Wife had 3 affairs... so broken now

[Akheron]

All very legit questions and I appreciate the less hostile tone. I am not on here to get bashed only to show that the person who has strayed is human too and I know every marriage and couple is different and just because you may have been betrayed by some heartless evil person it doesn't mean that everyone who has not been faithful is like that.

 

Maam, the depths of your betrayal are beyond evil. The bashing should be expected.

 

Most, such as myself, felt extreme guilt and asked myself daily "why cant i just stop seeing this person? I love my family more then anything and don't want to lose them." But it is like a weird addiction that just feels like you can't stop no matter how bad you want to and every time you leave the AP it must be how an alcoholic feels after taking a drink. You hate yourself and tell yourself that it is the last time, yet it doesn't stop. I don't expect anyone to understand that unless you have struggled with some type of addiction. I am not a serial cheater; I love having one special person in my life but I guess you could say I was/am confused on what was missing in my marriage that I felt like I needed to find it elsewhere and that is why I am in IC. Okay now to get to your questions...here we go...

 

But you didn't have one special person. You had three (sorry, four, if you include your husband). Again your words don't match your actions.

 

 

1.With the first affair partner I used protection every single time.

 

So how many times was it? How long did affair #1 go on? Have you provided a complete timeline to your husband on all of your affairs? Did you volunteer it?

 

We were both married and did not want to risk stds. The second affair was not sexual at all only emotional. Third one, I trusted him when he said he had no stds and he didn't have any. Looking back I see the stupidity in that and I have taken std tests after it ended to make sure I'm clean.

 

For what reason would you trust Mr. Mohawk about STD's (or anything for that matter), but yet completely disrespect/humiliate your husband? I just don't get this.

 

2. There really is no answer to that one only that it was the only way to be together and to clarify is was twice and I actually did put that to an end because I knew it was beyond crossing a line. My children knew him so I was not letting a stranger in my house nor would I ever allow anyone so much as to look at my children if I didn't know them.

 

So how long did you know Mr. Mohawk before you bedded him? A week, a month? And you trusted this guy to be around your kids? Again, you said you loved the fact that you had one special person in your life, but it didn't take long for you to have not one, but three affairs. Did #1 meet your kids? Did you take him to your bed? None of this makes sense.

 

3. It wasn't because I was trying to protect my APs feelings or trying to disregard my husbands that I didn't want MrP to tell his wife. It was simply because we had ended the relationship over 7 months ago and had no contact with eachother whatsoever anymore and I knew how much his children meant to him and I didn't want his children to suffer or tear his family apart. I knew he loved his family and his wife as him and I had started out as friends for about 6 months talking about our families and then an emotional connection formed that later became physical.

 

All of this says that, in fact, you were trying to protect your AP and disregard your husband's feelings. Your husband wanted to inform AP's wife. You disregarded his feelings because..... you get the picture.

 

 

We knew neither of us wanted to leave our family and so we ended our affair. I also knew that Mr.P was coming from a vindictive place at that time because the pain was so fresh and he wanted to hurt this guy and his family the way he was hurting and I didn't want it to come from a place of hatred and I was trying to focus all our time and energy into repairing us, not trying to destroy another family.

 

Wait. What? What you did can be considered coming from a place of hatred, but yet you were worried that your husband was trying to hurt someone else from a place of hatred? A little hypocritical don't you think.

 

Mr.P and I brought up his desire to tell the APs wife to our therapist and she did not think that was a wise decision so we didn't. As of two weeks ago, Mr.P did bring it up again to reach out and tell the wife and I finally agreed to it. And needless to say she was shocked and devastated but hopefully for their children's sake they can work out their issues as well.

 

Onto your questions:

1. No I have had two emotional/physical affairs and 1 emotional affair so 3 total. I think that is more then enough.

2. Yes I do realize and see the pain I've caused him and have to live with the fact that I have forever changed his once innocent and positive outlook on life to one that is now tainted by deceit, lies and manipulation. He has asked me to do several things and I feel like I have done most but I do feel like some are extreme and will not do them such as getting a tattoo of his name on my body. I have no tattoos and to me this seems a little extreme. No? I do want to do whatever I can to help him and have put so much more into our marriage then I ever have before, such as suggesting date nights or being more affectionate with him. I'm trying to spend more quality time together. I never did that before and I know it is important to him so I am trying to do things like that to show my love and commitment to him. I'm not sure it will work but I am giving 100% my all.

 

Have you volunteered to set a polygraph to prove its only three affairs?

 

Have you provided a complete detailed timeline of your affairs?

 

What have you been doing on your own to prove that you love your husband. The only things you have discussed have been what your husband has asked. Nothing about what you are voluteering.

 

What about getting a job, so that your husband won't be on the hook if he decides to divorce you?

 

My guess is that you are in CYA mode right now, as your husband is your meal ticket.

[Cherryz]

Or let her buy the new bed and pay for it . To show her commitment to a new start. Since shes

not moving a finger for the mess shes making.

[Buckeye2]

Your wife doesn’t think having sex with other men is that big of a deal. She knows on an intellectual level that she agreed not to but she doesn’t get it on a gut level. The analogy I use is someone growing up eating pork and then converting to a religion where it’s a sin. When they’re caught they’re sorry that they hurt and disappointed people but enjoying some bacon just isn’t all that bad no matter what anyone says.

 

 

DNA your kids and file for divorce. If you stay with her just admit that you will have a one way open marriage. Ask her to be more discreet. "Don't ask don't tell." If you don’t your primary job will be to constantly check up on her. That’s noway to live.

[Cherryz]

From Persia's wife- I just read through my husbands posts and all the comments and I feel that it must sound as though I am this evil vicious person that has no respect or regard for my husband or his feelings, only my own. And I cant say I would feel any differently reading that from an outsiders point of view. Let me be very clear, I am in no way making excuses or validating any of my behaviors just wanting to give my perspective and maybe where I'm coming from.

 

What I've done is disgusting and to most unforgivable. I know cheating is wrong and never the right answer. I have questioned my happiness and in the back of my mind always wondered if I was truly in love with my husband or just loved him because he is such a wonderful man and father to our children and whether I was simply going through the motions to keep my family together because I am in love with our two children and could never imagine not seeing them every day and reading and singing to them every night.

 

My husband and I met and got pregnant with our first child 3 months after dating. He was a lot younger then me and not like the typical older men I was accustomed to dating and our personalities were polar opposites. I never felt he truly opened up to me and always had a wall up and never let me in all the way, he has always been very serious, private and withholding and I am very warm, passionate about life, and open up to people quickly and wear my heart on my sleeve. I wasn't thinking it was going to be a long term relationship. We had our beautiful baby and I immediately fell in love with our child and decided to stay together and make it work for the sake of being a true family. My parents are still married after 40 years and so are my hubs so that is the only life I know and that is what I wanted. I always questioned if we were only together for the sake of the baby. So the years went by and I suppressed those feelings and doubts and we had another baby and continued to go through the motions of life. I became obsessed with being the best mother I could be and showered my kids with all my love and affection and lost site of being a wife. Through time I felt more and more disconnected emotionally from my hubs and the void I felt in our relationship grew deeper and deeper. I was envious when I would see other couples who looked so happy and truly in love with each other. I wanted to feel this and instead of doing the right thing and talking to my husband about it, I looked externally and once I felt that connection with someone else, it was like wildfire and just spread quickly and I felt alive again and it was almost this 'high' I would get when I knew I would see my affair partner. I thought maybe I could keep my family together and just fill this 'void' on the side with no one knowing. I do love my husband and no matter how strong my void was, I could not imagine actually leaving him. That's why I never actually took it to the next level of filling for divorce.

 

After my affairs came out, my husband has opened up like I have never seen from him before and I am seeing true raw emotion from him which is why for the first time I feel closer to him now then ever. And although I don't deserve it, I see how much he does love me and stands by my side at my lowest point in life which makes me truly fall in love with him. I am trying to find God and am currently in therapy to help address my own self worth issues that have snowballed out of control over years of suppressing so that I can hopefully repair the damage I have caused and heal our marriage. And I don't know if we will work it out or if we are even good for each other but I feel it's a fight we at least need to fight for our sake and our families sake and if it ends in divorce it's not going to be this ugly ' take all the evidence and proof to a lawyer and fight for custody'. We will put aside any selfish feelings or hurt and do what is in the best interest for our children. I may have been a crappy wife but I am a damned good mother and anyone that knows me will attest to that.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I am a good person with a huge heart that made some horrible mistakes and am trying to be a better person. I do not believe the saying 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Yes in some situations there are malicious toxic people who have no regard to others feelings but this is the only relationship I have ever strayed in and it is my biggest regret in life. Gosh I have really rambled on here but just wanted my voice heard to and let everyone know that I love my husband and my family more than life itself.

 

 

Interesting to see wifey finding out his husband post topic here and make a accaunt to react.

I hope the 3 affair partners also dont sign on.:confused:

 

Its nice that you want to share your part. But i dont think its good for your relationship with your husband to also be here and keep posting and saying things also that you had 10 years to tell him honestly face to face but never did. This will only confuse the therapy and not help.

Instead of sit here and post replys on a topic your husband just opened because he ddnt know what to do because of the stuff you are doing, why dont you have this conversations with him personally and was honest from day one?

And why dont you be this honest in therapy so it can progress?

 

We dont need to know your business or answer to everything. Invest that "honesty" and energy in telling it and being honest to him and in working on your marriage and yourself. So that if this not work out , at least you can grow and become a better person and better relationship material.

 

Your post just sound like excuses and you trying to clear your name and get some self pitty.

Its really sad to see you have no remorse. This guy is to good. He need to work on his self esteem and leave you.

It can happen that you not inlove anymore back then, but why waste peoples time? And also disrespect them with 3 affairs also do it in their bed?

 

Anywhere in your post or his i read something that looks like you have remorse.

And that really makes me mad. Beside you had affair with 21 year old. So how can you say you more into older and they make you feel good?

 

At the end, stop wasting his time. Be honest. And if you want to sleep around, give him full custody and divorce him and go sleep around!

But dont waste and mess peoples live!

Beside your kids also see what you are doing! And this will work against you now or later!

 

Be honest with this guy. You wasnt honest 10 years ago, be it now!

If you dont want to be with him just tell him.

He better off with the truth then you lying and keep disrespecting him.

 

He is really a good guy. Because many other men wouldn't have been

this nice to you so far that you can even be in the house still and chill at LS. Things would have end very quick and not in a pretty way.

 

I advice you to be honest with him. And if you want to leave do it. Dont stay and mess things more up. The kids are suffering too! Loudly and in silent!!

Stop pushing him to the limit! And he need to choose for him and the kids.

I dont think you serious about anything of him or the kids.

 

Your mind is into getting high in affairs. Its sad.

Continue the therapy rather you divorce or no. I think your issues are much deeper and only if you are 100% honest you can get something out of therapy. Otherwise you wasting your time.

[oldshirt]

When people show you who and what they are - believe them.

 

You now know who and what she is and you can now see how it is going to be.

 

If you chose to stay and accept this, then you have made your own bed (complete with other men's wet spots)

 

Nothing can be done for you if you can't/won't stand up for yourself.

 

If you are going to be this weak and pathetic, then nothing anyone says will be of any benefit.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Persia, it is apparent that your marriage is a train wreck of monumental proportions and irrespective of what your wife says she is a truly evil person. Of course you may choose to reconcile with her but it seems to me that after what she has done you would be better of being married to a prostitute because at least that person would be upfront and honest with you about she was doing.

 

Years later when this thing has eaten into your entrails and burnt you out as a man, a husband and a father, you will look back to this exchange that you have had on LS and curse and kick yourself for not listening to and heeding the good advice offered to you, free of cost, by well meaning people who have your best interests at heart and you will weep. But it will be too late. The Bus would have gone, the Train would have left the station and you would be left ineffectually, waving your useless ticket in the air. Warm wishes to you and the very best for what the future will bring you. Amen.

Edited May 17, 2016 by Just a Guy

[notbroken]

Persia, what would your wife have to do for you to divorce her? It is a legitimate question. Hasn't she already crossed that line and then some? You are making excuses and they come out of fear - not desire to stay together or concern for your kids (the most common excuse - your kids need a good example of marriage too and this is definitely not it). You can't turn back history. The damage is done. All you are doing is delaying the inevitable and torturing yourself. Get out for your own sanity and the health of your family. All of them.

[aliveagain]

This is just my opinion but how does a relatively intelligent 40 year old wife and mother of two decide to bring a 20 year old heavily tattooed guy with a Mohawk into her home then bang him in her husbands bed with her children in the next room, not once but multiple times, then try to explain it in a logical way to her husband after he catches her? Persia, they would still be doing this today if you hadn't caught her. Why would she allow the Mohawk haired guy to photograph the event since Persia has stated he has seen the pictures of the two of them in the sex act and after the sex act? How does she explain to her husband that she is having a hard time choosing between them? How does she come onto his thread and tell a bunch of strangers that she misses Mohawk hair guy and is in great pain? Persia, a monkey sitting on a rock would know it's time to lawyer up.

 

Have your lawyer prepare the post nuptial agreement, present it to her with your list of requirements you need in order to stay married to her and tell her the date of the polygraph test she will be required to pass. If she gives you anymore of the me, me, me, b/s just help her pack her stuff and drop her and her stuff off at the Mohawk hair guys daddy's house and wish them both luck, file and don't look back. She is all in, 100% Persia and marriage or get rid of her. Who want's a part time wife with boyfriends? You deserve better then that.

[tillwemeetagain]

Not sure where to even begin, but I have read a lot of other peoples post and found the feedback they received to be really insightful.

 

I'll start off with a little bit of back story, I'm 33year and my wife is 39, we've been married for 5 years and together for almost 10. We have a 8year old and 4 year old. My wife use to be a career centered woman who earned around 80k and I earn around 120k, we made a move out of a major metro area to the suburbs a few hours out so that she could be a stay at home mom full time. She always was amazingly gorgeous, but after two kids wanted her breast done and then later a nose job. She looks like a model and has a lot of issues with security of herself physically. She is very materialistic and has an out going personality. She easily makes a lot of friends and is that person who everyone wants to be around.

 

About 18 months ago my wife began a 'friendship' with a guy #1 at our gym behind my back. That grew into a full blown affair for about 6 to 8 months. This guy is also married and also has 2 kids. He owns a construction company and is apparently well off. There affair revolved around both of them saying they're just going through the motions of life and are unhappy with their partners, but love their children and family dynamic. During that time she also met another guy at a casino and made out with him during a girls night out. Her friends saw this and some of them began to turn their back on her. Guy #2 kept in contact over text/calls for a few months, she claims they met once for coffee and that was it.

 

She ended things with guy #1 once she started going out on 'play dates' with guy #3, also from our gym. Guy #3 is 21 years old, a part time waiter with no future and a step-kid of his own. He is the opposite of me; mohawk style haircut, covered in tattoos, earrings, egoistical and care free. During the 6+ month affair with guy #3, they spoke of having kids (named their future children), had a plan on how she was going to get a divorce and knew the alimony and child support. I found out about their sexual activities and needless to say they were extremely kinky and had sex constantly. This guy had met my kids, my youngest kid he has seen multiple times and he has slept over at our house when I go on business trips. Once I found out about him, I found out about the other 2 guys. It has been a worldwind of emotions.

 

We are in therapy and it has been very hard for my wife to end things with guy #3. In fact, the first week after I found out and she promised to end it they had spoken over 100 times in text, over 100 times in emails, a few times on the phone and met a few times. I cried myself to sleep every night while she promised that she ended it, so when I found out about the continued conversations I was devastated even more. That honestly hurt just as bad as the affairs. To hear them talk about sex (I read the emails) and how much they missed eachother was so hard to swallow that I spiraled into a very deep depression.

 

Fast forward 2 months and I am still having a very hard time. For the first month she defended both her ex-affair partners. She didn't want me to let #1's wife know. She also would defend #2 constantly. She had gotten drunk with her girlfriends and went to his house, claims he wasn't home. A few weeks later after another girls night she did the same thing. She deny's how long she was there, says she went there to the parking lot of his apartment to 'key his car' (long story there, this guy cheated on her during the affair and the other girl keyed our car.). But anyways, that turned out to be over an hour, so I have a hard time buying that story. I find myself in doubt constantly, for example, she ran to Walgreens for allergy medicine last week (which is in the same parking lot as the gym where both of these guys were during that time of day) and it took 1.5 hours. We live 10 minutes from Walgreens. Things like that make me really question her and when I do she gets angry at me for questioning her.

 

In 8 months we've had sex three times. We're both very sexual people, I would prefer to have it nightly. We use to have it 1 or 2 times a week. After guy #3, our sex life went to almost 0. We used condoms for those 3 times and it was the worst and most awkward sex in both of our lives. Since the affair has come out, we've had no sexual interaction at all. Oddly enough, I tried hard to have sex with her many times. I cannot stand that the last person to be with her was #3 and that the last person who had sex in our bed was #3. I take Xanax, alcohol or pot nightly to fall asleep now. It is the only way I was able to sleep without pressuring her to have sex, she says it felt like I raped her the last few times we did it. For over 2 years she has cried in the bathroom secretly every time we were intimate. The drugs are also the only way I fall asleep in this bed knowing who was last here sexually. We've taken family trips since all of this and I have slept fine in the hotels without any need for drugs.

 

I'm starting to fall out of love with her I think. I cannot and do not want to see myself with anymore else, she was always the woman of my dreams from day 1. But now I look at her so much differently. I look at her and I constantly see the images (I have seen pics of them having sex and pictures of him after they have sex). I know of a lot of the sexual acts they've done that we have never even come close to exploring. My self esteem and self perception is completely shattered and I feel that she destroyed a part of my soul. I so want to be able to look at her and see the woman of my dreams again, but now it has gotten to the point that things are so awkward that I am now just going through the motions and doing a terrible job at it. I do not want to break apart my family unit but it is not fair for either of us to live like this. Today she mentioned I should move out for a month so we can see what life is like without each other. But she still wants to date once a week during that time to see if we can form a new bond. I've read several self help books. In fact, the first one I asked her to pickup while I was at our kids baseball game but she was to busy talking to guy #3 to do it. I hold so much resentment for what she has done to me and I have tried to move forward, but she has rejected me countless times. She does not feel that intimate connection or need to have sex with me and the countless amount of rejection has made me lose my desire for her. She is against porn (she was once engaged and broke it off due to the guy watching porn) and considers that to be close to cheating. I have my needs, I do not want to stray from her, but am at a loss what to do. I even asked her for pictures (hell, she sent #3 countless pictures of her nude) to get by with until we're reading to connect but that never happened. I am incredibly stressed out and feel like I have aged 10 years in the past 2 months. I am becoming a worse father due to my frustrations with her and our sex life and due to my deepening depression and the amount of anger I hold. I am truely at a loss on what to do.

 

Any thoughts or advice on people who have gone through similar situations would be much appreciated. I just want to be able to look at my wife the way I use too, to share our lives together, to grow old together, to have passion and love and to have an amazing life. I feel like I had it all and it slip through my fingers.

 

 

 

I have been reading your post this whole day.. and I actually put myself in your shoe. my MM now is the same person that hurt me over and over again.. now no matter what my friends is telling me to do. so I wont ever get hurt again. I keep on doing the same thing that my minds and heart says. now at your situation since there are kids and yes you might wanna fix it first.. but then since your wife thinks that she wanted to be alone and think let her be.. because you cannot fix the relationship alone. you can stay with the marriage until you want but do you think it is still worth keeping if you always taught of what she have done? do you think you can ever forgive her if she stops what she is doing? because if in any cse that you stay with the marriage with her but then you cannot fully forgive her. it will be hell for everyone specially for the kids.. you might want to have sometime alone and think over and over about what you really wanted to do with the situation. and think of the kids what is the best do you think for them. I hope what is best for them and for you.. and what ever your religion is please ask for guidance for every decision you will be making since this a very hard situations.and very tough decision..

[merrmeade]

Really. aliveagain's post says it.

 

Being remorseful means NO excuses. This 'lady' actually believes there is a defense and explanation for everything she's done and thinks we will buy it. Nobody but Mr. P believes her drivel. Don't get it. Her beauty maybe?

[Cherryz]

Most people that sadly enough had a affair often just had it with one person

that they had to to get ride off.

And ddnt make pictures and videos. But try to hide it at much as possible to not

have remembrance of it.

Also choose places far from home so they wont get caught.

 

But your wife just did all the opposite. That shows how much f*** she gives about you!

ANd this is what makes her look like a horrible person!

And not just one that did "few mistakes".

She went for the most dirty way, and sadly enough you haven't done anything this bad to her to give her a reason.

 

Topic starter please work on your self esteem and stand up for yourself.

Also talk with your parents. So they can speak you some boost to wake up.

This look like she just hate you very much.

And dont care about anything, but her self.

[merrmeade]

Still trying to get my head around...

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I am a good person with a huge heart that made some horrible mistakes and am trying to be a better person...

So, just a good person trying to be better... Gosh.

 

And:

I was emphasizing that seeing this side of him made me realize just how much i do really love him as I was questioning my love for him before.

This is like Teen Magazine love: What is love? How do I know if I really love him?

Or maybe younger when we used to pull petals out of a daisy - Love him, no I don't, love him, no I don't....

 

She's an adult. You're married. And she's trying to find a good reason to love you? What is going through your head, Mr. P?

[aliveagain]

In the beginning I think it was all an initial shock when my affair came out and as messed up as this sounds, I did have very strong feelings for my AP and it was a breakup that quite honestly I wasn't ready for. Feelings for someone do not automatically just disappear even if they were formed in an immoral situation and when it all ended it was a loss and I did have a hard time letting go at first but knew I needed to if I was going to try to at least do whatever I could to try to save my marriage. So I was dealing with so many different emotions at the time with trying to heal my husbands broken heart while I was hurting inside from my own. I know you can not possibly understand this unless you have been in the same situation and I don't expect you to. I have read a few healing from affair books with my husband but I know it comes from a deeper issue with me and that is why I am getting IC that I need.

And to answer your question, I thought he felt the same way about not being happy because he always complained I wasn't affectionate with him but he now says that he was happy at the time so we just had terrible communication issues I guess that if we would have addressed earlier, maybe we would not be in this predicament. But I do know that even if he wasn't happy he would never have strayed. Thank you for your encouragement.

 

Here are your own words telling us how much you, an intelligent(used to make 80K plus a year) 40 year old mother of 2 and wife, were in love with this 21 year old tattooed, Mohawk guy that lives with his daddy and works part time as a server who obviously couldn't afford a hotel room so you had to bring him into your home with your 8 and 4 year old children sleeping in the next room. Explain to us in your own words how a married 40 year old woman and a 21 year old tattooed, Mohawked part time waiter make a great couple? Having sex with your husband makes you feel like you were raped but here you are giving it away to a guy that probably gets asked for ID in a bar, you or he photograph the sex acts that your husband eventually finds and you jack your husband's thread so you can tell us how nice you really are and how hurt you are by O/M three because you weren't done with him yet. Did I miss anything?

 

I guess I missed the part about how you made out with a stranger in a casino in front of your girlfriends. I tried to not write about that one because my ex did exactly the same thing to me. She also was banging someone for two years behind my back. She got pregnant by him, had the baby and tried to pass him off as mine until I found out the truth when he was about a year old. She had a boob job done too. I was already in love with her so I couldn't understand why she wanted it until much later, two years later.

[drifter777]

Dude - you might stay married to your cheating wife but you will never reconcile. She's a serial cheater and will never stop.

 

Bringing a guy home to meet the kids & screwing him in your bed should be enough to show you just how much she hates being married to you. These things are very symbolic and show just how badly she wants the attention, affection, and sex from other men. Divorce her now or later - I recommend now so you can save yourself another d-day and more disrespect, heartbreak and betrayal.

[Raena]

Bathtub, thanks for your response, it was more helpful then people just bashing my wife. Bashing her is also bashing me, she is a part of me and who I picked. You're right, It would be great if all those things happen. I know that IF any of it happens, it is not overnight. I doubt I ever look at her the same way as before, but that doesn't mean we cannot form a new bond and new relationship where she is faithful and -both- of our needs are met. No doubt we are in for a long road.

 

Thinking the bolded portion is not healthy for you. You wife is your partner but she's not you. You are independent of each other and make your own choices. She made the choices she made and that behavior warrants the comments she is receiving. You seem awfully protective of someone who has treated you in the worst way possible. Can you see that this isn't really healthy? Maybe you should be going to IC as well to figure this out.

[harrybrown]

Mr P-

 

I feel for you, I really do.

 

If you had three affairs would your wife still want a separation so you could continue to play around with OM number 3?

 

If your wife was really remorseful, she would sign a postnup that she gets no alimony from you and you get the sole custody of the kids.

 

Has she written you a timeline of all her affairs? How long has she not been in contact with the OMs? Has she given you copies of all her emails, etc and pictures that she sent? Has she stopped protecting the OMs and started protecting and defending you? She has not purchased a new bed.

 

Has she purchased and read the book Not just friends and how to help your spouse recover from your affairs?

 

Has she had sex acts with you that she did not do with the OMs? has she had all the sex acts with you that she did have with the OMs?

 

How has she let you know that she has stopped forever all contact with these people?

 

What has she done to make sure she does not have another A next month with someone new? Has she stopped the GNOs? Has she purchased gym equipment for home so she does not have a couple more Affairs at the gym that you can't go to? Does she still go to the gym that you can't go to?

 

She would not do these things if she loved and respected you.

 

You do not do these things, because you think how would I feel if he had 3 affairs and would not have sex with me, but with others?

 

She does not care about you, because she is trying to sweep it all under the rug and not doing anything to help you heal.

 

She is not doing anything to change her boundaries of having another A.

 

So get your postnup. And ask her what she would do if you had 3 affairs?

 

if she would divorce you, then do what she would do.

 

You will not get over this pain for the rest of your life. This is a life changer. I spent so much time just wanting to die.

 

So we did continue to live together, but she killed any love I ever had for her. I do not trust anyone. So when the last kid is gone in a year, so am I.

 

So now I do things for myself. I exercise for myself. I do things for the kids and the grandkids, but I do not trust her at all. I do not believe anything she says.

 

Hope you do better, but in a few years I will retire and do my own thing.

 

Good luck to you. Once is way to many. THREE! she will do a fourth and a fifth. She has not changed.

 

Have sex in the marital bed is the worst insult you can give. She vomited all over you, especially with kids close by.

 

She can't get physical with you while doing everything for all the OMs.

 

She has not stopped contact. Have her prove that she has stopped all contact. So my wife had to pay for recorders etc, to prove that she stopped all contact and had to be totally transparent. no passwords, no secrets, or she would have to leave the home.

 

If she can't get physical with you, that means that her loyalty is with the OMs and not with you. It also meant she has not stopped all contact for the rest of her life with the APs.

 

 

I do hope you do something for yourself. She put your manhood and self-esteem way down there. If she loved you, she would not ruin your self-esteem to give so much to the OMs. She is still loyal to the OMs and not to you.

 

 

You need to see your attorney about the post nup right away. Have her leave the house, because she can't be loyal to you and she is loyal to the OMs.

 

So sorry for you. Your kids need you. She has not been a good Mom to have an OM in your bed!

[Grapesofwrath]

In the beginning I think it was all an initial shock when my affair came out and as messed up as this sounds, I did have very strong feelings for my AP and it was a breakup that quite honestly I wasn't ready for. Feelings for someone do not automatically just disappear even if they were formed in an immoral situation and when it all ended it was a loss and I did have a hard time letting go at first but knew I needed to if I was going to try to at least do whatever I could to try to save my marriage. So I was dealing with so many different emotions at the time with trying to heal my husbands broken heart while I was hurting inside from my own. I know you can not possibly understand this unless you have been in the same situation and I don't expect you to. I have read a few healing from affair books with my husband but I know it comes from a deeper issue with me and that is why I am getting IC that I need.

And to answer your question, I thought he felt the same way about not being happy because he always complained I wasn't affectionate with him but he now says that he was happy at the time so we just had terrible communication issues I guess that if we would have addressed earlier, maybe we would not be in this predicament. But I do know that even if he wasn't happy he would never have strayed. Thank you for your encouragement.

 

Right now, all I can see if the overwhelming sense of entitlement that you have demonstrated, and continue to demonstrate. He came to this forum seeking support and advice. You have hijacked his thread in order to serve your own needs and manage the narrative.

 

Staggering selfishness.

 

Mr. Persia: Do yourself a big favor and seek divorce. Get an attorney and know your rights. You are still very young. There are many wonderful women in this world who will treat you with the kindness and thought you deserve.

[drifter777]

Thinking the bolded portion is not healthy for you. You wife is your partner but she's not you. You are independent of each other and make your own choices. She made the choices she made and that behavior warrants the comments she is receiving. You seem awfully protective of someone who has treated you in the worst way possible. Can you see that this isn't really healthy? Maybe you should be going to IC as well to figure this out.

This is so common among BH's it is a cliche. It's the fear and panic of losing the life they know and depend on that drives this. They forgive after a couple days and tell us that their WW is "doing everything right" to convince themselves that this whole cheating thing isn't going to have much affect on them or their marriage. It's an insidious form of denial that sets up the BH for a horrible awakening a little ways down the road.

 

I feel so sorry for this man - I know what his future holds if he tries to reconcile.

[merrmeade]

And here's the thing, P:

Maybe such a confession from Mrs. P in a few years would be believable. But the turn-around on her loyalties is just WAY too short. She was asking for a separation one day and a completely reformed, rededicated, remorseful seen-the-light "good person" the next. Impossible and not credible.

[Raena]

This is so common among BH's it is a cliche. It's the fear and panic of losing the life they know and depend on that drives this. They forgive after a couple days and tell us that their WW is "doing everything right" to convince themselves that this whole cheating thing isn't going to have much affect on them or their marriage. It's an insidious form of denial that sets up the BH for a horrible awakening a little ways down the road.

 

I feel so sorry for this man - I know what his future holds if he tries to reconcile.

 

I do too... been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. He'll figure it out sooner or later. It's only a matter of time and/or how long he goes along with his head buried in the sand.

[Clay]

I do too... been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. He'll figure it out sooner or later. It's only a matter of time and/or how long he goes along with his head buried in the sand.

 

The road to hell was paved with good intentions.

 

I feel for him but in the end it is his choice. If he chooses to stay then when she cheats again it will be on him this time.

 

You have to really experience it to really understand it.

 

Sad.

[Darren Steez]

Run Persia, run.

[66Charger]

He isnt going to run. The dynamics of this relationship is obvious. She came on and he was put in his place. She could cheat a hundred times and she knows it. Notice his silence and defense of the unthinkable. He is where he belongs.

 

Sleeping soundly in the sweat of OM#3.

 

Truth

 

And you are Persian? That's hard to believe.

Edited May 18, 2016 by 66Charger

[Jersey born raised]

Truth is stranger than fuction till it's not. Not quite sure of the change in grammar and sentence structure though out this thread. Especially WS.

[NTV]

I said I'd be here and I am. My hope is though that you found another place to post where your wife will not interfere. We're all here for you if you need us.