aliveagain Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 It appears that Persia and maybe the soon to be ex Mrs. Persia have left us. The fact that it was pretty much unanimous that she isn't remorseful enough to warrant a second chance may have been too much for them. It's pretty obvious who runs that household. Persia hasn't taken our advice but he should save our posts so he knows what to do the next time Mrs. P gets herself a boyfriend. Just so you know, my posts were not attacks against you Persia but for you, you just didn't want to see the obvious. She thinks she's a good mother(actions speak louder then words) but no matter if you are in America or Iran(Persia) she is on hell of a crap*y wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 And it wasn't just the men saying so. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 (((Persia))) In time you will see what many of us LS'ers are telling you about your WW. I do feel you are in denial, but that is normal for a BS who has been blindsided. You are in the first stage of grief. I would not suggest jumping into R with both feet. Please take your time to explore your thoughts in IC. I would give yourself time to absorb this and make your decision. Watch your WW's actions, they will tell you everything about her remorse. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 Actually the OP's thread title says it all. However he believes he can salvage a sinking ship like, say, the Titanic! It is sad but as they say even the worm turns and so shall Persia when he has been drained of all emotion. Sad. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 Actually the OP's thread title says it all. However he believes he can salvage a sinking ship like, say, the Titanic! It is sad but as they say even the worm turns and so shall Persia when he has been drained of all emotion. Sad. I don't think be believes anything at this point. When my ww destroyed our titanic, I was drowning and grabbing for anything I hoped would keep me afloat for a moment. I looked into R and D and suicide and becoming homeless and drinking myself stupid, and everything in-between all those things. Fear of losing my life and hurting the kids and making a wrong choice isn't an easy fear to get through by any means. He needs to know that what paths are available in order to understand his decision. A list of options. And the steps behind each option make it a plan. Probably, one day, I'll look back on the plan I made to become homeless and laugh. Who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 NTV, if your going to become homeless always find a big enough box to curl up in behind a popular high end restaurant. You have to be fast enough to beat the cats and the magpies to the food. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 ... When my ww destroyed our titanic, I was drowning and grabbing for anything I hoped would keep me afloat for a moment. I looked into R and D and suicide and becoming homeless and drinking myself stupid, and everything in-between all those things. I think I was a lot like Persia. In some ways, I was more of a fool because it took so long to get the truth. At least, Mrs. P is fully acknowledging the deeds, if failing to absorb the enormity of the damage done. My WS trickle-truthed and then pretended his "restraint" gave him some kind of absurd moral edge as if he'd mitigated the damage done (excuse me while I throw up). I also came in assuming a marriage should be saved at all costs. But that's simply being ignorant of the very particular dynamic and mindset of a wayward, which requires complete loss to embrace true remorse. I do believe that's why some of us come across as hard-liners. In fact, never thought I'd become so pro-divorce. But early on - hell, for our entire married life, I did not realize that the disturbed thinking of a WS is so insidious. It's years in the making and took over the brainclong ago. It's much bigger and affects far more aspects of their lives than just marriage. It involves changing boundaries and reordering priorities, rewording values and fostering entitlement gradually over time in such a way that they continue to see the same self in the mirror instead of the monster they've become. No, I couldn't fathom divorce in the beginning either but now see that such an ultimatum is the only thing that forces the WS to face the consequences of his actions. Without it, you stumble along, creating more abuses and trauma for the BS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 Back of a high-end restaurant huh.... I don't think I included that, but I haven't the reason to update that particular plan at the moment. If I do, that's definitely gonna be part of it. Merrmeade, Yeah, I recommended he file right away too. It's the actual actions behind the words 'if you want to be single, then be single' that woke my wife up. That and probably hundreds of little sticky notes saying things like 'good mothers don't destroy their kids lives' 'how could you do this to me? our kids? our family?' Oh, yeah, I figured she may not have intended to destroy me emotionally, but I wasn't incapable of firing back thing to ramp up her guilt. Maybe not an honest and open approach, but she wasn't an honest and open person at the time and it was part of my battle plan. Everyone knows their spouse better than any of us know their spouse. Yes, we might know the common things from the cheaters handbook and recognize them quickly to help a new BS outta shock, but if a BS's goal is to R or D, and they've got to sway their spouse in a particular direction to accomplish a step in the direction of their goal, they know which buttons to push more than any of us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 Everyone knows their spouse better than any of us know their spouse. Yes, we might know the common things from the cheaters handbook and recognize them quickly to help a new BS outta shock, but if a BS's goal is to R or D, and they've got to sway their spouse in a particular direction to accomplish a step in the direction of their goal, they know which buttons to push more than any of us. I kind of disagree. I did NOT "know" anything because I did not know this behavior was possible from this person I trusted to share my values. All bets were off about buttons and I was too disabled to push them anyway. That's where I think Persia is. Disabled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 I kind of disagree. I did NOT "know" anything because I did not know this behavior was possible from this person I trusted to share my values. All bets were off about buttons and I was too disabled to push them anyway. That's where I think Persia is. Disabled. Oh, I meant know in the general context of living with them long enough to know what bothers them the most. As far as being disabled, yeah after dday I spent a few months disabled trying to drink the pain away before I started planning. Those months were lost forever and I healed none from that route... probably more disabled from it than when I started. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 IOW, wish I'd just been given a formula with facts although I might not have accepted that either. I was asked at the time what my goals were and it royally pissed me off for some reason. I was still working on getting the truth and couldn't have goals until I did. So I chewed the person out, defended my (not) reconciling spouse and thought I was doing all the right things. Thought counseling could fix anything. Sound familiar? But I would like to think I'd have listened if someone had explained WS thinking and that he'd continue to hide and minimize unless he thought he was about to lose it all. (Hell, maybe they did and I was just like Persia.) I needed to understand that the reality of losing it all is the only way a WS genuinely changes. Kind of like Scrooge in Christmas Story or George Bailey in It's a wonderful Life. Divorce papers are like the spirits sent to make the future real, but there's still time to wake up and change everything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 Divorce papers are like the spirits sent to make the future real, but there's still time to wake up and change everything. That's a really really good analogy. Link to post Share on other sites
Persian4life Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 Right now, all I can see if the overwhelming sense of entitlement that you have demonstrated, and continue to demonstrate. He came to this forum seeking support and advice. You have hijacked his thread in order to serve your own needs and manage the narrative. Staggering selfishness. Mr. Persia: Do yourself a big favor and seek divorce. Get an attorney and know your rights. You are still very young. There are many wonderful women in this world who will treat you with the kindness and thought you deserve. Precisely, my husband came onto this forum seeking encouragement and constructive advice and instead he found people to belittle his manhood and insult him for being strong enough to work through the pain and stay and fight for his marriage and family. Yes some posts have been encouraging and given him good advice but that was a small portion of the replies. As far as hijacking this thread...he brought this discussion to my attention and thought it would be a good idea to provide my prospective on it and that's when I hopped on to open up to all the 'haters' who know nothing about us and our life and family. I have seen how vile, judgmental and hateful people can be on here and that does nothing for me and therefore I have chosen to no longer even look at these posts. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 I have seen how vile, judgmental and hateful people can be on here and that does nothing for me and therefore I have chosen to no longer even look at these posts. Good luck to you. Sayonara, babe. But I sure hope your husband comes back. He needs all the help he can get. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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