11 year affair.. feeling proud and hoping he will leave me alone this time!

[merrmeade]

Obviously you husband will be upset, have to process and will be unhappy that it happened but also - especially - that you hid it and didn't tell him.

 

The possibility that stalker exAP will tell him, however, is not far fetched and will make H feel much worse about you.

 

Tell him how much you love and respect him and want a great future with him. You know it was wrong and you want to be better than that and feel you can. You wishbyoud told him already, YOU SHOULD HAVE, you know, and you accept whatever reaction or time he needs. You will do whatever he needs and offer marriage counseling.

[Whoknew30]

He comes back bc he cares... but he's too much of a coward to get divorced. Men that just want sex can get it from any where but to go through the trouble of finding you several times, after some years means you're on his mind. Many people will tell you it's not ok to love him but it is. Who you love & your feelings are your business, what you do with those feelings is a different story. If you act on it or keep him in your life, that would be wrong but you can't control how you feel, only your actions.

 

Just bc we love someone doesn't mean you belong together , people get that part confused. He doesn't deserve you to be there bc he is a coward. Enjoy your new marriage & don't let him ruin it for you. Don't tell your husband, you seem to know the right direction & hopefully will continue in it. Good luck!

[66Charger]

You are newly married. You really need to think how you want your marriage to be.

 

Is is ok for your husband to love another, while married to you?

Is it ok for your husband to hide ongoing suggestive contact from another?

Is it ok for your husband to tell this woman, "Get divorced and come see me after"?

Are EAs ok for him, as long as he doesnt "physically" do anything?

 

Is that what you want your marriage to be? Why did you get married? Do you deeply belueve your vows?

 

Lets be honest. This fool doesnt care about you or your marriage. He contacted you a week before and a week after your wedding fishing. For sex. Thinking he cares is cheaterthink101.

 

Change your thought process today. Dont fall down a slippery slope. He cares. Its ok to talk. Its ok to meet for coffee. It was just a kiss. It was just one time. It didn't mean anything. I don't want a divorce. We are reconciling. It wasnt meant to be.

 

ITS NOT OK.

 

Have a fun, happly, loyal and HONEST marriage.

Edited May 18, 2016 by 66Charger

[susie6099]

I don't think I'm being selfish anymore though.. If I was I'd not be here asking for advise and meeting up for sex etc... I don't want to cheat on my wonderful husband not now not ever I'm not that person anymore.. I have never cheated on him in a physical sense and he is the best thing that's ever happened to me which is why I'm angry this guy won't let me go. I'm 36 now not 24/25 I've grown up.

I think he's unhappy and I generally thought we could be friends because we do get on well but I know that it's impossible when there's history.

I just wish he would leave me alone.. I may have said a few things I shouldn't have but I don't think I love him actually maybe just old feelings resurfacing.

I've done the right thing and it feels good.. So now to let it go finally and I wish him well for the future. If he contacts I will ignore him! It's the only way.

If I ever feel the need to tell my husband ie if he comes back again then I will but for now I'm going to be the wife my husbands deserves and forget all about it.

I'm a very lucky girl and I aren't risking it for anymore. I've seen the light x

[Buddhist]

Wow, this guy is an emotional vampire. Truly hope you can resist his call going forward.

[bathtub-row]

You're not selfish, only naive. Keep this in perspective. As you said, you didn't cheat on your husband. That would've put a whole different spin on things. You met with the guy, said something you shouldn't have said, and then told him to go away. Not exactly headline news. Leave it alone and move on.

[aliveagain]

I think you are making a mistake by withholding this from your husband. Stuff went on, you met him while you were with your now husband. This is not the way to start a marriage, you have a secret between you and another man that is purposely being withheld from your husband. I know what I would call this type of behaviour, what does everyone else think, what would your husband think?

[Clay]

It shows she really did not learn from her past. She didn't respect someone else's marriage in the past and she is not respecting her own now.

 

C

[susie6099]

Wow shoot me down when I'm trying to do the right thing why don't you. I'd hate to think what you thought of me if I was opening my legs and leading this guy on! Yes I was wrong to think I could be friends and offer some friendly advise to this guy but not once have I chased this guy in fact I've told him over and over to leave me alone.i have plenty of friends including male friends so yes I stupidly thought I could treat this guy the same until I came to my senses.. I haven't got a problem with telling my husband I just don't see the point as we are perfectly happy together.

I came on here to ask for some insight onto why he keeps chasing me for no reason that is all not to be made to feel bad about doing the right thing!!

[susie6099]

And clay yes I have learnt from the past.. I've grown up massively and will never do it again!! It's not me disrespecting our marriages it's bloody him by constantly finding me and contacting me, I was simply on here looking for some clarity as to may he may be doing it.

I have my answer now because he can! I get it. No need to be so harsh towards me.. I'm not perfect but I'm no longer a cheat !! We all make mistakes but my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me and yes I've been a little stupid but I'm not stupid enough to lose everything that I've got so give me break!!

[aliveagain]

No one is shooting you down, what is your reluctance to tell your husband the truth? Why would you choose to keep a secret with o/m over your husband knowing the truth? Would it bother you to know that your husband hid recent secrets from you with and old girlfriend? Be honest.

[susie6099]

Yeah I totally get what your saying and I have thought about telling him cause I'm worried this guy will never leave me alone and I'm sure he will forgive me for going for a coffee with someone I thought I could be friends with but if my husband gets angry with this guy for stalking me and storms around his house kicking off all hell will break loose and it all seems abit pointless when I've put a stop to it anyway. It will just upset this guys wife also knowing he's been chasing me.. Although she's got a right to know I don't want to be the one breaking her heart!! Im pretty sure he will do that all by himself with another mug!

Maybe I will tell my husband but I personally don't think I've done anything dreadful only tell him to bloody do one. We certainly don't need marriage counselling or anything.. We are pretty perfect together! I just needed to get my head out of my arse and was just trying to understand this guys actions that's all. As far as I'm concerned my affair ended years ago and that's where it stays!!

[aliveagain]

The thing about affairs is finding out why you allowed it to happen so you never make the same mistakes again. Often independent counselling with a professional is needed to help you see your mistakes. A little secret will become a big secret over time. No husband ever wants to know that his wife is keeping a secret from him that she shares with another man, your credibility will take a huge drop and he will never trust you blindly again. Your husband has no part of your past but anything that happens during your relationship together supersedes everything with anyone else.

 

Do not allow your past into your present because the stink of one will taint the other. Just look at your actions, your hiding things from your husband just weeks into your marriage. This is all I am trying to point out to you, take it from someone who has been on the receiving end of lies and infidelity. This is how it always starts and it will not go well for your relationship. Why take the chance.

[susie6099]

I'm trying to protect people here! Like I've said the affair I had was when I was at a low point and I'm not proud of it.. I've learnt from my mistakes believe me and I am no longer that person.. I haven't come on here to be bullied into telling my husband I just wanted some clarity why this idiot won't go away!

There are married women out there doing all sorts.. I'm not a bad person I just try to be friends with everyone when I can't be that's all.. I didn't touch him and even bought my own coffee.. He can stick all his sweet nothings where the sun doesn't shine people on here have helped me see it for what it is and for that I'm thankful. As for now he's gone and I intend to keep it that way!

My husband does know about my past but frankly he doesn't care cause he's got one too and he's even friends with his ex.. However I'm sure if he knew my ex affair partner was mithering me I reckon he'd have something to say about it and seeing as I believe my conscience is clear apart from a stupid coffee then I don't want to upset the apple cart and maybe I'm protecting myself but I'm protecting his wife his son and my husband.

I've learnt my lesson.. Just gonna put it down to a catch up with an old friend nothing more.. It's done now and hopefully he's got the message this time round.

I'm off to watch my wedding dvd and remind myself how lucky am I although I already know! We aren't all bad you know.. Don't shoot me for one silly mistake I've done the right thing I just need to stop opening the door going forward and I will. Done dusted move on. Life is way too short to be anything but happy. Thanks guys

[merrmeade]

The thing about affairs is finding out why you allowed it to happen so you never make the same mistakes again. Often independent counselling with a professional is needed to help you see your mistakes. A little secret will become a big secret over time. No husband ever wants to know that his wife is keeping a secret from him that she shares with another man, your credibility will take a huge drop and he will never trust you blindly again. Your husband has no part of your past but anything that happens during your relationship together supersedes everything with anyone else.

 

Do not allow your past into your present because the stink of one will taint the other. Just look at your actions, your hiding things from your husband just weeks into your marriage. This is all I am trying to point out to you, take it from someone who has been on the receiving end of lies and infidelity. This is how it always starts and it will not go well for your relationship. Why take the chance.

You've assumed, aa, that OP understands and agrees with the importance you've placed on communication, trust and openness in a marriage. This has not been discussed here and I think personally that OP is another newlywed assuming that love conquers all.

 

No, love simply makes it easier to ignore some things for a while. Counseling helps you make a plan for how you will approach and discuss stress, decisions, problems and how you will keep the relationship strong when (not if) luv is no longer new or all-consuming.

[aliveagain]

Your a grown woman, you know what's best for you. Wish you luck.

[merrmeade]

Yeah I totally get what your saying and I have thought about telling him cause I'm worried this guy will never leave me alone and I'm sure he will forgive me for going for a coffee with someone I thought I could be friends with but if my husband gets angry with this guy for stalking me and storms around his house kicking off all hell will break loose and it all seems abit pointless when I've put a stop to it anyway. It will just upset this guys wife also knowing he's been chasing me.. Although she's got a right to know I don't want to be the one breaking her heart!! Im pretty sure he will do that all by himself with another mug!

 

Maybe I will tell my husband but I personally don't think I've done anything dreadful only tell him to bloody do one. We certainly don't need marriage counselling or anything.. We are pretty perfect together! I just needed to get my head out of my arse and was just trying to understand this guys actions that's all. As far as I'm concerned my affair ended years ago and that's where it stays!!

Counseling can be pro-active. Ever heard of premarital counseling? LOTS of "pretty perfect" couples do this before marriage even because they realize there is a lot more to a successful marriage than being in love. They are in touch with their strengths and weaknesses and realize that marriage is a new they have something to learn and make decisions about together regarding shared values, parenting, communication of needs, sensitivity to non-verbal communication, etc.

 

I would also suggest you just proved aa's point perfectly and you DON'T "totally get" what he's saying BECAUSE you think you know what's best for both of you and can 'handle' things the way you want them to turn out. I'll bet you've thought this before, that you could 'handle' being with your MM and not get involved again.

 

You are talking to people whose spouses decided it was better for the marriage and all concerned that they not know certain things. Do you think for one minute that the majority of us agree with this decision?

[bathtub-row]

There will always be those that will say to announce everything to your spouse, even an ex-spouse, without considering all the consequences of that. While I'm all for honesty, I'm also for not hurting someone unnecessarily or raising red flags that aren't needed.

 

In this case, you get it. You understand that the whole encounter with this guy was a mistake. You want nothing more to do with this guy, have blocked him in every way possible and know you'll never do this again. Now if you tell your husband about it, this would blow up in his mind into being far more than it is. As another guy on here said, his wife told him and he wishes he didn't know. Not everyone wants to know everything.

 

Just let this sleeping dog alone. It's just too inconsequential to make this kind of an issue out of it. I'm guessing that if the roles were reversed - if your husband had made a small blunder like this - would you really want to know about? I guess however you answer is the answer you should go with. Personally I wouldn't want to know.

[susie6099]

It's this idiot who needs marriage counselling for his **** marriage not me I even told him I'm not his counsellor and he needs to go and be a good husband.

What exactly would telling my husband achieve here? When I've already said a million times I have no intention of cheating on him. Yes I had very strong feelings for this man along time ago and maybe there's a slight draw to him but I'm not flipping stupid enough to do it again. It's not my fault this guy won't let me go! And to try and play mind games finding me again a week before my wedding makes me angry! But it is my fault for not ignoring it and that I realise now.

Marriage counselling maybe a good thing but my husband would be complexed as to why I've even mentioned it cause we truly are great together.

I'll bare it in mind for future reference tho should things ever get to that point.

[susie6099]

Thank you bathtub finally someone understands. I only wanted to know why this guy won't piss off nothing more nothing less.

Anyway it's time I enjoyed my newly wed status X

[Clay]

I think you should have posted this in the other man other women section. I think you would have found more support there. In this section we believe that honesty and trust in a marriage is everything. You say you want to protect these people but in truth you really are afraid of loosing what you want so your only protecting themselves. If your husband really has a past as you have said and he wont care about what you have done in your then why would this be that big of a deal to tell him. To give him a heads up that there is another man out there actively trying to get down his wife's pants.

 

Alive was right every step of the way and he has been through more than most. I think at the very least when your not feeling so defensive you should come back and read his post again.

 

Good luck.

 

C

[bathtub-row]

Thank you bathtub finally someone understands. I only wanted to know why this guy won't piss off nothing more nothing less.

Anyway it's time I enjoyed my newly wed status X

 

Best wishes, Susie. You have a great life ahead of you.

[usa1ah]

So why after 11 years does he keep coming back?? I've never once chased him.. not once! if theres no sex what is in it for him? i don;t get it. i know he;s incredibly unhappy but thats not my problem. Told him to go be a good husband and only find me if he's single and i'll see why i'm at.

 

 

How long have you been married and you say this. Then why in the h*** did you marry your H if you do not love him? Because I do not see it. Weeks after you marry your husband you tell another man to come see you if he divorces his wife and you will talk then.

 

So, 6 months from now he is divorced what would you do?

[merrmeade]

Told him to go be a good husband and only find me if he's single and i'll see why i'm at.

I am SO glad you posted this because I realize I must've read it too fast. Thought I remembered reading she'd said to find her if SHE's single. This changes everything. [edited] This is done for me.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would you want your husband to confide in you?