Wife had 3 affairs... so broken now

[EverySunset]

Persia, my heart breaks for you.

 

My ex-wayward-husband broke mine. He behaved much like your wife. So selfish, for years, different affair partners. I was dedicated and committed too. He was not.

 

His whole world orbited around soothing his insecurities with affairs, instead of coming to me. Working on us. Heaven forbid, even noticing my sadness at the neglect.

 

They say it takes 2-5 years to reconcile from infidelity. Myself, I've found it takes much, much less time for you to heal if you leave them to clean up their own mess and focus on you, not an unfixable marriage.

 

Please take of yourself. You deserve a wife that can see what a great husband you are, treasure that, and respect her vows.

[MrBojangles]

I am not seeking a separation, in fact he has been the one to bring up the separation topic each time and I insist that this will only drive us further apart emotionally and physically. I mentioned him staying with a friend for a week or two just because we seem to be getting nowhere and maybe we can both clear our heads for a few days and get a chance to really miss each other. We are together 24/7 as he works from home and I am a stay at home mom so I want us to have a chance to actually miss each other as I think that will give a whole new appreciation for each other and another reason is I do not want our children picking up on any tension between us and they have recently.

And to address your question of my AP meeting my children, our relationship started strictly platonic as he has a daughter same age as my youngest (4) and it started as innocent play dates at the park and our kids got along so well and I won't like, I did enjoy his company and should have ended it because of that, but it escalated to more and more play dates. So he met my child before anything ever happened.

And regarding the marital bed, yes it still makes me cringe to think I did that to this day. It is simply disgusting and there was no rational behind it only that I completely trusted this person and it was the only way to be together.

 

Mrs. Persia, I do not mean to bash you here, and I will not resort to calling you nasty names. I am only stating my opinions, and what would no doubt be deal breakers for me. On one hand, it is great to read that you seem to understand the harm you've caused your husband here, but on the other hand, I just can't reconcile these words from you with what your husband has described.

 

Whether you have intended to or not, you are still justifying your affairs! You're claiming low self-esteem and the need for validation, but I feel it's easy for you to say these things NOW that the damage has been done. Your husband is being bombarded with the endless mind movies of you and those other men, and he will be for a long time! At the very least, he gave you an opportunity to tell the spouses or girlfriends of these other men, and you chose not to do so. The one small good faith thing you could have done to ease your betrayed husband's pain, and you refused! That seems very selfish and speaks volumes about your lack of remorse IMHO.

 

Though it's a bit late now, perhaps you should have talked to your husband about his lack of emotions before embarking on these affairs. You need to be 100% honest with yourself and why you had these affairs? It's not up to a counselor to tell you why, that's something you must do. If you really loved your husband, and want to be with him as you're claiming, why were you making plans to divorce and have a 21 year old affair partner's children? Is it possible that you're really wanting out of this marriage? Needing time apart to 'miss' him is not a good sign for your marriage. Are you really over your affair partners?

[whichwayisup]

From Persia's wife- I just read through my husbands posts and all the comments and I feel that it must sound as though I am this evil vicious person that has no respect or regard for my husband or his feelings, only my own. And I cant say I would feel any differently reading that from an outsiders point of view. Let me be very clear, I am in no way making excuses or validating any of my behaviors just wanting to give my perspective and maybe where I'm coming from.

 

What I've done is disgusting and to most unforgivable. I know cheating is wrong and never the right answer. I have questioned my happiness and in the back of my mind always wondered if I was truly in love with my husband or just loved him because he is such a wonderful man and father to our children and whether I was simply going through the motions to keep my family together because I am in love with our two children and could never imagine not seeing them every day and reading and singing to them every night.

 

My husband and I met and got pregnant with our first child 3 months after dating. He was a lot younger then me and not like the typical older men I was accustomed to dating and our personalities were polar opposites. I never felt he truly opened up to me and always had a wall up and never let me in all the way, he has always been very serious, private and withholding and I am very warm, passionate about life, and open up to people quickly and wear my heart on my sleeve. I wasn't thinking it was going to be a long term relationship. We had our beautiful baby and I immediately fell in love with our child and decided to stay together and make it work for the sake of being a true family. My parents are still married after 40 years and so are my hubs so that is the only life I know and that is what I wanted. I always questioned if we were only together for the sake of the baby. So the years went by and I suppressed those feelings and doubts and we had another baby and continued to go through the motions of life. I became obsessed with being the best mother I could be and showered my kids with all my love and affection and lost site of being a wife. Through time I felt more and more disconnected emotionally from my hubs and the void I felt in our relationship grew deeper and deeper. I was envious when I would see other couples who looked so happy and truly in love with each other. I wanted to feel this and instead of doing the right thing and talking to my husband about it, I looked externally and once I felt that connection with someone else, it was like wildfire and just spread quickly and I felt alive again and it was almost this 'high' I would get when I knew I would see my affair partner. I thought maybe I could keep my family together and just fill this 'void' on the side with no one knowing. I do love my husband and no matter how strong my void was, I could not imagine actually leaving him. That's why I never actually took it to the next level of filling for divorce.

 

After my affairs came out, my husband has opened up like I have never seen from him before and I am seeing true raw emotion from him which is why for the first time I feel closer to him now then ever. And although I don't deserve it, I see how much he does love me and stands by my side at my lowest point in life which makes me truly fall in love with him. I am trying to find God and am currently in therapy to help address my own self worth issues that have snowballed out of control over years of suppressing so that I can hopefully repair the damage I have caused and heal our marriage. And I don't know if we will work it out or if we are even good for each other but I feel it's a fight we at least need to fight for our sake and our families sake and if it ends in divorce it's not going to be this ugly ' take all the evidence and proof to a lawyer and fight for custody'. We will put aside any selfish feelings or hurt and do what is in the best interest for our children. I may have been a crappy wife but I am a damned good mother and anyone that knows me will attest to that.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I am a good person with a huge heart that made some horrible mistakes and am trying to be a better person. I do not believe the saying 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Yes in some situations there are malicious toxic people who have no regard to others feelings but this is the only relationship I have ever strayed in and it is my biggest regret in life. Gosh I have really rambled on here but just wanted my voice heard to and let everyone know that I love my husband and my family more than life itself.

 

If you want your family to stay intact, GET yourself to counseling and fix your issues. Be the wife and the mom you're meant to be. And most of all, learn boundaries, stay away from men since you can't be just friends with them. If you love your husband you HAVE TO let go of your 3rd affair partner and prove to your husband you're worthy of a second chance. Your husband isn't the one who should be jumping through hoops! He is the betrayed one here and you chose to go outside of the marriage instead of speaking to him and seeking marriage counseling. 3 affairs later, everything is a mess. It's made things worse, not better.

 

Good luck and if you continue posting, please create your own account with another username.

[bathtub-row]

From Persia's wife- I just read through my husbands posts and all the comments and I feel that it must sound as though I am this evil vicious person that has no respect or regard for my husband or his feelings, only my own. And I cant say I would feel any differently reading that from an outsiders point of view. Let me be very clear, I am in no way making excuses or validating any of my behaviors just wanting to give my perspective and maybe where I'm coming from.

 

What I've done is disgusting and to most unforgivable. I know cheating is wrong and never the right answer. I have questioned my happiness and in the back of my mind always wondered if I was truly in love with my husband or just loved him because he is such a wonderful man and father to our children and whether I was simply going through the motions to keep my family together because I am in love with our two children and could never imagine not seeing them every day and reading and singing to them every night.

 

My husband and I met and got pregnant with our first child 3 months after dating. He was a lot younger then me and not like the typical older men I was accustomed to dating and our personalities were polar opposites. I never felt he truly opened up to me and always had a wall up and never let me in all the way, he has always been very serious, private and withholding and I am very warm, passionate about life, and open up to people quickly and wear my heart on my sleeve. I wasn't thinking it was going to be a long term relationship. We had our beautiful baby and I immediately fell in love with our child and decided to stay together and make it work for the sake of being a true family. My parents are still married after 40 years and so are my hubs so that is the only life I know and that is what I wanted. I always questioned if we were only together for the sake of the baby. So the years went by and I suppressed those feelings and doubts and we had another baby and continued to go through the motions of life. I became obsessed with being the best mother I could be and showered my kids with all my love and affection and lost site of being a wife. Through time I felt more and more disconnected emotionally from my hubs and the void I felt in our relationship grew deeper and deeper. I was envious when I would see other couples who looked so happy and truly in love with each other. I wanted to feel this and instead of doing the right thing and talking to my husband about it, I looked externally and once I felt that connection with someone else, it was like wildfire and just spread quickly and I felt alive again and it was almost this 'high' I would get when I knew I would see my affair partner. I thought maybe I could keep my family together and just fill this 'void' on the side with no one knowing. I do love my husband and no matter how strong my void was, I could not imagine actually leaving him. That's why I never actually took it to the next level of filling for divorce.

 

After my affairs came out, my husband has opened up like I have never seen from him before and I am seeing true raw emotion from him which is why for the first time I feel closer to him now then ever. And although I don't deserve it, I see how much he does love me and stands by my side at my lowest point in life which makes me truly fall in love with him. I am trying to find God and am currently in therapy to help address my own self worth issues that have snowballed out of control over years of suppressing so that I can hopefully repair the damage I have caused and heal our marriage. And I don't know if we will work it out or if we are even good for each other but I feel it's a fight we at least need to fight for our sake and our families sake and if it ends in divorce it's not going to be this ugly ' take all the evidence and proof to a lawyer and fight for custody'. We will put aside any selfish feelings or hurt and do what is in the best interest for our children. I may have been a crappy wife but I am a damned good mother and anyone that knows me will attest to that.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I am a good person with a huge heart that made some horrible mistakes and am trying to be a better person. I do not believe the saying 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Yes in some situations there are malicious toxic people who have no regard to others feelings but this is the only relationship I have ever strayed in and it is my biggest regret in life. Gosh I have really rambled on here but just wanted my voice heard to and let everyone know that I love my husband and my family more than life itself.

 

This is no different than what a billion other married people feel. And what you think you see with in love couples is often a public show. Don't ever think you know people well enough to compare your life to theirs. And aside from all that, you have basically gutted your husband. A man who has provided extremely well for you. And you pay him back with this behavior.

 

If you were unhappy, you should've left him. Plain and simple. Or even after your first affair, or maybe your second one -- at what point did you think you'd wake up and realize that you were "unhappy" and that it was time to end your marriage?? I'm thinking you would've never made that decision because you were having too much fun using your cash cow while you flitted around with the little boys and did as you pleased. I doubt that anyone other than your husband will feel any sympathy toward you for what you did.

 

There simply is no rationale that makes you come out looking good in this situation. I hope you accomplished what you wanted, but don't ever forget that you ruined a good man's life.

[whichwayisup]

And one thing I want to clarify that I left out is that this stems from lack of respect for myself, not my husband. My husband is the strongest, most incredible, honest person I have ever met and that is why I adore him and could never walk away from him. I hold the highest respect for him. I have struggled my whole life with self worth and esteem issues and that's why I'm finally getting the therapy I need so that I can be a stronger person and so I wont need self validation from other men.

 

Again, not trying to justify my actions because there is no justification just shedding a little light and personal information about my struggles. I believe people can learn from life mistakes and change with the right help and if they are truly remorseful, which I am. No one is perfect in this world, and I am certainly far from it but its what we learn and how we can grow from those mistakes that make us a better more compassionate human being.

 

Mrs P, your actions show otherwise. You lack respect for yourself, your husband and your children.

 

Can you learn from your mistakes? Are you willing to do EVERYTHING possible to save your marriage? Are you willing to put your husband and your children above your own needs?

 

Having 1 affair is one thing, having 3 is a whole other ballgame. Recovery is going to be so much harder and trust? How could your husband ever trust you? STD's, having sex in the martial bed, having your AP around your children - That's like taking a dump on his side of the bed and peeing all over his clothes. That's not respect, it's selfishness, not caring and not thinking clearly.

 

I am harsh in my words but respectful. Please don't take anything I say out of context or personally - this is tough love and if you want your husband, you have to earn his love and respect again. He feels disrespected and unloved by you, that's for sure.

[Persian4life]

To Mrs Persia... It may be best for you to sign up under your own account.

 

I just wanted to say it takes courage to own up to your choices (affairs are not mistakes). I see you are talking the talk. My question for you is are you walking the walk? What are you doing to help heal your husband? Are you in IC? I suggest you pick up a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" by L. McDonald. In fact, there are copies available for free online. It is very short, but reading it can be eye opening.

 

From what your Husband described, you are a long way from remorse. Understanding the true depths of your betrayal is paramount to begin healing. If that is what you want to do, it will take hard work. Reconciling marriages after infidelity (especially infidelity with extra helpings of disrespect) is difficult under the best of circumstances. You have a dug a deep hole for yourself and your family, but with some good old fashioned elbow grease, empathy and a desire to find out why you did what you did, nothing is impossible.

 

Your opening paragraphs sound a lot like justification even though you say they aren't. Let me ask you this. Do you think Mr. Persia was 100% happy 100% of the time? If he wasn't, then you have to ask yourself why he did not stray from the M. Good luck.

 

In the beginning I think it was all an initial shock when my affair came out and as messed up as this sounds, I did have very strong feelings for my AP and it was a breakup that quite honestly I wasn't ready for. Feelings for someone do not automatically just disappear even if they were formed in an immoral situation and when it all ended it was a loss and I did have a hard time letting go at first but knew I needed to if I was going to try to at least do whatever I could to try to save my marriage. So I was dealing with so many different emotions at the time with trying to heal my husbands broken heart while I was hurting inside from my own. I know you can not possibly understand this unless you have been in the same situation and I don't expect you to. I have read a few healing from affair books with my husband but I know it comes from a deeper issue with me and that is why I am getting IC that I need.

And to answer your question, I thought he felt the same way about not being happy because he always complained I wasn't affectionate with him but he now says that he was happy at the time so we just had terrible communication issues I guess that if we would have addressed earlier, maybe we would not be in this predicament. But I do know that even if he wasn't happy he would never have strayed. Thank you for your encouragement.

[Akheron]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I am a good person with a huge heart that made some horrible mistakes and am trying to be a better person.

 

No. No your notea.

 

I do not believe the saying 'once a cheater always a cheater'.

 

So I guess three times a charm.

 

Yes in some situations there are malicious toxic people who have no regard to others feelings but this is the only relationship I have ever strayed in and it is my biggest regret in life. Gosh I have really rambled on here but just wanted my voice heard to and let everyone know that I love my husband and my family more than life itself.

 

I highly doubt you love your husband. Rather you love him now because you got caught.

[whichwayisup]

In the beginning I think it was all an initial shock when my affair came out and as messed up as this sounds, I did have very strong feelings for my AP and it was a breakup that quite honestly I wasn't ready for. Feelings for someone do not automatically just disappear even if they were formed in an immoral situation and when it all ended it was a loss and I did have a hard time letting go at first but knew I needed to if I was going to try to at least do whatever I could to try to save my marriage. So I was dealing with so many different emotions at the time with trying to heal my husbands broken heart while I was hurting inside from my own. I know you can not possibly understand this unless you have been in the same situation and I don't expect you to. I have read a few healing from affair books with my husband but I know it comes from a deeper issue with me and that is why I am getting IC that I need.

And to answer your question, I thought he felt the same way about not being happy because he always complained I wasn't affectionate with him but he now says that he was happy at the time so we just had terrible communication issues I guess that if we would have addressed earlier, maybe we would not be in this predicament. But I do know that even if he wasn't happy he would never have strayed. Thank you for your encouragement.

I wish you would have made your own thread because now your poor husband has to sift through advice that is meant for him, not you.

 

May I ask how you found out he was posting here? did he tell you? There have been some husband/wives posting together, just please allow him to speak his mind on his thread.

[greaterdevil]

Have some self-respect. You can have a good--no, a great life. You are letting fear of losing your wife, of "breaking" your family prevent you from leaving an abusive situation. Your wife does not respect you nor does she love you, regardless of what she says or even what she believes. Love is a daily choice that is displayed through action.

 

If one of your kids has this happen to them--has an abusive, manipulative, sociopathic spouse--do you want them to remember how Dad stayed together with mom no matter what? Or do you want them to take care of themselves and have a good life?

 

You admitted to having to take Xanax, alcohol, or weed every night to fall asleep. You are in bad shape, man. My heart breaks for you more than so many of the betrayed spouses on this board--because many of them are able to respect themselves enough and are courageous enough to get out of terrible situations.

 

You, on the other hand, are falling to pieces, becoming dependent on drugs (i had a friend who overdosed and died on Xanax and alcohol) and instead of seeing rock bottom, you're trying to dig deeper, bringing your wife on here to defend herself.

 

Trying to blame the 21 year old for banging your wife in your bed and playing daddy with your kids is fallacious at best. Not all 21 year olds are pieces of ****, obviously, and he currently is one, but if anyone will get to say down the line, "i made an oopsie-daisy" it's the kid who got Mrs. Robinson'ed, not the married-with-kids SAHM who introduced her kids to her affair partner who could almost have been her son.

 

It's too late. Even if she WAS remorseful and willing to do EVERYTHING you needed (which she's not, she's not even physically attracted to you now) it would be too late. You will never unsee what you saw.

 

You just sound so completely gone, it scares me. If it were me, I honestly hope my brother or someone would punch me in the face and knock some sense into me. You are risking the little sanity you have left.

 

I know this sounds harsh but you need to wake up.

 

I'd say good luck but you don't need luck. You need to look somewhere DEEP within and find the courage to do the right thing for yourself, for your kids and yes, even for your wife. Hint: it isn't to shield her from the consequences of her incredibly reckless and destructive behavior, nor is for YOU to move out and give her time. You are getting good advice from a lot of people who have been down this road. Take it.

[whichwayisup]

From Persia's wife-

Our home is not broken, just bent but full of more love and life then most homes and we are such a strong family that we can get through anything together. An affair does not equate to a broken home rather its how you resolve it and move forward. And if you read my previous comment, you will see that him opening up emotionally to me is the one thing he has never done in 9 years and has actually made me feel more respect for him and connect with him on a more 'real' level since he can be vulnerable and show his softer side.

 

Please don't blame your husband for your own choices in having 3 affairs. Just because in the past he wasn't completely vulnerable towards you (like he is now, then again he had no choice because you broke him and his heart) doesn't justify you having affairs on him.

[Marc878]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I am a good person with a huge heart that made some horrible mistakes and am trying to be a better person. I do not believe the saying 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Yes in some situations there are malicious toxic people who have no regard to others feelings but this is the only relationship I have ever strayed in and it is my biggest regret in life. Gosh I have really rambled on here but just wanted my voice heard to and let everyone know that I love my husband and my family more than life itself.

 

An affair is never a mistake it's a decision made willingly and knowingly.

 

You need to start with the truth above all if there's a chance to fix this.

 

Your only hope is probably @ 2 years of IC

[Robert]

All - Given that the OP and now, his wife, have their own accounts and can post freely here, please offer constructive advice to each OP. Moderation will be reviewing this thread and those who have not conformed to the Civility and Respect policy will be dealt with.

 

Thank you,

 

~ V

[Raena]

Something about this situation doesn't make sense to me... how is it that this affair occurred in the home in the first place if both of you are in the home all the time?

 

I think it's good that you are both on here now to speak your minds from both sides but I still stand by my own gut feeling that this isn't fixable.

 

Mrs. P: Claiming to have low-self-esteem doesn't explain away 3 separate affairs. One maybe, but three? That speaks of zero respect for the marriage and family. You just didn't think you'd get caught. It's not uncommon for cheaters to make all sorts of excuses after getting caught. It's all part of the handbook. I've heard them all. After awhile it just sounds like what it is... excuses. How will you ever convince Mr. P that you won't do it again? Why should he believe you?

 

Mr. P: What is your gut telling you to do at this point? I've been where you are and I know the struggle. Is it really worth it to try and reconcile in this situation? I think you probably do need some time away from this for a bit to really think about how you feel but I still feel strongly that you shouldn't be the one to leave.

 

Either way, you both are in for a tumultuous ride for quite awhile.

[bathtub-row]

Something about this situation doesn't make sense to me... how is it that this affair occurred in the home in the first place if both of you are in the home all the time?

 

I'm wondering the same thing.

[persia]

Just got back from the gym, looks like this board has been pretty busy. To answer Raene's question, I travel for work (once a week a day long trip and 1 to 4 nights I do overnight trips per month). Most of the affairs occurred when she would go to the gym and the kids were at school or make excuses of girls night out, bunko, things like that when I was around. A few times I think my parents watched the kids. As for what my gut tells me, it tells me that this is fixable and that I have a wife who has a good heart but that has just fallen down a deep hole. We're both at low points in our life and we were always eachother's rock. I guess it comes to if we're strong enough to be eachothers rock when we're both so vulnerable and hurt.

 

I do not really know what she needs anymore, I don't think she even knows that and is hoping to find that out in therapy. I know what I need; I need her to show remorse even if it is at the expense of her AP's, I need her to show her sorrow and go above and beyond to get forgiveness. And most importantly, I need my wife back. My wife who I share my good times with and not just these bad times, the wife who use to make me smile and laugh and who made me feel safe and shared intimacy. Does my gut say that is possible? Yes, is it realistic? I don't know, I know it will be incredibly hard, but I am willing to put in the work.

 

As for all the divorce stuff, I don't care about that so much. $$ comes and goes, it does not mean much to me. If we got divorce I would want 50/50 for the kids or for her to have majority custody, because believe it or not, as ****ty of a life long partner she has been she is an amazing mother and I will not take that from her. As for the assets and $$, I don't care about that. I am financially sound and can earn enough money to get by with child support/ailmoney or whatever else. At the end of the day I do love her and want what's best for my family.

[Persian4life]

Something about this situation doesn't make sense to me... how is it that this affair occurred in the home in the first place if both of you are in the home all the time?

 

I think it's good that you are both on here now to speak your minds from both sides but I still stand by my own gut feeling that this isn't fixable.

 

Mrs. P: Claiming to have low-self-esteem doesn't explain away 3 separate affairs. One maybe, but three? That speaks of zero respect for the marriage and family. You just didn't think you'd get caught. It's not uncommon for cheaters to make all sorts of excuses after getting caught. It's all part of the handbook. I've heard them all. After awhile it just sounds like what it is... excuses. How will you ever convince Mr. P that you won't do it again? Why should he believe you?

 

Mr. P: What is your gut telling you to do at this point? I've been where you are and I know the struggle. Is it really worth it to try and reconcile in this situation? I think you probably do need some time away from this for a bit to really think about how you feel but I still feel strongly that you shouldn't be the one to leave.

 

Either way, you both are in for a tumultuous ride for quite awhile.

 

The reason I share about the self esteem issue is not to justify and I don't think I'm using that as an excuse just shedding light on my own insecurities because that does have an effect on our day to day lives and I do believe that influences the choices we make in life. But at the end of the day, I am a grown woman and made the bad choices I made hoping that I would never get caught because I did think it would be the end of my marriage. Maybe thats what I wanted subconsciously for him to find out and leave me so I would not be tormented with this monumental decision of ending my marriage. I really don't know how I can convince MrP that I am remorseful that is the struggle. I cant grovel everyday because at the end of the day feeling like I don't deserve to have happiness and am a terrible person is where this all stems from and I can't beat myself up too much. I do know that I love his more then anything and hope I can show that to him in time.

[MrBojangles]

The reason I share about the self esteem issue is not to justify and I don't think I'm using that as an excuse just shedding light on my own insecurities because that does have an effect on our day to day lives and I do believe that influences the choices we make in life. But at the end of the day, I am a grown woman and made the bad choices I made hoping that I would never get caught because I did think it would be the end of my marriage. Maybe thats what I wanted subconsciously for him to find out and leave me so I would not be tormented with this monumental decision of ending my marriage. I really don't know how I can convince MrP that I am remorseful that is the struggle. I cant grovel everyday because at the end of the day feeling like I don't deserve to have happiness and am a terrible person is where this all stems from and I can't beat myself up too much. I do know that I love his more then anything and hope I can show that to him in time.

 

 

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Would you file for divorce and dump a wayward husband that engaged in 3 different affairs?

 

Sounds like you do not have much to worry about, as Persia has stated he still loves you, and is leaning towards giving your marriage another try.

[MrBojangles]

Just got back from the gym, looks like this board has been pretty busy. To answer Raene's question, I travel for work (once a week a day long trip and 1 to 4 nights I do overnight trips per month). Most of the affairs occurred when she would go to the gym and the kids were at school or make excuses of girls night out, bunko, things like that when I was around. A few times I think my parents watched the kids. As for what my gut tells me, it tells me that this is fixable and that I have a wife who has a good heart but that has just fallen down a deep hole. We're both at low points in our life and we were always eachother's rock. I guess it comes to if we're strong enough to be eachothers rock when we're both so vulnerable and hurt.

 

I do not really know what she needs anymore, I don't think she even knows that and is hoping to find that out in therapy. I know what I need; I need her to show remorse even if it is at the expense of her AP's, I need her to show her sorrow and go above and beyond to get forgiveness. And most importantly, I need my wife back. My wife who I share my good times with and not just these bad times, the wife who use to make me smile and laugh and who made me feel safe and shared intimacy. Does my gut say that is possible? Yes, is it realistic? I don't know, I know it will be incredibly hard, but I am willing to put in the work.

 

As for all the divorce stuff, I don't care about that so much. $$ comes and goes, it does not mean much to me. If we got divorce I would want 50/50 for the kids or for her to have majority custody, because believe it or not, as ****ty of a life long partner she has been she is an amazing mother and I will not take that from her. As for the assets and $$, I don't care about that. I am financially sound and can earn enough money to get by with child support/ailmoney or whatever else. At the end of the day I do love her and want what's best for my family.

 

I wish you the best of luck should you reconcile with Mrs. Persia. However, I do not think you've seen the level of remorse or sincerity to deem her worthy of a second chance. She comes across as being very sorry she was caught, but if you read between the lines, she is still not 100% clear that she even wants to remain married to YOU.

 

Again, best of luck to you both.

[bubbaganoosh]

And one thing I want to clarify that I left out is that this stems from lack of respect for myself, not my husband. My husband is the strongest, most incredible, honest person I have ever met and that is why I adore him and could never walk away from him. I hold the highest respect for him.

 

Hate to say this but you have a lousy way of showing how much you adore and respect for him. Not bad enough you had an affair but three? How many affairs do you need before you actually believe what you just typed above?

 

Sorry but I can't buy it. It's nothing but one excuse after another and if you were really sorry and remorseful you wouldn't have had to go through three affairs to realize that. Any other man would have thrown you out on your ear with your personal items and been told to never come back. You want him to believe you then try proving it by being faithful. Sorry if this is harsh but you made this mess.

[CoolHandLuke76]

I read you said you think this is fixable. Just make sure you understand that you will never get over this and you will never forget what she did. It'll always be there even if you are with her for the next 50 years. She said she loved these scumbags and she put them before you and your children. Are you sure you want to reconcile with someone like that?

[bathtub-row]

Just got back from the gym, looks like this board has been pretty busy. To answer Raene's question, I travel for work (once a week a day long trip and 1 to 4 nights I do overnight trips per month). Most of the affairs occurred when she would go to the gym and the kids were at school or make excuses of girls night out, bunko, things like that when I was around. A few times I think my parents watched the kids. As for what my gut tells me, it tells me that this is fixable and that I have a wife who has a good heart but that has just fallen down a deep hole. We're both at low points in our life and we were always eachother's rock. I guess it comes to if we're strong enough to be eachothers rock when we're both so vulnerable and hurt.

 

I do not really know what she needs anymore, I don't think she even knows that and is hoping to find that out in therapy. I know what I need; I need her to show remorse even if it is at the expense of her AP's, I need her to show her sorrow and go above and beyond to get forgiveness. And most importantly, I need my wife back. My wife who I share my good times with and not just these bad times, the wife who use to make me smile and laugh and who made me feel safe and shared intimacy. Does my gut say that is possible? Yes, is it realistic? I don't know, I know it will be incredibly hard, but I am willing to put in the work.

 

As for all the divorce stuff, I don't care about that so much. $$ comes and goes, it does not mean much to me. If we got divorce I would want 50/50 for the kids or for her to have majority custody, because believe it or not, as ****ty of a life long partner she has been she is an amazing mother and I will not take that from her. As for the assets and $$, I don't care about that. I am financially sound and can earn enough money to get by with child support/ailmoney or whatever else. At the end of the day I do love her and want what's best for my family.

 

You need to do what you feel is best for you. That's all you can do. Most of the time when people are blindsided as you have been, we simply cannot move, cannot go backward or forward, for fear of making the wrong choice.

 

It would be great if your wife can suddenly change from being a serial cheater to a faithful wife. It would be wonderful if the two of you can re-group and rekindle what you once had. It would be great if all of this could be wiped away like it never happened. And I hope that it can be. I really do. I hope it all works out.

 

But just know that once the shock wears off and once the pain subsides, you're going to look at your wife with a new set of eyes and I'm not so sure you're going to feel the same way. The truth is, these are the only affairs you know about but there have probably been others. If there haven't been, there probably would've been had you not found out about them. What she did to you was so completely offensive that it has you spinning in circles right now, and it will for a long time.

 

As others have pointed out, one affair is bad but almost understandable in some cases. But multiple affairs, in your home, around your children, in your bed -- that just goes beyond anything most people could ever overlook. Do not be too hard on yourself if you find someday that you can't get past what has been done to you.

 

I think the best thing you could do now is stay in your home, sleep apart from your wife, and go to individual counseling. I know you want to feel desirable but I don't think your wife deserves any attention from you right now. She needs to show remorse and needs to show that she is truly sorry. And she needs to do that for a long period of time. Not just for a day or two. Someone else made a good suggestion about journaling -- this includes all your rotten, angry, putrid thoughts. I think this is a great idea. You need to channel this negative energy somewhere, some how. If you don't like reading those thoughts, then write them and then burn them. And venting on this site is always helpful.

Edited May 17, 2016 by bathtub-row

[tseratievig]

aliveagain knows how to cut straight to the core. To summarize his questions for Persian4life here they are in a condensed and slightly nicer tone:

 

 

 

1. Explain how you thought it was OK to have unprotected sex with these men?

2. What kind of wife takes a man into her marital bed with her children less than 20 feet away?

3. How do you reply to this statement made to Persia: “Persia, expose the affair to the other betrayed spouses, they deserve to know the truth about the men their married to. If your wife asks you not to, that means she's choosing to protect her affair partners over you and your pain. Any wife that chooses her affair partners pain over her husbands doesn't deserve to be married to you.”

 

 

My questions:

1. The title of this is Wife had three affairs… so broken now. Is this an accurate title? Are there more affairs that Persian hasn’t discovered? Should the title be Wife had three affairs that I know of… so broken now.

2. Besides hating yourself and the self-loathing, what are you doing for Persian regarding your actions, not words? You realize that he’s hurting on a scale several times the pain you feel. What are you doing for HIM?

[persia]

Bathtub, thanks for your response, it was more helpful then people just bashing my wife. Bashing her is also bashing me, she is a part of me and who I picked. You're right, It would be great if all those things happen. I know that IF any of it happens, it is not overnight. I doubt I ever look at her the same way as before, but that doesn't mean we cannot form a new bond and new relationship where she is faithful and -both- of our needs are met. No doubt we are in for a long road.

[persia]

I wish you the best of luck should you reconcile with Mrs. Persia. However, I do not think you've seen the level of remorse or sincerity to deem her worthy of a second chance. She comes across as being very sorry she was caught, but if you read between the lines, she is still not 100% clear that she even wants to remain married to YOU.

 

Again, best of luck to you both.

 

MrBonjangles, to answer your first question from my POV, if the shoe was on the other foot I think she would have left. I think I am far more loyal then most people, though, almost to a fault. But before all this happened if you asked me if I would have stayed I would have said no. Once things really occur and you're facing reality decisions are pretty surprising.

 

As for the next post (quoted above), I also need to feel more remorse from her. I've asked for her to do a lot of things, some extreme and some not so much. Those things were met with a battle and some of them not done, so yes, I need more remorse shown. I'm hoping that comes in time? She always says she is very remorseful and sorry, but I just wish that came from actions and not words. The first month was spent with me trying to win her back, which is pretty pathetic when you think of it. Like I said, I'm a broken person.

[ladydesigner]

Serial cheaters don't just wake up one day and stop. You can wait it out like a few of us have then wonder why ten years later. If you think the cheating is bad your wrong. Its the fact that you knew about it and you stayed. You will kick your own axx over that one for the rest of your life. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't feel stupid for staying. Its been ten years since and I still suffer from it.

 

The sooner you get away from her the better off you will be.

 

Some people are just broken.

 

C

 

You can say that again! I wouldn't even attempt reconciliation unless there was true remorse and a true stop to the A.