Did you “know” and was the relationship easy?

[kismetkismet]

I was never a hopeless romantic and didn’t really believe in “the one” or that when you met the person you would marry you would “know.” Even from a very young age I believed that relationships contained a lot of compromise and were a lot of work. (My parents have an incredibly strong marriage, but worked hard at it after losing my brother among other things, and went to therapy all my life).

 

My relationships reflected this belief, I didn’t fall in love easily or often, I never thought a relationship was more than it actually was and I did not commit easily.

 

However.. After 29 years of romantic cynicism (3 long term relationships and a fair amount of dating) I’ve suddenly found myself in this head-over-heels, perfect match, know-when-you-know relationship. My rational mind has kept my actions mostly in check and I spent the first few months telling myself I’d lost my damned mind because I felt like I loved him after 2 weeks and I had was sure I wanted to marry him after a month. We moved in together after 6 months, have been together about 9 months and have hit check box after check box for my ‘ideal match’ even though I never actually thought it was possible. I mean attraction, life style, kindness, families, travel, sex, values, goals, dreams, interests, all of those things.

 

So this relationship has kind of blown everything I thought I knew about love out of the water. When I try to have conversations with my friends about relationships in general I don’t even know what to say anymore..

 

My question is – is this normal(ish)? Is this what you found when you met the person that you wanted to marry? I’m still trying to keep my rational head about me, pace things appropriately and I’m sure that at some stage we’ll come across challenges, I’m just wondering if my cynicism was uncalled for or if I just got lucky.

[kismetkismet]

Oh, I should say that we aren't married yet but we are talking about getting engaged in the next year.

[jen1447]

I don't really know what's 'normal' but I knew the moment I first laid eyes on my most recent GF (about a year ago now) that she had a certain amount of my destiny in her control.

 

I'd say in your case that with all those checkboxes checked and the time you've got in, it's ok to start letting your guard down ever so slightly.

[Mrin]

Three things for you.

 

1. Look up the term "limerence". It is a real thing. Not saying that's what is going on here but something to be aware of.

 

2. I'm in one of those amazing relationships of which you speak of. No, they aren't normal. They special, precious things.

 

3. What do you do with special, precious things? You take care of them. One of the downfalls of special, precious relationships like this is that they are so damn easy. Effortless. Facile. But one of the things you also have to consider is that by that very nature of being easy and effortless, you also don't build any coping mechanisms when things get not so easy or effortless. Think about it this way. If you have your first disagreement after your 4th date that is one thing. When you have your first disagreement after 12 months of cohabitation, that's entirely different. The stakes are far higher. The vulnerability so much greater.

 

That's not to say you should go out and have a fight with him. But rather recognize that this sort of relationship means that you have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to resolving differences. You both should be mindful of that and work to make sure you have massive amounts of trust and openness of communication.

 

Here is one other thing to be mindful of. I call it the high stakes poker game quandary. Things are going to freaking amazing and awesome that you keep raising each other. Around and around you go. But as the pot gets higher both of you are afraid to "call". A small thing may occur and you dismiss it rather than bringing it to a head because you don't want to ruin this amazing streak you both are on. That's cool but watch out that the small things don't add up. I've always found that the sooner an issue is raised the smaller it becomes.

 

Okay, enough pragmatism. Go luxuriate in this magic you've created with this dude!

[d0nnivain]

When I first laid eyes on one of my EXs I thought wow. When I 1st shook his hand, I got a bolt of lightening up my arm & felt bowled over by the sense that I just met my husband. My mother had sworn to me that I'd just know. As a result of that misguided belief I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for more than decade.

 

When I met my husband I was immediately in lust. The idea of marriage never crossed my mind. I was in the mood to play. Everything about our relationship is solid & stable. No lightening bolts, no dizzying roller coasters but it's amazing. I feel so grounded & lucky. Plus I'm still in lust after 8 years of marriage so that helps.

[Mrin]

Plus I'm still in lust after 8 years of marriage so that helps.

 

Bow-chicka-wow-wow

 

Sorry. Over caffeinated. Couldn't resist.

[RecentChange]

Yep - I knew.

 

I was younger than you. And hadn't been through many "serious" relationships. Never really considered marriage etc, I was just young and having fun.

 

But then I met him, and we clicked on so many levels. He said "I love you" after about 5 weeks of dating. 6 months later, as soon as I graduated college we moved in together.

 

We get along very well, and have a common vision for our lives - which we have shared for 15 years now.

 

I agree with everything Mrin says though. While over all, I wouldn't call our relationship "work" we have had our "blips" - and honestly have come back stronger after them.

 

But, they did happen (first one after 10 years together), because our daily lives are so drama free / easy going its easy to rug sweep - and not address things head on, because conflict has never been our thing.

[Mr. Lucky]

1. Look up the term "limerence". It is a real thing. Not saying that's what is going on here but something to be aware of.

 

Well said and absolutely the first thing that popped into my head.

 

My wife is a beautiful natural blonde and, for the first 18 months of our relationship, it seemed like no matter where she stood she was backlit by this incredible golden shimmering light. I even tried once to capture it on film! It was beyond seductive, compelling is the word that comes to mind.

 

It will be 30 years in August and I still love her like crazy but we've definitely been forced to open the hood and figure out how the engine works. The fact that I like her as a person as much as a partner is what has kept us going. What she sees in me remains a mystery.

 

And every once in a while, out of the corner of my eye, I still see a flash of that golden light ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrin]

Yep - I knew.

 

I was younger than you. And hadn't been through many "serious" relationships. Never really considered marriage etc, I was just young and having fun.

 

But then I met him, and we clicked on so many levels. He said "I love you" after about 5 weeks of dating. 6 months later, as soon as I graduated college we moved in together.

 

We get along very well, and have a common vision for our lives - which we have shared for 15 years now.

 

I agree with everything Mrin says though. While over all, I wouldn't call our relationship "work" we have had our "blips" - and honestly have come back stronger after them.

 

But, they did happen (first one after 10 years together), because our daily lives are so drama free / easy going its easy to rug sweep - and not address things head on, because conflict has never been our thing.

 

Go check out something called Kintsugi if you're not familiar with it already. It is a perfect analogy to those blips

[RecentChange]

I was not familiar with Kintsugi, but yes, perfect!

 

Our "hard times" drove us to talk about the pressing issues, about the deep dark things that we not only hid from each other, but ourselves - and in the end it has led to a greater acceptance of each other, a deeper love for ourself and the other. A reaffirmation that "us" is what we want, and a new appreciation for unconditional love.