Wife had 3 affairs... so broken now

[persia]

Not sure where to even begin, but I have read a lot of other peoples post and found the feedback they received to be really insightful.

 

I'll start off with a little bit of back story, I'm 33year and my wife is 39, we've been married for 5 years and together for almost 10. We have a 8year old and 4 year old. My wife use to be a career centered woman who earned around 80k and I earn around 120k, we made a move out of a major metro area to the suburbs a few hours out so that she could be a stay at home mom full time. She always was amazingly gorgeous, but after two kids wanted her breast done and then later a nose job. She looks like a model and has a lot of issues with security of herself physically. She is very materialistic and has an out going personality. She easily makes a lot of friends and is that person who everyone wants to be around.

 

About 18 months ago my wife began a 'friendship' with a guy #1 at our gym behind my back. That grew into a full blown affair for about 6 to 8 months. This guy is also married and also has 2 kids. He owns a construction company and is apparently well off. There affair revolved around both of them saying they're just going through the motions of life and are unhappy with their partners, but love their children and family dynamic. During that time she also met another guy at a casino and made out with him during a girls night out. Her friends saw this and some of them began to turn their back on her. Guy #2 kept in contact over text/calls for a few months, she claims they met once for coffee and that was it.

 

She ended things with guy #1 once she started going out on 'play dates' with guy #3, also from our gym. Guy #3 is 21 years old, a part time waiter with no future and a step-kid of his own. He is the opposite of me; mohawk style haircut, covered in tattoos, earrings, egoistical and care free. During the 6+ month affair with guy #3, they spoke of having kids (named their future children), had a plan on how she was going to get a divorce and knew the alimony and child support. I found out about their sexual activities and needless to say they were extremely kinky and had sex constantly. This guy had met my kids, my youngest kid he has seen multiple times and he has slept over at our house when I go on business trips. Once I found out about him, I found out about the other 2 guys. It has been a worldwind of emotions.

 

We are in therapy and it has been very hard for my wife to end things with guy #3. In fact, the first week after I found out and she promised to end it they had spoken over 100 times in text, over 100 times in emails, a few times on the phone and met a few times. I cried myself to sleep every night while she promised that she ended it, so when I found out about the continued conversations I was devastated even more. That honestly hurt just as bad as the affairs. To hear them talk about sex (I read the emails) and how much they missed eachother was so hard to swallow that I spiraled into a very deep depression.

 

Fast forward 2 months and I am still having a very hard time. For the first month she defended both her ex-affair partners. She didn't want me to let #1's wife know. She also would defend #2 constantly. She had gotten drunk with her girlfriends and went to his house, claims he wasn't home. A few weeks later after another girls night she did the same thing. She deny's how long she was there, says she went there to the parking lot of his apartment to 'key his car' (long story there, this guy cheated on her during the affair and the other girl keyed our car.). But anyways, that turned out to be over an hour, so I have a hard time buying that story. I find myself in doubt constantly, for example, she ran to Walgreens for allergy medicine last week (which is in the same parking lot as the gym where both of these guys were during that time of day) and it took 1.5 hours. We live 10 minutes from Walgreens. Things like that make me really question her and when I do she gets angry at me for questioning her.

 

In 8 months we've had sex three times. We're both very sexual people, I would prefer to have it nightly. We use to have it 1 or 2 times a week. After guy #3, our sex life went to almost 0. We used condoms for those 3 times and it was the worst and most awkward sex in both of our lives. Since the affair has come out, we've had no sexual interaction at all. Oddly enough, I tried hard to have sex with her many times. I cannot stand that the last person to be with her was #3 and that the last person who had sex in our bed was #3. I take Xanax, alcohol or pot nightly to fall asleep now. It is the only way I was able to sleep without pressuring her to have sex, she says it felt like I raped her the last few times we did it. For over 2 years she has cried in the bathroom secretly every time we were intimate. The drugs are also the only way I fall asleep in this bed knowing who was last here sexually. We've taken family trips since all of this and I have slept fine in the hotels without any need for drugs.

 

I'm starting to fall out of love with her I think. I cannot and do not want to see myself with anymore else, she was always the woman of my dreams from day 1. But now I look at her so much differently. I look at her and I constantly see the images (I have seen pics of them having sex and pictures of him after they have sex). I know of a lot of the sexual acts they've done that we have never even come close to exploring. My self esteem and self perception is completely shattered and I feel that she destroyed a part of my soul. I so want to be able to look at her and see the woman of my dreams again, but now it has gotten to the point that things are so awkward that I am now just going through the motions and doing a terrible job at it. I do not want to break apart my family unit but it is not fair for either of us to live like this. Today she mentioned I should move out for a month so we can see what life is like without each other. But she still wants to date once a week during that time to see if we can form a new bond. I've read several self help books. In fact, the first one I asked her to pickup while I was at our kids baseball game but she was to busy talking to guy #3 to do it. I hold so much resentment for what she has done to me and I have tried to move forward, but she has rejected me countless times. She does not feel that intimate connection or need to have sex with me and the countless amount of rejection has made me lose my desire for her. She is against porn (she was once engaged and broke it off due to the guy watching porn) and considers that to be close to cheating. I have my needs, I do not want to stray from her, but am at a loss what to do. I even asked her for pictures (hell, she sent #3 countless pictures of her nude) to get by with until we're reading to connect but that never happened. I am incredibly stressed out and feel like I have aged 10 years in the past 2 months. I am becoming a worse father due to my frustrations with her and our sex life and due to my deepening depression and the amount of anger I hold. I am truely at a loss on what to do.

 

Any thoughts or advice on people who have gone through similar situations would be much appreciated. I just want to be able to look at my wife the way I use too, to share our lives together, to grow old together, to have passion and love and to have an amazing life. I feel like I had it all and it slip through my fingers.

[Conclude]

Man, what a tough pill to swallow.. First and foremost, get into individual counseling dude. Talking to friends is good, but counseling has really helped me maintain a perspective. I chose a female counselor to have a female perspective. Get in there, and be honest. Don't make yourself out to be the good guy, just talk about facts. I went in trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong to my wife, and where I was screwing up at. I left realizing I was blaming myself too much.

 

In your situation, you are in denial man. Your wife does not respect you, and letting her do this is letting her walk all over you. You need to get ALL of the evidence you can find (emails, pictures, texts) and take it to a lawyer and find out how it will effect alimony and custody. In my state, if you have hard evidence of an affair, alimony goes right out the window, no questions asked. It also weighs in on custody as well.

 

It really bothers me, that she is brought a man to your marital home. This woman is exposing your children to at least one stranger while you are gone. Think about the morals of someone willing to sleep with a married woman. Is this someone you really want in your house, your most vulnerable place, with your kids? While you are gone on business trips?

 

I know you are hurting man, but she is toxic! Take your time to grieve, but for the love of god save that evidence! You have it and know for sure. Get past this denial phase and ask yourself these questions: "Am I the kind of man that will tolerate this level of disrespect? Can I truly forgive her and wait on her to finish up this affair business and put it past us? Will I still respect myself if I forgive her?" I could probably forgive a single affair, but I don't know about three confirmed.

 

Only you know what will make you happy. But it sounds dangerous for your kids with her potentially bringing men she hasn't known very long to your home overnight. Personally, I would calmly ask her to move out on her own, and work on bettering myself.

 

I hope you get through this with the right decision man. It sucks that you discovered this, but just remember that it was going on before you knew, and will probably go on after. She's lied to you before, and will likely keep lying. Get some counseling for yourself though, it might help you gain clarity on the situation. Good luck.

[NTV]

I just want to be able to look at my wife the way I use too, to share our lives together, to grow old together, to have passion and love and to have an amazing life. I feel like I had it all and it slip through my fingers.

 

 

From one BH to another, you will never look at your wife the same again man. The old vision is gone.

 

 

Right now, she doesn't give a **** how much she's hurt you. If you knew you had a problem with anything, health gambling, whatever, as a responsible father and provider you know you seek help to fix it. She isn't doing that. Rather she has actively sought to destroy your family. The stability of the kid's lives and their future don't mean ANYTHING to her right now. Good mom's don't risk that. She cannot see beyond herself.

 

 

You cannot leave all this unaddressed, and MC is not going to help you. You both need IC until the DIFFERENT IC's say you're both ready for MC.

 

 

But her going to IC isn't going to change anything right now either because she will just lie to them. No, to effect change right now, you need to file for divorce. To wake her up to the seriousness of what she's done. You can always stop a divorce once it's started, but I wouldn't recommend you do so without a postnup.

 

 

In fact, the only reason she's still there right now is because she looks at you and sees a wallet with legs.

 

 

All this **** sounds harsh. It hurts to read. It sounds like I'm telling you to divorce your wife. And I did tell you to start the process. I didn't tell you how to end it. That's up to you and whatever your plan is. And you need to make one as soon as you see an attorney. And backup plans, b, c, d, e, f, g, and h. Hell you probably can't sleep right now anyways, so why not use that anxious energy to something productive.

 

 

There's a couple things... simple phrases that you need to repeat and memorize if you can:

 

 

Nothing I did or didn't do made her cheat. She cheated because she wanted to.

 

 

Good mom's don't destroy their kid's family.

 

 

My love didn't stop her from cheating, it won't stop me from divorcing her if I have to.

 

I have walked in your shoes and know where you are. Find the things that fight depression: exercise, journaling, avoid alcohol. These will help put caps on how bad you feel.

[smi11ie]

It sounds like your wife puts a lot of effort into every relationship except her marriage. I am pro reconciliation but in this case I think you should walk away. If she comes running after you then maybe reconcile, but if she doesn't then move on.

[Raena]

Do NOT, I repeat do NOT move out of the house. Make her move out. Tell her it's time she gets a job because she's going to need to support herself after you divorce her cheating arse and kick her to the curb. She doesn't deserve you at all and your kids don't need to see you this way. Go get a lawyer and start the divorce proceedings. You can't fix this.

[persia]

It is so hard, I do not know what to do anymore. She says she is trying to fix the problems of why she felt a 'void' that caused her to stray. The MC said we need to turn it into IC for her, that she has deep rooted problems that need fixed. She claims to have 100% no contact anymore and says she is putting 100% into our marriage. Her reason for not having any sexual desire is because the last few times were awkward (well, when she is sleeping with others of course it is going to be awkward with your husband?).

 

I tried to get her to do things to prove she was committed to me and not them, like writing a letter with the intention of hurting them, but she cares to much about them and isn't willing to hurt them. At one confused point I asked I need some form of dedication from her, like a tattoo, to do something above and beyond to show her commitment. But she said that is crazy talk, which it probably is. My emotions are on such a messed up roller coaster, we go from talking about expanding our family to talking about separation over the course of 24 hours.

 

Through this all, the things that hurt me the most are that she had this 21 year old kid in our bed while our kids were sleeping down the hall and he would stay the night and leave when the kids go to school. That this guy took my kids on play dates, to the movies, frozen yogurt, to the zoo, etc. I do a LOT with my kids and have a very strong bond with them, so having this guy basically take my place hurts on levels that I cannot explain. And after it all came out and I was crying and hurting myself and talking about suicide, she was able to still talk to him nonstop about how much they miss eachother and the sexual acts they want to do together. Lastly, after she claims to be 100% into wanting to make us work and willing to put in the effort and saying she wasn't happy because she wasn't putting anything into it that she still rejects me sexually. I am a fairly good looking guy, I workout a lot, eat healthy, etc. But now my confidence is shot, I look at myself and hate what I see everyday. The amount of rejection has totally destroyed my self esteem.

[GorillaTheater]

1) Burn that goddamn bed. No way should you be sleeping in that defiled thing.

 

 

2) Divorce her. This is not the wife you're looking for. Trying to reconcile with a serial cheater is a hopeless, soul-sucking task, and you deserve better.

[smi11ie]

WOW. I amazed that some people waste their time with such low quality spouses. I realise it is difficult but you must see that life can be so much better than this. Your wife might be good looking but her actions are abusive. You need to leave or better ask her to leave. I am so sorry for you.

[NTV]

I've been right where you are man. You've been heard. Journaling helped me a ton. I think it probably saved my life.

 

 

Everything I told you before will help you through this I swear on everything I am that it helped me.

 

 

I know this pain. I've been there. You aren't alone.

 

 

You feel helpless? Plan. Plan like a mad scientist. Plan like your kids futures depend on it (they probably do). Back up plans for the backup plans. Plans within plans. This give you a sense of control back.

 

 

Your kids need you right now. They're mom has lost her mind, and they need you there.

 

 

 

 

Don't worry about her rejecting you. In three months you will look at her with such disgust that you will be angry you did.

[persia]

I did journal, a lot. It all turned out to be extremely negative thoughts coming out. I ended up destroying the journals and trying to think more positive.

 

We started church, I've never been a religious person, but that seems to help out for a few hours anyways. I just wish I could trust her and that things would get better. I do not want my kids raised in a broken house.

 

I was hoping to see both sides of the coin, but it looks like everyone is saying the same thing. I wish this decision wasn't so hard. I really wish she would have divorced me before cheating or gotten help to fill this mysterious void which I do not understand before cheating. The whole situation really sucks

[aliveagain]

First thing you do is talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, protect your children and your finances. Cut off her money, make her go back to work, no sense in financing her affairs. Ask your lawyer about full custody of your children, sounds like they may get in the way of her fun. The woman has no respect for you, she brought men into your bed for porn star sex. Make her take the bed with her when she moves out. Absolutely expose the other men to their betrayed spouses, do it like yesterday but don't tell her your doing it just do it.

 

You will never get over the imbalance her affairs have caused, you can learn to live with the knowledge but you can't make them go away just as she can't unfu*k herself. She violated your sanctuary, fu*king other men in your bed is as low as it gets. They tainted your wife(she gave herself freely), your toilet, your towels, linen, and everything else they used when they were in your home. Get rid of all of it. Read up on the "180" and make the 180 behaviours your new way of life. Make her get tested for all STD's, do not have unprotected sex with this woman, your risking your life by doing so. Do not get her pregnant, you wouldn't be the first husband to have this happen to them after the other men threw your cheating wife under the bus to save their own a$$'s. This is the real woman you married that you are seeing now, she hid everything about her true personality from you until she was done using you. Show her the same respect she is showing you. Let her see what life without you will be like. Do not agree to a separation, separations are just excuses to test drive the other man before cutting all ties with you and not feeling the guilt associated with cheating.

[BreakOnThrough]

You got to walk away, this situation will eat you alive until there is nothing left, take back some control, compile as much evidence as possible and use it in the divorce.

[notbroken]

Dude. Man up. I'm not saying that to be harsh - I'm saying that because it is your ONLY choice. She doesn't respect you at all. You have to have respect for yourself (which ironically will help her respect you too).

 

Get in a gym immediately. It will help in alot of ways with your depression, self respect, health, and yes - to date when you are ready (and no way are you ready). See a lawyer yesterday if you can (today is not soon enough - tomorrow is getting late). Know your rights. Divorce her asap. Out her affairs to her parents, etc.

 

Even if she begged you to let her stay - MOVE ON. She is a serial cheater and incapable of stopping. Do you want to be in distant last place with your 'wife' (she hasn't been your wife in some time - you are just a financial subsidizer of her bad behavior and a babysitter).

 

Don't let her dictate things to you any more. Do what you want. Without her. Tell her you are done. Period. No conditions. Done. Serve her with divorce papers asap.

 

Never 'beg' her. Don't use your kids as pawns in any way. Tell her you've had enough and she can act like trash on her next boyfriend/husband (which she will).

 

Good luck. Seriously. Horrible situation and you shouldn't tolerate even one more minute.

[persia]

This is tough to swallow. I feel like defending her from you all but at the same time I am just stating the truth and facts and she brought this on herself. It is tearing me apart. I did tell #1's wife last week finally and he came out calling her a home wrecker, etc. I went off on him defending her, saying she just made a mistake while in a confused state in her life. Sometimes I feel like I am such a gullible puppy who is abused and keeps running back to the person who abuses it.

 

As for the STDs, I did make her get full test. She has a STD from 20 years ago (I do not have it) and she gave it to #3.

 

She said she wants a separation to reflect and do soul searching not to be with anyone during that time. I told her that I feel like she would go running back into #3's arms during that time but she says that would never happen. I don't know what to believe anymore. I use to trust everything with her, it took years to do as I am not an open or trusting person, but with her I finally trusted fully. She was the first (and probably last) person that I will ever have given that to

Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[LostOnes05]

Take the evidence (emails, etc) to a lawyer and get a divorce. You probably won't have to give her a dime. But get a divorce dude. She isn't your wife anymore. Let her go and take care of your kids. That's it. I could never look at her again after she cheated...but she gets mad about porn. The logic on that one!!!

 

But yea, you're kids don't deserve to grow up around that either. Divorce her.

[NTV]

Don't we all brother. Don't we all.

 

 

Filling the journals with negativity is actually a good thing. This betrayal has filled you with poison. If it doesn't come out then it rots you on the inside or pressurizes and explodes. Journaling is a safe place to get it out... even if you do destroy them.

 

 

This is the time in your life where you have to eat crap to show your kids how to behave when something like this happens to them.

 

 

Getting through this is a process. It takes a lot out of you... you probably know that already. I'm more than willing to share everything I know with you, but you have to choose what to act on.

 

 

What I've said so far to you... think of it like the IV that you get to keep you alive. It might seem like I haven't told you to do much that will help... and really there is only so much that will, but please take it all in. breathe it. consume it.

 

 

it is critical that these basic building block get laid for your healing. I'll go out of my way to talk with you here everyday while you do through this, but these core things need to be not just heard and understood. They need to be a part of your mentality as soon as you can.

 

 

If you go to the ER, there are nurses and doctors. Here you can find plenty of other patients and quite a few nurses. If you find you need a doctor or surgeon, though, that's when you see an IC. You may want to see one asap anyway. My concern for you right now is as a brother who's gone through the same pain. I know it much more than I would ever wish to, and I'll be right here as much as I can.

[burnt]

Can you make a list of all the reasons for WHY you want to reconcile with her?

 

In fact, can you name a single healthy reason for why you should want to remain in this marriage with this person? Just even one reason?

 

And if you are about to say "kids kids kids"--then… do you honestly think any child should be raised in a home under a marriage this corrupted?

 

Do not move out of the house. SHE is the one who needs to move out because SHE is the one who cheated--not once, not twice, but three times.

 

You tried to have sex with her after she at age 39 had sex with a 21 year old KID in YOUR bed?!?

 

And she is still in the position to suggest where you should live and how often you should be allowed to see her?!?

 

Marriage counseling? NO

Individual counseling? YES. for YOU.

 

You need to see a therapist to understand your own deeply rooted problems that would allow you to still even consider being with her.

 

I don't care how hot she is, or how amazing her breasts and nose jobs are, there's nothing sacred or dignified left to salvage with her.

 

Sorry to say divorce is the only card to play.

 

(And next time choose someone who puts less attention to fake breasts and fake nose and more attention to making a relationship work with respect.)

[persia]

My other major issue is what if the affairs are truly over? Do people really learn there lessons and move forward from them? Is it even possible for us to move forward and be stronger? She always says I am stuck on the past, to move forward, to stop dwelling on things, etc. I just can't seem to take a step forward without taking 2 steps back. Everything triggers these negative thoughts and crazy images in my head. I have nightmares of them together most nights. How can I tell if she is ever going to be honest and really move forward? To me, not having the desire for sex with me is a major indication. But she says she is 'almost ready' and that I find a reason to fight about and it pushes us further apart everytime we get close.

[NTV]

They probably aren't if she wants separation.

 

Of course she says you're living in the past. That way she doesn't have to deal with any consequences.

[NTV]

Have you heard of a postnup?

[Clay]

Serial cheaters don't just wake up one day and stop. You can wait it out like a few of us have then wonder why ten years later. If you think the cheating is bad your wrong. Its the fact that you knew about it and you stayed. You will kick your own axx over that one for the rest of your life. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't feel stupid for staying. Its been ten years since and I still suffer from it.

 

The sooner you get away from her the better off you will be.

 

Some people are just broken.

 

C

[persia]

We've gone back and forth on the separation, it is usually I who has brought it up. She wants me to live with my parents for a few weeks or with a friend. She claims it will let her do self reflecting and might have her miss me? Why didn't she miss me when she would leave me at home and make up every excuse in the book to go be with someone else? I think I would be more willing to do the trial separation thing if not for Valentines day. On V-day, she said she was so stressed out from the kids and needed a few days away with her family or friends. I offered to buy her a ticket from California to WI to stay with her family, she said it was too far from the kids. So she wanted just 2 nights alone to self reflect and distress, I bought the nicest room I could find and on Valentines day her and #3 spent the night together there. I even facetime talked her that night and he was hiding in another room. So the self reflecting time away from eachother just is triggering another bad event.

 

I truly think that she is not in contact with anyone else right now, but I am worried for how long? She said she never wanted to get married, just did it so we could have another kid. So if she wasn't happy with us 5 years ago, wasn't happy for the last 18 months when she was cheating, what has changed now? That is what I don't get. She says she feels closer to ever to me now then ever before and is more in love with me now then ever before, but at the same time, I feel more distant from her then ever. We argue all the time now and it is always about the affairs while before we rarely would argue and seemed to be best friends. So I have a really hard time understanding how she feels so close to me now and how she wouldn't stray again? I really don't want a divorce and it would be the very last option. But at the same time, my heart is so broken that I do not know how I could take another major disappointment

[CupCakess]

Well why I think you should divorce her, I perhaps can add some explanation to her behaviour.

 

You are 33. She is 39. There is a 6 year gap between you to. Usually women don't go on to date much younger men, although not rare, it is uncommon.

 

She also had an affair with a 21 year old guy, and I bet those other 2 affair partners might have been younger too. She likes younger guys. Nothing you can do about it that councel will help.

 

Given that you mention she is preocupied about her looks despite her looking amazing, seems to me that dating younger guys validates her in that sense (hving someone much younger attracted to you, makes you feel special).

 

She was 29 when she started dating you? and you were 23? certainly an odd couple, if you don't mind me saying.

 

I personally think you should divorce her, and I hope I'm not being hurtful by what I say. I'm just trying to explain perhaps the reason behind her actions.

 

To give you the opposite feeling, some girls are into older guys. I know a beautiful 25 year old that likes dating 45+ year olds. She is a friend of mine. While most of our friends always believed she was into money, the honest truth is that she gets turned on by much older guys (daddy issues and what not).

 

Let me ask you something, before you guys met, did she left a relartionship to be with you?

[NTV]

There's a lot of folks here that will say to cut your losses. ( as if you hadn't noticed)

 

I'm not saying that. I'm saying you going to war. You're either fighting for reconciliation or you're fighting and divorce. And either way you need a battle plan.

 

In fact I suggest you make a battle plan for both. You hurt I know how it hurts the right now you've got to look at two sides of the same coin here you have political side of staying married and getting divorced and the emotional side of healing from this b*******. Tackle both at the same time if you can.

[aliveagain]

My other major issue is what if the affairs are truly over? Do people really learn there lessons and move forward from them? Is it even possible for us to move forward and be stronger? She always says I am stuck on the past, to move forward, to stop dwelling on things, etc. I just can't seem to take a step forward without taking 2 steps back. Everything triggers these negative thoughts and crazy images in my head. I have nightmares of them together most nights. How can I tell if she is ever going to be honest and really move forward? To me, not having the desire for sex with me is a major indication. But she says she is 'almost ready' and that I find a reason to fight about and it pushes us further apart everytime we get close.

 

Boy does she have your number. She has all kind of porn star sex with strangers, in your home and in your bed and now that you found out she is almost ready to have sex with you again. Friend, being by yourself is better then being with a serial cheater, three guys that you know of for sure, one young enough to be her son. This is who you see yourself growing old with? The three affairs will always be the white elephant in the room, they will be right there in your bedroom. You can do a hell of a lot better then this. Talk to a lawyer, there is nothing special about your wife, she is just like all the other serial cheaters, worse, she introduced your children to them. She slept with them while your children were just down the hall..

Edited May 16, 2016 by aliveagain