My wife is talking to her ex; harmless or not?

[xhaiden]

I have to mention first, I am okay with people talking to and having friendships with their ex's. I still talk to some of my ex's from time to time and meet for coffee a couple times a year. That's okay with me. But I feel like this has gone further or has a different set of circumstances.

 

I have been with my wife for 3 years, married for 4 months. Before we met she was in a relationship with - let's call him - Brad. Brad and my wife has a weird, complicated relationship.

 

(Before I met her) Long story short, they were best friends for years and always together. My wife was raped and beaten brutally and was hospitalized for months (8, I think). Brad stayed with her the entire time. She wouldn't talk, wouldn't eat, wouldn't move, pretty much everything set off her PTSD. Everything except Brad. She clung to him and he was the only person who could touch her without sedating her. When she was released from the hospital Brad stayed with her every night, she couldn't sleep if he wasn't there and she wouldn't go anywhere without him. Brad enjoyed it, he liked feeling like the rescuer. Eventually they started "dating". They never went past kissing (pecking, not making out) but were "together" for 2 years and exchanged I love you's. He was with her for the trial as well.

 

Brad ended thing, I don't really know why. They both moved eventually and lost contact. He met someone and she met me. I didn't really think twice about it. Lately she's been having a really hard time. The men who raped and beat her are being released from prison (currently on day parole) and she has reverted back to panic attacks and PTSD triggers (such as not being able to eat things like hotdogs or bananas, certain textures like jelly in donuts, lights have to be on, scared of men and people coming to the door). And she's been talking to Brad lately. He actually initiated contact because he knew they were being released. And now she messages him A LOT and facetimes. She talks to him more than me about all this. She is messaging him pretty much all day and up at night.

 

At what point is that not okay? I don't like it but it's such a weird situation. I don't know when it becomes an emotional affair and when it's just her needing him (more than me). He lives on the other side of the country.

[NTV]

Both you and your wife, if you want your marriage to survive need to cut off your ex's. Completely.

 

 

As far as her line, when talking to him becomes a secret or she's telling him stuff she's wouldn't say in front of you, then it's a problem.

 

 

Based on their history together.... I foresee this being a pretty consistent problem throughout the rest of your marriage. The only saving grace right now is the physical separation.

[xhaiden]

Both you and your wife, if you want your marriage to survive need to cut off your ex's. Completely.

 

 

As far as her line, when talking to him becomes a secret or she's telling him stuff she's wouldn't say in front of you, then it's a problem.

 

 

Based on their history together.... I foresee this being a pretty consistent problem throughout the rest of your marriage. The only saving grace right now is the physical separation.

 

To me, exes aren't a big deal as long as there is nothing there. The ex's that I'm still friends with I dated 10+ years ago. There is nothing there anymore and not even an attraction. One of them is married. This is my wife's only ex.

 

She is definitely telling him things that she won't tell me. If I do something that triggers her in a minor way so I can't actually tell, she won't tell me. For example, if I say something and it makes her think about what happened. She'll get quiet, upset and withdraw but won't tell me why. But I know for a fact that she tells "Brad" that it happened.

 

I was reading through her messages and she told me something that I had said that was bothering her. But that she didn't want to tell me because she wants me to see her as normal.

 

She'll also tell him what's bothering her or how she's feeling, but she won't tell me. If I ask her what's wrong I always get a nothing or just silence, but she tells him. She says it's because I should "just know" or "remember by now".

 

She also tells him her fears, she doesn't tell me.

 

She doesn't lie about talking to him, but doesn't want me to read or hear the conversations. She says he helps her and she wants to keep "that part of her life separate from us".

 

He wants to fly out here for a visit, I read it in a message.

[NTV]

To me, exes aren't a big deal as long as there is nothing there. The ex's that I'm still friends with I dated 10+ years ago. There is nothing there anymore and not even an attraction. One of them is married. This is my wife's only ex.

 

Dude, I wasn't asking you how long ago or if there was attraction. I'm telling you in the caste of your marriage, this contact is going to crack the foundation. Period. If there isn't an attraction and it was so long ago, then the relationship isn't that important. End it.

 

 

 

 

She is definitely telling him things that she won't tell me. If I do something that triggers her in a minor way so I can't actually tell, she won't tell me. For example, if I say something and it makes her think about what happened. She'll get quiet, upset and withdraw but won't tell me why. But I know for a fact that she tells "Brad" that it happened.

 

I was reading through her messages and she told me something that I had said that was bothering her. But that she didn't want to tell me because she wants me to see her as normal.

 

She'll also tell him what's bothering her or how she's feeling, but she won't tell me. If I ask her what's wrong I always get a nothing or just silence, but she tells him. She says it's because I should "just know" or "remember by now".

 

She also tells him her fears, she doesn't tell me.

 

She doesn't lie about talking to him, but doesn't want me to read or hear the conversations. She says he helps her and she wants to keep "that part of her life separate from us".

 

He wants to fly out here for a visit, I read it in a message.

 

Tell her that unless she shares with you, you can't love her for who she is. That you need to see all of her. And that her telling this guy is cheat... because it is. It's an emotional affair.

 

 

If he flies out, my money is on them sleeping together. Period.

 

 

If she can't love you completely, then end the marriage before it's too late. Tell her you can deal with whatever she's been through, but you can't deal with her continuing to choose him over her.

 

 

He isn't a freaking therapist.

 

 

Be prepared to lose her. If you ever truly had her to begin with.

[smi11ie]

What a horrible situation. My sympathies to you both. I don't see there is a lot you can do. This policy some people have of communicating with exs is a nightmare. I personally have a very strict no ex communication policy with my wife. I think the problem is that this guy thinks he is her councelor or something. She needs professional help. I don't think it is healthy for someone (particularly and ex boyfriend) to be the sole crutch for your wife. It might be better for her to move on completely and not chat with this ex anymore. He must be a constant reminder to her of what happened. I think you should try and replace this guy with a professional. Once she is getting professional treatment work the "better with him out of our life" angle.

[pteromom]

In your case, I would ask your wife if it is ok for YOU to become friends with Brad as well. Tell her that you won't dig for details about what you went through or anything. It's just that if he is important to her, he's important to you too.

 

He is obviously a safe place for her emotionally in regard to her triggers and fears, since he was there throughout the ordeal with her.

 

To cut her off from that safety would be a jerk move. And it would be a move born of your own insecurity. You sound more together than that.

 

You have to keep talking to her about the whole situation. Maybe invite Brad out to meet him.

 

There are 2 possibilities:

 

1 - Since she trusts him completely, she is diverting her romantic/sexual feelings toward him.

 

or

 

2 - Since he knows what she went through in detail, she is able to discuss fears and memories that she finds incredibly embarrassing and shameful - things she doesn't want you to know because she fears you thinking less of her.

 

The only way to know for sure which is to befriend Brad yourself.'

I am really sorry for what your wife went through. I urge to to be kind and gentle with her. Those who haven't been there have no idea of what it can do to someone.

[xhaiden]

Dude, I wasn't asking you how long ago or if there was attraction. I'm telling you in the caste of your marriage, this contact is going to crack the foundation. Period. If there isn't an attraction and it was so long ago, then the relationship isn't that important. End it.

 

Tell her that unless she shares with you, you can't love her for who she is. That you need to see all of her. And that her telling this guy is cheat... because it is. It's an emotional affair.

 

If he flies out, my money is on them sleeping together. Period.

 

If she can't love you completely, then end the marriage before it's too late. Tell her you can deal with whatever she's been through, but you can't deal with her continuing to choose him over her.

 

He isn't a freaking therapist.

 

Be prepared to lose her. If you ever truly had her to begin with.

 

But if she doesn't care that I sometimes (not often) talk to my exes and I don't care about it then why does it matter? The conversations I have with my exes aren't anything special, basically just catching up on each others lives. We only talk a few times a year, if that.

 

I wouldn't count on them sleeping together. They didn't have sex in the past and we've only had sex twice.

 

It pisses me off that he's not a therapist, he knows nothing about therapy and he doesn't push her to talk to a therapist rather than him. He liked it back then, he probably still likes it now. You're right, I have to tell her what you said above.

 

She does have a therapist, 3 actually, who she has been seeing since she moved out here. And she sees them regularly but still goes back to her ex.

 

In your case, I would ask your wife if it is ok for YOU to become friends with Brad as well. Tell her that you won't dig for details about what you went through or anything. It's just that if he is important to her, he's important to you too.

 

He is obviously a safe place for her emotionally in regard to her triggers and fears, since he was there throughout the ordeal with her.

 

To cut her off from that safety would be a jerk move. And it would be a move born of your own insecurity. You sound more together than that.

 

You have to keep talking to her about the whole situation. Maybe invite Brad out to meet him.

 

There are 2 possibilities:

 

1 - Since she trusts him completely, she is diverting her romantic/sexual feelings toward him.

 

or

 

2 - Since he knows what she went through in detail, she is able to discuss fears and memories that she finds incredibly embarrassing and shameful - things she doesn't want you to know because she fears you thinking less of her.

 

The only way to know for sure which is to befriend Brad yourself.'

I am really sorry for what your wife went through. I urge to to be kind and gentle with her. Those who haven't been there have no idea of what it can do to someone.

 

That is something that I hadn't thought of and should consider. I don't like saying it but I am insanely jealous of him. He knows so much more about my wife than I do. I only know what she has chosen to tell me. He knows EVERYTHING about what happened and how she was after. He sat with her through the whole trial while she had to relive every moment of it, see the men who did it and hear their side. He went to therapy with her many times and helped her integrate back into society. She hides nothing from him because there is nothing to hide. He helped her in ways that I've never been able to help her and ways that I'll never understand. I don't know how bad it really was and probably never will, but he does.

 

I don't want to take that away from her, but at the same time I do. I want her to need me, not him.

 

The way she talks about it, I'd say number 2. But I feel like it's a mix of both.

[NTV]

The thing about the exes is not that they are a threat to the marriage right now. They may never be true. They are however weaknesses in the foundation that risk exploitation later. Risk that can be mitigated.

 

Without pulling all the knowledge and experience outta my head and inserting it in yours there is not really a better way to say it. You are creating marital risk unnecessarily. And she is to.

 

Build together or fall apart.

[Marc878]

A marriage is for two not three. You seem to be trying to justify.

 

Good luck

[xhaiden]

The thing about the exes is not that they are a threat to the marriage right now. They may never be true. They are however weaknesses in the foundation that risk exploitation later. Risk that can be mitigated.

 

Without pulling all the knowledge and experience outta my head and inserting it in yours there is not really a better way to say it. You are creating marital risk unnecessarily. And she is to.

 

Build together or fall apart.

 

So how do I tell her that it's me or him? It's not the same situation as a regular ex. It's very sensitive.

 

I have never worried about her physically cheating. If she won't have any form of sexual intimacy with me, she won't with a stranger. BUT, the more I think about it, with her ex I don't feel so confident. I almost feel like she would be more likely to have sex with him than me, because she is so much more open and emotionally close with him.

 

A marriage is for two not three. You seem to be trying to justify.

 

Good luck

 

I don't feel like I am but perhaps.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife needs to seek counseling and not rely/lean on Brad. Sure he helped her through a horrible time in her life but he isn't the one who should be helping her now. That should be you and a trained therapist who specializes in PTSD.

 

Have you ever met Brad?

[NewlySingleGuy]

It is extremely easy for two people who have had sex to have sex again in the future. They are attracted to each other, know each other naked, and she probably knows the taste of his semen. You are not being "understanding" and mature, rather, you are setting yourself up for disaster.

[xhaiden]

Your wife needs to seek counseling and not rely/lean on Brad. Sure he helped her through a horrible time in her life but he isn't the one who should be helping her now. That should be you and a trained therapist who specializes in PTSD.

 

Have you ever met Brad?

 

She is in therapy, she has multiple therapists in different disciplines (sensory, ptsd, sex). She sees them regularly. But she still leans on him. I thought that was over, since they hadn't talked in a couple years, but guess not.

 

I've never met him. He lives on the other side of the country.

 

It is extremely easy for two people who have had sex to have sex again in the future. They are attracted to each other, know each other naked, and she probably knows the taste of his semen. You are not being "understanding" and mature, rather, you are setting yourself up for disaster.

 

They never had sex. We're married and we've only had sex twice.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

This sounds like such a tricky situation. It isn't like a conventional affair, but it still must feel like a betrayal.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to have a heart to heart conversation with her. Tell her your concerns, offer her your understanding and support. If she truly loves you she should offer you the same love, support, and understanding.

 

To be brutally honest, if she doesn't offer you that then she doesn't love in the same way you love her. It will always be about her wants and needs, with no concern to yours.

 

That would be unfair on you to settle for such an arrangement. She obviously needs a lot of understanding and support for what she has gone through, but you deserve the same compassion and understanding.

 

Maybe couples counselling would help? I mean is no sex life what you want for the rest of your life? Can that work? If it can, great, but it wouldn't work for everyone.

 

You need to think about the sacrifices and compromises you are making for this marriage. Maybe she can't meet your needs, not because she doesn't want to, but perhaps she can't.

 

Either way you need to talk to her about all this. I hope things work out.

[Bryanp]

Your married and you have only had sex twice in your entire marriage.

Open your eyes. Only a masochist would stay in such a situation. You deserve better my friend. It is a shame that you clearly you do not believe this.

[xhaiden]

This sounds like such a tricky situation. It isn't like a conventional affair, but it still must feel like a betrayal.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to have a heart to heart conversation with her. Tell her your concerns, offer her your understanding and support. If she truly loves you she should offer you the same love, support, and understanding.

 

To be brutally honest, if she doesn't offer you that then she doesn't love in the same way you love her. It will always be about her wants and needs, with no concern to yours.

 

That would be unfair on you to settle for such an arrangement. She obviously needs a lot of understanding and support for what she has gone through, but you deserve the same compassion and understanding.

 

Maybe couples counselling would help? I mean is no sex life what you want for the rest of your life? Can that work? If it can, great, but it wouldn't work for everyone.

 

You need to think about the sacrifices and compromises you are making for this marriage. Maybe she can't meet your needs, not because she doesn't want to, but perhaps she can't.

 

Either way you need to talk to her about all this. I hope things work out.

 

 

I'm going to talk to her tonight and tell her that I need her to talk to me the same way that she talks to him. There are a lot of things that happened that she doesn't want me to know about because she thinks that I will look at her differently, or think she's disgusting. But I need her to tell me. I've told her to let me read the court transcripts so I know what happened but she doesn't have to tell me. But she won't let me.

 

We go to sex therapy twice a month together. Zero sex isn't easy, I'm not going to lie and say that it is. It's not how I pictured the rest of my life. After 3 years I'm use to it. We've done it twice, never lasting more than a minute. The first time was about 5 seconds then she freaked out. The second time she squeezed me so hard her nails cut through skin. There isn't any other form of sexual intimacy, she can't even touch my d*ck.

 

She has told me to have sex with someone else but cries when she says it. I stupidly hoped it would be better after we got married.

 

I can deal with no sex. But I cannot deal with her giving herself completely to another man. I have to talk to her seriously.

[strugglinghubby]

This is difficult, it sounds as though your W still needs 'Brad' for some emotional support. On the face of it, it doesn't sound like she's reaching out with the intent to cheat, but given the strong bond between them it is a possibility down the track.

 

How about you suggest that the three of you talk through this together? I think it would be a great move. You can say that you'd really like to be there for her and help her with this as her H, and it actually makes a lot of sense in terms of giving you much deeper understanding as to what support she needs that 'Brad' is giving her. If she refuses that then I would start to be worried.

[CoolHandLuke76]

It's never ever harmless. You need to clearly define boundaries and nip this in the bud. Pronto.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm going to talk to her tonight and tell her that I need her to talk to me the same way that she talks to him. There are a lot of things that happened that she doesn't want me to know about because she thinks that I will look at her differently, or think she's disgusting. But I need her to tell me. I've told her to let me read the court transcripts so I know what happened but she doesn't have to tell me. But she won't let me.

 

We go to sex therapy twice a month together. Zero sex isn't easy, I'm not going to lie and say that it is. It's not how I pictured the rest of my life. After 3 years I'm use to it. We've done it twice, never lasting more than a minute. The first time was about 5 seconds then she freaked out. The second time she squeezed me so hard her nails cut through skin. There isn't any other form of sexual intimacy, she can't even touch my d*ck.

 

She has told me to have sex with someone else but cries when she says it. I stupidly hoped it would be better after we got married.

 

I can deal with no sex. But I cannot deal with her giving herself completely to another man. I have to talk to her seriously.

 

I'm sorry this situation sounds horrible. I hope you can work it out. It just sounds so horrible that this situation has robbed you both of intimacy that should be one of the perks of married life.

 

Hopefully more communicating with each other will help.

[kgcolonel]

I'm going to talk to her tonight and tell her that I need her to talk to me the same way that she talks to him. There are a lot of things that happened that she doesn't want me to know about because she thinks that I will look at her differently, or think she's disgusting. But I need her to tell me. I've told her to let me read the court transcripts so I know what happened but she doesn't have to tell me. But she won't let me.

 

We go to sex therapy twice a month together. Zero sex isn't easy, I'm not going to lie and say that it is. It's not how I pictured the rest of my life. After 3 years I'm use to it. We've done it twice, never lasting more than a minute. The first time was about 5 seconds then she freaked out. The second time she squeezed me so hard her nails cut through skin. There isn't any other form of sexual intimacy, she can't even touch my d*ck.

 

She has told me to have sex with someone else but cries when she says it. I stupidly hoped it would be better after we got married.

 

I can deal with no sex. But I cannot deal with her giving herself completely to another man. I have to talk to her seriously.

 

 

I can't say that i know how you feel as my wife was never raped however she was verbally and physically abused her entire childhood. She tells me that she never thought she'd live beyond 25...no real reason for the specific number.

 

I don't have too much to offer other than I highly suggest that you decide what you can and cannot live with the rest of your life. I can tell by your words that you have a great deal of compassion and love for her but every man / woman has their limit.

 

Don't ever take her up on the offer to have it with someone else while married...you don't sound as someone who would do that. Maybe with a therapist she could begin to let you into her world a little bit more that where you are now....even small steps are gains from where you stand now.

 

Again, you need to determine what you can endure and where your limits are.

 

I don't like the harsh approach suggested either as with my wife, this will not only build the higher fence but will also set her back drastically. I can tell you care so patience. Also, I think meeting / speaking with her confidant would also be in order just to set boundries with him and to ensure his motives (which it sounds as though they are) are clear.

 

Best of luck to you!!