Is it needy if I don't move away and try to work things out with my ex?

[RomanticDreams]

i had all these grand plans to move interstate for work opportunities but then I broke up with my ex. I stupidly thought that I'd be fine with the whole break up but it has made me realise how much she means to me and how much I love her. The breakup was a huge shock to her. I had been really stressed up until the point of the breakup, so wasn't thinking very clearly at that moment.

 

I am truly remorseful for my actions and have put off plans to move in the interim to try and restart our relationship. Would this be viewed as being needy?

 

I hurt her deeply and am currently in no contact mode just to let all the emotions settle down for both of us.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't need her but I know that I will have regrets if I don't attempt to patch things up. I want to be with her.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, whats' more important to you:

 

1) Possibly appearing "needy" (though I don't think you will, as you were the dumper)

 

or

 

2) Having a chance at winning her back?

 

Your ego should not be more important here. If you want a shot, reach out to her. Put your hat in your hand and apologize, sincerely and in person. If she is open to talking to you, explain that you would like another chance.

 

But a few questions: why exactly did you break up with her? And how long ago? How long were you together? And what can you do to assure her the problems that led to the break-up are resolved?

[bathtub-row]

I wonder the same thing too -- why did you break up with her? And my next question is why was she shocked by it? Did you not express to her previously that there were big issues between the two of you that needed to be worked out? It always concerns me when someone says their former partner was shocked that things fell apart. If they're genuinely shocked and not just ignoring the obvious signs, then I have to wonder why the problems weren't discussed before the break up.

 

If you stay and try to work things out with her, you had better be certain that you really want her back. You will also probably have to give up your plans to move because it's doubtful that she'd go anywhere with you after you suddenly dumped her.

[Raina314]

Reach out. You've got nothing to lose, and if she was shocked and hurt it would probably mean the world to her to hear that you're sorry and realize that you were wrong. You won't seem needy.

[Simon Phoenix]

Since you were the one to break up with her, it's up to you to do the heavy lifting to get her back. Part of that could involve looking "needy". But yeah, before you proceed with this, you have to make sure that this is something you really want and are willing to stay with from the jump. If you are having pangs due to loneliness/lack of options and just want a warm body for sex and support, then keep moving on. That's not fair to her and it's not good for you.

 

And I agree with bathtub-row, if you see this through then forget about moving for work. Any trust she would have had to move with you has been shattered.

[RomanticDreams]

I met up with her two days after breaking up and tried to tell her that I had made a mistake. However, I think she was still trying to process everything because it seemed like she had a huge brick wall up and was being emotionally shut off from me. When I broke up with her, she was emotionally shaken and it was a huge surprise to her. A total 180 degree change. She's the most sweetest, caring and compassionate girl that I've known, so it was a bit out of character for her to be rather indifferent and so quickly after the breakup.

 

I opened up my heart and cried at the end of it. If we were still together, I'm sure she'd be consoling me deeply but in that moment it seemed like she was very indifferent, but not in a cruel way. We agreed to take a break and reconvene at a later, defined date at the end of this month. However, I caved and messaged her about three days in, telling her how I had made my mind up and that I wanted to be with her and work through it with her. Her response had the same kind of indifferent but not cruel tonality, saying that she was ready to move on. I haven't been in touch with her since (two weeks ago now).

 

I broke up with her because I thought if I was moving, it wouldn't work out. I had been so busy stressing out about life that I had forgotten to take care of myself and my emotional wellbeing and hence I couldn't sense the end result happening; I had been neglecting my social life/friends too, which is something I have rediscovered and appreciate on a much more meaningful level.

 

At the moment I don't want to move at all and I definitely know that I have made a huge mistake. Because I was so emotionally withdrawn from myself, I couldn't completely give myself to her during the last few months, and I thought it was the connection between us, but in reality it was the connection I was having with myself that felt a bit lost. Now that I've had some time to reflect on things, I realise that I didn't have to move, but it was something that I had built up in my mind that 'I had to do', when in reality, I have many other options when it comes to progressing my career.

 

The day after I broke up with her, I just knew that I had made a mistake - it was a huge wakeup call for me to get in touch with my emotions. I'm not interested in meeting other women, because my heart is yearning for her.

 

I know that I owe it to myself to try and start something new with her. She was so into me, but I was too blinded to see that I was in to her just as much. I am truly remorseful for causing pain, not only to her, but to myself as well.

 

When I am emotionally ready, I want to show her that guy that she first fell in love with, someone whom I had lost touch with, but am slowly but surely becoming again.

 

When I reach out to her again, I don't know whether I should do it in a letter or just keep things light hearted?

Edited May 18, 2016 by RomanticDreams

[PrettyEmily77]

Her response had the same kind of indifferent but not cruel tonality, saying that she was ready to move on. I haven't been in touch with her since (two weeks ago now).

 

She may very well mean the bolded, OP.

 

Also, she still hasn't reached out to you in the last couple of weeks, after you had made your intentions very clear - you can do what you like OP, but I don't think you should count your chickens.

 

Seems like she picked up on the fact you have, by your own admission, been fairly self-absorbed and haven't really taken her feelings into account much in your thought process. She may be wary of a repeat performance at a later stage, which would be totally understandable.

 

Reach out in whatever format is more comfortable to you (ie don't overthink it) but be prepared for the fact that she has in fact moved on.

 

Good luck either way, OP.

[Jayyy]

dude you messed up and now you want her back and you're worried about your image??? screw your ego and fight for her. i'm glad you met up with her and poured your heart out.

i think maybe you shouldn't message her for awhile. maybe a month or so? things are pretty emotional and there is tension so give it time to cool down on your and her side. being too emotional isn't going to help you.

give it time. i hope things work out for you