What am I going through?

[nightskyreader]

First off, I am scum. I can admit that freely.

 

I have been married for 5+ years. I think the first time I started to fall out of love with my wife was during a time for about 2-3 years when I really needed her to help pay the bills. She was unemployed and apparently had no intentions of seeking work. We were getting deeper in debt, with me having to float loans and get a credit card or two. I asked her repeatedly to please get a job, and the conversations would eventually escalate into a fight. I would drop it for a while, then when the financial squeeze was on, it would repeat all over again. She would basically sit at home and play on the computer and watch TV. No kids to take care of. It might not have been so bad if I could have at least counted on coming home to a warm meal and a clean house daily, but I would still have to pick up most of the chores. I am a professional and this sort of laziness on the part of my wife was something I hadn't seen in her before. I can't tell you how dissapointed I was with her then, and the thought still bothers me: that I couldn't count on her when times were tough.

 

Now, things are better. I'm making enough money to handle the bills, but if I'm not careful she spends the money faster than I can make it. We are expecting our first baby very soon, and of all times for me to lose my fidelity, I have chosen the last few months to get involved in an affair with a woman at work, someone I have had a crush on for quite some time. She is in no better shape than I am, however, being married herself with kids even. This is her first affair as well, and we have proclaimed our strong love for each other, though we both know deep inside that nothing will probably become of it due to our marraiges.

 

I am particularly torn at this moment. I am in love with another woman, and am seriously doubting the strength of my marraige. To leave my wife for the mistress would be foolish, seeing as how she would probably be hesitant to do the same though she is probably looking for an excuse to leave her semi-abusive husband. However, even if not for the mistress, is the marraige even worth salvaging being as I'm obviously interested in someone other than my wife?

 

My wife is a sweet woman and we were friends years before we got married. I have no doubt she'll make a wonderful mother, but I can't help but look at her and see that woman who wasn't there for the household when she was needed most.

 

Do people in my situation fall "back in love" with their wives? Was my affair some biological response to me being a father-to-be, with me feeling some sense of entrapment? If so, why do I love this other woman so much?

 

I am really torn right now, and any objective opinions would be helpful.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Stop all contact with the other woman (at least for the moment), and get your behind to a marriage counselor FAST. Even if you're not ready to have your wife go with you, make sure you go.

[nightskyreader]

Thanks for the response, Jen. Fortunately, the OW is stronger than I am. She pretty much cut things off this morning. She said it was more for her own sanity however, being that I'm moving the family 400 miles away for a career move before too long- she didn't want a pointless, risky relationship to linger on. I miss her already, but she has a point.

 

Now, the OW is pretty much out of the picture. Marital counseling huh? I think that is a pretty good idea. I suppose I should go by myself, though funding that trip without my wife finding out about it will be difficult. She knows that things have been a little rough lately, but she thinks it is all due to job stress, the pregnancy, etc. I think she has no idea that I have even contemplated leaving. I wonder at what point should she be made aware of the situation, and to what extent? She is a legal, gun-toting citizen, and if I said I wasn't worried at all about getting shot, I would be lying. Shedding light on the whole affair thing might literally be a deathwish.

[Devildog]

Why do you feel you need to hide the counselling from your wife? Simply explain to her that you have some issues going on in your life that you want to deal with. If she pushes, tell her that you don't feel that you have been as good of a husband as you could be, and want to make some changes in your self to make things better for your marriage.

 

Eventually, you will have to come clean about the affair. But if you do some work to make the marriage stronger, you have a better chance of working through the infidelity together when it comes to light.

[XNemesisX]

I can understand your frustration at your wife. You may really be out of love with her. Was this a planned preganancy though? If it was you have strapped yourself down with her forever. You are so clearly out of love with her...but you must be staying because of the unborn child. This makes you far from being scum. I just don't understand why you want a child after you have known you lost feelings for her 2-3 years ago?

 

This must have been unplanned....

 

In any case you do need to go to counseling with her. But, I'm not sure I agree you should tell her about the affair. You might be better off taking that to your grave...

[nightskyreader]

Technically, it was planned, though I was beginning to doubt her ability to conceive (or mine). Sex was pretty infrequent, maybe once a month, if that, and we really weren't timing it to ovulation as we should have. We started trying probably a year before conception. At that point, I knew my feelings for her were dwindling (had been for some time), but I had never even imagined the D word (raised in a strong family- the D word is forbidden) so I was like "Hell, might as well have the kid. We're only getting older (in our 30's with her being several years my senior)." I think that it took the cute colleague to really nail the lid to the coffin, however, and make me finally realize that my current relationship is seriously lacking in passion and may be like that forever. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't be getting anyone pregnant. Nine months ago, however, my attitude was more like "Now or never", and I admit that I was a bit shocked at the news of the pregancy, again considering how infrequently we were doing it.

 

I don't regret the baby at all. Whatever happens, I'll love him and provide for him. Knowing me, I'll probably fall so madly in love with my son that I'll endure the dull relationship just so I can tuck him in every night.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by nightskyreader

I don't regret the baby at all. Whatever happens, I'll love him and provide for him. Knowing me, I'll probably fall so madly in love with my son that I'll endure the dull relationship just so I can tuck him in every night.

 

I respect you a lot for this statement

 

I just hate to see someone in a miserable relationship though. However, the child might improve the marriage. Your son may bring you two closer. If not, don't stay in an unhappy marriage because of children. It might seem like the right thing to do but it really isn't. Children pick up on these things. Your feelings matter also. I'm not saying to be selfish but your own happiness is also very important.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Passion is something that you need to maintain and create in a relationship. With marriage and time comes a sense of comfort, and passion can fade unless you actively work at creating it.

 

Right now you have a lot of questions on how to proceed. Posters here can offer support, but ultimately a licensed, trained professional is what you need to help you make your decisions.

 

I would suggest that you start by asking either your primary doctor or priest/reverend for a referral to a recommended therapist. Then tell your wife that you need to talk to this person because you want to make sure that you are working on your current issues of stress. Whether or not your wife becomes involved in your therapy will depend on your discussions with your therapist.

 

Just promise that you will get started right away. There is another person on the way who will be affected by your decisions, so please make sure that you get the guidance you need to make the right ones.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by nightskyreader

First off, I am scum. I can admit that freely.

 

Well, if you're here looking for help, you're not scum. Everyone makes mistakes. It's those who own up to them and try to fix them that make us different from the scum.

 

I am particularly torn at this moment. I am in love with another woman, and am seriously doubting the strength of my marraige. To leave my wife for the mistress would be foolish, seeing as how she would probably be hesitant to do the same though she is probably looking for an excuse to leave her semi-abusive husband.

 

I highly doubt you are in love. How long have you known this woman? How long did the affair go on? My guess is you are infatuated with this ow and are in fantasy land about what life would be like with her. Right now, this OW represents freedom and no responsibilites. Someone who you can live carefree with. Unfortunately, that's a fantasy, and real life always comes around. If you switched roles of the ow with your wife, you're still going to have the bills and hassles of everyday life.

 

However, even if not for the mistress, is the marraige even worth salvaging being as I'm obviously interested in someone other than my wife?

 

Right now, you havent even tried to salvage your marriage. Understandably, you have a LOT of resentment towards your wife for not supporting the family when she was needed the most. However, that was a time where you needed to get honest with each other and get help. I suspect you didnt explain to her the full gravity of her actions on you, either then, or now. To make a marriage work, you need to be honest and communicate with each other. It's not fair of you to build resentment towards her without telling her how you're feeling. This is where counselling will help you both. It will get you in touch with your real feelings and teach you to communicate with each other. Until you've tried every single avenue to save your marriage, I dont think it's fair for you to simply walk away, especially now that there's a child involved.

 

 

My wife is a sweet woman and we were friends years before we got married. I have no doubt she'll make a wonderful mother, but I can't help but look at her and see that woman who wasn't there for the household when she was needed most.

 

The fact that you can still see good things about your wife shows me that there is hope for this marriage. You have a lot of resentment towards her. You need to work on that and open up to her so that she fully understands how that made you feel and understand why she did it. She might not have realized the full affect, or she was going through her own depression. Things are not always what they seem. My stbxh and I both thought each other were perfectly happy in the marriage and each of us was dealing with our own sadness/depression alone. He built up a lot of resentment, and then simply left. It was either that, or he'd probably end up doing something really drastic. You have to work through your feelings because it wont get better if you just ignore them. Again, counselling will help.

 

Do people in my situation fall "back in love" with their wives? Was my affair some biological response to me being a father-to-be, with me feeling some sense of entrapment? If so, why do I love this other woman so much?

 

Stop all contact with the ow. You're not in love, you're simply infatuated. Work on your marriage. Do everything you possibly can. Once you can honestly say you've tried every avenue and you're still not happy, then you've earned your way out with dignity.

[nightskyreader]

Here's an update:

 

SURPRISE! Baby girl!! LOL just when you thought medicine was down to a science. I honestly don't know what the obstetrician was thinking. I mean, they were never saying with 100% certainty the gender, and I have no idea what they were seeing on the ultrasound. They were trying to show me what they thought were the gentalia, and I was scratching my head thinking "I don't see it". Anyway, she's beautiful and 100% normal (unlike her old man).

 

Another beast has reared it's ugly head: the in-laws. I had shucked out lots of money in the past to help out the folks, but there seems no end in sight unless I just put my foot down and cut off the cash flow. She has been sending out almost as much money to her family as we spend on our mortgage and car payment. That is really pinching our purse. I don't mind helping people, but I'm not a welfare service. We have discussed the matter very briefly, and she doesn't like it either but at this point she has no intention of stopping. Now, I'm the bread winner, but I've always hated the concept of the husband having "his" money, and giving his wife an "allowance" like she is some kind of damn kid. I may be forced to do that. Crap. This situation sucks.

 

I have not sought out counceling at this point. Shameful, but life has simply made it a difficult thing to arrange in the last few weeks.

 

The OW is still out of the picture. I think about her every day and miss her, but we have promised each other minimal contact. I can't relay to you the pain in my gut when I have to walk by her and limit myself to a nod, a wave, or a simple "Hello." Maybe she isn't out of the picture as much as she should be, or I should be.

 

The W and I had two short discussions about the situation (sans the OW). I told her that I felt the passion was gone in our relationship, and that things have changed. I was going to try counceling and she may go as well. I am so frustrated with her lack of financial responsibility. The attraction has diminished as well, and I am honestly worried about what will happen ina month or two after her OB clears her for sex. I feel almost ashamed to say this, but I really have no desire to have sex with her. She isn't a bad looking woman, but for me I have always needed the emotional attraction to accompany the physical attraction to really get into the mood.

 

To make matters even more complicated, our anniversary has snuck up on us both. I thought about having a night out with her, maybe go to a B&B for the night- something different- try to be romantic. Unfortunately, she is on a breast-feed only kick and she can't be away from the baby for more than a few hours. To further muddy the water, I got stuck working the whole weekend- nights, no less. Her attitude about it all was like "Bah, don't worry about it" and I am certain that is sincere. The problem is, that is what we ALWAYS do and if I'm not the one setting up something romantic and exciting, it doesn't happen. She is perfectly content to sit at home, eat, watch TV, and adore the baby. Some men might kick me in the ass and say she was the ideal woman, but again it is that lack of ambition, drive, motivation, taking initiative, whatever you call it, that bothers me more than anything. I am a go-getter; had to be to get where I am. Her contentment to sit on her ass is one of the things that has pushed us apart.

 

Damn, this was longer than I thought. The last thing I have to say is the thought of us not being together at this point bothers me solely because of my daughter. She is precious and I'm not sure if I want to be the kind of daddy who ups and leaves.