Angry and sad

[Krobyn]

This is sort of long so bear with me. My husband and I have been married 20 years, together 22. We have a friend who we have known for 20 years. She no longer lives in the same city as us and lives about three hours away. I considered her my best friend and had maintained contact with her. My husband lost touch with her because they were not as close.

 

Three months ago, my husband was going through a major depression. He took some time off of work and saw his doctor to get on meds. During this, we were going through a rough time in our marriage. My husband was trying to find support for the depression and contacted our friend. They've always been flirty with each other. He told me that she was safe because she was my friend. I was glad to see that he was trying to find support since he's usually a very private person.

 

After 6 days of them chatting through Facebook, he told me that she was trying to convince him to travel to have sex with her. We talked about what to do. He said he would no longer have contact with her but if I wanted to stay friends with her I could. I quickly realized I could not stay friends with someone I couldn't trust. I sent her a message telling her I knew and then blocked her on Facebook. He also blocked her on Facebook. After about a week he deactivated his Facebook because of some work drama that was going on.

 

We kept working on our marriage and I tried to process through everything. She started going to my husband's LinkedIn page every day. He got curious and looked at hers. Hers was basically a message to him to contact her. It gave her email and phone number. She told him to get a trac phone so I wouldn't know as well as lots of other stuff. He showed me the message.

 

About two months go by and he reactivates his Facebook account. She immediately starts messaging him. He shows me the messages. He researches no contact letters and emails her one. And he deactivates his Facebook account again.

 

I feel like he had an EA with her, he doesn't see it this way because he says he always told her he loved me and would not want to lose me or our daughter. I think he really liked the attention that he got from her and that she probably wanted more. She's in a bad living situation and I think she saw him as a way out.

 

I'm having a really hard time dealing with my emotions. I'm angry that someone who is supposed to be my best friend could do this and I'm really hurt. And I miss her and feel like an idiot for missing her.

[The_Dork_Lard]

What's an EA?

[Krobyn]

What's an EA?

 

Emotional affair

[wmacbride]

Just because she is having a difficult time in her own life does not mean that she can visit that on your head.

 

It really says something about her that she would.

 

i could maybe see a slip up, perhaps reading more into a situation than what was there, but form what you say, your He made it clear that he was not interested.

 

If she was truly your friend, should would have felt very sheepish and apologized to you. She didn't do that.

 

I suspect this is more about you than him. She sounds like she is jealous of you and is trying to build herself up by tearing you down. All it took was six days to get to that point.

 

You are better off without her in your life, and kudos to your husband for his honesty.

[Marc878]

She's not your friend. Kudos to your husband for taking the right stance on this.

 

Purge her for life. Both of you.

[Jersey born raised]

It sounds like it could have been an EA if your husband hadn't stepped back because she moved to fast. Some EAs do catch both people unaware. With age comes wisdom and the building of healthy boundaries.

 

For myself I felt myself falling into an EA twice while married. For me when I felt it would be the most natural thing in the world to just reach out and hold her hand I pulled back hard. I have no idea how either of these woman felt about me. Just the feeling of closeness was a warning.

 

Your husband showed his love and trust for you by coming to you quickly. Unless there is more or a past incident I would move on from the friend. I believe storngly that a spouse cannot be friends with people who are enemys of the marriage.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Krobyn, good for your husband for being honest with you and with your friend and for taking steps to get her out of his life.

 

As I see it this is one of those times of disappointment in life when you just need to process your feelings of sadness and anger and move on from the friendship with this woman permanently because she's not your friend.

 

Personally, I don't believe men and women who are committed should turn to opposite sex others for support during difficult times.

[whichwayisup]

How long ago did she move away?

She no longer lives in the same city as us and lives about three hours away. I considered her my best friend and had maintained contact with her. My husband lost touch with her because they were not as close.

 

Are you sure about this? Because you say they were "flirty" before she moved. I do wonder how close they were before she moved away. I find it extremely odd that he would turn to HER for support for depression. He could have chosen to lean on you, or another buddy (a male friend) or even do counseling, but nope he chose HER.

 

Sad to say I think there's a lot more to this story and it could have been more than an EA. Both of their behaviour is questionable. NC is NC yet he looked at her LinkedIn? Why did he do that if NC was in place and he wants nothing to do with her? Why is re activating his fb? Why didn't he block her? Something isn't adding up here.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like he had an EA with her, he doesn't see it this way because he says he always told her he loved me and would not want to lose me or our daughter.

 

I'm confused by your assessment of his side of this. Did he act inappropriately or say things to her that crossed boundaries?

 

I thought from reading your post he showed you as soon as she began acting out....

 

Mr. Lucky

[Krobyn]

How long ago did she move away?

 

It's been at least ten years.

 

 

Are you sure about this? Because you say they were "flirty" before she moved. I do wonder how close they were before she moved away. I find it extremely odd that he would turn to HER for support for depression. He could have chosen to lean on you, or another buddy (a male friend) or even do counseling, but nope he chose HER. He is pretty introverted and not into sharing how he feels. He knew that she was someone who he could be emotional with. It was not a very wise choice on his part.

 

Sad to say I think there's a lot more to this story and it could have been more than an EA. Both of their behaviour is questionable. NC is NC yet he looked at her LinkedIn? Why did he do that if NC was in place and he wants nothing to do with her? Why is re activating his fb? Why didn't he block her? Something isn't adding up here.

 

He looked at her LinkedIn out of curiousity because she kept looking at his. Also not very smart on his part. He reactivated his FB because he figured she had moved on. He also thought the block was still on his account. I think she freaked him out when she immediately started messaging him. It was at that point that he emailed her a no contact letter. I think until then he thought if he ignored her, she would go away and that didn't happen.

[Krobyn]

I'm confused by your assessment of his side of this. Did he act inappropriately or say things to her that crossed boundaries?

 

I thought from reading your post he showed you as soon as she began acting out....

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He told me within a couple of hours. I think it was hard for him to figure out how to approach me because he knew it was going to hurt me.

 

I believe he never should have started flirting with her. I understand why he thought it would be okay because we had all been friends forever but I think he should have not opened that door.

 

We were in a bad spot in our marriage and were in the process of fixing things. He told her some of the things that were causing problems. I think it was bad judgment on his part. I understand how it happened but I think he'll never put himself in that situation again after this.

[Krobyn]

 

Personally, I don't believe men and women who are committed should turn to opposite sex others for support during difficult times.

 

At this point, I think I would have to agree with you.

[Krobyn]

She sounds like she is jealous of you and is trying to build herself up by tearing you down. All it took was six days to get to that point.

 

You are better off without her in your life, and kudos to your husband for his honesty.

 

I actually think you may have something here. There were a couple of times when she would distance herself from me. When we would start talking again, she would tell me that she was having problems because she was jealous of my life and that she felt guilty for it so she would avoid me.

[merrmeade]

Still missing pieces because what's here doesn't add up. I think part of the problem is your language and part, your own understanding of what they had/did and why. Time to deconstruct.

 

First you said:

• "We" have a friend who we have known for 20 years.
  
• She no longer lives in the same city as us and lives about three hours away.
  
• I considered her my best friend and had maintained contact with her.
  
• My husband lost touch with her because they were not as close.

So how did you maintain contact and how often? Was he part of any of those contacts, as in visits to each other's homes? Outings? What is the meaning of saying a spouse loses touch with a friend of the other spouse? Why would he be in touch separately in the first place?

 

Then you said:

• My husband was trying to find support for the depression and contacted our friend.
  
• They've always been flirty with each other.
  
• He told me that she was safe because she was my friend.
  
• I was glad to see that he was trying to find support since he's usually a very private person.
  
• I believe he never should have started flirting with her.
  
• I understand why he thought it would be okay because we had all been friends forever but I think he should have not opened that door.

So how have they "always" been flirty if he'd "lost touch" with her? He "started flirting with her" when/where/how? How often did they see each other? Were you there always? Do you have all the information about their interactions?

[Krobyn]

Still missing pieces because what's here doesn't add up. I think part of the problem is your language and part, your own understanding of what they had/did and why. Time to deconstruct.

 

First you said:

• "We" have a friend who we have known for 20 years.
  
• She no longer lives in the same city as us and lives about three hours away.
  
• I considered her my best friend and had maintained contact with her.
  
• My husband lost touch with her because they were not as close.

So how did you maintain contact and how often? Initially we spoke on the phone practically every day. Over the years, we switched to chatting through Facebook, usually several times a week. We visited to see her a couple of times over the years. When we lived closer, we saw her and her husband (now divorced) practically every day. We were all very close. They split up and both ended up moving away. It's really hard to explain relationship dynamics. We watched movies, ate supper, but mostly we all talked about life, philosophy, art, creativity, family, etc. We were close. Was he part of any of those contacts, as in visits to each other's homes? Outings? What is the meaning of saying a spouse loses touch with a friend of the other spouse? Why would he be in touch separately in the first place?

 

Then you said:

• My husband was trying to find support for the depression and contacted our friend.
  
• They've always been flirty with each other.
  
• He told me that she was safe because she was my friend.
  
• I was glad to see that he was trying to find support since he's usually a very private person.
  
• I believe he never should have started flirting with her.
  
• I understand why he thought it would be okay because we had all been friends forever but I think he should have not opened that door.

So how have they "always" been flirty if he'd "lost touch" with her? He "started flirting with her" when/where/how? How often did they see each other? Were you there always? Do you have all the information about their interactions?

When she moved, I stayed in contact but he didn't. But he knew about what was going on in her life and she knew about our life from my convos with her. They were Facebook friends but did not message each other. When he messaged her in February, he told me. She told me as well. She also made the comment about it taking ten years for him to talk to her. If he had not been trying to reach out to people, I don't think he would have contacted her. I am positive that he was just looking for a friend. They were reminiscing about the past, about her breakup with her xH, etc. He felt like she was a safe place to vent about life, his relationship with his father (they had a big blow up right before this happened), our marriage, being the sole provider (I'm a SAHM for the last 4 years), work stress, In turn she told him how she had always admired him and found him attractive. One of the problems in our marriage is our sex life, I didn't really want to get into this but I guess it gives a clearer picture. I was sexually abused as a child and have serious issues with sex. We went years without sex. It was a huge issue for my husband, understandably. He didn't pressure me, it just left him feeling unloved. His depression led to us having some serious talks about our relationship and we have made lots of progress in this area. She initially came from it as a she could help him out and I would never have to know. He turned her down, explained that he loved me and didn't want to threaten that. He felt like she was trying to help in her own weird way (Initially, I actually could see her doing this but her subsequent actions proved to me that she actually had more selfish motives). He told me because he wanted to be open, I think also to remove the temptation. He should have had clearer boundaries with her and turning to her about our marriage problems was a mistake. We both see this.

[burnt]

Forgive me, but every bit of this story sounds way too fishy to me.

 

I truly fail to imagine how it's possible for this other woman to JUST stalk your husband … just because. I am really having a hard time believing how innocently you are portraying his role in it to be.

 

Yes, she could be a psychotic stalker who just dreamt up of an imaginary relationship with your husband out of complete thin air, but based on most accounts of OWs, by the time a woman starts to act the way your friend is acting is when a significant emotional bond between the MM and OW has been established.

 

As painful as it may be, may I suggest the following:

especially since she was your friend for 20 some years, can you meet up with her and have a candid conversation about WHY she is behaving this way.

 

Sorry, but no woman just suddenly wakes up one day and decides to go chasing after a married man on a whim--I honestly don't believe he's giving you the whole story--mostly likely because he doesn't want to hurt you.

[harrybrown]

Sounds like your H loves you very much.

 

hope you will rock his world and he yours.

[healingsoul]

Krobyn, I agree with livingwaterplease that your husband needs to be commended for being so honest with you and for making sure you know everything. Let the girlfriend go. She violated you and your your husband and your marriage relationship. I am so very sorry for you.

[Krobyn]

Forgive me, but every bit of this story sounds way too fishy to me.

 

I truly fail to imagine how it's possible for this other woman to JUST stalk your husband … just because. I am really having a hard time believing how innocently you are portraying his role in it to be.

 

Yes, she could be a psychotic stalker who just dreamt up of an imaginary relationship with your husband out of complete thin air, but based on most accounts of OWs, by the time a woman starts to act the way your friend is acting is when a significant emotional bond between the MM and OW has been established.

 

As painful as it may be, may I suggest the following:

especially since she was your friend for 20 some years, can you meet up with her and have a candid conversation about WHY she is behaving this way.

 

Sorry, but no woman just suddenly wakes up one day and decides to go chasing after a married man on a whim--I honestly don't believe he's giving you the whole story--mostly likely because he doesn't want to hurt you.

 

I loved my friend but I'm not blind to her faults. She has a horrible track record with men. After her marriage broke up, she hooked up with a variety of men. There were men she met off the internet, coworkers, supervisors. At one point, her boss called and left me a voice message begging me to get her to stop calling him. She had called him over twenty times and filled up his voice mailbox. She was there when I played back the message. So yes, she has the ability to get super attached, super quickly. I'm not a shrink but have wondered before if she doesn't have Borderline Personality Disorder because she also self injures and has some addiction problems. But I loved her and just tried to be supportive even when I watched her make bad choices. I draw the line though at letting her break up my marriage. I am not willing to meet her. I do not want to get sucked back into her drama. She has written enough on Facebook and LinkedIn to confirm what my husband has said about the timeline.

[Jersey born raised]

I think you both are handling it well. I often hear (and roll my eyes) what does not destroy you makes you stronger. Yea right, I'll pass. In this case it might be true.

[merrmeade]

I think it would be a shame to leave this happy place without pointing out that this question has still not been answered: What pulled hubby back to THIS particular relationship when he needed a friend to talk to?

 

I'm sorry but none of the answers have made sense to me. Nor does it seem fair or accurate to place the entire blame on the ex-friend. After all, he contacted her. Rather, now that more is understood about how OP's childhood issues affected their marriage, to me it just seems more sad than anything and not so surprising. I think a lot of deep soul-baring and reflection is in order, but with a therapist.

 

What makes sense to me is that he and old friend had unfinished business that had started with the "flirty" business. What also makes sense (from all that OP has said) is that almost-WH's depression after "years without sex ... left him feeling" a lot more than just "unloved." In fact, maybe the last time he'd felt desirable was flirting with almost-OW, so - when his need felt great - he was pulled back there.

 

Maybe he doesn't realize it; maybe he does. Either way, we haven't heard from him what he was thinking and feeling. No offense, OP, but we only have your description of what he was feeling. It's not the same as hearing it from him. Not that we should. Just saying that we actually only know what YOU think he was feeling (which is all we ever know when anyone says anything).

 

I don't mean to be insensitive or disrespectful to all that you and your husband have gone through, but I think the fact that he contacted her instead of anyone else is BECAUSE of the sexual innuendos and suggestive remarks - whether he knows or admits it. That he came to you when the reconnection with your ex-friend got out of hand, however, is a testament to his decency and commitment, though also to how very sad and difficult things had become between you.

 

I also feel sure that he did not start out intending to betray you, but, whether he was unaware, unable or unwilling to admit it to himself, I believe that he chose to go to the 'friend' so that he might feel - not merely loved but - desirable again.

 

I hope you're still getting professional help with your issues, and I hope you and your husband are able to take some time for lots more talking.

Edited May 18, 2016 by merrmeade