New marriage and overwhelmed

[BetheButterfly]

I think I'm "in over my head". How long we have been together é um bit complicated. Years ago we were in a relationship and mutually ended things due to various external reasons. The relationship itself was as good to be expected from teenagers. After that we were in and out of contact for years and started seeing each other on a relationship basis almost a year and half ago. When we re-started our relationship she was still with the father of her other child.

 

We got pregnant about a year in - planned of course. She left the other man um little while after the pregnancy announcement. And we married last month, April.

 

We live usually reside almost 200 miles away from each other. She has a toddler from a previous relationship. She's 4 months pregnant from me. At this moment we have all custody rights to her other child as the father got jail time for assault [against me]. For right now she has moved to my work residence while she is allowed. When her other fathers child is done jail time she will have to go back. My wife is very sick due to the pregnancy and having difficulties managing the casa and her other child and her self. She wants me home as much as possible but I cannot be there all day. I am having difficulties having my new family with me all the time, as before I only saw my wife a few days a month. It is too much to handle.

 

We have very limited time together with my job and her other child and soon will be putting an additional child into our lives. I feel overwhelmed. We have no alone time, very little time as family, and more is being added soon. My wife has no family to support her and my family does not support us together. Then soon she is going to have to go back which is almost a relief but is also scary because I don't know how to keep the new marriage strong when it's hard already.

 

Are there any child classes being offered by your community? I think it would be good to check out at the public school system if they have any support system. Some schools do. Or, you can check out in the community if they have any support system for young families.

 

My Mom's support system included church. If you have any interest in religion, you could also check out a church, synagogue, masjid, or any other religious center to see if they have support for young families. It really helped my Mom to be surrounded with older ladies who already went through the challenging experiencing of raising young children. That in turn helped my Dad.

[ocupadosousa]

How awful that the two of you selfishly decided to bring another innocent baby into this mess. She has taken her first child away from the father (while he is incarcerated) and soon she will take your child away from you, when she goes back. Why are you not moving back with her? She is not going to play single parent for long. If you don't go back with her she is likely to start looking for another man who can be a full time partner.

 

My job does not allow me to move where she is right now. I put in to transfer but it takes time and may not happen at all. She knew this is how it would be. No surprises. I could be sent oversea and there is nothing I can do because she is tied here.

 

your family is now your wife + your children. your parents are actually disrespecting your family & the fact that you're not able to let go of your parents and to stand up to them...? troubling.

 

seek some professional guidance & therapy.

 

Yes my wife is my family. My parents are my blood family and that is always respected. My parents did not like my wife ever. Even as kids. This as well is something that she knew. I don't like it but it is as it is.

 

Do you know if you're having a son or a daughter?

 

I would guess once the baby is born, your feelings will sort themselves out. I can't imagine a father, once bonded with his child, wouldn't move heaven and earth to be with and provide for his offspring...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We don't know yet. I don't see it as a baby right now. I can't get attached. I was much more attached to the idea of our baby together than the pregnancy. With exception of my step-child I do not have kids. I like them but can not get attached to ours.

 

My wife says that I am not supporting her right through pregnancy. She wants me to be active and attached but I can not get myself to that point.

 

As husband and step-father I am there as much that I can be. I drive 4 hours to be at all her doctors visits. I do what I can when home from work, making meals, get medicine. I care for her son to the best I can. But I am gone a lot and exhausted when home. It is not normal in my culture to have the man manage things in the home and I am working to normalize that for myself.

 

 

 

Muitíssimo obrigado.

Edited May 19, 2016 by ocupadosousa

[Miss Peach]

She doesn't talk to other men.

 

The custody file my wife has is shared with the other man. When he is finished the jail time he gets to keep the shared schedule but he cannot contact me or come to my home. The custody says she cannot move so she has to stay there. The other man will not lose custody unless there is another incident.

 

My wife is tired and sick all the time. She is usually asleep when I get home. On my days off she wants me to spend only with her but I need alone time too. It's not time with her when her other child is around.

 

I'm assuming this was all decided before you were married and pregnant? If so, it sounds like you have enough of a change in circumstance to ask for a change. Not sure where you are but in the US and Canada you could ask for it to be reviewed.

Edited May 19, 2016 by Miss Peach

[ocupadosousa]

I'm assuming this was all decided before you were married and pregnant? If so, it sounds like you have enough of a change in circumstance to ask for a change.

 

Just before we married it was done. Our pregnancy and intent to marry following week was known. Unless my wife and her ex agree it can not be changed right now. 6 months to reconsider I think.

[MJJean]

Just before we married it was done. Our pregnancy and intent to marry following week was known. Unless my wife and her ex agree it can not be changed right now. 6 months to reconsider I think.

 

There is a major difference between intent to marry and married. Now that you are actually married AND expecting a child together while being unable to live together due to your employment, the court will likely be a LOT more sympathetic. File for an emergency hearing citing her pregnancy and the hardship of separation so that you can (hopefully) get permission from the court for the move.

[ocupadosousa]

There is a major difference between intent to marry and married. Now that you are actually married AND expecting a child together while being unable to live together due to your employment, the court will likely be a LOT more sympathetic. File for an emergency hearing citing her pregnancy and the hardship of separation so that you can (hopefully) get permission from the court for the move.

 

A substantial reason is required to change it. The court knew we would marry following week and knew of my wifes pregnancy. My wife asked for the no moving from city limit clause. She can not go back and change it with no substantial reason (example layer say was significant medical problem and moving close to doctor/hospital). Has to be something not known at the time of court.

 

My wife has 50/50 custody file and the child is very young. They can not keep the 50/50 if she moves here (4 hours away).

[MJJean]

A substantial reason is required to change it. The court knew we would marry following week and knew of my wifes pregnancy. My wife asked for the no moving from city limit clause. She can not go back and change it with no substantial reason (example layer say was significant medical problem and moving close to doctor/hospital). Has to be something not known at the time of court.

 

My wife has 50/50 custody file and the child is very young. They can not keep the 50/50 if she moves here (4 hours away).

 

State law varies, but there has been a significant change. She is married now and is expecting her first child with her new husband. Again, the court knew of INTENT to marry. Which is literally nothing to the court as the court deals in facts, not possibilities. The facts have changed since the last time she appeared before a judge.

 

Also, they absolutely can keep 50/50 custody if she moves. The standard for substantial travel time is for the parents to meet half way. They can do the exchange less frequently than they do now. For example, she would have the child for a month, then he would have the child for a month. Or whatever schedule they would like. The friends I have currently in this situation switch out every school semester. First semester, the mother has him. Second semester, the father has him. First part of summer, mother has him. Second half of summer, the father does.

 

It is possible to work it out so that you can live together. But it will take some effort.

[ocupadosousa]

State law varies, but there has been a significant change. She is married now and is expecting her first child with her new husband. Again, the court knew of INTENT to marry. Which is literally nothing to the court as the court deals in facts, not possibilities. The facts have changed since the last time she appeared before a judge.

 

Also, they absolutely can keep 50/50 custody if she moves. The standard for substantial travel time is for the parents to meet half way. They can do the exchange less frequently than they do now. For example, she would have the child for a month, then he would have the child for a month. Or whatever schedule they would like. The friends I have currently in this situation switch out every school semester. First semester, the mother has him. Second semester, the father has him. First part of summer, mother has him. Second half of summer, the father does.

 

It is possible to work it out so that you can live together. But it will take some effort.

 

Not with a 1 year old child.

[dreamingoftigers]

How is the marriage going?

[ocupadosousa]

How is the marriage going?

 

We're happy together. We wanted to be back together for long time. Since being together again it feels like it fell back into place.

 

My wifes only problem in the marriage is she wants more time with me. And wants me more involved in pregnancy. I can not make more time really. I am trying to be more involved in pregnancy. My sister says I will be more attached soon because we will see ultrasound and know gender. And it's better when my wife is "showing" and I feel it.

 

My problem is how fast it changed from seeing her only few times the month to every day. I will get use to it. It is hard to settle into living together since she has to go back to her home.

[MJJean]

Not with a 1 year old child.

 

Unless the child is exclusively breast fed, the father is just as capable of taking care of it as the mother.

[ocupadosousa]

Unless the child is exclusively breast fed, the father is just as capable of taking care of it as the mother.

 

Yes that is correct. Not for weeks or months at a time. There is extenuating circumstances. He is breastfed not exclusive but still breastfed. He will not sleep without my wife. Not I, the father, grandparents can have him sleep buy my wife. So previous arrangement was he came back at night and the father picked him up in the morning and repeat.

 

They have to be close and I can not be close to that city until or unless transfer is approved.

[JamesLK]

Yes that is correct. Not for weeks or months at a time. There is extenuating circumstances. He is breastfed not exclusive but still breastfed. He will not sleep without my wife. Not I, the father, grandparents can have him sleep buy my wife. So previous arrangement was he came back at night and the father picked him up in the morning and repeat.

 

They have to be close and I can not be close to that city until or unless transfer is approved.

 

When did you put the transfer in? Can you escalate the transfer now that you are married (and have a child on the way)?

 

No kids here. However I can tell you that a long distance marriage doesn't have a great success rate. And you aren't going to be happy missing all of your babies firsts and milestones. Push for transfer. I'm assuming you are military?

 

 

How long has the baby-daddy been incarcerated? This is interesting.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/569382-she-cheating-pregnant-another-man

[Gemma1]

 

 

 

He is in jail so he could not have posted.

It was a while back, back when they were first breaking up and she was going to leave him for you. Wish I could find the thread but I have no idea what it was called.

[JamesLK]

It was a while back, back when they were first breaking up and she was going to leave him for you. Wish I could find the thread but I have no idea what it was called.

 

It might be linked in my post right above yours. It was in the similar thread list on another thread. I read it, thought it sounded similar.

[Gemma1]

It might be linked in my post right above yours. It was in the similar thread list on another thread. I read it, thought it sounded similar.

Yup you got it! I think it's definitely her ex, WAY too many coincidences to not be.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It was a while back, back when they were first breaking up and she was going to leave him for you. Wish I could find the thread but I have no idea what it was called.

 

Plus it's really not that difficult to access the Internet from jail, not in my country at least (UK) and I can't imagine it being different elsewhere. Prisons are rife with smartphones.

[ocupadosousa]

Yup you got it! I think it's definitely her ex, WAY too many coincidences to not be.

 

He tried to paint her in a bad picture. My wife did everything in that relationship. For him, her son and the home and pets. He did nothing and it was daily fights. Every day my wife would tell me how hard it was.

 

Her son is most important to her. She loves him more than anything and does anything for him. I love him too he is a great kid and I can not see him not in my life.

 

This ex was very mean to her and he left that out. He called names, told to lose weight though she's skinny, change hair colour. No care if she was sick or tired still had to do it all. He told her she was the mistake and would never marry.

 

My wife knew darn well of his cheating. She saw it and told me long ago. What he neglected to write is that he cheated on her before her son came along. Sex with at least 2 women.

 

My wife wanted to stay with him for her son so he would have a intact family. She tried to make that work. She is a great wife and mom. He never should of had her, like I never should have let her go. My heart was always with her.

 

Our sex life is very good. The best I have had is with her. She is not the repulsive statue he claim. We are working on getting use to the change of being together. I am very happy to be with her again.

 

I am more attached to new baby after seeing ultrasound and feeling more real. I hired lady to clean for us so my wife has relax time. We are figure out how to keep her here or move more close.

 

That is my wife that he tries to paint in a bad way and it is not true. The only truth was the rage that put him in jail for assault.

[Gemma1]

He tried to paint her in a bad picture. My wife did everything in that relationship. For him, her son and the home and pets. He did nothing and it was daily fights. Every day my wife would tell me how hard it was.

 

Her son is most important to her. She loves him more than anything and does anything for him. I love him too he is a great kid and I can not see him not in my life.

 

This ex was very mean to her and he left that out. He called names, told to lose weight though she's skinny, change hair colour. No care if she was sick or tired still had to do it all. He told her she was the mistake and would never marry.

 

My wife knew darn well of his cheating. She saw it and told me long ago. What he neglected to write is that he cheated on her before her son came along. Sex with at least 2 women.

 

My wife wanted to stay with him for her son so he would have a intact family. She tried to make that work. She is a great wife and mom. He never should of had her, like I never should have let her go. My heart was always with her.

 

Our sex life is very good. The best I have had is with her. She is not the repulsive statue he claim. We are working on getting use to the change of being together. I am very happy to be with her again.

 

I am more attached to new baby after seeing ultrasound and feeling more real. I hired lady to clean for us so my wife has relax time. We are figure out how to keep her here or move more close.

 

That is my wife that he tries to paint in a bad way and it is not true. The only truth was the rage that put him in jail for assault.

Hey, you don't have to defend your wife to me. When I read his thread back in February, I thought "good for her." You honestly seemed like a catch even through his thread, and she sounds like she is more than reasonable (minus the getting pregnant part, but maybe you guys had your reasons). I sincerely wish you the best! It's a tough situation but I'm sure you guys will figure it all out. I think the only real solution is for you to live together. Whatever it takes to do that, do it.

[ocupadosousa]

Hey, you don't have to defend your wife to me. When I read his thread back in February, I thought "good for her." You honestly seemed like a catch even through his thread, and she sounds like she is more than reasonable (minus the getting pregnant part, but maybe you guys had your reasons). I sincerely wish you the best! It's a tough situation but I'm sure you guys will figure it all out. I think the only real solution is for you to live together. Whatever it takes to do that, do it.

 

To be very honest. Getting pregnant was the only way she would leave him. She was scared of him and want to protect her son. When my wife got pregnant she felt more sure that I was not going anywhere this time again. I would stand by her and protect her. That she had two kids now to keep safe.

 

She thought he would just leave when she said she was pregnant. He has no real want to be a father. Doesn't want to look bad, not be a good dad.

 

If I wasn't around or she did not get pregnant she would probably still be with him. Being hurt and mistreated.

[ChickiePops]

To be very honest. Getting pregnant was the only way she would leave him. She was scared of him and want to protect her son. When my wife got pregnant she felt more sure that I was not going anywhere this time again. I would stand by her and protect her. That she had two kids now to keep safe.

 

She thought he would just leave when she said she was pregnant. He has no real want to be a father. Doesn't want to look bad, not be a good dad.

 

If I wasn't around or she did not get pregnant she would probably still be with him. Being hurt and mistreated.

 

And yet..now you yourself are mistreating her. This poor woman can't catch a break.

 

Neglect is mistreatment too..so is failure to protect her from your cruel family.

[Cinnamonstix]

OP, do you agree that is your wife's ex's thread? You don't even seem surprised to be posting in the same forum!

 

If he returns from jail to his thread, he may very well see your thread and use your "cold feet" against you.

[ocupadosousa]

And yet..now you yourself are mistreating her. This poor woman can't catch a break.

 

Neglect is mistreatment too..so is failure to protect her from your cruel family.

 

I am not neglecting my wife.

 

When we see my family my wife is usually who set it up. She wants to try and have my family like her. I do not make her see them. I stand by her as much as I can with out being rude and telling family to f-off.

 

OP, do you agree that is your wife's ex's thread? You don't even seem surprised to be posting in the same forum!

 

If he returns from jail to his thread, he may very well see your thread and use your "cold feet" against you.

 

I do not know what I'm supposed to say. WTF? I am not the best at expressing myself in English. I am watching what I say, why I waited over a week to come back after reading that. Was not even going to. Talked to my wife and lawyer first.

[Gemma1]

As long as no one tells him, he probably won't notice your posts. He seems way too self absorbed to be reading anyone else's posts. I sure as heck am not gonna send him a message.