New marriage and overwhelmed

[ocupadosousa]

I think I'm "in over my head". How long we have been together é um bit complicated. Years ago we were in a relationship and mutually ended things due to various external reasons. The relationship itself was as good to be expected from teenagers. After that we were in and out of contact for years and started seeing each other on a relationship basis almost a year and half ago. When we re-started our relationship she was still with the father of her other child.

 

We got pregnant about a year in - planned of course. She left the other man um little while after the pregnancy announcement. And we married last month, April.

 

We live usually reside almost 200 miles away from each other. She has a toddler from a previous relationship. She's 4 months pregnant from me. At this moment we have all custody rights to her other child as the father got jail time for assault [against me]. For right now she has moved to my work residence while she is allowed. When her other fathers child is done jail time she will have to go back. My wife is very sick due to the pregnancy and having difficulties managing the casa and her other child and her self. She wants me home as much as possible but I cannot be there all day. I am having difficulties having my new family with me all the time, as before I only saw my wife a few days a month. It is too much to handle.

 

We have very limited time together with my job and her other child and soon will be putting an additional child into our lives. I feel overwhelmed. We have no alone time, very little time as family, and more is being added soon. My wife has no family to support her and my family does not support us together. Then soon she is going to have to go back which is almost a relief but is also scary because I don't know how to keep the new marriage strong when it's hard already.

[Mr. Lucky]

We got pregnant about a year in - planned of course. She left the other man um little while after the pregnancy announcement. And we married last month, April.

 

You "planned" a pregnancy with another man's woman? Were I him, you'd be at risk of assault from me also.

 

What did you think was going to happen with a step-child, young baby and new wife? Marriage and fatherhood aren't part-time jobs and you'll just have to man up and bear down...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

I think I'm "in over my head". How long we have been together é um bit complicated. Years ago we were in a relationship and mutually ended things due to various external reasons. The relationship itself was as good to be expected from teenagers. After that we were in and out of contact for years and started seeing each other on a relationship basis almost a year and half ago. When we re-started our relationship she was still with the father of her other child.

 

We got pregnant about a year in - planned of course. She left the other man um little while after the pregnancy announcement. And we married last month, April.

 

We live usually reside almost 200 miles away from each other. She has a toddler from a previous relationship. She's 4 months pregnant from me. At this moment we have all custody rights to her other child as the father got jail time for assault [against me]. For right now she has moved to my work residence while she is allowed. When her other fathers child is done jail time she will have to go back. My wife is very sick due to the pregnancy and having difficulties managing the casa and her other child and her self. She wants me home as much as possible but I cannot be there all day. I am having difficulties having my new family with me all the time, as before I only saw my wife a few days a month. It is too much to handle.

 

We have very limited time together with my job and her other child and soon will be putting an additional child into our lives. I feel overwhelmed. We have no alone time, very little time as family, and more is being added soon. My wife has no family to support her and my family does not support us together. Then soon she is going to have to go back which is almost a relief but is also scary because I don't know how to keep the new marriage strong when it's hard already.

 

 

You messed up royally here, didn't you?

 

 

But you made your bed and have to lie in it. People do harder things than this all the time, and a lot of those harder things are situations of their own making.

 

 

It's not going to be easy. In fact, my bet is that 1 year or 2 from now your wife will be with a new man. For the same reasons she told you she couldn't be with her last.

 

 

You can't control her there. She will choose her own path and all you can do is choose yours. But prepare for it mentally or end up locked up like the last guy. The greatest and worse thing about this life is you get to decide who you are. Are you brave or a coward? Strong or weak? Responsible father or... not? Sometimes you have to decide every min all day long who you are.

 

 

But this is life. The hardest ugliest parts make the beautiful ones mean something.

[ocupadosousa]

It changed very fast. The relationship went from seeing her privately a few times a month at most to being publicly with her and her other child to having her and her other child here with me and struggling with pregnancy. "Instant family" if you will. I didn't know I'd struggle so much.

 

The other man was incredibly mean to her. Not physically but in different ways. I wanted to be with my wife and needed to get her out of that situation. The best way I could was to convince her to have our child to leave. I would not ever be mean to her, she'd have no reason to leave the marriage.

 

I don't want to leave the marriage.

[NTV]

You're saying that when she starts talking to another man, it's not gonna tick you off? even a little?

[d0nnivain]

I don't understand why she has to go back. Anybody who has been in jail, there should be very good reasons why sole custody gets awarded to her & he can make arrangements to see his child at your convenience. You also probably need a restraining order in place so that this particular baby daddy can't come to your home. The kids do not need to see physical violence or hear adult language.

 

I had none of the stresses you have but found the 1st year of marriage to be quite a challenge. Being part of team was new & different. It was an adjustment. DH & I took a marriage communications workshop one weekend with a husband and wife therapist team. It genuinely helped. We both learned a lot about each other that weekend.

 

Somewhere in the midst of all the hectic-ness you need to find time to still date each other. On Saturday night after the kids are in bed, spend 1/2 hour or more if she has the energy sitting on the couch & talking . . . about everything or nothing but try to avoid unpleasant subjects. Daydream together about the new baby. Be appreciative of each other.

[ocupadosousa]

You're saying that when she starts talking to another man, it's not gonna tick you off? even a little?

 

She doesn't talk to other men.

 

 

I don't understand why she has to go back. Anybody who has been in jail, there should be very good reasons why sole custody gets awarded to her & he can make arrangements to see his child at your convenience. You also probably need a restraining order in place so that this particular baby daddy can't come to your home. The kids do not need to see physical violence or hear adult language.

 

I had none of the stresses you have but found the 1st year of marriage to be quite a challenge. Being part of team was new & different. It was an adjustment. DH & I took a marriage communications workshop one weekend with a husband and wife therapist team. It genuinely helped. We both learned a lot about each other that weekend.

 

Somewhere in the midst of all the hectic-ness you need to find time to still date each other. On Saturday night after the kids are in bed, spend 1/2 hour or more if she has the energy sitting on the couch & talking . . . about everything or nothing but try to avoid unpleasant subjects. Daydream together about the new baby. Be appreciative of each other.

 

The custody file my wife has is shared with the other man. When he is finished the jail time he gets to keep the shared schedule but he cannot contact me or come to my home. The custody says she cannot move so she has to stay there. The other man will not lose custody unless there is another incident.

 

My wife is tired and sick all the time. She is usually asleep when I get home. On my days off she wants me to spend only with her but I need alone time too. It's not time with her when her other child is around.

[d0nnivain]

 

The custody file my wife has is shared with the other man. When he is finished the jail time he gets to keep the shared schedule but he cannot contact me or come to my home. The custody says she cannot move so she has to stay there. The other man will not lose custody unless there is another incident.

 

My wife is tired and sick all the time. She is usually asleep when I get home. On my days off she wants me to spend only with her but I need alone time too. It's not time with her when her other child is around.

 

You need to make time for her. If you can't do that you don't have much of a marriage.

 

She also needs another lawyer. It makes no sense to me that a convict can dictate where she lives.

[NTV]

She doesn't talk to other men.

 

 

Yet. And you think you won't because you think you're special to her. But what you don't see is that she built up a fantasy of you in the once a month dating thing you two were doing and the reality always fails the fantasy.

 

 

Believe me or don't, you'll see for yourself soon enough. You expect fidelity and honesty from a woman who plotted to have another man's child while with a different man?

 

 

You're eyes are opening a little bit more every day to what you signed up for. Open them all the way and make a decision or shut them tight and try to wish it all away. Either way won't make a difference. You trapped yourself and there are only three ways out:

 

 

- care for the children regardless of whose they are, provider, father husband. Responsible. Dependable.

 

 

- run. Heck there's a chance this kid isn't yours anyway right? she was with the other guy too at the time of conception. why pay the bill before it's ready? you need to watch out for yourself and your future, right? how can you do everything you need for your career to provide for either a possible kid or the next wife and possible kids without spending time at your job?

 

 

- negotiate. Tell here where you're at and that you've halfway to leaving her because of all this and overwhelmed. and scared. it will either bring you closer together if she shares the emotion, or show her the chink in your armor to manipulate you. Either way, she wins, right?

 

 

Sorry four ways:

 

 

- push you head in the ground and pretend all this isn't happening. She'll take the lead and direct you where to go. Eyes closed see no horrors, right.......?

[ocupadosousa]

Yet. And you think you won't because you think you're special to her. But what you don't see is that she built up a fantasy of you in the once a month dating thing you two were doing and the reality always fails the fantasy.

 

 

Believe me or don't, you'll see for yourself soon enough. You expect fidelity and honesty from a woman who plotted to have another man's child while with a different man?

 

We had a relationship years ago, she knows who I am and how the relationship was. She seems happy. At least says many times that she is.

 

I planted the seed of getting pregnant. She was not agreed to the idea for a few months. But I convinced her to. So that she'd finally leave that relationship and be with me. She was scared when she became pregnant.

 

 

You're eyes are opening a little bit more every day to what you signed up for. Open them all the way and make a decision or shut them tight and try to wish it all away. Either way won't make a difference. You trapped yourself and there are only three ways out:

 

 

- care for the children regardless of whose they are, provider, father husband. Responsible. Dependable.

 

 

- run. Heck there's a chance this kid isn't yours anyway right? she was with the other guy too at the time of conception. why pay the bill before it's ready? you need to watch out for yourself and your future, right? how can you do everything you need for your career to provide for either a possible kid or the next wife and possible kids without spending time at your job?

 

 

- negotiate. Tell here where you're at and that you've halfway to leaving her because of all this and overwhelmed. and scared. it will either bring you closer together if she shares the emotion, or show her the chink in your armor to manipulate you. Either way, she wins, right?

 

 

Sorry four ways:

 

 

- push you head in the ground and pretend all this isn't happening. She'll take the lead and direct you where to go. Eyes closed see no horrors, right.......?

 

She had a DNA blood draw not long ago. She is carrying my child. I want to be happy with our marriage.

[NTV]

We had a relationship years ago, she knows who I am and how the relationship was. She seems happy. At least says many times that she is.

 

I planted the seed of getting pregnant. She was not agreed to the idea for a few months. But I convinced her to. So that she'd finally leave that relationship and be with me. She was scared when she became pregnant.

 

 

 

 

She had a DNA blood draw not long ago. She is carrying my child. I want to be happy with our marriage.

 

Then it's option 1 or 3. Who do you want to be?

[Mr. Lucky]

I planted the seed of getting pregnant. She was not agreed to the idea for a few months. But I convinced her to. So that she'd finally leave that relationship and be with me.

 

So you wanted her? Done.

 

And you wanted a baby with her? Done.

 

Did you think she was going to float her existing child in a basket of reeds away down the Nile?

 

A casual observer would say you've skillfully played everyone involved to get what you say you want. And yet you're not happy? Not sure I understand ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ocupadosousa]

So you wanted her? Done.

 

And you wanted a baby with her? Done.

 

Did you think she was going to float her existing child in a basket of reeds away down the Nile?

 

A casual observer would say you've skillfully played everyone involved to get what you say you want. And yet you're not happy? Not sure I understand ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are right. I did get what I want. And I did manipulate to get what I want. I convinced her that being pregnant was a good idea. It's harder than I thought it would be. I am happy to have my wife. I have having difficult managing it all.

 

My family hates my wife. Because she is a different culture (white) and has another child. They make her feel like crap purposely.

[thaliyanayath]

I believe in order to help yourself, you need to think outside the box. What I would like to suggest is that you take yourself from the situation, and evaluate the situation as if you are helping one of your friend, or advising someone else. What would you suggest to do. Hope that would help.

[NTV]

You are right. I did get what I want. And I did manipulate to get what I want. I convinced her that being pregnant was a good idea. It's harder than I thought it would be. I am happy to have my wife. I have having difficult managing it all.

 

My family hates my wife. Because she is a different culture (white) and has another child. They make her feel like crap purposely.

 

 

 

 

Why do you not defend her against them? Do you not love her enough? She is your WIFE man, carrying your CHILD. How cowardly is this to not defend her?

 

 

The only honorable thing you seem to have done in this story is marry her.

[ocupadosousa]

Why do you not defend her against them? Do you not love her enough? She is your WIFE man, carrying your CHILD. How cowardly is this to not defend her?

 

 

The only honorable thing you seem to have done in this story is marry her.

 

Because to defend her I would be disrespecting my parents. Having a marriage and child to my wife is disrespecting with my culture. My family say mean things to her, do name calling and speak in our language so my wife cannot understand much. My wife goes home crying much of the time we visit my family. But to say something other than I disagree is disrespecting my family. If my family got/had(?) their way I would have a divorce and leave my child.

 

My wife knew this before marriage.

[Whoknew30]

Sounds like you wanted to "win" vs her baby's daddy...well you "won" alright! I agree with the other's...you made your bed. I was 19 & in one year, I became pregnant, a wife, a mother & then had to deal with heart failure from my pregnancy. My husband didn't handle any of it well which years later took a huge toll on our marriage. If you fall apart on her now, it will be years of hell to pay on both sides. You have to suck this all up, not only as a husband but a father to be, it's not just about you now. You're having cold feet after the marriage. Just breathe & be there as much as you can, once you see your baby it may change all these feelings. Welcome to the world of responsibility...it's no fun being an adult sometimes.

[Gemma1]

I'm pretty sure your wife's ex posts here too, just FYI.

[ocupadosousa]

Sounds like you wanted to "win" vs her baby's daddy...well you "won" alright! I agree with the other's...you made your bed. I was 19 & in one year, I became pregnant, a wife, a mother & then had to deal with heart failure from my pregnancy. My husband didn't handle any of it well which years later took a huge toll on our marriage. If you fall apart on her now, it will be years of hell to pay on both sides. You have to suck this all up, not only as a husband but a father to be, it's not just about you now. You're having cold feet after the marriage. Just breathe & be there as much as you can, once you see your baby it may change all these feelings. Welcome to the world of responsibility...it's no fun being an adult sometimes.

 

I did want to win and I did. I wanted to take my wife from him. It is harder than I bargained for. There are many times I want to leave but that would be proving my family right. I hope my feelings change. If they do not I don't know what I will do.

 

I'm pretty sure your wife's ex posts here too, just FYI.

 

He is in jail so he could not have posted.

Edited May 18, 2016 by ocupadosousa

[anika99]

How awful that the two of you selfishly decided to bring another innocent baby into this mess. She has taken her first child away from the father (while he is incarcerated) and soon she will take your child away from you, when she goes back. Why are you not moving back with her? She is not going to play single parent for long. If you don't go back with her she is likely to start looking for another man who can be a full time partner.

[minimariah]

But to say something other than I disagree is disrespecting my family.

 

your family is now your wife + your children. your parents are actually disrespecting your family & the fact that you're not able to let go of your parents and to stand up to them...? troubling.

 

seek some professional guidance & therapy.

[Mr. Lucky]

There are many times I want to leave but that would be proving my family right. I hope my feelings change. If they do not I don't know what I will do.

 

Do you know if you're having a son or a daughter?

 

I would guess once the baby is born, your feelings will sort themselves out. I can't imagine a father, once bonded with his child, wouldn't move heaven and earth to be with and provide for his offspring...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

Because to defend her I would be disrespecting my parents. Having a marriage and child to my wife is disrespecting with my culture. My family say mean things to her, do name calling and speak in our language so my wife cannot understand much. My wife goes home crying much of the time we visit my family. But to say something other than I disagree is disrespecting my family. If my family got/had(?) their way I would have a divorce and leave my child.

 

My wife knew this before marriage.

 

They are disrespecting you, your wife and your choices. And you are allowing it.

 

Bluntly: if my husband's family spoke of me with disrespect the way you describe, he would NEVER speak to them again. Those are his words, and I believe it.

 

He comes from a family that believes they CAN be disrespectful as well. They've just never tried it with me. I believe that no small part of why that is, is that neither he nor I would accept it.

 

I don't accept my parents being disrespectful to my husband either. And trust me, my father has tried many times. The only reason we remain in touch us because if my mother who is dedicated to the grandkids and family. My father has greatly adjusted his tune toward my husband. They aren't "best buddies" by any stretch, but he sure keeps his mouth shut. Or he hears it from all sides.

 

There's no way I would let my kids be around someone who degrades the character of either one of their parents because it is very unhealthy.

 

So, now that you've gotten a wide and a baby on the way that you pushed for...... She's expecting to to step up.

 

Are you going to be there for her and the child?

 

I just had my son two weeks ago. My pregnancy was VERY ROUGH even in comparison to my last pregnancy. I was sick through the whole thing and my son had to come two weeks early because my blood pressure shot up to 160/110. The nausea and swelling was unreal.

 

Your wife may very very well need a lot of help throughout this. My husband was pretty much the PERFECT husband while I was sick and exhausted. I felt terrible and was very scared that he would resent me. He's done the opposite. He's looked out for my health, really 'dug in' when things were tough. Brought me supper in bed half of a dozen times etc. Because I was just so burnt out. He would also check in to make sure I was taking my prenatal, and go to Dr. Appointments with me. Except, ironically the very last one that sent me to get induced. (He had a course final).

 

Pregnancy can be SO EXHAUSTING. I really should have been on bedrest. But we needed my income. So I would go to work and just collapse when I got home. So tired.

We have a six year old together as well, so he made sure she got her school lunch and that they did fun things together when I was too tired.

 

He was also present during the birth.

 

He isn't a perfect man, and I can sure complain about him sometimes. But honestly, my mouth is totally shut when I reflect on how he treated me during this pregnancy.

 

Pregnancy is when women are often most vulnerable. We don't forget this stuff.

 

How much time do you need to yourself considering you married a pregnant woman with one child already? I know it's important still, but sometimes with circumstances require us to dig in and sacrifice.

 

I've done that a lot in the course of my marriage. And that makes me more protective and fond of the marriage.

 

I honestly believe that human don't tend to love people who invest in THEM anywhere near as much as the people they invest in.

 

How much are you investing into your wife, your stepchild, and your future child? I don't just mean financially. I mean overall. With time, effort, acts of kindness, kind words etc?

[dreamingoftigers]

I did want to win and I did. I wanted to take my wife from him. It is harder than I bargained for. There are many times I want to leave but that would be proving my family right. I hope my feelings change. If they do not I don't know what I will do.

 

 

 

He is in jail so he could not have posted.

 

Your feelings don't magically change.

 

This is going to be a tough go because it looks as though this has been more about your ego than caring about any of the other people in this whole thing.

 

If you want those feelings to change, it requires you to change your paradigm of the situation.

 

Your chose to become a father and a husband.

 

Time to follow that choice right down the line.

 

Check out babycenter and see how that little person is developing week to week. Find a way to be closer to your family. COMMIT TO THEM.

 

Everything changes after you commit to being a husband and father.

[NTV]

Look, you have come here seeking help, and me not knowing your culture does put some limitations on how I can help you. But I see two major things that are impacting you that YOU have the power to fix.

 

The easy one: tell your parents marriage makes two into one. Tell them what you planned you accomplished and if they don't want you planning against them to silence the insults.

 

The hard one: I don't know your culture or people, I only know mine. In mine, we would say you have the heart of a snake. Conniving and untrustworthy. Maybe this way of thinking is normal where you are? I don't know. But you know that it is something you must either change or grow stronger. I personally could do either. I could change to be more honest in my thinking and not plan things like this.... or I would keep planning and focus on becoming a politician where this way of thinking will allow me to do good things for my country. Neither way will have a quick result. Neither would be easy.

 

I hope what I have said helps you in some way.