Flakey dude to drop now or wait for our date and decide after?

[kztar]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been sort of talking to this guy who is very attractive, he has a good job, education and seemed like a pretty good catch at first. Now, not so much.

 

Here is the problem, this guy is coming of as a FLAKEY person and i've given him the benefit of the doubt but im not sure that he deserves this. At this point im considering not even entertaining talking to him.

 

I met him back in January a week post my terrible breakup and though he was attractive but I mean, I was looking for a distraction from my ex. Well, after hanging out a few times he ghosted and I honestly didn't care. Forgot about the guy until recently a few days after my birthday he came back in the picture but clearly i've been hesitant because he's already ghosted once and I don't have time for that.

 

Well, he reached out to me through snapchat and claimed that his phone broke and that he was too busy with work and that't what happened. We met up again and things went well for a few days until I started noticing some red flags.

 

1)I noticed he has a very bad temper and likes being in control

 

2)Looks like there is no balance when he talks to me or girls, he goes from one extreme to the next overnight. He will call me 15 times a day, including when im at work and text and then he will go to not calling or texting at all.

 

2)He's an NYPD officer so he works overnight in a really active area. The other day he arrested someone and got into a fight with this civilian and the civilian bit him. Turns out he had to go to the hospital. He called me at 6:30 AM to tell me he was in the hospital. (This bugged me a little because im not his gf, no need to call me THAT early). I responded and asked him if he was okay and so on. A few hours later he calls me and says "you'd be a bad girlfriend, you didn't even call me last night while I was working to check on me". This pissed me off but I didn't say much to him because I just don't feel like starting drama with someone I barely know.

 

3)Told me he is revengeful, will always get someone back if he is mad. He is 30 years old, so I don't understand his logic. I asked him some examples and he said that he would tell his gf or whoever to get dressed up and then leave her hanging after she's spent all that time getting ready. A few other examples of mean things like this.

 

4)Says he refused to answer questions to his ex gf because he didn't feel like reporting to her when he came home. He liked going out to party and come home at 8am and just tell her he was out with friends. Nothing further.

 

5)Told me "im going to make you my girlfriend soon, I'd be stupid not to" very soon after we were talking, hmm again we barely know each other.

 

6)Fell asleep on me last night when he called me to tell me he was going to come see me after he showered. I waited for an hour and then called as he said he would be there in 30 minutes. He was sleeping, then said he would get up to shower and then call me to let me know if he was still coming. Well it's Monday morning and I have yet not heard from him. I know he is clearly up because he told me he had to go to court this morning for work.

 

Am I bugging here or should I drop this guy for good? Should I give him another week or two and see where this goes, we are supposed to be going on a date this Thursday. I am not necessarily looking for a relationship but If it happened good and if not good too, however I am also not trying to waste time with people who are inconsistent and crazy. I like this guy and I know he likes me too. Im not sure if he's playing these games because his last girlfriend did him dirty but I don't have time for these games. What do you guys think?. Some advice here would be appreciated.

[Toodaloo]

Why are you bothering to ask any of this?

 

Just ditch him.

 

The phrase "I do not think we are a good match so I will not be seeing you again" should suffice.

[smackie9]

You got me at NYPD and controlling.....run away as fast as you can! Don't date controlling angry men who have access to guns.

[Zahara]

Am I bugging here or should I drop this guy for good? Should I give him another week or two and see where this goes, we are supposed to be going on a date this Thursday. I am not necessarily looking for a relationship but If it happened good and if not good too, however I am also not trying to waste time with people who are inconsistent and crazy. I like this guy and I know he likes me too. Im not sure if he's playing these games because his last girlfriend did him dirty but I don't have time for these games. What do you guys think?. Some advice here would be appreciated.

 

You're really asking -- after each and every red flag that you posted about him? Do you think a week or two is going to change who is to the core?

 

Yes, his last girlfriend did him dirty -- unless you were with them in the relationship, don't trust what one says about the other. Most times it comes from blame shifting in hopes to deviate the focus on them - justifying their bad behavior because someone else made them crazy.

 

It seems you're a little attached to this guy if you're already waffling between staying or leaving. When you can't trust your own judgment even when the RED flags are flying, best to get out.

[MidwestUSA]

Reread your reply in the 'moving in at four months' thread. Sounds like those two guys are brothers.

 

Run.

[katiegrl]

Reread your reply in the 'moving in at four months' thread. Sounds like those two guys are brothers.

 

Run.

 

Oh the irony......

 

OP, take your own advice.. given in your response on the "four months" thread.

 

This is a no brainer or should be.

[Mrin]

Ok, so just a comment from the peanut gallery here... I am always truly amazed at the "buffering capacity" of people. That is to say how much "stuff" they'll put up with. It is either insanely low... This, my dear... the fact that you're even asking the question it ludicrous.

 

Pitch this guy. Pitch him overboard. Now.

[hippychick3]

I can't believe you're the least bit unsure of what to do here.

 

Your standards would have to be waaaaay low to even consider seeing this awful dude again.

[PegNosePete]

Unless I've missed something, his only redeeming feature seems to be that he is attractive?

 

Are there that few attractive men in NY that you have to go for controlling angry terrible BFs?

[No_Go]

RUN!

 

his last girlfriend did him dirty - my con-artist ex would tell this for EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS ex-GFs - turned that he was STEALING from each of them. Each of them burned 8-10K on him, 2 are having law suits against him for that. Another two - for battery and assault. He STILL insisted that THEY did bad on him. That's how he got me moving in with him after 4 weeks - I was his 'savior' haha

 

Every single thing about this man suggests unstable personality, tendencies to be controlling and violent.

 

Just tell him you got back with your ex (or whatever other BS you want), and RUN THE HECK away!

[kztar]

Thank you all for the replies. Ditching him is what i've been thinking, just wanted to make sure that I wasn't the only one thinking this way. A friend of mine told me to wait to go on the date with him but clearly that doesn't even matter at this point. He's already shown alot.

[Toodaloo]

Thank you all for the replies. Ditching him is what i've been thinking, just wanted to make sure that I wasn't the only one thinking this way. A friend of mine told me to wait to go on the date with him but clearly that doesn't even matter at this point. He's already shown alot.

 

Good God no.

 

Do not waste a single more moment on this guy.

[Zahara]

A friend of mine told me to wait to go on the date with him but clearly that doesn't even matter at this point. He's already shown alot.

 

No, no, no. One more date isn't going to change anything.

[kztar]

No, no, no. One more date isn't going to change anything.

 

Thank you Zahara. I agree. Plus this guy is 30 years old come on. We are not children to be playing games and he is who he is. Nothing will change. Blah lol

[kztar]

Good God no.

 

Do not waste a single more moment on this guy.

 

Thanks Toodaloo, will not. Better to ditch that now than find myself in a problem a year from now or something.

[Mrin]

Thank you Zahara. I agree. Plus this guy is 30 years old come on. We are not children to be playing games and he is who he is. Nothing will change. Blah lol

 

There are some givens in life. You know, stuff like gravity. The sun will always rise in the East. You will die someday. Water is wet. Stuff like that. I think you can safely add "this guy is a jack*** and you shouldn't give another second of your time" to that list.

[katiegrl]

I am wondering how in the world you could even be attracted or interested enough to even consider going out on a date with him.

 

His behavior and attitude would be such a huge turn off for me.

 

Immediate next, without having to check in with anyone about it.

 

In any event, glad you're ditching him.

 

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid big problems later.

[kztar]

I am wondering how in the world you could even be attracted or interested enough to even consider going out on a date with him.

 

His behavior and attitude would be such a huge turn off for me.

 

Immediate next, without having to check in with anyone about it.

 

In any event, glad you're ditching him.

 

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid big problems later.

 

The first couple of times we hung out he seemed like a catch. Spoke about goals and whatnot and they aligned, then his true colors started coming out.

Hi behavior is definitely a red flag. But yes I will go NC with him now rather than later when things are worst.

[kztar]

There are some givens in life. You know, stuff like gravity. The sun will always rise in the East. You will die someday. Water is wet. Stuff like that. I think you can safely add "this guy is a jack*** and you shouldn't give another second of your time" to that list.

 

Thank you. Everyone here has confirmed what I already knew. Well, time to keep moving so NEXT

[kztar]

You got me at NYPD and controlling.....run away as fast as you can! Don't date controlling angry men who have access to guns.

 

I forgot to mention, he was also in the military before so he also has other high end weapons in his house like light machine guns. I really should of been running. LOL

[katiegrl]

The first couple of times we hung out he seemed like a catch. Spoke about goals and whatnot and they aligned, then his true colors started coming out.

Hi behavior is definitely a red flag. But yes I will go NC with him now rather than later when things are worst.

 

kztar.... in your original post you wrote this.

 

Well, after hanging out a few times he ghosted and I honestly didn't care.

 

This occurred back in January, correct?

 

I understand you didn't care, but nevertheless this was your first MAJOR red flag.

 

When he contacted you again, what, months later... you would have been better off NOT responding back to him at all. He showed you who he was back then and the fact you weren't into him at that time.. and didn't care that he ghosted is irrelevant.

 

Ghosting speaks to his weak character... among other things.

 

In fact, if it had been me... I wouldn't have even received his recent text because he would have been blocked immediately after I realized he ghosted back in January.

 

But good luck moving forward....

[kztar]

kztar.... in your original post you wrote this.

 

Well, after hanging out a few times he ghosted and I honestly didn't care.

 

This occurred back in January, correct?

 

I understand you didn't care, but nevertheless this was you first MAJOR red flag.

 

When he contacted you again, what, months later... you would have been better off NOT responding back to him at all. He showed you who he was back then and the fact you weren't into him at that time.. and didn't care that he ghosted is irrelevant.

 

Ghosting speaks to his weak character... among other things.

 

In fact, if it had been me... I wouldn't have even received his recent text because he would have been blocked immediately after I realized he ghosted back in January.

 

But good luck moving forward....

 

Hi Katiegrl,

 

Thank you for your post. I agree, it does speak a lot about character. Im still a work in process and im constantly learning how to be a better dater and make better choices for me.

[katiegrl]

Hi Katiegrl,

 

Thank you for your post. I agree, it does speak a lot about character. Im still a work in process and im constantly learning how to be a better dater and make better choices for me.

 

kztar.... ya know I have read your advice to others on this board.... it's good and solid advice.... and right on in many cases.

 

A good rule of thumb when it comes to your own dating situations, is to look at it from the perspective of another women posting about the same or similar situation.

 

What would you advise her? Or what would you advise your daughter if you had one?

 

I know often times it's easier to see clearly what's happening in another's situation.... but we are unable to see clearly with respect to our own.

 

I am guilty of that too! So I'm learning too and trying to follow the advice I just gave you.

 

Best,

[Dis]

kztar! Oh god girl...run! Hun, you know your better than this and you know this guy is a bad idea 100%. After everything you've been through with your last breakup you deserve a sane, stable man.

 

Girl I really hope you put an end to any communication with this guy. Just say, "This isnt going to work out, sorry."

 

End of story. Block him.

 

I'm so glad you reached out and posted, I know sometimes we get caught up in things and cant see clearly. But now you have your answer, run girly

[kztar]

kztar.... ya know I have read your advice to others on this board.... it's good and solid advice.... and right on in many cases.

 

A good rule of thumb when it comes to your own dating situations, is to look at it from the perspective of another women posting about the same or similar situation.

 

What would you advise her? Or what would you advise your daughter if you had one?

 

I know often times it's easier to see clearly what's happening in another's situation.... but we are unable to see clearly with respect to our own.

 

I am guilty of that too! So I'm learning too and trying to follow the advice I just gave you.

 

Best,

 

This is the best way for me to start looking at things. Im an expert helping out others in these kinds of situations including my own friends. I listen, think and process and advice, but when it comes to my own life, it's like im inexperienced. Im going to start looking at my own situations from other's perspectives. Im glad that I have this forum to at least get me on check for these things.

 

Thank you for the advice. hopefully we can continue learning and making better decisions in the future.