Lost in my marriage

[Stephlogan88]

I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 6. I think I'm ready to call it quits.

 

We haven't had the best marriage. 6 months after getting married he never came home from work one day. He decided he was done with me. We took about a 5 month break and decided to try it again. I ended up getting pregnant so we decided to really try and make it work. It was very rough. He was always on his phone. Found out he had a girlfriend in a different state and was thinking about moving there with our oldest child. Gave him the boot. After a couple months we tried again. This time we didn't live together again right away. He took our time and moved in together after about 7 months. Everything was going better than ever. We had a 3rd child together. Things were looking up. Both working and making our relationship work. Well he lost his job. This is where it all starts again.

 

About 6 months after he loses his job he starts to distance himself from me again. Always leaving me at home with the kids while he was gone for days. I was the only one that worked. He had one vehicle and he was always gone in it. Didn't matter where I hid keys he would find them. He was also getting a little on the abusive side a few times. But nothing has happened in the last 2 years. Now he don't do anything but play video games. Only helps in the house when we run out of clean dishes. The only housework he does. I'm stuck working 40+ hours a week on 3rd shift. No car having to walk and bus it to work. Come home to a dirty house and dirty kids. He hardly ever bathes them or at least change there clothes. No my job. So I get home at 10 have to bathe kids then feed lunch then I can go to bed for myb4 hours before my next 12 hour shift. While he plays video games. Even his friends notice his problem.

 

I am at my breaking point. I don't want our marriage to end but I don't see anything getting better and actually staying that way. Better for 6 months just ain't getting us nowhere anymore. I feel it's time we just divorce. I can't talk o him. He either won't talk or blows it allbout of context where all the blame is on me. I am lostband don't know where to start.

[Arieswoman]

Steph,

First of all I am very sorry you are in this position.

 

Secondly I would see a solicitor/lawyer/attorney and find out what you are entitles to if you divorce.

 

Good luck x

[Conclude]

You need to get him to individual counseling if it's a possibility. The house thing is understandable for so long, but the problem is he got into the habit of not doing anything. The kids not being clean is inexcusable though.

 

You might need to do some counseling together to get him to really see what you're going through and maybe gain some perspective on why he is behaving this way. It sounds like he is in a haze right now and might be suffering from depression. If you reach out and try to communicate with him and succeed and you are getting through, then it might be a good chance to work things out.

 

It sounds to me like he is having a nice(not really) little breakdown from losing his job. You need to pull him back to reality and show him that this **** isn't acceptable. More to come, but I have counseling soon.

[jenkins95]

Steph. Big (((hug))) to you.

 

I'm sure there's much more to him than this because all I know is what I read here, but to me he sounds like a complete loser - lazy, selfish and completely negligent of you and your needs. Whenever I hear of a grown adult who spends large amounts of time playing video games, my eyes roll. Anyone over about 16 who counts a Playstation as one of their most important possessions has an issue with immaturity in my opinion.

 

Is he at least a good friend, fun, a good husband, a good father, a good lover? Does he regret his affair and are you confident it would never happen again?

 

If there are more "No"s than "Yes"s to the above, I would look to move on. I know the prospect of divorce is very stressful and upsetting, but you have tried very hard already and have repeatedly had it thrown back at you. You know you deserve so much better. You can and should expect so much better from life.

 

As you don't want the marriage to end, how about pulling out all the stops in a last ditch effort to save things? Can you get anyone to watch the kids? How about a weekend away just the two of you where you spell it all out for him and let him know how unhappy you are. Let him know that you love him and want to make it work, but that you can't take much more of the current situation. You never know, maybe the prospect of actually losing you will knock some sense into him?

 

Wishing you all the very best of luck. Keep posting Steph, we are here.

 

J

[DevastatedDiva]

Hug. Please get a divorce xxx

[Conclude]

Ok, so I just wanted to continue where I left off.

 

If you are serious about wanting to fix things, coming from the male perspective, I just wanted to make sure you approached it tactfully and limit the escalation into an argument. Just try and get the cold hard facts onto the table for him, and approach it from what you are, a concerned and disheartened spouse. Stay calm and collected and take a break if things start to escalate.

 

In your relationship, were you invalidating his opinions and actions in the past? If intimacy has dropped off, was it due to building resentment or environmental circumstances? Could it be recovered? You guys were working past the issues, but losing the job for him triggered your troubles now. Some guys need to withdraw and spend time sorting themselves out, but they should always come back. I don't mean this as going out and screwing other people, but more taking the time to fix problems on a personal level. It sounds like he withdrew, and then stayed distanced without realizing it.

 

Y'all have three kids together, though, and if you can work it out and be happy, then you should try at least. He shouldn't be taking the car out and leaving you stranded though. He should make an effort to take care of the kids as well. He probably thinks he is due this downtime to sort out the issues, but now it sounds like it has reached an inappropriate amount of downtime and can't see it for himself.

 

A lot of these things just sound like crappy life circumstances driving you apart (aside from the affair). When my wife and I went to marriage counseling the first time we had major issues, the main thing they stressed was that sometimes one spouse takes on more work than the other, and vice versa. Additionally, sometimes in a marriage one spouse becomes confused and lost, and it's up to the other spouse to work solo for the marriage in an attempt to pull them back from the edge. He might come around, or he might not, but as long as you can say you tried your damnedest it'll help you personally in the end. Just don't put yourself in a stage of denial if it really is that bad.

 

Still though, it seems like being in a stressful environment long enough through life can really split a marriage up. This is what I'm dealing with, and when the going gets hard, sometimes you might not be able to come back together. I would say since you still have a shred of hope for maintaining your marriage, you should leave divorce as the last resort after exhausting all other options. At the end of the day though, it takes two to wanna fix it. Good luck, and keep your dignity about you!