Insecure and looking for a way to fix it.

[silentbob801]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Well, it seems that I have a problem with insecurity. Some examples are like, it kinda bothers me when she goes out with her friends on the weekend sometimes, not that she goes out, but how beautiful she looks. It's not that I dont trust her, i guess its other guys I dont trust.

 

I have been married and divorced, some of the insecurity comes from that. My ex cheated on me alot, but I dont want to compare her to my girlfriend, because she would never do anything to hurt me. I know this.

 

Another thing is, if I am going to work, I expect an "I love you", or something of that nature, you know? But sometimes I am in a situation where I cant say goodbye, love you, and think shell just call on the way to work or while I am at work and say it. It doesnt happen. I also have a problem with guy friends. With the exchange of phone calls, and what not. She says they know about me though, so I shouldnt worry about that.

 

Iguess just basically, most of the day I think of her, and make up false situations, or think she is thinking something bad, or planning something bad, and it drives me nuts! I just wish I could be normal with her, because she sees my insecurity, and I dont know if shell be able to deal with it forever. So how can I deal with this?

[ImaManDammit]

Is there anything she could do to help with your insecurity? I mean within reason. You can't expect her to be locked away at home with nothing while you are aware from her, can you?

 

Some of the situations you speak of are normal though. Going out with guy friends you don't know. So what if she said they know about you? What does that mean? Nothing really. I thing alot of guys a genuinely uncomfortable with this.

 

But making up scenarios in you head isn't good. Cause your imagination is far worse than what reality can be.

 

You may want to consider seeking some therapy, because its seems your past may have left some scars that haven't quite healed.

[Kandy]

Bob~

I know how you feel, because I'm in the same situation right now with my BF. On one hand I know he loves me, and would never do anything to hurt me....But on the other, being that he's very good-looking, and friendly...I'm afraid. I haven't found anything to help me get over it, but as far as him doing everything he can to help me, he definately does. He's constantly reassureing me that I'm the one for him. But sometimes I just feel something bad might happen, and I know I shouldn't. Like ImaMan said; sometimes your imagination can take over and usually it's worse than reality...But like you said, sometimes it's hard to see it. Being that I was in a bad marrage myself, yes it does have an effect on me still. I constantly worry that my BF will do the same as my ex. Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't offer much advice, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone here

 

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by silentbob801

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Well, it seems that I have a problem with insecurity. Some examples are like, it kinda bothers me when she goes out with her friends on the weekend sometimes, not that she goes out, but how beautiful she looks. It's not that I dont trust her, i guess its other guys I dont trust.

 

I have been married and divorced, some of the insecurity comes from that. My ex cheated on me alot, but I dont want to compare her to my girlfriend, because she would never do anything to hurt me. I know this.

 

Another thing is, if I am going to work, I expect an "I love you", or something of that nature, you know? But sometimes I am in a situation where I cant say goodbye, love you, and think shell just call on the way to work or while I am at work and say it. It doesnt happen. I also have a problem with guy friends. With the exchange of phone calls, and what not. She says they know about me though, so I shouldnt worry about that.

 

Iguess just basically, most of the day I think of her, and make up false situations, or think she is thinking something bad, or planning something bad, and it drives me nuts! I just wish I could be normal with her, because she sees my insecurity, and I dont know if shell be able to deal with it forever. So how can I deal with this?

 

Bob, I can understand why you feel the way you do. Has she mentioned your insecurity to you?

 

There is no quick fix for insecurity. You have to learn to love and accept who you are and then accept the fact you are worthy of being loved.

 

In my signature file there are two books I feel would help you, the No More Mr. Guy and the regarding Self-Esteem. If you have access to a Counselor, I would also go that route as well.

 

Fixing insecurity is not easy but can be done. You have a valid reason for feeling the way you do and your admission of having the problem is the first step in solving your problems.

[Fetish 2]

I too, cannot offer any advice because i am in the exact same boat and it is actually nice to know that there are others who feel the way and act the way i do. I too think up situations in my head and send myself crazy believing it is true. It drives me insane and makes me believe that what i am thiinking is definately happening.

 

I also don;t know how much more of my insecurities he can take as he has gotten past the point of wanting to reassure me anymore.We have been dating for almost 2 years now. I really wish i could blindly trust him as it would stop ruling my life and i could go back to living my happy life. Go back to living my own life. But i just can't seem to pluck up the courage to do it.

 

What makes it worse is the way we got together...we met while he was with an ex and we did get to know each other while they were still together...we never did anything though..i guess its karma.

 

He is also very attractive and gets on with girls and likes talking and befriending girls...it seems...more than guys... It hurts. guys... please help. Though i'm not sure whether I'll even take any advice on....

 

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Fetish #2

I too, cannot offer any advice because i am in the exact same boat and it is actually nice to know that there are others who feel the way and act the way i do. I too think up situations in my head and send myself crazy believing it is true. It drives me insane and makes me believe that what i am thiinking is definately happening.

 

I also don;t know how much more of my insecurities he can take as he has gotten past the point of wanting to reassure me anymore.We have been dating for almost 2 years now. I really wish i could blindly trust him as it would stop ruling my life and i could go back to living my happy life. Go back to living my own life. But i just can't seem to pluck up the courage to do it.

 

What makes it worse is the way we got together...we met while he was with an ex and we did get to know each other while they were still together...we never did anything though..i guess its karma.

 

He is also very attractive and gets on with girls and likes talking and befriending girls...it seems...more than guys... It hurts. guys... please help. Though i'm not sure whether I'll even take any advice on....

 

 

Read my advice above:

 

Low self-esteem CAN be fixed through Counseling and research. Find a Counselor, talk through your issues and ask them for recommended reading. (Books)

 

I firmly believe an issue such as low self-esteem is difficult, it not impossible, for people to fix on their own. It's because we have had a hard time looking at ourselves objectively. That's why a trained professional is so important to identifying the root cause of the problem and suggesting ways to rebuild how we see ourselves.

[Fetish 2]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Read my advice above:

 

Low self-esteem CAN be fixed through Counseling and research. Find a Counselor, talk through your issues and ask them for recommended reading. (Books)

 

I firmly believe an issue such as low self-esteem is difficult, it not impossible, for people to fix on their own. It's because we have had a hard time looking at ourselves objectively. That's why a trained professional is so important to identifying the root cause of the problem and suggesting ways to rebuild how we see ourselves.

 

But its not like i see myself lesser than the other girls... i think i am gorgeous and many people have told me i am... and i know im perfect for my boy... but im just scared that this constant insecurity and possessiveness will make the fact that we otherwise are perfect for each other not enough.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Fetish #2

But its not like i see myself lesser than the other girls... i think i am gorgeous and many people have told me i am... and i know im perfect for my boy... but im just scared that this constant insecurity and possessiveness will make the fact that we otherwise are perfect for each other not enough.

 

You are NOT confident or self-assured if you are possessive and insecure. And it will drive him away, eventually.

 

Go see a Counselor. You might be OK with how you look (I think calling yourself "gorgeous" is a tad on the arrogant side as opposed to confident, IMHO) but there is some aspect deep down causing the insecurity.

 

See a Counselor. I'll bet if you dig down, he/she can find the root of your problem.

[Jolene]

Hello there!

 

You remind me of myself.

 

The bottom line here is that you are either

 

1) reacting to a basic instinct telling you that you are not getting what you need in the relationship; or

 

2) harbouring personality traits which will be very destructive to you for the rest of your life and sabotage every relationship you are in.

 

Try to figure out why you are jealous, insecure and yes, needy this way. Your emotions run high, but she is probably in that "comfortable" zone...the honeymoon is over (at least for her, and that's not a bad thing in the longrun).

 

If your personality traits are deep rooted in fear, you will not experience the level of joy in this relationship that you and her both deserve. Lose the fear, and find a deeper love! You will feel better about yourself when you come to terms with the fact that if she ever did leave you or cheat on you later down the road, you will have the strength to deal with it and resign to the fact that it is something you cannot guarantee or control...in anyone! Enjoy the love you share now and make the present count every day.

 

But.....do ask yourself what you are getting out of the relationship, and by all means ask for what you need. I did, and my bf gave back to me what I wanted. They are human, and not perfect! That works both ways, too.

 

~good luck!

[outdated]

Originally posted by silentbob801

It's not that I dont trust her, i guess its other guys I dont trust.

 

That is a round about way of saying that you don't trust her. Because everyone in the world knows what a single guy's motives are with women. And it takes two to tango, so to speak, so if anything were to ever happen with another guy it would be her fault too. So if you do trust her, then it doesn't matter what the other guys do. A girl that is trustworthy and loves you will send the others packing without question.

 

I have been married and divorced, some of the insecurity comes from that. My ex cheated on me alot, but I dont want to compare her to my girlfriend, because she would never do anything to hurt me. I know this.

 

If you know this, then you trust her. And it's good that you have identified the root of your anxiety.

 

Another thing is, if I am going to work, I expect an "I love you", or something of that nature, you know? But sometimes I am in a situation where I cant say goodbye, love you, and think shell just call on the way to work or while I am at work and say it. It doesnt happen. I also have a problem with guy friends. With the exchange of phone calls, and what not. She says they know about me though, so I shouldnt worry about that.

 

This is sounding needy and clingy, but it's a typical problem of men to be weary of guy friends. Women tend to leave men for other men they know. If this makes you uncomfortable you need to communicate this to her, and if she loves you, then she will try to put you at ease.

 

Iguess just basically, most of the day I think of her, and make up false situations, or think she is thinking something bad, or planning something bad, and it drives me nuts! I just wish I could be normal with her, because she sees my insecurity, and I dont know if shell be able to deal with it forever. So how can I deal with this?

 

This frame of mind will kill you. Wondering about her all day will kill you. She won't be able to deal with this insecurity forever- trust me. Women like confidence. Next time she wants to go out with her friends say "have a good time." then go out with yours. You know what causes this so work on it from the ground up.

[guest]

for a minute when i read your post...i thought i had written it myself about 3 months ago...because thats exactly what i was like back then (you are not alone my friend!). One bit of advise that i used was just to enjoy the relationship, and be confident in urself... she's going out with you for a reason... and if u want the relationship to work (and by the sounds of it, you do!), then u MUST get over being insecure, and instead show her you are confident enough to trust her. This will make her realise (if she doesnt already), that you are far better material than any of her other bloke mates anyway, and this will be shown to you, boosting ur confidence and relationship even more. From there on, things will only get better!

 

FACT: every girl in this world will have male friends, including ur girlfriend... it cant be helped, so just accept it.

 

hope this helps...and hope it doesnt seem offensive or anything!!