Financially Irresponsible Fiancé - and we're in debt!

[loveboid]

I'm sorry he will likely not grow out of it.

 

You could try getting him to watch and listen to Dave Ramsey. I believe men take advice better from other men.

 

Good luck.

[beatcuff]

Ahhh... to be old, jaded, and cynical. Knowing exactly what's going to happen in the future. So much knowledge and experience there, poisoned by the ravages of pain and time. lol.

 

i maybe old and maybe jaded and maybe cynical but that does not change that money is far and away the biggest killer of marriages. actually not money but differing approaches to it.

 

OP is ALREADY resentful, so you don't need too much wisdom to figure this one out.

 

but it's not my life, you/OP can use the next 10 years or so recreating the wheel.

[Cherryz]

Finance is one of the reasons that brings many stress and aslo result in divorce sometimes.

 

Its good that you are concerned about this and see it now.

Because marriage will not solve any issues. So its now that you have to take care of it.

Not everyone learned to deal with money. And he sound immature about fiances.

If this is not solved you better not marry.

Stop try to convince him, and just explain to him why this is important.

Also maybe to also see his commitment make a goal together that in this and that time period both of you should be debt free. If not there wont be a marriage!

 

And set a plan of how much will go to debt each month and as last how much you got to spent on bikes and fun stuff.

So you can enter your marriage debt free also. Since kids will cost more also.

So that may add more new debt.

 

You not his mom. At some point he will have to take responsibility rather its with you or single or with someone else.

So you can only do so much.

If he dont men up in this he will drive your home in poverty.

[Poutrew]

Ahhh... to be old, jaded, and cynical. Knowing exactly what's going to happen in the future. So much knowledge and experience there, poisoned by the ravages of pain and time. lol

 

 

This is exactly why I am searching for the secret to immortality. I want to work out until I'm in good shape, and find it while I'm young enough to be good looking and semi-optimistic for the rest of my life.

 

Through the use of advanced DNA manipulation techniques and years of research, I finally created the 'Money Tree' . It is a fig tree whose leaves actually resemble $100 dollar bills. Then the treasury stepped in and confiscated all my trees and burned them, and gave me 20 to life for creating them-- OK, how did I know that people would actually try passing off the leaves as real money? The treasury was alerted when merchants called them up to complain about all their money drying up after only a few days unless they put it in a glass of water... When I get out of the pokey I will create Immortality... unless I have already died by then...

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I really like the idea you mentioned of pre-marriage financial counseling. It would be very helpful for you to bring an educated, impartial third-party into this.

 

Sure, it sounds lame and boring, and your BF might be stubborn and resistant...but you've gotta emphasize that it's critical. Tell him you're not comfortable entering a marriage before you two get more on the same page financially.

 

And if he whines about it, I think a good comeback is, "You think I'm excited about this? There are many other ways I'd like to spend my time, too, but I know this is important enough that we have to do it."

 

It's likely that whoever mentors you guys is going to give your BF some cold, hard truths about his spending habits and his debt. It's important that he hears that from someone other than you.

[Tayla]

Back in the day, paying cash was king.

 

His investments are for his pleasure. He doesn't sound irresponsible in that way.

 

I draw the line on telling another human being who earns money how to spend it. I also draw the line in telling them that I will bail them out. Doesn't sound he has "forgotten" to pay the rent or utilities. He has shown some responsibility in the priorities.

 

A college mate studying finance often suggested that "marital" couples have separate savings and financial portfolios. I tend to consider that a wise way to manage ones's future financial goals.

 

Consider a day to meet a financial advisor, they can address or suggest ways for you both to manage your funds. Sometimes a third party can shed light on ways to achieve these goals.

[S2B]

Its a daily - lifetime of worry being with a partner that's this detrimental financially.

 

It causes resentments - which kill any amount of love that's present.

 

My exH used to buy shoes at $700 a pair - then tell me I couldn't buy even groceries for two weeks or three - you think that didn't make me flaming mad?

 

When one half of the whole is being an idiot - it causes extreme anger - and there's no way to find the happiness within the relationship!

 

He would also buy expensive jewelry for me. While wearing it I couldn't even enjoy that - because I knew I would have to go without basic essentials because he had just overspent.

 

Honestly, it's just easier to live without someone who puts me at financial risk. I spend - but I am sure I have the disposable income BEFORE I hand over money. That's just being smart and responsible.

 

As a side note - it's difficult to respect another person who doesn't spend wisely - and that affects how much I can love a person too. If I don't respect them then I really can't love them very much.

[stillyoung]

My ex and I were on the same page financially. (We had other issues, which is why he is an ex...) But that part of our life, there were basically few issues. We planned for a house together, but first we believed we should pay off school loans, so we did. We decided together about buying cars, and we both agreed we should avoid loans and only buy lesser models that we could afford in cash. Vacations were the same way. It was very satisfying to be able to make those kind of joint decisions together.

 

 

Not saying that is everything of course, because we did have our issues, but when we separated we could both go our own ways and be Ok. I have had friends that were forced to stay together because they (or the spouse) couldn't afford to live on their own, or one got pushed into bankruptcy because of the other's debts. Not fun.

[Miss Peach]

I'm sorry he will likely not grow out of it.

 

This was my thought too. Money is often a cause for divorce so really thing twice IMO since your management styles are so different. This likely will never change.

 

I used to be married to someone like your FI. Alone his spending and constant wanting for bigger and better wasn't enough for me to file for divorce. But post divorce I am such a better place without him. He never changed. We were on a treadmill or in a hole financially no matter what I did. He still lives paycheck to paycheck buying all the same shiny new objects he did before. I have saved money.

[AMarriedMan]

Its a daily - lifetime of worry being with a partner that's this detrimental financially.

 

It causes resentments - which kill any amount of love that's present.

 

My exH used to buy shoes at $700 a pair - then tell me I couldn't buy even groceries for two weeks or three - you think that didn't make me flaming mad?

 

When one half of the whole is being an idiot - it causes extreme anger - and there's no way to find the happiness within the relationship!

 

He would also buy expensive jewelry for me. While wearing it I couldn't even enjoy that - because I knew I would have to go without basic essentials because he had just overspent.

 

Honestly, it's just easier to live without someone who puts me at financial risk. I spend - but I am sure I have the disposable income BEFORE I hand over money. That's just being smart and responsible.

 

As a side note - it's difficult to respect another person who doesn't spend wisely - and that affects how much I can love a person too. If I don't respect them then I really can't love them very much.

 

True words. I'm sorry you've had to go through that.

 

My wife and I also have different kinds of financial personalities. I'm a saver. I value financial security, efficiency and focusing on what matters most. I have strong future time orientation. My wife is somewhat of a spendthrift but not an extreme case like some people's spouses described in this thread. She rarely buys expensive and unnecessary items. (She did once pressure me into agreeing to buy a home together at a time when it was not smart for us to buy that place. I liked the place, too, but we had to move because of work after only two years, which I saw was the most probable scenario at that time.) What my wife tends to do is not watch her spending and fail to save for necessary big ticket items or occasional large expenditures, resulting in high interest debt that has to be painstakingly chipped away month by month. She is one of those people who love discounts without realizing that the best deal would often be to not buy at all. Also, she is loath to plan several years ahead based on estimated likelihoods of various scenarios. My wife also tends to sometimes whine about why we don't have this or that or why we don't go on expensive vacations like some other people all the time. When I suggest tracking our spending and making a budget, she flat out refuses.

 

It is very likely that if I had remained single, I would own my own place now with no mortgage and have a modest investment portfolio providing some passive income to help me survive through tough times. I would be much, much less stressed over money. Ditto, had I married someone with similar tendencies.

 

Western culture leaves young and inexperienced people completely on their own devices when it comes to one of the most important decisions in life, namely choosing a marital partner. Many a tragic outcome could possibly be avoided if our culture did a better job educating young people about what to pay attention to when choosing a serious relationship partner. There is so much collective wisdom and scientific knowledge out there untapped. Most online dating or matchmaking services are completely clueless about what really matters. People wouldn't necessarily even have to sacrifice any chemistry if there were a reliable method to screen for those people we should avoid. No contact, no chemistry.

Edited May 19, 2016 by AMarriedMan