11 year affair.. feeling proud and hoping he will leave me alone this time!

[susie6099]

Please dont judge me

11 years ago, i was deeply uphappy.. enter good looking married man!

had an intense 18 month affair even whilst his wife was pregnant.. (not proud) but like i say i was in a bad place

Lost my job, best thing that happened. Fast forward 4 years he finds me again working in a department store, affair started again then finished again.

I move jobs again and an email pops up one day from him, this time i had found someone new and was happy, we stay in touch but no sex. I did love him and told him.. i ended it again.

I move jobs again and he finds me yet again and everytime i let him in cause i'm stupid! Anyway yet again i end it.. i was getting married in 10 months time.

a week before my wedding he contacts me again.. i don;t respond. Had the best wedding ever only 7 weeks ago.

After the wedding he contacts me again, i decide we could be friends.. (yes how niave am i) he makes a joke about me never getting away from him! i'm beginning to realise this. He opens up to me like never before, we meet for coffee (cause we are just friends) and he tells me so much, tells me he;s got more in common with me, joke about having a baby together, and maybe one day we will be together etc etc.. and i feel like i;m really getting to know him properly, he says he;s not wanting sex he wants to get to know me!?! WHY?

Anyway a week ago i decide i cant do it anymore i love my husband he's amazing... so i end it for good.. the friendship that is! he accepts but two days later he;s back.. this time i get angry and say some harsh words, 2 days later hes back again! last week i decided i needed to tell him to his face so we go for a walk and i tell him my feelings that i love him and that i always have but now i;m happy and he needs to let me go! NOT once did he admit any feelings for me and this is what hurts.

So why after 11 years does he keep coming back?? I've never once chased him.. not once! if theres no sex what is in it for him? i don;t get it. i know he;s incredibly unhappy but thats not my problem. Told him to go be a good husband and only find me if he's single and i'll see why i'm at.

I feel the tables have turned and i'm the strong one.. he comes across a bit needy and insecure to be honest.

Please don't judge me. I;ve done the right thing for everyone involved.. he's now blocked me from social media, at first i was mad but then realised it's for the best.

I guess my question is... did he ever feel anything for me? i know it;s not important really cause it doesn't change anything but just so i don;t feel like a cheap used silly cow!

And will he try to come back again?? cause i don;t know if i;m strong enough to ignore him... yet it keeps breaking my heart and i actually have a very happy marriage and i;m lucky to have my husband.. i probably don;t deserve him and have thought of telling him everything but i am proud of myself for not physically cheating and putting an end to it.

Any advise good or bad taken.. i think i need to hear it.

[Mrin]

The other day I watched a cat catch a mole in the field next to my house. He would pounce on it. Bite it. And then let it go only to repeat the same sick affair over and over until the mole died. I am sure that if the mole could have talked it would have asked the cat why it hated him so much and why the cat kept doing this over and over. And I am sure if the cat could talk he would say, "I don't hate you. I do it because it amuses me."

Edited May 16, 2016 by Mrin

[susie6099]

OMG i love this and so very very true.. i'm such a bloody mug!!

[Marc878]

Time spent on something like this just takes energy away from your marriage.

 

Which one is worth more to you?

[NewlySingleGuy]

The other day I watched a cat catch a mole in the field next to my house. He would pounce on it. Bite it. And then let it go only to repeat the same sick affair over and over until the mole died. I am sure that if the mole could have talked it would have asked the cat why it hated him so much and why the cat kept doing this over and over. And I am sure if the cat could talk he would say, "I don't hate you. I do it because it amuses me."

 

I think you wrote that just for me! It's always the "why?!" that never goes away.

[CoolHandLuke76]

Honestly, he keeps coming back because you're easy to get into bed. He doesn't love or respect you because if he did he would have left you alone when you asked him to. He knows he can talk you right back into bed every time. You're risking your marital happiness on a total scumbag of a human being. Threaten to tell his wife if he ever contacts you again. That'll do it.

[aliveagain]

Does your new husband know about him and what has and is going on? Did you cheat on your new husband with him and will you tell him the truth?

[bathtub-row]

Maybe he has feelings for you, and maybe he doesn't. Either way, has it made any real difference in whether the two of you ended up together or not? I can save you the suspense -- no, it didn't. 11 whole years down the road -- no difference. Same sh-t, different day. He's still with his wife, isn't he? His wife who probably doesn't have a clue that her husband is chasing after another woman.

 

MM keeps coming back because of two reasons -- you keep feeding this monster by telling him you love him, and you never mean it when you tell him to go away. All he has to do is show his stupid face again and he's right back in because you think all this chasing that he does actually means something. So, where's the evidence of this meaning behind his attentions? Oh, yeah -- 11 years of nothing. Wanna go for 20 years?

 

You are playing with fire and getting very close to screwing up your dear marriage; your real chance at happiness. How would you like it if your husband did this to you? MM will take you down a hellish path that you could never imagine if you don't wake up quick and stop romanticizing this situation. He is married. He is with someone else. He intends to stay that way. He has ALWAYS intended it to be that way. After 11 years, that should be dead obvious. He has no respect for you, for your boundaries, for your life, or your marriage. Real feelings or not, everything - including you and his wife - takes a back seat to his huge ego. I hope you remember that next time he rears his ugly head.

[bathtub-row]

And, btw, I hope you realize that you did betray your husband when you told MM that you still loved him. By saying that, you let MM know that he can get a foot in the door because you must not be all that nuts about your husband; i.e., there's a weak link in your marriage.

 

Personally, I wouldn't mention a word of this to my husband if I were you. What I hope you do, though, is make sure MM never, ever gets another foot in the door. If he ever contacts you again, tell him that you are totally in love with your husband and that you never want to hear from him again. End of story.

[anika99]

And, btw, I hope you realize that you did betray your husband when you told MM that you still loved him. By saying that, you let MM know that he can get a foot in the door because you must not be all that nuts about your husband; i.e., there's a weak link in your marriage.

 

Personally, I wouldn't mention a word of this to my husband if I were you. What I hope you do, though, is make sure MM never, ever gets another foot in the door. If he ever contacts you again, tell him that you are totally in love with your husband and that you never want to hear from him again. End of story.

 

 

OP, as you have only been married for 7 weeks I think you should tell your husband everything and give him a choice to get the marriage annulled. It's unfair to trap him into a lengthy marriage that may include children at some point all based on a lie.

[smi11ie]

I don't think it's in your husband's interest to know anything. I recently was dealing with something similar with my own wife. Nothing physical happened but emotions were shared and love was declared. I kind of wish I never knew about it now because my reaction was irrational and emotional. You need to cut this guy out completely. That means not speaking to him again. If he approaches you then pretend he does not exist.

[bathtub-row]

Telling your husband about this crap is completely pointless. That is, unless you want to screw up your life even more. My point was, you keep saying things to MM that feeds his ego, and you're undermining your marriage. You need to stop that. He is not your friend. He isn't anything. Just cross him off the list and move on.

[wmacbride]

The other day I watched a cat catch a mole in the field next to my house. He would pounce on it. Bite it. And then let it go only to repeat the same sick affair over and over until the mole died. I am sure that if the mole could have talked it would have asked the cat why it hated him so much and why the cat kept doing this over and over. And I am sure if the cat could talk he would say, "I don't hate you. I do it because it amuses me."

 

and I'm sure there is a hole the mole could run down and be safe, yet it refuses to do so and the complains that the cat won't leave him alone.

 

op, the reasons why he does what he does don;t matter. if you really want him to leave you alone, block hm on all social media, emails, phone numbers, etc.

 

you have control here. you are not a victim.

[susie6099]

Thank you everybody I said I needed to hear all the bad and I did and you are all right... There is no way I'm going to let this idiot ruin my happiness anymore.. I'm perfectly fine when he disappears but the second he's back I'm sucked in but I've stayed strong over anything physical which I'm so thankful for so on a physical level I have never cheated on my husband or our relationship not actually had sex with this guy for years or even kissed him, if trying to be his friend and maybe having an emotional affair or whatever you call it then yes I'm guilty of that but I guess I just thought it was ok to be friends.. I know I know!! I realise so much now hence why I'm on here cause I needed to vent somehow.

The more I think about it the more I think this guy is prob stalking me.. And maybe I don't really love him, in fact I'm beginning to hate him.. it's just the addiction I guess but one thing I do know is that I aren't going to betray my husband, I meant every word of my vows. Now I just need to find the strength to ignore this clown and stop being so nice letting him back in. You can't be friends with an ex! His wife deserves better, my husband deserves better and actually so do I.

The fact he contacted me after 9 months a week before my wedding says it all.. Who does that?

I think I have finally seen the light so thank you all.. I know what I need to do now and you've given me the slap I needed. Thanks for listening X

Edited May 17, 2016 by susie6099

[Marc878]

If you go completely dark and never respond he'll go away.

[Mr. Lucky]

Told him to go be a good husband and only find me if he's single and i'll see why i'm at.

 

Married for 7 weeks and offering your former AP this arrangement?

 

You're simply opening the door for disaster down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

Tell your husband everything, starting a marriage with lies of omission is like building your home on a damaged foundation, you know what will inevitably happen. Having secrets is a proven method for ruining a marriage. He will respect you for being honest. If he finds out through your ex affair guy( the guy is stalking you I wouldn't put it past him to make contact with your husband in order to cause you some pain) he will not be as understanding because he will now know that you are hiding secrets from him and wonder about what else have you not told him? He will start to doubt everything you tell him, true or not. Tell him the truth before this escalates into a train wreck.

[susie6099]

MR lucky you're right, that sounds bad doesn't it.. Maybe I thought I could blow him off nicely but yes if he doesn't want me then I never want him..ever. Simple.

Guess I've grown up, gained some self respect whoop! But yes I'm so done with it all.

Yes I've blocked everything.. Except my works email, I'm not sure how you do it tbh and can't really ask a work colleague without them getting suspicious lol. I'll keep trying tho and hopefully figure it out.

Thanks again folks X

Ps I'm not a bad person.. I appreciate how lucky I am I really do. Time to toughen up X

[susie6099]

Alive again do you think he would do this? It's crossed my mind and made me a little scared I'll be honest.. Esp if he's so unhappy he might not care about hurting his wife? But then again surely he won't want to lose his home etc...

And yes I was thinking if he continues then telling my husband, it's the only way. I need to do the right thing now. I hope he stays away :-(

[Clay]

11 years..... I agree with alive. The sooner you tell your husband the better off you are. If you hide this and he finds out about it later nothing you say after that will hold any value.

[susie6099]

What I mean by 11 years is not continuously it's on and off.. Comes goes comes goes.. Sometimes years, months and then boom.. But the worst of it happened way before I met my current husband when I was unhappy.. Now the tables have turned and he's more full on than ever and this scares me. I guess I hold the power tho and know what I need to do... Bolt that door!

[aliveagain]

What I mean by 11 years is not continuously it's on and off.. Comes goes comes goes.. Sometimes years, months and then boom.. But the worst of it happened way before I met my current husband when I was unhappy.. Now the tables have turned and he's more full on than ever and this scares me. I guess I hold the power tho and know what I need to do... Bolt that door!

 

Read the bolded area, this is why you have to tell your husband. This is the first real test of your relationship, don't fail the test by keeping the secret from your husband because once you step over that line there's no going back. If you need to hide it from your husband you shouldn't be doing it.

[Clay]

You sound really selfish. I doubt seriously your going to tell your husband. You knew what the OM wanted when he contact you. You have allowed this go on because you want it to. Now the only reason your concerned is because YOU will loose out if your husband learns of this.

 

If you seriously want to fix then then you listen to Alive. Tell your husband today. Not Tomorrow, today. The complete truth. Don't lie about any of it. Tell him you are going to block the OM 100% and even file a restraining order against him if you need to.

 

Its just my two cents.

[merrmeade]

Obviously you husband will be upset, have to process and will be unhappy that it happened but also - especially - that you hid it and didn't tell him.

 

The possibility that stalker exAP will tell him, however, is not far fetched and will make H feel much worse about you.

 

Tell him how much you love and respect him and want a great future with him. You know it was wrong and you want to be better than that and feel you can. You wishbyoud told him already, YOU SHOULD HAVE, you know, and you accept whatever reaction or time he needs. You will do whatever he needs and offer marriage counseling.

[Whoknew30]

He comes back bc he cares... but he's too much of a coward to get divorced. Men that just want sex can get it from any where but to go through the trouble of finding you several times, after some years means you're on his mind. Many people will tell you it's not ok to love him but it is. Who you love & your feelings are your business, what you do with those feelings is a different story. If you act on it or keep him in your life, that would be wrong but you can't control how you feel, only your actions.

 

Just bc we love someone doesn't mean you belong together , people get that part confused. He doesn't deserve you to be there bc he is a coward. Enjoy your new marriage & don't let him ruin it for you. Don't tell your husband, you seem to know the right direction & hopefully will continue in it. Good luck!