Relationship on verge of ending due to her mom

[aguy80]

Just for the record, we are both in our 30's so I do not appear to be some teen love crisis story lol. We have been together almost 10 years this year so I do not consider us dating anymore and seeing that we have been living pretty much like a married couple...well, that is until the mom from hell showed up. Sorry if this is a long post but let me explain.

 

Her mum pretty much has no responsibility and just lives with different people until they get tired of her dirty, lazy ways. To make a very long story short, I let her stay with us FOUR times and on each occasion had to throw her out because it became unbearable to deal with her in our home. She is around 55yrs old but thinks she is in her 20's, so she was bringing guys over, drinking, partying at bars, etc. and the last time she lived with us, had a guy stay too and said they were going to find jobs that same week and move on since they had already looked at an apartment....NOT!!! My fiancee and I work most of the time and are not used to this wild lifestyle and I think this is the reason she stayed with me although her mum told her she would not talk to her again if she was with me.

 

Well that was about 2 years ago and about 2 months ago she shows up on facebook telling her that she is the only family she has and wants to be her mom again. So they start talking on the phone. Apparently mum is living with some trucker who lets her use his spare room until she can get her life together... wow not surprised.

 

Well now my fiancee BARELY talks to me and spends anywhere from 1 to SIX hours a day talking to her mom (6hrs on her day off when I'm at work). I recently looked at her phone and saw some texts from this old homewrecker saying that I am a loony person she needs better and texts about they both need to pack up and run away to california and that I am just wasting her time if I have not married her yet....

 

Tonight we got into a big arguement and I let it all out and told her how pissed I was about the texts and long calls based on the fact that she no longer calls me or texts me from work, etc. but is stuck on her mum and we barely talk anymore cos its all about mum. She said I was right and that her mum does not like me and she will eventually move out from MY house....

 

In all honesty I am very upset from this...after almost 10 years she decided her loser mom is her best bet. I just have this feeling her mum is doing this to show me that I will pay for throwing her out and not letting her live here for free and sleep with men, etc...

 

One thing I did not point out, when I first met my fiancee, she had not talked to her mom in years. I later found out this was because her mom had caused lots of problems in the rest of the family's relationships etc. and also threw my fiance out of her house once because she had some man coming over... I remember telling my fiancee its a good thing you dont have to see her again and she agreed....

 

I am not sure at this point what to do as far as my fiancee goes... I cannot believe how things have changed this past months One of my main concerns is the fact I suffered from severe depression in the past and I hope it does not come back again if this really turns for the worse and I end up being alone....

 

Funny thing is, when I tell MY mom about this ordeal, she says to try and work it out and try to win my fiancee over from her mom... How can I win a losing battle? I should not have to WIN my fiancee over!!!

Edited May 16, 2016 by aguy80

[TaraMaiden2]

Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end.

Looks like you've reached the final chapter...

 

Your fiancée has already told you (1) her mother does not like you and (2) she intends to move out of your place.

I suggest you give her a helping hand to start packing.

 

Then, if she protests, point out to her that it was SHE who said she would be moving out so - no time like the present!

If she argues that she has nowhere to go, she should have thought of that before threatening.

What - she threatens to move out, but you're supposed to sit there patiently while she gets her act together?

 

She "forced" this on you.

If she wants things to change or improve - she's the one who has to do it....

[basil67]

Hopefully you can keep depression at bay if you can be strong in the knowledge that moving on is what you have to do. And let's be clear - the problem here isn't your fiance's mother - it's your fiance and her lack of boundaries with her mother.

 

It's a ****ty situation all around. But ultimately your fiance has said she'll leave - so give her the old heave ho.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes; if you fear depression is likely, make contingency plans now. Yoga can work wonders, btw....

[NTV]

Stick to your guns here man!

[Whoknew30]

You're trying to compete with the woman that gave birth to her. I don't care how her mom is, it's her mom! If you can't handle this how would you handle a woman that's extremely close to her mom? You've been used to this girl not having that & now that's it's not all about you, you're upset. I have the worst mother in law in history & I would never put my husband in a position for him to pick. You're gf doesn't have the problem, you do & you're going to lose her not bc her mom but bc you're too possessive. That's why your mom is telling you to work it out bc she knows you're the one in the wrong.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're trying to compete with the woman that gave birth to her. I don't care how her mom is, it's her mom! If you can't handle this how would you handle a woman that's extremely close to her mom? You've been used to this girl not having that & now that's it's not all about you, you're upset. I have the worst mother in law in history & I would never put my husband in a position for him to pick. You're gf doesn't have the problem, you do & you're going to lose her not bc her mom but bc you're too possessive. That's why your mom is telling you to work it out bc she knows you're the one in the wrong.

 

^^ I almost completely disagree. ^^

[Whoknew30]

^^ I almost completely disagree. ^^

 

His own mother (the woman that probably knows him best) disagrees with you.

[Phoebe]

We have been together almost 10 years this year so I do not consider us dating anymore and seeing that we have been living pretty much like a married couple.

 

I recently looked at her phone and saw some texts from this old homewrecker saying that I am a loony person she needs better and texts about they both need to pack up and run away to california and that I am just wasting her time if I have not married her yet....

 

In all honesty I am very upset from this...after almost 10 years she decided her loser mom is her best bet. How can I win a losing battle? I should not have to WIN my fiancee over!!!

 

10 years is a long time to be together and not married. It may not be so much about your Fiancé choosing her mother over you, rather her mother may be highlighting issues in your relationship that have been bothering your Fiancé for some time. How long ago did you propose to her? Does she want children? If so what kind of timeframe is she hoping for? Are there any other issues in your relationship.

 

It sounds to me that your Fiancés mother is manipulating her to leave you to improve the mother's own life. However, I would not lay all the blame on the mother, your Fiancé was not talking to her mother for up to 6 hours in a day because she was 100% happy in her relationship with you. The question is are these issues fixable and are you willing to try to fix them?

[TaraMaiden2]

His own mother (the woman that probably knows him best) disagrees with you.

 

I don't know how you managed to construe your opinion from that, but, if you want to get creative with your hypotheticals, be my guest.

Seems to me you've disregarded his entire post but for that one comment.

[Whoknew30]

I don't know how you managed to construe your opinion from that, but, if you want to get creative with your hypotheticals, be my guest.

Seems to me you've disregarded his entire post but for that one comment.

 

Really bc you misread in your first post...fiancé mom told her to leave, he never said the fiancé said she was going to leave. So what the mother isn't a good person, it's still her mom. He's checking his fiancé phone records to see how long she's talking to her own mom & fighting bc he doesn't want her talking to her own mom why he's working? Then says he suffers from depression & his mom is telling him to try harder. None of this sounds one hit the fiancé problem. He doesn't like the mom & now making the fiancé pay for it.

[elaine567]

Funny thing is, when I tell MY mom about this ordeal, she says to try and work it out and try to win my fiancee over from her mom... How can I win a losing battle? I should not have to WIN my fiancee over!!!

 

Lots of things we shouldn't have to do in this life but we have to do them anyway.

Your gf is now getting all her emotional support, not from you, but from her mother. YOU may not like the mother, you may disagree with the mother's lifestyle or her behaviour or her ways but she is still your gfs Mom.

 

You managed previously to split them up, but that is not healthy, she only gets one Mom and no matter how insecure or uncomfortable you feel, you have to accept that.

How would you feel if she hated your Mom and didn't allow you access to her, or she threw your Mom out of the house?

Her loyalties were to you at that time, but blood IS thicker than water and now she is enjoying spending time with her Mom again.

 

I guess her Mom is full of interesting stories and anecdotes and is entertaining. Are you entertaining? Maybe you need to get back to the guy who she fell in love with not the ogre, dissing her mother all the time and checking up on her phone records.

 

You either get on board here and try to make peace with the Mom or you say good-bye to your gf.

YOU may think you are somewhat "married" anyway but I doubt your gf sees it that way and neither does her mother and that will bond them together and it will serve to keep you out of the loop too.

 

Your gf is now in a team with her Mom and if you stay out and act angry, aggressive or sulky, YOU will be seen as the enemy.

You cannot "win" this battle here and oust the mother from both your lives, without making your gf miserable and I presume that is NOT your aim. You need to emotionally connect back with your gf and that is not going to be achieved by taking pot shots at her mother.

 

So the only solution here is what your mother said, and it is for you to try to make a happy team out of you, your gf and her Mom.

[NTV]

I thought about this more and had some other thoughts I thought I could share that may help you... please think of these as independent thoughts:

 

 

 

 

If I had a daughter engaged to a guy for a decade with no wedding bells in the future, I'd be telling her to haul a** too. So yeah man, you've got that against you.

 

 

As far as winning your fiancé over, and how you shouldn't have to... her mom probably feels the same way. So yeah, that's working against you too.

 

 

 

 

----BUT---

 

 

Your description of her mother is of a woman that shirks responsibility, isn't stable, etc. There's a big chance that your fiancé is cut from that same cloth. And her letting you know she's leaving may actually just be you dodging a bullet.

 

 

You know in the movies where someone is in the road and someone else jumps in and pushes them out of the way before getting hit by a bus/car/train/whatever? Well that person that got pushed... the first thing they realize is that "hey! WTH! Someone just f'ing pushed me!!!" and who likes being pushed? That's usually the basis for a fistfight, right? It's only after that reaction and they see the vehicle that would have hit them and that their lives were saved does that feeling go away....

 

 

and what I'm getting at here is that it is very likely that is what's happening here and you not wanting to let your fiancé go is the 'hey! wth!' reaction.

[big dog]

Stand you ground...don't give in. If you do she ("they") will use you from now on. If she sees you mean business she may leave for a while but she'll figure it all out soon. Unless that's what she really wanted anyway and is just looking for an excuse.

[aguy80]

Hello everyone, sorry for taking so long to get back here but life has been extremely hectic for me with work, etc. But, wow the replies are great here.

 

To update, we are still together and it's still a roller coaster ride, unfortunately. One comment that caught my attention here is where someone mentioned my fiancee is probably the same as her mom or close... in all honesty, she was very close to being like her. We are talking about someone who was not really raised correctly. More or less neglected because mom wanted a man in her bed and did not care. Always blaming the world for misfortunes and basically trying, yes TRYING to wreck happy homes. I wondered why her WHOLE family disowned the mom...until I witnessed it.

 

Fast forward, I basically thought my fiancee how to be a RESPECTABLE person, heck how to boil water basically. She has come a loooong way and it makes me happy in that sense.

 

BUT, that was before rebel-biker "back from hell" mom showed up...

 

Yes, I am still fighting this battle...I am to a point of giving up this very moment... I feel I just can't do it anymore with her. Feel like I'd rather be alone than fight this battle with a b*tch of a woman who can't stand to see ANYONE happy because she ruined her life, got old and now has absolutely NOTHING. Just for the record, she has been with a "few" men in the past few months mostly so she could have somewhere to sleep cos she prefers not to work and support herself... funny thing is my fiancee is the opposite of that...well maybe until they day I go...

 

Thanks for the replies. I will update sometimes in the future...

[BettyDraper]

You're trying to compete with the woman that gave birth to her. I don't care how her mom is, it's her mom! If you can't handle this how would you handle a woman that's extremely close to her mom? You've been used to this girl not having that & now that's it's not all about you, you're upset. I have the worst mother in law in history & I would never put my husband in a position for him to pick. You're gf doesn't have the problem, you do & you're going to lose her not bc her mom but bc you're too possessive. That's why your mom is telling you to work it out bc she knows you're the one in the wrong.

 

When someone marries, their spouse becomes top priority. Allegiance must shift from parents to the spouse or else a marriage has no chance of surviving. Those who cannot bear to separate from parents are not mature enough for marriage.

 

My husband never has to choose between his mother and I because he automatically puts his wife first. I do the same for my husband because he is my partner for life. We cannot marry our parents so why should we choose them over being happy with our partners like adults? If someone continually chooses her parents over her partners, eventually her parents will die and she will have nobody.

 

Choosing a toxic parent over a spouse is indicative of deeper psychological issues. My husband and I both have mothers who are narcissistic and cruel. We have no reason to put our mothers ahead of each other since all they do is hurt us.

[Whoknew30]

When someone marries, their spouse becomes top priority. Allegiance must shift from parents to the spouse or else a marriage has no chance of surviving. Those who cannot bear to separate from parents are not mature enough for marriage.

 

My husband never has to choose between his mother and I because he automatically puts his wife first. I do the same for my husband because he is my partner for life. We cannot marry our parents so why should we choose them over being happy with our partners like adults? If someone continually chooses her parents over her partners, eventually her parents will die and she will have nobody.

 

Choosing a toxic parent over a spouse is indicative of deeper psychological issues. My husband and I both have mothers who are narcissistic and cruel. We have no reason to put our mothers ahead of each other since all they do is hurt us.

 

First it's not his spouse. So let's say something happens to girlfriend, he's not legally even first of kin, her mother would be.

 

2nd, if the mother's life isn't affecting him personally, than he's sticking his nose where it plainly doesn't belong.

 

3rd. Her parents can die but your missing you can also be divorced or breakup. Relationships may not be forever but your parents will ALWAYS be your parents. Nothing can can he that.

 

4th. Just bc someone loves & respects their parents & want to see them doesn't mean " they can't cut the cord" it means they love them & a spouse to be upset about that is ridiculous. Also the term "respect your parents" doesn't end bc one gets married.

 

5th. Being an adult is realizing not everyone comes from a crappy family. You come from a bad mother so that's how you think. Not everyone has, what if your H came from a great family...things would have been different.

 

This kind of thinking is why the family structure in America is dying. So if you have kids, all you've done is teach them that family doesn't mean anything Once you get married. Not a great lesson to teach if you want a strong family...to disrespect the people that gave you life or disrespect the people that gave life to your spouse life bc "we're grown ups".

[BettyDraper]

First it's not his spouse. So let's say something happens to girlfriend, he's not legally even first of kin, her mother would be.

 

2nd, if the mother's life isn't affecting him personally, than he's sticking his nose where it plainly doesn't belong.

 

3rd. Her parents can die but your missing you can also be divorced or breakup. Relationships may not be forever but your parents will ALWAYS be your parents. Nothing can can he that.

 

4th. Just bc someone loves & respects their parents & want to see them doesn't mean " they can't cut the cord" it means they love them & a spouse to be upset about that is ridiculous. Also the term "respect your parents" doesn't end bc one gets married.

 

5th. Being an adult is realizing not everyone comes from a crappy family. You come from a bad mother so that's how you think. Not everyone has, what if your H came from a great family...things would have been different.

 

This kind of thinking is why the family structure in America is dying. So if you have kids, all you've done is teach them that family doesn't mean anything Once you get married. Not a great lesson to teach if you want a strong family...to disrespect the people that gave you life or disrespect the people that gave life to your spouse life bc "we're grown ups".

 

If family is so important, then the family we create when we marry should not be put below parents. Being an adult means not clinging to our parents like little children. I've known plenty of people who come from lovely families and they are still grown up enough to realize that they can't keep running to Mommy and Daddy for approval. That's where conflicts with in-laws come from-the inability for parents of adult children to let go. Parents should not be a negative influence in their adult children's marriages.

 

I know a man who is very unhappy because he's nearly 50 and he's single and childless. One of the reasons for his situation is he is still afraid of his mother. She enjoys intimidating his girlfriends and badgering her enmeshed son into dumping them if they don't kiss up to her enough. By your ridiculous logic, that man is doing the right thing by "respecting" his mother enough to let her sabotage his love life. Would you have the same beliefs if your husband's parents told him to dump you when you cheated on him?

 

A live in girlfriend or boyfriend can be considered a common law spouse in many states, provinces and countries. Look it up.

 

Ever hear of that Bible passage regarding "leaving and cleaving"? Maybe you should read it since you seem to have very traditional views about family. You might learn something.

Edited August 12, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Whoknew30]

If family is so important, then the family we create when we marry should not be put below parents. Being an adult means not clinging to our parents like little children. I've known plenty of people who come from lovely families and they are still grown up enough to realize that they can't keep running to Mommy and Daddy for approval. That's where conflicts with in-laws come from-the inability for parents of adult children to let go. Parents should not be a negative influence in their adult children's marriages.

 

I know a man who is very unhappy because he's nearly 50 and he's single and childless. One of the reasons for his situation is he is still afraid of his mother. She enjoys intimidating his girlfriends and badgering her enmeshed son into dumping them if they don't kiss up to her enough. By your ridiculous logic, that man is doing the right thing by "respecting" his mother enough to let her sabotage his love life. Would you have the same beliefs if your husband's parents told him to dump you when you cheated on him?

 

A live in girlfriend or boyfriend can be considered a common law spouse in many states, provinces and countries. Look it up.

 

Ever hear of that Bible passage regarding "leaving and cleaving"? Maybe you should read it since you seem to have very traditional views about family. You might learn something.

 

 

Why does it have to be one or the other?...IMO to even think that way is childish. Why does a spouse have to "choose", what is the difference between going out with friends & or going & spending time with your mother? Like I said some of us come from strong close families which teaches to have that with you're own family. Some people respect their parent opinion & their spouses...only a narcissist would think "me or them" well or someone that's extremely insecure to think that a close relationship with a parent (the same parent that raises your spouse that you feel I love with) would damage their marriage just bc they're close. In my family were all close, including my H with my parents.

 

That bible passage still doesn't take away "respect thou parents"...which is an actual commandment.

[Popsicle]

So when ARE you marrying her?