Wife had 3 affairs... so broken now

[kgcolonel]

The reason I share about the self esteem issue is not to justify and I don't think I'm using that as an excuse just shedding light on my own insecurities because that does have an effect on our day to day lives and I do believe that influences the choices we make in life. But at the end of the day, I am a grown woman and made the bad choices I made hoping that I would never get caught because I did think it would be the end of my marriage. Maybe thats what I wanted subconsciously for him to find out and leave me so I would not be tormented with this monumental decision of ending my marriage. I really don't know how I can convince MrP that I am remorseful that is the struggle. I cant grovel everyday because at the end of the day feeling like I don't deserve to have happiness and am a terrible person is where this all stems from and I can't beat myself up too much. I do know that I love his more then anything and hope I can show that to him in time.

 

 

One thought that came to me as I read this is (and 90% of the time when there are two people who truly want to R, I believe it can be done) if you both want R....you both need to eliminate the word, phrase thought of "giving up." This is used as an escape hatch on a sinking sub....you two must commit to putting 100% into the M and giving what the other needs. Mrs P, you say that you don't know what Mr P needs to show you are remorseful...ask him...Mr. P, do not answer quickly. Think about this question very carefully as Mrs P will either need to give you this or you two will develop an exit strategy. Mrs P, you say that Mr. P has shown you raw emotions and this is what you need....Mr. P, listen to that...do not stop showing her the raw emotions....this is a step in the direction of an R.

 

Commitment and communication is needed here...it may or may not work but for your kids, it's worth the effort.

[whichwayisup]

The reason I share about the self esteem issue is not to justify and I don't think I'm using that as an excuse just shedding light on my own insecurities because that does have an effect on our day to day lives and I do believe that influences the choices we make in life. But at the end of the day, I am a grown woman and made the bad choices I made hoping that I would never get caught because I did think it would be the end of my marriage. Maybe thats what I wanted subconsciously for him to find out and leave me so I would not be tormented with this monumental decision of ending my marriage. I really don't know how I can convince MrP that I am remorseful that is the struggle. I cant grovel everyday because at the end of the day feeling like I don't deserve to have happiness and am a terrible person is where this all stems from and I can't beat myself up too much. I do know that I love his more then anything and hope I can show that to him in time.

 

So do you want a divorce or do you want your marriage? This is a realization. 3 affairs hoping to get caught so your husband would divorce you. But now he knows and all of a sudden you see his raw emotion, him being vulnerable and now you love him? This is the stuff you have to sort out in counseling. Use the same therapist for both individual counseling and marriage counseling.

 

Right now it's just words. Your actions aka 3 affairs do not say you love your husband. You're emotional, desperate, been caught and all those emotions have bubbled up making you feel a lot. Those problems that made you run away from your H and have affairs are still there. What made you really realize that you want your marriage? What can you do to get your husband to trust you again? to have faith in you again? You more or less hoped he'd divorce you so you wouldn't have to divorce him first. That's quite damaging.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Commitment and communication is needed here...it may or may not work but for your kids, it's worth the effort.

 

I heartily agree.

 

I have seen some broken bitter people, who ran from situations like this one thinking they could get better and never recovered.

 

Mr. P, you are going to need to heal whether or not you divorce. Same with Mrs. P. It will take years to heal. But, those years will come and go whether or not you heal together.

 

If both of you are committed to healing, better to heal and keep the family together for the sake of ALL of you, children included.

 

It will be painful either way, to divorce or not. Mrs. P, you must realize the seriousness of the situation. And the two of you must get some expert help if you intend to stay married.

[anika99]

From Persia's wife- I just read through my husbands posts and all the comments and I feel that it must sound as though I am this evil vicious person that has no respect or regard for my husband or his feelings, only my own. And I cant say I would feel any differently reading that from an outsiders point of view. Let me be very clear, I am in no way making excuses or validating any of my behaviors just wanting to give my perspective and maybe where I'm coming from.

 

What I've done is disgusting and to most unforgivable. I know cheating is wrong and never the right answer. I have questioned my happiness and in the back of my mind always wondered if I was truly in love with my husband or just loved him because he is such a wonderful man and father to our children and whether I was simply going through the motions to keep my family together because I am in love with our two children and could never imagine not seeing them every day and reading and singing to them every night.

 

My husband and I met and got pregnant with our first child 3 months after dating. He was a lot younger then me and not like the typical older men I was accustomed to dating and our personalities were polar opposites. I never felt he truly opened up to me and always had a wall up and never let me in all the way, he has always been very serious, private and withholding and I am very warm, passionate about life, and open up to people quickly and wear my heart on my sleeve. I wasn't thinking it was going to be a long term relationship. We had our beautiful baby and I immediately fell in love with our child and decided to stay together and make it work for the sake of being a true family. My parents are still married after 40 years and so are my hubs so that is the only life I know and that is what I wanted. I always questioned if we were only together for the sake of the baby. So the years went by and I suppressed those feelings and doubts and we had another baby and continued to go through the motions of life. I became obsessed with being the best mother I could be and showered my kids with all my love and affection and lost site of being a wife. Through time I felt more and more disconnected emotionally from my hubs and the void I felt in our relationship grew deeper and deeper. I was envious when I would see other couples who looked so happy and truly in love with each other. I wanted to feel this and instead of doing the right thing and talking to my husband about it, I looked externally and once I felt that connection with someone else, it was like wildfire and just spread quickly and I felt alive again and it was almost this 'high' I would get when I knew I would see my affair partner. I thought maybe I could keep my family together and just fill this 'void' on the side with no one knowing. I do love my husband and no matter how strong my void was, I could not imagine actually leaving him. That's why I never actually took it to the next level of filling for divorce.

 

After my affairs came out, my husband has opened up like I have never seen from him before and I am seeing true raw emotion from him which is why for the first time I feel closer to him now then ever. And although I don't deserve it, I see how much he does love me and stands by my side at my lowest point in life which makes me truly fall in love with him. I am trying to find God and am currently in therapy to help address my own self worth issues that have snowballed out of control over years of suppressing so that I can hopefully repair the damage I have caused and heal our marriage. And I don't know if we will work it out or if we are even good for each other but I feel it's a fight we at least need to fight for our sake and our families sake and if it ends in divorce it's not going to be this ugly ' take all the evidence and proof to a lawyer and fight for custody'. We will put aside any selfish feelings or hurt and do what is in the best interest for our children. I may have been a crappy wife but I am a damned good mother and anyone that knows me will attest to that.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I am a good person with a huge heart that made some horrible mistakes and am trying to be a better person. I do not believe the saying 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Yes in some situations there are malicious toxic people who have no regard to others feelings but this is the only relationship I have ever strayed in and it is my biggest regret in life. Gosh I have really rambled on here but just wanted my voice heard to and let everyone know that I love my husband and my family more than life itself.

 

That's funny how you didn't put aside your selfish feelings of wanting to roll in the hay with multiple OM for the sake of your children, but now you're all about what is best for them? Now that you have destroyed their father, their home life and now that they are teetering on having their father walk out, now you care about people putting aside their selfishness for the sake of the kids?

[whichwayisup]

MrBonjangles, to answer your first question from my POV, if the shoe was on the other foot I think she would have left. I think I am far more loyal then most people, though, almost to a fault. But before all this happened if you asked me if I would have stayed I would have said no. Once things really occur and you're facing reality decisions are pretty surprising.

 

As for the next post (quoted above), I also need to feel more remorse from her. I've asked for her to do a lot of things, some extreme and some not so much. Those things were met with a battle and some of them not done, so yes, I need more remorse shown. I'm hoping that comes in time? She always says she is very remorseful and sorry, but I just wish that came from actions and not words. The first month was spent with me trying to win her back, which is pretty pathetic when you think of it. Like I said, I'm a broken person.

 

Mr P, if your marriage has any chance she MUST truly be remorseful for her choices and betrayal, she has to own it. Not blame you or the marriage or your marital issues. HER cheating is all on her, not you. It is NOT your fault that she had 3 affairs.

 

I told her that she needs to prove to you that she's worthy of that second chance. If she's not ready to be a total open book, work with you to fix herself and the marriage, give 100 percent all the time, not give you a hard time for what you ask of her (access to her cell, email, social media), if she breaks contact with ANY of the ex AP's or they contact her she must tell you about it and not lie or omit anything ever.

 

She broke you. You weren't broken before this but she's been broken for a long time.

 

Please make a promise to yourself. If she cheats 4th time, throw in the towel and get a divorce. You two can be great co parents to your children. It is just possible that being husband and wife isn't going to work.

[persia]

One thought that came to me as I read this is (and 90% of the time when there are two people who truly want to R, I believe it can be done) if you both want R....you both need to eliminate the word, phrase thought of "giving up." This is used as an escape hatch on a sinking sub....you two must commit to putting 100% into the M and giving what the other needs. Mrs P, you say that you don't know what Mr P needs to show you are remorseful...ask him...Mr. P, do not answer quickly. Think about this question very carefully as Mrs P will either need to give you this or you two will develop an exit strategy. Mrs P, you say that Mr. P has shown you raw emotions and this is what you need....Mr. P, listen to that...do not stop showing her the raw emotions....this is a step in the direction of an R.

 

Commitment and communication is needed here...it may or may not work but for your kids, it's worth the effort.

 

Thank you, those are good words of encouragement and sound advice. The problem is I do not know exactly what I need to be done and to be honest, once the things I say are done (if they ever would be) I would probably come up with something else that I need. I am more hurt then I ever knew was possible, so one or two acts to show she is sorry just isn't enough. Perhaps the things I asked for are too much, some were so simple though, some more extreme. Here are the ones I could think of off the top of my head.

 

1) I wanted all communication to be ended with the affair people. It took several weeks after it came out for that to happen and I think she is not over #3. I think she still has feelings for him. I need for any feeling she has toward him to be negative.

 

2) I wanted her to get rid of all her social media since the 21 year old is on it all. It took a lot for her to give up a few of her social media accounts and a lot of fighting for that. She still goes on one of the sites and then deletes it later. It took a huge battle to get her to block #3 from her facebook, phone, twitter, etc. I thought this was a simple and easy no brainer. At one point when it came out they were still in communication and I asked for a divorce she volunteered to give up everything (facebook, email account, new phone #, etc). The next day it turned into a huge battle, I ended up deleting her email with her permission but eventually restored it because of the guilt trip that came along with it. She did not want to feel like she was a prisoner and being monitored 24/7, and quite frankly, I do not want to have to live my life treating my wife that way. It was driving us both crazy.

 

3) I wanted to expose #1's affair to his wife. It took 2+ months, I did it last week once she finally agreed to it and I'm told several times since that it was a bad decision. Well, stop protecting others and be willing to hurt those who hurt me so badly, IMO.

 

4) I wanted her to write a nasty letter to #3. He is the most egoistical person I have ever met, and that is saying something! He took so much from me. I want him to feel the emotional pain that I feel. I wanted her to come up with ways to hurt scar him half as badly as they have done to me. She won't do it because it reopens communication with him. I have been asking for that since week 1.

 

5) This one is a lot more extreme. I wanted her to show with her actions not just her words what she means. If she is truly going to be loyal, truly wants me and only me, wants to grow old with me, etc. then I wanted her to prove it with a tattoo. Something permanent. #3 was going to get a tattoo of her name after just a few months of being together. She can get one dedicated to me with my name and our kids name.

 

6) I wanted us to get a new bed. We settled on new bed sheets, but I have told her countless times how much I hate being in a bed where the last person to have sex was her and #3. We got into a huge fight about the bed, I wrote her a letter about how symbolic the bed is to me and the memories of us with our kids, etc in it. I don't like the excuse of it cost to much $$ to buy a new one. The instant I told her about the bed I felt like she should have taken the imitative to go out and get a new one to form new memories in.

 

 

Like I said, If all these were met I'm sure I would come up with something else. A few actions is not enough to show me true remorse and sorrow. But doing some physical actions that deal with the affair and the past would sure go a long way. Instead, she just wants to look forward. I am not ready to just look forward, I am still dealing with the recent past. I truly want the AP's, particularly #3, to feel some of my emotional pain. He has mocked me at every chance possible, drives by our house still, calls with blocked numbers and hangs up just to remind us he is still there, got me banned from our gym (which is fine, I can't be around them anyways), but most importantly he changed the way I look at my wife. For that, I will forever hate him. I -need- her to hate him too. To be on my side and my team, to want war with him not to protect him or not to worry about inconveniences or that we will look bad or anything else. At this point, I feel that guy is my nemesis and has done more damage (yes, I know it takes 2 and she did the damage too), but I hold so much hatred towards him and she is the only one capable of hurting him at all. He is head over heels in love with her.

 

Anyways, this is a long post, but it feels good to rant and be heard. Thank you for listening.

[bathtub-row]

Bathtub, thanks for your response, it was more helpful then people just bashing my wife. Bashing her is also bashing me, she is a part of me and who I picked. You're right, It would be great if all those things happen. I know that IF any of it happens, it is not overnight. I doubt I ever look at her the same way as before, but that doesn't mean we cannot form a new bond and new relationship where she is faithful and -both- of our needs are met. No doubt we are in for a long road.

 

You're welcome. I can't imagine what it's like to be blindsided on this level. I just really feel for you.

 

However, don't get me wrong. My immediate thought is that if I were in your shoes, I'd dump your wife like a bad habit. But I know it's easy to sit back and say what I'd do. It's about uprooting your life, your family, your whole world. That is never a small thing. My heart is with you and your kids.

[anika99]

From Persia's wife-

Our home is not broken, just bent but full of more love and life then most homes and we are such a strong family that we can get through anything together. An affair does not equate to a broken home rather its how you resolve it and move forward. And if you read my previous comment, you will see that him opening up emotionally to me is the one thing he has never done in 9 years and has actually made me feel more respect for him and connect with him on a more 'real' level since he can be vulnerable and show his softer side.

 

Good grief! you sure are living in denial. No, you can't get through anything together. If that were true you would have never had the audacity to invite another man into your marital bed and children's lives. If you could get through anything TOGETHER, then why the need for multiple affairs? You are rug sweeping and sugar coating your behavior. You broke your marriage and now you pretend that you are living this perfect June Cleaver where your marriage is full of love and you respect your husband (except you clearly dont') and your children are unaffected by it all because you put their needs ahead of your own (except you don't) as you are the perfect adoring wife and mother.

 

To Mr. Persia, I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. I'm usually all for reconciliation but unfortunately your wife is not in a reconciliation frame of mind. She is not remorseful, she doesn't take ownership of her actions or the pain she has caused her husband and her children. She doesn't seem very self aware as she believes that she respects you, that she puts her selfish needs aside for her children and that her marriage is strong and can withstand any damage she wishes to inflict on it. Clearly she is in some sort of lala land as none of the above is even remotely true. Her mindset is to protect herself and keep the status quo and this should not be acceptable to you.

 

Get a lawyer and start investigating divorce and your rights as a parent. Stop letting her walk all over you and make a fool of you by saying things like she respects you and her marriage. It's time to take your power back.

Edited May 17, 2016 by anika99

[CoolHandLuke76]

For Mrs. Persia, please remember this and think about it often, maybe write it down somewhere you'll see it often.

 

"The grass is not greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it."

[anika99]

Moderation, I posted to Persia's wife before I got to the post stating that she had created her own username and that we should no longer reply to her through Persia's username.

[Persian4life]

aliveagain knows how to cut straight to the core. To summarize his questions for Persian4life here they are in a condensed and slightly nicer tone:

 

 

 

1. Explain how you thought it was OK to have unprotected sex with these men?

2. What kind of wife takes a man into her marital bed with her children less than 20 feet away?

3. How do you reply to this statement made to Persia: “Persia, expose the affair to the other betrayed spouses, they deserve to know the truth about the men their married to. If your wife asks you not to, that means she's choosing to protect her affair partners over you and your pain. Any wife that chooses her affair partners pain over her husbands doesn't deserve to be married to you.”

 

 

My questions:

1. The title of this is Wife had three affairs… so broken now. Is this an accurate title? Are there more affairs that Persian hasn’t discovered? Should the title be Wife had three affairs that I know of… so broken now.

2. Besides hating yourself and the self-loathing, what are you doing for Persian regarding your actions, not words? You realize that he’s hurting on a scale several times the pain you feel. What are you doing for HIM?

 

All very legit questions and I appreciate the less hostile tone. I am not on here to get bashed only to show that the person who has strayed is human too and I know every marriage and couple is different and just because you may have been betrayed by some heartless evil person it doesn't mean that everyone who has not been faithful is like that. Most, such as myself, felt extreme guilt and asked myself daily "why cant i just stop seeing this person? I love my family more then anything and don't want to lose them." But it is like a weird addiction that just feels like you can't stop no matter how bad you want to and every time you leave the AP it must be how an alcoholic feels after taking a drink. You hate yourself and tell yourself that it is the last time, yet it doesn't stop. I don't expect anyone to understand that unless you have struggled with some type of addiction. I am not a serial cheater; I love having one special person in my life but I guess you could say I was/am confused on what was missing in my marriage that I felt like I needed to find it elsewhere and that is why I am in IC. Okay now to get to your questions...here we go...

1.With the first affair partner I used protection every single time. We were both married and did not want to risk stds. The second affair was not sexual at all only emotional. Third one, I trusted him when he said he had no stds and he didn't have any. Looking back I see the stupidity in that and I have taken std tests after it ended to make sure I'm clean.

2. There really is no answer to that one only that it was the only way to be together and to clarify is was twice and I actually did put that to an end because I knew it was beyond crossing a line. My children knew him so I was not letting a stranger in my house nor would I ever allow anyone so much as to look at my children if I didn't know them.

3. It wasn't because I was trying to protect my APs feelings or trying to disregard my husbands that I didn't want MrP to tell his wife. It was simply because we had ended the relationship over 7 months ago and had no contact with eachother whatsoever anymore and I knew how much his children meant to him and I didn't want his children to suffer or tear his family apart. I knew he loved his family and his wife as him and I had started out as friends for about 6 months talking about our families and then an emotional connection formed that later became physical. We knew neither of us wanted to leave our family and so we ended our affair. I also knew that Mr.P was coming from a vindictive place at that time because the pain was so fresh and he wanted to hurt this guy and his family the way he was hurting and I didn't want it to come from a place of hatred and I was trying to focus all our time and energy into repairing us, not trying to destroy another family. Mr.P and I brought up his desire to tell the APs wife to our therapist and she did not think that was a wise decision so we didn't. As of two weeks ago, Mr.P did bring it up again to reach out and tell the wife and I finally agreed to it. And needless to say she was shocked and devastated but hopefully for their children's sake they can work out their issues as well.

 

Onto your questions:

1. No I have had two emotional/physical affairs and 1 emotional affair so 3 total. I think that is more then enough.

2. Yes I do realize and see the pain I've caused him and have to live with the fact that I have forever changed his once innocent and positive outlook on life to one that is now tainted by deceit, lies and manipulation. He has asked me to do several things and I feel like I have done most but I do feel like some are extreme and will not do them such as getting a tattoo of his name on my body. I have no tattoos and to me this seems a little extreme. No? I do want to do whatever I can to help him and have put so much more into our marriage then I ever have before, such as suggesting date nights or being more affectionate with him. I'm trying to spend more quality time together. I never did that before and I know it is important to him so I am trying to do things like that to show my love and commitment to him. I'm not sure it will work but I am giving 100% my all.

[smi11ie]

I suggest you ask for a polygraph. I think there is more stuff that you do not know about. Personally I think you are making a mistake trying to reconcile, however, I applaud your effort to do so. I just think it might be a waste of time. I don't think your wife is in love with you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thank you, those are good words of encouragement and sound advice. The problem is I do not know exactly what I need to be done and to be honest, once the things I say are done (if they ever would be) I would probably come up with something else that I need. I am more hurt then I ever knew was possible, so one or two acts to show she is sorry just isn't enough. Perhaps the things I asked for are too much, some were so simple though, some more extreme. Here are the ones I could think of off the top of my head.

 

1) I wanted all communication to be ended with the affair people. It took several weeks after it came out for that to happen and I think she is not over #3. I think she still has feelings for him. I need for any feeling she has toward him to be negative.

 

2) I wanted her to get rid of all her social media since the 21 year old is on it all. It took a lot for her to give up a few of her social media accounts and a lot of fighting for that. She still goes on one of the sites and then deletes it later. It took a huge battle to get her to block #3 from her facebook, phone, twitter, etc. I thought this was a simple and easy no brainer. At one point when it came out they were still in communication and I asked for a divorce she volunteered to give up everything (facebook, email account, new phone #, etc). The next day it turned into a huge battle, I ended up deleting her email with her permission but eventually restored it because of the guilt trip that came along with it. She did not want to feel like she was a prisoner and being monitored 24/7, and quite frankly, I do not want to have to live my life treating my wife that way. It was driving us both crazy.

 

3) I wanted to expose #1's affair to his wife. It took 2+ months, I did it last week once she finally agreed to it and I'm told several times since that it was a bad decision. Well, stop protecting others and be willing to hurt those who hurt me so badly, IMO.

 

4) I wanted her to write a nasty letter to #3. He is the most egoistical person I have ever met, and that is saying something! He took so much from me. I want him to feel the emotional pain that I feel. I wanted her to come up with ways to hurt scar him half as badly as they have done to me. She won't do it because it reopens communication with him. I have been asking for that since week 1.

 

5) This one is a lot more extreme. I wanted her to show with her actions not just her words what she means. If she is truly going to be loyal, truly wants me and only me, wants to grow old with me, etc. then I wanted her to prove it with a tattoo. Something permanent. #3 was going to get a tattoo of her name after just a few months of being together. She can get one dedicated to me with my name and our kids name.

 

6) I wanted us to get a new bed. We settled on new bed sheets, but I have told her countless times how much I hate being in a bed where the last person to have sex was her and #3. We got into a huge fight about the bed, I wrote her a letter about how symbolic the bed is to me and the memories of us with our kids, etc in it. I don't like the excuse of it cost to much $$ to buy a new one. The instant I told her about the bed I felt like she should have taken the imitative to go out and get a new one to form new memories in.

 

 

Like I said, If all these were met I'm sure I would come up with something else. A few actions is not enough to show me true remorse and sorrow. But doing some physical actions that deal with the affair and the past would sure go a long way. Instead, she just wants to look forward. I am not ready to just look forward, I am still dealing with the recent past. I truly want the AP's, particularly #3, to feel some of my emotional pain. He has mocked me at every chance possible, drives by our house still, calls with blocked numbers and hangs up just to remind us he is still there, got me banned from our gym (which is fine, I can't be around them anyways), but most importantly he changed the way I look at my wife. For that, I will forever hate him. I -need- her to hate him too. To be on my side and my team, to want war with him not to protect him or not to worry about inconveniences or that we will look bad or anything else. At this point, I feel that guy is my nemesis and has done more damage (yes, I know it takes 2 and she did the damage too), but I hold so much hatred towards him and she is the only one capable of hurting him at all. He is head over heels in love with her.

 

Anyways, this is a long post, but it feels good to rant and be heard. Thank you for listening.

 

 

Yeah....anything you have asked for was met with: the affair going underground, defending, hiding social media contact, no, no, and here*tosses new sheets in your general direction*.

 

You have your answer.

 

She is unwilling to do anything that you feel you need (which most BS need).

 

Not sure I remember correctly or not...but is your WW still going out for GNO?

 

Remorseful WS do not tell their newly BS, let's spend some time apart so we will miss each other. They try to reconnect. They work on themselves and the relationship.

 

Get thyself to a lawyer and start the separation of monies, bills, residence, work out joint custody....protect yourself.

 

The very last thing on your list should be listening to any more words from your WW. She is an adult and is quite capable of finding information on how to heal a marriage from an affair. She was pro-active when it came to having affairs...anything less for a marriage is unacceptable.

[malvern99]

Bathtub, thanks for your response, it was more helpful then people just bashing my wife. Bashing her is also bashing me, she is a part of me and who I picked.

 

There have been a couple of posts straight up bashing your wife, but most have been constructive. Yeah, some of them may sound harsh, but sometimes the "truth" is not always gentle. Mrs P's words do not match her actions or lack thereof. The most glaring example is the marital bed. She says she cringes about the bed, yet she seems fine to allow you to sleep in it. A remorseful spouse could not, would not let that happen. You should not even have to mention this issue. This is something she should have been on right away after d day just out of basic respect. On some level, she must understand how sleeping on that bed every night slowly poisons your soul. Part of remorse is empathy, and she is clearly not there yet. So don't be discouraged or get upset when and if people respectfully call her out on her sh*t.

 

You are not responsible for her choices. I can't emphasize that enough. They do not reflect on you. She made her choices as an adult, and now she must deal with the consequences of her choices. Have you informed the other betrayed spouses yet?

 

Mrs. P

 

I really don't know how I can convince MrP that I am remorseful that is the struggle. I cant grovel everyday because at the end of the day feeling like I don't deserve to have happiness and am a terrible person is where this all stems from and I can't beat myself up too much.

 

Convincing MrP you are remorseful is secondary to actually being remorseful. I am sure you are sorry and you regret what you did, but that is different from remorse. When you hit remorse you will know it. Remorse is not about grovelling. Nobody wants that. It is about facing what you did honestly, taking responsibility for your choices and actions, building new coping mechanisms to minimize the chances of this happening again, and ultimately putting the selfish desires and impulses that lead you down this path away for good. As tempting as it may be to make this process about you, please remember that it is not about you.

 

Getting past infidelity takes 2 to 5 years. It is a long and difficult road, and you two will only succeed if you are both 100% in and are on the same page. I wish you both luck.

[Persian4life]

Please don't blame your husband for your own choices in having 3 affairs. Just because in the past he wasn't completely vulnerable towards you (like he is now, then again he had no choice because you broke him and his heart) doesn't justify you having affairs on him.

 

That was not my intent with that statement about him opening up. I was emphasizing that seeing this side of him made me realize just how much i do really love him as I was questioning my love for him before. I didn't know if I was just going through the motions with him or if I truly did love him and seeing him that way was an eye opener for me. I have not ever placed any blame on him for my affairs. I make my own decisions and have taken complete responsibility for my behavior.

[AlwaysGrowing]

That was not my intent with that statement about him opening up. I was emphasizing that seeing this side of him made me realize just how much i do really love him as I was questioning my love for him before. I didn't know if I was just going through the motions with him or if I truly did love him and seeing him that way was an eye opener for me. I have not ever placed any blame on him for my affairs. I make my own decisions and have taken complete responsibility for my behavior.

 

 

What does taking complete responsibility for your behaviour mean to you?

 

By that I mean...beyond...just saying...yeah...I had three affairs.

[malvern99]

Forgot to add, MrsP, your words alone will not convince MrP of anything. Affairs require lies to live, and once they are uncovered, people cheating tend to lie their tails off. So, respectfully, do not be surprised if MrP does not put a lot of stock in your words. Actions though, especially consistent actions over time do not lie and are more believable.

 

You can tell MrP you love him all you want, but when you actively fight him on his needs to heal (i.e. informing the other BS) your actions say otherwise.

[merrmeade]

Not sure where to even begin, but I have read a lot of other peoples post and found the feedback they received to be really insightful.

 

I'll start off with a little bit of back story, I'm 33year and my wife is 39, we've been married for 5 years and together for almost 10. We have a 8year old and 4 year old. My wife use to be a career centered woman who earned around 80k and I earn around 120k, we made a move out of a major metro area to the suburbs a few hours out so that she could be a stay at home mom full time. She always was amazingly gorgeous, but after two kids wanted her breast done and then later a nose job. She looks like a model and has a lot of issues with security of herself physically. She is very materialistic and has an out going personality. She easily makes a lot of friends and is that person who everyone wants to be around.

 

About 18 months ago my wife began a 'friendship' with a guy #1 at our gym behind my back. That grew into a full blown affair for about 6 to 8 months. This guy is also married and also has 2 kids. He owns a construction company and is apparently well off. There affair revolved around both of them saying they're just going through the motions of life and are unhappy with their partners, but love their children and family dynamic. During that time she also met another guy at a casino and made out with him during a girls night out. Her friends saw this and some of them began to turn their back on her. Guy #2 kept in contact over text/calls for a few months, she claims they met once for coffee and that was it.

 

She ended things with guy #1 once she started going out on 'play dates' with guy #3, also from our gym. Guy #3 is 21 years old, a part time waiter with no future and a step-kid of his own. He is the opposite of me; mohawk style haircut, covered in tattoos, earrings, egoistical and care free. During the 6+ month affair with guy #3, they spoke of having kids (named their future children), had a plan on how she was going to get a divorce and knew the alimony and child support. I found out about their sexual activities and needless to say they were extremely kinky and had sex constantly. This guy had met my kids, my youngest kid he has seen multiple times and he has slept over at our house when I go on business trips. Once I found out about him, I found out about the other 2 guys. It has been a worldwind of emotions.

 

We are in therapy and it has been very hard for my wife to end things with guy #3. In fact, the first week after I found out and she promised to end it they had spoken over 100 times in text, over 100 times in emails, a few times on the phone and met a few times. I cried myself to sleep every night while she promised that she ended it, so when I found out about the continued conversations I was devastated even more. That honestly hurt just as bad as the affairs. To hear them talk about sex (I read the emails) and how much they missed eachother was so hard to swallow that I spiraled into a very deep depression.

 

Fast forward 2 months and I am still having a very hard time. For the first month she defended both her ex-affair partners. She didn't want me to let #1's wife know. She also would defend #2 constantly. She had gotten drunk with her girlfriends and went to his house, claims he wasn't home. A few weeks later after another girls night she did the same thing. She deny's how long she was there, says she went there to the parking lot of his apartment to 'key his car' (long story there, this guy cheated on her during the affair and the other girl keyed our car.). But anyways, that turned out to be over an hour, so I have a hard time buying that story. I find myself in doubt constantly, for example, she ran to Walgreens for allergy medicine last week (which is in the same parking lot as the gym where both of these guys were during that time of day) and it took 1.5 hours. We live 10 minutes from Walgreens. Things like that make me really question her and when I do she gets angry at me for questioning her.

 

In 8 months we've had sex three times. We're both very sexual people, I would prefer to have it nightly. We use to have it 1 or 2 times a week. After guy #3, our sex life went to almost 0. We used condoms for those 3 times and it was the worst and most awkward sex in both of our lives. Since the affair has come out, we've had no sexual interaction at all. Oddly enough, I tried hard to have sex with her many times. I cannot stand that the last person to be with her was #3 and that the last person who had sex in our bed was #3. I take Xanax, alcohol or pot nightly to fall asleep now. It is the only way I was able to sleep without pressuring her to have sex, she says it felt like I raped her the last few times we did it. For over 2 years she has cried in the bathroom secretly every time we were intimate. The drugs are also the only way I fall asleep in this bed knowing who was last here sexually. We've taken family trips since all of this and I have slept fine in the hotels without any need for drugs.

 

I'm starting to fall out of love with her I think. I cannot and do not want to see myself with anymore else, she was always the woman of my dreams from day 1. But now I look at her so much differently. I look at her and I constantly see the images (I have seen pics of them having sex and pictures of him after they have sex). I know of a lot of the sexual acts they've done that we have never even come close to exploring. My self esteem and self perception is completely shattered and I feel that she destroyed a part of my soul. I so want to be able to look at her and see the woman of my dreams again, but now it has gotten to the point that things are so awkward that I am now just going through the motions and doing a terrible job at it. I do not want to break apart my family unit but it is not fair for either of us to live like this. Today she mentioned I should move out for a month so we can see what life is like without each other. But she still wants to date once a week during that time to see if we can form a new bond. I've read several self help books. In fact, the first one I asked her to pickup while I was at our kids baseball game but she was to busy talking to guy #3 to do it. I hold so much resentment for what she has done to me and I have tried to move forward, but she has rejected me countless times. She does not feel that intimate connection or need to have sex with me and the countless amount of rejection has made me lose my desire for her. She is against porn (she was once engaged and broke it off due to the guy watching porn) and considers that to be close to cheating. I have my needs, I do not want to stray from her, but am at a loss what to do. I even asked her for pictures (hell, she sent #3 countless pictures of her nude) to get by with until we're reading to connect but that never happened. I am incredibly stressed out and feel like I have aged 10 years in the past 2 months. I am becoming a worse father due to my frustrations with her and our sex life and due to my deepening depression and the amount of anger I hold. I am truely at a loss on what to do.

 

Any thoughts or advice on people who have gone through similar situations would be much appreciated. I just want to be able to look at my wife the way I use too, to share our lives together, to grow old together, to have passion and love and to have an amazing life. I feel like I had it all and it slip through my fingers.

 

I am very sorry for your loss, for that is truly what it is. Your "self esteem and self perception is completely shattered and ... she destroyed a part of [your] soul." And you must accept that she was already gone and your marriage dead long before your discovery or d-day. You just didn't know it. You will never "be able to look at her and see the woman of [your] dreams again."

 

At first, it feels like you've been the victim of a violent crime. You stumble around in confusion, disbelief, shock—permanent disconnect. You're stunned, bewildered and in need of help processing what it all means and how to get your life back together (even what your life 'back together' should look like). It takes some people a while to react to the FACT of the conscious pathology needed to carry out the deception and betrayal of the past however much time. Men in particular seem particularly crushed by the implied rejection.

 

Well, you certainly won't get your life back or any chance at happiness the way you're going about it—that is, assuming she's all sorry and ready to make amends. With your your wife's attitude, marriage counseling (MC) at this point is like putting a bandaid on gangrene. If she's still involved with the affair partner (AP) and NOT on her knees begging for your forgiveness, willing to do whatever you need/want/ask to help YOU heal, then she's not truly remorseful. Ashamed maybe. Sorry she got caught especially. But not genuinely, deeply remorcefu

Edited May 17, 2016 by merrmeade

[aliveagain]

Persia this is your life and as such you control the path you take. Please take your time before committing to reconciliation because talk is cheap, cheaters lie, cheaters manipulate and with her history the odds are against your marriage surviving. As mentioned before the chances that your validation is enough for her are very low. From her responses thus far it is obvious that she still cares for the other men. You have seen pictures of them having sex in your bed, that's a whole other level of disrespect. How does a mother and wife throw her marriage away for a guy young enough to be her son? How can she even rationalize her affair with him to you. Persia, make her pay for a new bed, it's a really big deal and new sheets won't take the stink of the O/M away.

 

Please talk to a lawyer, the absolute minimum you should demand is a bullet proof post nuptial agreement that gives you most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Have her agree to a polygraph so you know the truth before you commit yourself to staying. She thinks more for the well being of the O/M and his family then she does for you and your children, bad sign. Three strikes and your out. Believe her actions not the B/S coming out of her mouth. Don't let someone who makes really bad decisions have so much control over your future.

Edited May 17, 2016 by aliveagain

[merrmeade]

So I started my last post at one point yesterday but was unable to finish for several hours during which Mrs. P got a voice and a presence in the thread.

 

I mean, he did say this:

she has rejected me countless times.

She does not feel that intimate connection or need to have sex with me

For over 2 years she has cried in the bathroom secretly every time we were intimate.

... she says it felt like I raped her the last few times we did it.

I'm starting to fall out of love with her I think.

... just going through the motions and doing a terrible job at it.

... she mentioned I should move out for a month so we can see what life is like without each other.

... I've read several self help books. In fact, the first one I asked her to pickup while I was at our kids baseball game but she was to busy talking to guy #3 to do it.

And then here comes her side of it. But me thinks the lady doth protest too much....

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I am a good person with a huge heart that made some horrible mistakes and am trying to be a better person...

 

I was emphasizing that seeing this side of him made me realize just how much i do really love him as I was questioning my love for him before. I didn't know if I was just going through the motions with him or if I truly did love him and seeing him that way was an eye opener for me. I have not ever placed any blame on him for my affairs. I make my own decisions and have taken complete responsibility for my behavior.

and too readily. Poor Persia.

 

I feel like all the blind attention that pulled in #1 & 3 us has just been aimed at LS. Well, I'm ducking out. Having skimmed through and gleaned this much - excuse me but no comment. It's too disturbing and terrifying to dignify with a complete read, much less a response. He's got his head in the sand too deep and can't hear a thing. And she... well,

[NTV]

Persia in light of all that's happened I think man that you need a safe place where you can hear and talk to folks that have been in the same situation without your wife's input. Not that she shouldn't be all for trying to help you heal because that's definitely one of the necessary things that need to happen if reconciliation is going to be on the table.

 

My suggestion at this point is for you to either find another Forum that she's not aware of or will allow you to have space discussing your emotions there or to begin journaling in a place where she has no access to but I like a book at work or something. Actually I think that would be best if you did both.

 

You'll know you're in the right four if you say ntv sent you and they know the name.

 

-----------------------

 

Miss Persia for sure if you are actually intent on reconciliation and do love your husband my suggestion to you is to begin reading. Read all the books you can about it reading forums like this one read and take in as much information as you can. I cannot stress enough to you the sense of urgency you must take to do this. right now he sees that his marriage and his family are on the line and they are. If you don't pursue trying to save this relationship with the same urgency then you have lost it.

Edited May 17, 2016 by NTV

[JS84]

The first thing you need to do is buy a shovel, dig 50 feet, and find your balls. Not to pile on but seriously dude what the ****? Get some counseling so you can get some semblance of self respect.

 

Secondly, you need to talk to a lawyer and find out your options. You should have pulled the plug on this marriage with both hands like yesterday. Believe me you can find a hell of a lot better women out there than the one you're currently married to. I promise you.

[Cherryz]

There is always a reason why people cheat.

Even if there is no reason or they say there is none.

 

Even thou some reasons can push someone to go cheat even if they ddnt wanted really. But either way no reason is to go cheat. Cheating is wrong!

 

Sometimes marriage go true things to get your relationship stronger

and if you deal with it well you can get closer.

 

Your wife cheating this much is kind of to extreme(3 people)rigth after each other?!.

And makes me think her issue is way bigger and serious.

Only her can tell why she is acting this way.

Maybe she is not fully aware of the reason and therapy can help her realize it. And if she want, take action on it.

Maybe she have a deep rooted issues that she never dealed with before or its something she miss in the relationship.

 

Eventou cheating is a valid reason to get divorce i would say dont give up without a fight!Marriage is work! And alot of communication, forgiveness and patience.

Since its marriage, and you have kids, and not just a relationship that you can walk away from easily,.have a heart to heart conversation with her.

And ask her the hard questions. Also if she want to be married , if she love you and why she keeps doing this which breaks your heart and breaks the family.Why she is cheating?

And ask her what she needs and what shes going to do to make things work and let her know what you need. And work on answer each others need as much as possible and in the rigth way .

 

And if you see also you need to change therapist do so!

Someone with real experience and who you both click with.But who is not afraid to tell it like it is and give both clarity of what she see,and give you guide how to do it better.

Maybe she need alone therapy also, since she is the one cheating around rigth now.

Maybe she cant find peace not being the career women anymore so she fills that frustration with affairs.??

We can assume many things. But only she can tell and if she aware off.

And if she want, stop with it.

 

But give it more time and work. And if you see things not changing, you can try the "shock treatment"that someone said and that is to tell her to find a job,and home you cant do this anymore and you will be filling for divorce.

And if she comes around then you can choose to try to work things out on a other level, where she have to show her clear commitment etc.

 

At the end you cant force no one to anything.

You can only do your best. So at the end you can have peace with your decision. And know that you done your best and all you could.

Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[elaine567]

Only her can tell why she is acting this way.

 

The wife is on LS and is contributing to this thread,

[Cherryz]

I have read more of your reply now.

 

And i think you not being much home may have cause some

of this issues.

Because as married person you need to be more around to fill each others needs and so on.

ANd having jobs that makes you be away alot is hard for both partners, and kids.

 

But eventhou this may be part of the reasons, she took this to a very low level.

And to a big disrespect by bring those men also in your bed and around your kids.

And also planning stuff around divorcing you?

 

You need to talk to a lawyer rigth away! And secure your position also financially.

And make sure she moves out a month if she wants to be separated.

Its very rude of her to ask you to do that while its her that is cheating around.

Reading some details i think she needs to step up now and do what ever work she want to do to save this marriage now!

Because she is not treating you well at all and there is to much disrespect.

She needs to be honest and tell if she wants to divorce!

And not waste your time.

 

At the end do what is best for you and for the kids!

I see you really love her. And still respect her even thou she doing all this and have also attitude.

Even thou i not know both side, i would say, love yourself first!

And take a stand! She is not taking responsibility atall for her behavior.

But makes you pay for it and makes you do the work.

 

Stand up and take control. Put the choice in front of her, divorce or stay married and that means stop affairs and work on the marriage. And start telling her no and confront her with her behavior!

And if you see she not doing any work while she choose to stay with you, then

file for divorce.

And if you want a new start also buy a new bed. Dont let that keep you from your sleep.