I did NC for the 1st 3 weeks, then reached out as I heard his mom was ill again. We've been chatting on & off since, some days quite regularly, some not as much. Anyway, we were due to meet for coffee in 2 days time as he's in my state - about an hours drive from me, he'd also offered me a bed as I have a job interview in his state next weekend. Long story short, he's just text me to tell me he's been asked out on a date, he's not sure if he's going to go as he still has massive feelings for me, but half of him thinks he should because he can't deal with the distance between us (4 states) and thinks he should move on but doesn't want to hurt me, but wants to be up front about it?! I actually feel sick, I've obviously cancelled the coffee and rejected his offer of a bed next weekend, but why did he feel the need to tell me? Is he keeping me around for an ego boost? I'm wandering around my apartment actually wanting to throw up. I can't text him back because I don't know what to say. 'Yes, I mind, a huge amount?!' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 He broke up with you originally? Is that right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 He was being polite & now he's being honest. Yes, the honesty hurts but as bad as it is, you would be more upset if you stayed at his house then found out about the date. Good news: you pick people of integrity to date. Just because it ended doesn't mean you are a bad person or that he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 why did he feel the need to tell me? Is he keeping me around for an ego boost? I'm wandering around my apartment actually wanting to throw up. I can't text him back because I don't know what to say. 'Yes, I mind, a huge amount?!' He ended with you. He's even telling you he wants to move on. I think he just wanted to be upfront incase you were hopeful since you both have been in contact. You were the one that reached out to him so I am not sure about keeping you around as an ego boost. I'm sure he still has feelings for you and is attached to you but not enough to work on the relationship but enough to still be in contact without affecting him as much as it does you. It's not up to him to enforce boundaries. You should have done that to protect yourself. Unless he's banging on your door wanting to be with you, this is why it's always best to stay NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 He's done nothing wrong. In fact he's demonstrated good character by being honest and straight with you. Do your grieving and move on. NC. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isittolatenow Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 He broke up with you originally? Is that right? No, I ended it after I found out he'd been messaging other women behind my back! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isittolatenow Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 He ended with you. He's even telling you he wants to move on. I think he just wanted to be upfront incase you were hopeful since you both have been in contact. You were the one that reached out to him so I am not sure about keeping you around as an ego boost. I'm sure he still has feelings for you and is attached to you but not enough to work on the relationship but enough to still be in contact without affecting him as much as it does you. It's not up to him to enforce boundaries. You should have done that to protect yourself. Unless he's banging on your door wanting to be with you, this is why it's always best to stay NC. That's the worst bit for me. He was the one who started every text message conversation we had, he begged for me to meet him for a coffee as I was really reluctant about it. I went out for drinks last week, he spent the night texting me asking if I was enjoying it etc, saying he wishes he was there, when I didn't reply, he would text again. I said a few friends from the local football team had turned up, he put a sad face then 'sure you'll be getting the attention I wish I was giving you'. My boundaries were pushed down because he pushed them down! It's not been all me! Link to post Share on other sites
LD1990 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 My boundaries were pushed down because he pushed them down! It's not been all me! You're just making excuses here. If you wanted to put up boundaries, you'd block him. You haven't done that because you still have feelings for him. Same reason you reached out to him about his mother being ill (reach out to her if you're that concerned). Why do you put up with this? Don't you deserve better than a guy who messages other women behind your back? Quit wasting your time on text messages from this loser, he's not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isittolatenow Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 You're just making excuses here. If you wanted to put up boundaries, you'd block him. You haven't done that because you still have feelings for him. Same reason you reached out to him about his mother being ill (reach out to her if you're that concerned). Why do you put up with this? Don't you deserve better than a guy who messages other women behind your back? Quit wasting your time on text messages from this loser, he's not worth it. I sent him, his mom & bro the identical same message saying I was sorry to hear what had happened. I wasn't expecting a reply from any of the 3, but after 2 years I thought it was only respectful to send the message. And yes, you're right, it is an excuse and I feel bad about that. I put up with it because I love him , although it's not what anyone SHOULD put up with. I just want to stop feeling so sick, it's 3.20am, I haven't eaten or slept. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 (edited) Well, that was pretty tactless on his part. But better that you know now before you get any stories in your head about a reunion. Leave the texting and everything else alone until you process this. If he reaches out, don't answer his call or respond to his messages. The most important thing right now is for you to attend to yourself and how you're feeling. Edited May 23, 2016 by Buddhist Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 My ex (38/M) broke up with me (35/F) 3 weeks ago because of the distance in our relationship. OK he is the dumper and you reached out about his mum and it ended up as a 2 way street texting back and forth. HE, I guess, had friend-zoned you, as you seemed friendly post break up, not holding grudges and texting him. YOU on the other hand saw the communication as an indication you were slowly on a path to getting back together. He saw coffee and a bed for the night as helping a mate out, and you saw it as an indication he was still in love with you. He then mentions the date he is going on, and you are gutted. Dumpers are not as emotionally invested as dumpees, they have had time to process the split before they say they are leaving and they are happy being friends with the dumpee, and happy dating again too. YOU however are not in a good place and need time to grieve, heal and get over him. NC is the way to go here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isittolatenow Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 OK he is the dumper and you reached out about his mum and it ended up as a 2 way street texting back and forth. HE, I guess, had friend-zoned you, as you seemed friendly post break up, not holding grudges and texting him. YOU on the other hand saw the communication as an indication you were slowly on a path to getting back together. He saw coffee and a bed for the night as helping a mate out, and you saw it as an indication he was still in love with you. He then mentions the date he is going on, and you are gutted. Dumpers are not as emotionally invested as dumpees, they have had time to process the split before they say they are leaving and they are happy being friends with the dumpee, and happy dating again too. YOU however are not in a good place and need time to grieve, heal and get over him. NC is the way to go here. That's how I treated it at first, I have a job interview near him which I'd completely forgotten I'd applied for. He was a mate, that was fine, we'd been together a long time, but friends for even longer. I text about his mom, we had a day or 2 of back & forth, then I left it. Tried to move on, downloaded a dating app & had a giggle. Then get a text out the blue thanking me for something I'd done to defend him on a thread on Reddit. He then got overly emotional 'I hate we're so far apart, I just want to be with you' etc. I wanted it to be a friends thing, maybe drop each other a text every week or so asking about the other. He turned it into an every day thing again, messaging good morning & good night plus numerous interactions between. He was the one that pushed for coffee because he's missed me and loves being with me. I was still trying to be friendly, not replying for a few hours etc, he'd see id read the message and text again?? Then I get this message out the blue yesterday 'hey baby, hope you've had a good day so far. Just wanted to let you know I've been asked out on a date. Not sure I'm going to go as I'd feel too bad about you, but you know i can't deal with the distance. Half of me wants to go, the other half is screaming your name at me. I'm letting you know out of respect xxxxxx' It literally was a punch in the stomach. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 'hey baby, hope you've had a good day so far. Just wanted to let you know I've been asked out on a date. Not sure I'm going to go as I'd feel too bad about you, but you know i can't deal with the distance. Half of me wants to go, the other half is screaming your name at me. I'm letting you know out of respect xxxxxx' It literally was a punch in the stomach. I know it doesn't sound much like it, but is is a blessing in disguise. I think he maybe was regretting his decision to break up, as there was no-one else interesting on the horizon, so he picked you up again after you contacted him. Now with the chance of a date, normal service is resumed, and he again chucks you out the window... Nice Best you just forget about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isittolatenow Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 I know it doesn't sound much like it, but is is a blessing in disguise. I think he maybe was regretting his decision to break up, as there was no-one else interesting on the horizon, so he picked you up again after you contacted him. Now with the chance of a date, normal service is resumed, and he again chucks you out the window... Nice Best you just forget about him. That's what hurts me the most. Knowing he was only back messaging me because no one else was on the scene. I was head over heels. 6 years of friendship & a 4 year relationship done ? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Ok just read your other thread so is this interview pending, the second interview that would take you closer to him, if you got the job? Link to post Share on other sites
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