I want to say goodbye for good now

[Sabella]

I'm very relieved to hear this. Hard to imagine a better outcome, given what you started with.

 

But the important question is how you are feeling?

 

I don't think MC makes sense at all when one partner is more screwed up than the other. The screwed up person needs a hell of a lot of IC before he/she is remotely receptive to MC. I've seen instances when the other partner, the one who was cheated on and/or emotionally abused, is damaged by being forced into premature MC. The MC's commitment usually is to save the marriage even if that has to happen at the expense of the BP. JMO.

 

I hope there's no backsliding on his part. But if there is, I hope you don't feel obliged to explain your reasoning to him again. I'm sure he's upset with himself for what happened, but so be it. I hope he heals and recovers. But it should not be at your expense.

 

Sending you strength and good wishes. Please keep posting. Hugs!

I agree, it could've been much worse. I feel like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop in a sense. I think though he is really still processing and the frustration and anger may rise later. I think he's really just trying to keep things in check.

 

He can't imagine a future life in which we aren't still together. Honestly I can't either. It's very scary for both of us. But I have to remind myself and him, that isn't a reason to stay in a marriage that isn't working.

 

I'm glad you told me your thought on mc. I have yet to have a really positive experience with it myself and the thought of trying to find a decent counselor again, just to tell my loooonnnng story to again, fills me with dread.

 

Because of my guilt over the A, I'm worried I will just try and appease H and do counseling. I'm also worried about blowing up my life with a D and regretting it later. I'm honestly at a crossroads. I'm hoping with more discussion and a little bit of time things will be clearer.

 

Spouse says there is no rush to make any big decisions. In a way that is a huge relief, but it's also my path to to possible indecision and putting it on a shelf again. I need to be mindful of this and not be complacent.

 

 

Spouse did say something odd and kinda funny. He thought maybe I just needed to get out there and date, perhaps sow some wild oats. I had to laugh because the idea of dating is completely unappealing. After all this I was resigned to living alone. I do think some complete alone time and space would do me a world of good though.

[Grammie]

My heart hurts for you.

 

Maybe, MAYBE this honest conversation with your H will be the beginning of a new journey for you both...maybe not a complete reconciliation, but a time for open and honest conversations. Sounds like they are way over do.

 

Keep talking right now -- keep listening. I really think if you two sat down with a mediator or a couples counselor, you may both come to conclusions on reconciliation or possibly friends for now/for the future and both focusing on raising the kids in a calmer household while you both figure out what you want out of life.

 

Many couples no longer have sex - whether it is because of physical issues (menopause for women is nothing to be ashamed of, yet I see all the time how some women take digs at other women for not being 100% receptive to sex whenever the man wants it) or the man is having issues. I remember my inlaws who had been married for 65 years, happily, but sex hadn't happened in over 15 years for them before my MIL passed. They still shared love, intimacy and a true happiness that I admired so much.

 

Maybe, in addition to couples counseling, you and your H can both have individual counseling to help you with your journey's? Might be worth looking into.

 

Best of luck to you my dear.

[Sabella]

My heart hurts for you.

 

Maybe, MAYBE this honest conversation with your H will be the beginning of a new journey for you both...maybe not a complete reconciliation, but a time for open and honest conversations. Sounds like they are way over do.

 

Keep talking right now -- keep listening. I really think if you two sat down with a mediator or a couples counselor, you may both come to conclusions on reconciliation or possibly friends for now/for the future and both focusing on raising the kids in a calmer household while you both figure out what you want out of life.

 

Many couples no longer have sex - whether it is because of physical issues (menopause for women is nothing to be ashamed of, yet I see all the time how some women take digs at other women for not being 100% receptive to sex whenever the man wants it) or the man is having issues. I remember my inlaws who had been married for 65 years, happily, but sex hadn't happened in over 15 years for them before my MIL passed. They still shared love, intimacy and a true happiness that I admired so much.

 

Maybe, in addition to couples counseling, you and your H can both have individual counseling to help you with your journey's? Might be worth looking into.

 

Best of luck to you my dear.

 

Thank you Grammie! I think one thought that shined through your post is that things don't have to turn out in the conventional way. That really just sort of opens my eyes to healing some hurts and moving forward in a way that's best for the family. I can work with that and be open to a new situation.

[stilltrying16]

I agree, it could've been much worse. I feel like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop in a sense. I think though he is really still processing and the frustration and anger may rise later. I think he's really just trying to keep things in check.

 

He can't imagine a future life in which we aren't still together. Honestly I can't either. It's very scary for both of us. But I have to remind myself and him, that isn't a reason to stay in a marriage that isn't working.

 

I'm glad you told me your thought on mc. I have yet to have a really positive experience with it myself and the thought of trying to find a decent counselor again, just to tell my loooonnnng story to again, fills me with dread.

 

Because of my guilt over the A, I'm worried I will just try and appease H and do counseling. I'm also worried about blowing up my life with a D and regretting it later. I'm honestly at a crossroads. I'm hoping with more discussion and a little bit of time things will be clearer.

 

Spouse says there is no rush to make any big decisions. In a way that is a huge relief, but it's also my path to to possible indecision and putting it on a shelf again. I need to be mindful of this and not be complacent.

 

 

Spouse did say something odd and kinda funny. He thought maybe I just needed to get out there and date, perhaps sow some wild oats. I had to laugh because the idea of dating is completely unappealing. After all this I was resigned to living alone. I do think some complete alone time and space would do me a world of good though.

 

Sabella, based on you opening post and the others, I think you know what the only solution is now but you don't trust yourself to do what's needed. And that's not because you're weak but because you take on so much responsibility for others. Emotionally, you seem to be carrying everyone around you. You know that guilt, or empathy- or worrying over what will happen to your H if you leave him to his alcoholism- might get the best of you and you won't be able to do what you know you should.

 

If I'm on track, please please seek IC. Everyone's emotional health should not be on you. You can't save him from himself. Even if he were ready to change there's only so much you could do and you've done that already. You seem like a very sweet, very dear person, and you don't deserve to be in this situation. No one does, but you even less so because I think you've already paid a big cost. I don't think an A would have even occurred to you if it hadn't been for his alcoholism. Maybe it was a form of self-medication. Not sure it worked either and it's so sad if it seemed like the only outlet.

 

It's sad and funny that he should offer you an open marriage as a solution. For so many men, the solution is something related to sex. It's probably a big deal for him to offer you the opportunity to date. But he doesn't get that that would do nothing at all for you. You need and deserve emotional fortification and that will not come from a PA or an open marriage.

 

IC might really help you put the guilt in perspective and show you why it is actually misplaced. MC now would be a terrible mistake IMO.

 

I do feel bad for your H too. Life will be harder for him without you and he will probably panic when it sinks in that you really are leaving. So I feel bad for him. BUT you can't help him. To keep on trying to do so is to make your own emotional health hostage and that is over and beyond what any human being can do for another. Also, it won't help! It'll be such a waste. He needs help but a different kind of help. You need and deserve the space you described in your post- time for yourself away from all this pressure and time to heal. Please keep posting and take care. Please don't give in to his request for MC- even if it comes with good intentions on his part.

Edited May 19, 2016 by stilltrying16

[DesertHeat]

I would recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.

[Sabella]

After much deliberation, I came to the conclusion that the only way forward was to do a physical separation and each of us focusing on IC. I think it will help each of us focus where we need to, on ourselves. It will also help with separating officially, if we decide that's what needs to happen down the road.

 

H and I discussed this today, and while he is worried and sad, he was ultimately supportive of the plan.

 

A lot of the logistics need to get planned out and implemented. That will be distracting and I imagine it will still be many weeks before we get down to the real work.

 

I guess at least we have a plan and hopefully, eventually a resolution that makes almost everyone happy. We are going to look at apartments for him on Monday, depending on times frames, we will then discuss how we tell the kids.

 

It's been obviously a rough few days and lots of emotions to wade through. It's been a little over 3 weeks of NC with AP. I do very much miss his friendship and support. And I also hate to admit that because I know that shouldn't be my focus, so I just put that away for now. But it's still very hard, he was there for me with so many things, including the death of my mom. It's painful to not reach out to him. When I get close to thinking about contacting him, I trick myself into putting it off for one more day, which usually allows that impulse to pass. i also realize he can't be here for me ultimately, and in all honesty never could be in any real life scenario. So it's how it should be. It's all playing out as it needs to.

 

Stilltrying, ty so much for all your advise and support here, I really do listen.

 

Desertheat, I did in fact download that book on kindle and already started reading it.

 

Any other book suggestions is greatly appreciated as I'm an avid reader

 

I will update occasionally as things progress. Ty again

[stilltrying16]

I've heard good things about Darlene Spencer's Conquering Shame and Co-Dependency. Melody Beattie's book is classic and you are already reading it, right? On some review I read that she invented the term. She has workbooks and follow-up books.

 

The second major relationship I had was with an alcoholic. I saw the alcoholism slowly creep up. I would come back home and find him passed out or fallen down the stairs unable to get up. The first time he actually was in danger was when I came home from a girls night out and stayed downstairs watching a movie on tv till 12. Our bedroom was upstairs and the house was quiet. I assumed he was in bed and asleep. When I went up, he was barely conscious, mumbling, and cold. I spent the night in hospital with him. I was terrified; had never seen anything like it. He didn't touch a drop for many months then started up again. Eventually I left. I wish I'd known about codependency then. I just remember my awful guilt that I didn't go up right away as soon as I came home. I now know my guilt and worry just tortured me and didn't help him. He did find help later but it was after I left. He was never violent- and in the beginning he was generally a very happy drunk. But he did start getting belligerent over time.

 

I'm not sure any of this applies to you, Sabella. It was on my mind when I read the post in which you implied you would worry over him if you left. I wanted to say to you- read everything you can about being in an alcoholic marriage, seek IC, do anything so you don't give in to guilt. My alcoholic ex is ok now and it's been 26-7 years since it ended. I just get news of him from mutual friends. We are not in touch any more. No kids- still don't have any.

 

I just think it's so great you've had these open discussions with him and reached a decision that makes sense. Once you are away from your marriage and husband I think you will have the space you need to heal. At that point you will get perspective on your AP. In the meantime, though, I would advise you to maintain NC but please do not beat yourself up over the AP or anything else. Beating oneself up is not something we can help sometimes, but recognize the signs of it coming on and do something to distract yourself? You need self-nurturing, and you deserve it.

 

I'm sending you my best wishes and a ton of hugs! Be well.

Edited May 21, 2016 by stilltrying16

[Sabella]

Hi StillTrying wow, a lot of what you just shared about your alcoholic relationship really mirrors my problems early on. He was always a little belligerent and I actually attributed most of his anger issues with drinking. But I was wrong about that. After a big incident that I felt endangered my children about 7 years ago. I gave the ultimatum. He then went stone cold sober on his own for about 6 years. But I would still see some of the anger issues and that was confusing to me. But he was working so hard on his drinking issue, I felt like I should be more patient, and I did try.

 

About 9 months ago we discussed the possibility of him drinking the occasional glass of wine (with me) We talked about it for a while and we decided to try to occasionally do that. He has done amazingly well with that, but for obvious reasons, it still makes me nervous. The incident with our cat... he was completely sober. He has not been "drunk" for many years.

 

I think we both have a lot of issues to deal with. We both come from abusive backgrounds with addictive parents and neglect. I don't want that to define me forever, and I did a lot of work on that part of my life already. He tends to make excuses and play the blame game still, which I find really annoying. Overall, though, considering both of our pasts, we have done an amazing job. Our kids are amazing and we have a very stable, comfortable life financially. There is a lot I am grateful for. So that also plays into the guilt I put on myself. Like nothing is ever going to be good enough for me. I worry I'm a "grass is always greener" gal.

So yeah, lol, lots to work on all around!

 

In the end, I just don't know if I will ever trust or truly forgive him. I hold on to so very much. I'm not super proud about that, but it's the truth of the matter. I don't want him jumping through hoops to please me. I want him to want to fix himself because that's the right thing to do. I don't believe he sees it that way yet, honestly. But I can't be responsible for that part too, not anymore.

 

Thank you for the book recommendation and listening to my ever evolving, long story! StillTrying you are an amazing woman and very intuitive. I'm very glad to have made an online friend

[stilltrying16]

Hi StillTrying wow, a lot of what you just shared about your alcoholic relationship really mirrors my problems early on. He was always a little belligerent and I actually attributed most of his anger issues with drinking. But I was wrong about that. After a big incident that I felt endangered my children about 7 years ago. I gave the ultimatum. He then went stone cold sober on his own for about 6 years. But I would still see some of the anger issues and that was confusing to me. But he was working so hard on his drinking issue, I felt like I should be more patient, and I did try.

 

About 9 months ago we discussed the possibility of him drinking the occasional glass of wine (with me) We talked about it for a while and we decided to try to occasionally do that. He has done amazingly well with that, but for obvious reasons, it still makes me nervous. The incident with our cat... he was completely sober. He has not been "drunk" for many years.

 

I think we both have a lot of issues to deal with. We both come from abusive backgrounds with addictive parents and neglect. I don't want that to define me forever, and I did a lot of work on that part of my life already. He tends to make excuses and play the blame game still, which I find really annoying. Overall, though, considering both of our pasts, we have done an amazing job. Our kids are amazing and we have a very stable, comfortable life financially. There is a lot I am grateful for. So that also plays into the guilt I put on myself. Like nothing is ever going to be good enough for me. I worry I'm a "grass is always greener" gal.

So yeah, lol, lots to work on all around!

 

In the end, I just don't know if I will ever trust or truly forgive him. I hold on to so very much. I'm not super proud about that, but it's the truth of the matter. I don't want him jumping through hoops to please me. I want him to want to fix himself because that's the right thing to do. I don't believe he sees it that way yet, honestly. But I can't be responsible for that part too, not anymore.

 

Thank you for the book recommendation and listening to my ever evolving, long story! StillTrying you are an amazing woman and very intuitive. I'm very glad to have made an online friend

 

I was totally off about the timing of things. If he hurt your beautiful cat when he was sober- I have to ask you, Sabella, do you feel safe? Why or why not?

 

I also wanted to ask you to elaborate a little on your phone conversation with him. If I'm right you told him what the deal breaker was- his anger. But is it possible you felt guilty about disclosing how much of a deal breaker it was because you thought it would undermine him enormously and undo all the work he'd done on himself (with your indispensable help, btw)? So though you did tell him the truth you also blurred it by adding at least one more reason- one that was true enough but perhaps not enough in itself to cause the breakup?

 

But the fact that you did give him other reasons will inevitably cause him to counter with solutions for those reasons: eg you mentioned you were no longer sexually attracted to him, and he said he was open to you dating others. The more solvable reasons you offer him the more he will come back with solutions and the more difficult it will be for you to explain that you really and truly want out.

 

Is it possible also that because you helped him find sobriety and find a livable life, you feel responsible for him for life? You see yourself propping him up and you fear he will collapse if you withdraw your support?

 

You didn't mention anything about IC- I'm sorry if I missed it if you did. At the risk of nagging you, I want to say please, please get individual counseling. Find out what the risks are to you, your children, even to him, with his kind of anger.

 

You were sweet to call me intuitive, but I know I'm also usually quite off because I do a heck of a lot of projecting. And I'm projecting here- it's how I would handle the situation in which I interpret you to be. But if I'm not projecting, could you say a bit more about how things have been going since your last post? How have your FTF encounters gone since then?

 

I've learned so much from your thread and from you, specifically, Sabella. I noticed I didn't even bother to thank you officially. So here it comes: thank you. And thank you for calling me your friend- it's an honor. We're friends (I'm making it official). I have so much admiration for you, because you've handled incredible difficulties so courageously- beating yourself up all the while.

[lemondrop21]

But the fact that you did give him other reasons will inevitably cause him to counter with solutions for those reasons: eg you mentioned you were no longer sexually attracted to him, and he said he was open to you dating others. The more solvable reasons you offer him the more he will come back with solutions and the more difficult it will be for you to explain that you really and truly want out.

 

This reminds me of something I read somewhere once. When breaking up with someone, all you have to say is "This relationship is no longer working for me." If they ask why, providing them with reasons only gives them an option to counter with possible solutions other than breaking up. So instead of giving them reasons, you simply repeat, over and over, "Because this relationship is no longer working for me."

 

There may be a time and place down the road to have those deeper conversations about what happened, but in the heat of the moment, it's often not worth having the long, drawn out discussions about "why." Especially if you could be in danger.

[Sabella]

StillTrying and Lemondrop... Yeah we did go around and around a bit at first. He was countering my reasons for wanting a separation. I guess I expected that, as I tend to avoid the hard convos or tend to "soften" them. I do that all the time though, not just for spouse.

 

Ultimately, I really just need space to sort my brain and all my issues out and allow him to try and do the same. Getting us living separately, it's a huge step and one that I really need. So even though I may have been a bit convoluted in my reasons at the beginning...that part is happening. We are both committed to IC also.

 

I think we will be sitting the kids down in the next couple of days too that part will be hard.

 

Do I feel responsible for his life? Yeah I do. I know that I shouldn't (logically) but I still need to learn to let that part go. It will be a challenge. Since we have kids, I believe that makes me even more concerned. He will always be a huge part of our lives and always their daddy. So I tend to tread very lightly, about all things. Which ofc has left me with some built up resentment, for things that were never said or said ineffectively...which led me to A? I can't quite process it all right now, but that's ok. How do you eat an elephant? Right? Lol

 

Today we finalized his apartment details and I believe move in will be this weekend and we had lunch. It's all very civilized and odd right now. But I'm very happy we are speaking and speaking honestly. He joked and said we are having the most amicable break up ever. I wouldn't want it any other way, we've known each other forever and will be a part of each other's lives till we breathe our last breaths.

 

I'm not afraid of him. But I don't completely trust him either. He has a lot of work to do and I need to see how that plays out. I think right now I'm just feeling a little sad. But I'm hoping for a more enlightened future, whatever comes.

 

StillTrying, the last line in your post had me truly LOL

[stilltrying16]

Oh fantastic, things are moving in just the right direction- and at a great pace. I was worried about backsliding but there's not a hint of it here. Hats off to you both.

 

You've got this, Sabella. It's so so difficult- but you're handling it like a champ.

 

Shall be sending you tons of good wishes every day. Please come back and post and update.

 

KUDOS to you and a big bear hug!!!!

Edited May 24, 2016 by stilltrying16

[ShatteredLady]

Sabella. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I know that words can't really express how hard it all is. A whole life, ugh! It's all so much more complicated, stressful & heartbreaking than those who have never been there can imagine.

 

Honestly I'm so impressed with how well you're dealing with things so far. I get the impression that you're a much stronger lady than you give yourself credit for! You have been so very brave already.

 

You strike me as a people pleaser & care giver to a fault (it's ok. So am I). Something that really worked for me was almost obsessively reading & posting here, particularly trying to help & understand others. In many ways it helped me be a little more rational & analytical about my own situation & it helps with the urge to contact those we shouldn't be taking to!

 

Once you have more posts you will be able to private message other members. I know it's 'just a forum' but I've be surprised by the depth of relationships that can be fostered. We're all in similar boats here.

 

It was such a relief in many ways to understand that I'm not as alone as I believed myself to be. Emotional isolation is what causes much of our pain in life. We all need a friend to tell us that everything's going to be ok sometimes.

 

Everything IS going to be ok.

[Sabella]

Sabella. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I know that words can't really express how hard it all is. A whole life, ugh! It's all so much more complicated, stressful & heartbreaking than those who have never been there can imagine.

 

Honestly I'm so impressed with how well you're dealing with things so far. I get the impression that you're a much stronger lady than you give yourself credit for! You have been so very brave already.

 

You strike me as a people pleaser & care giver to a fault (it's ok. So am I). Something that really worked for me was almost obsessively reading & posting here, particularly trying to help & understand others. In many ways it helped me be a little more rational & analytical about my own situation & it helps with the urge to contact those we shouldn't be taking to!

 

Once you have more posts you will be able to private message other members. I know it's 'just a forum' but I've be surprised by the depth of relationships that can be fostered. We're all in similar boats here.

 

It was such a relief in many ways to understand that I'm not as alone as I believed myself to be. Emotional isolation is what causes much of our pain in life. We all need a friend to tell us that everything's going to be ok sometimes.

 

Everything IS going to be ok.

 

Thank you so much. I certainly have a lot to work on with my people pleasing stuff. I have one of those approachable faces I guess. Complete strangers will often confide very deep secrets with me in the grocery store. Bizarre

 

On the hunt for my IC now

 

It's a lot for sure, we have a lot to untangle and sort through. I just keep going step by step, I can't and don't want to go back to denial

[Poppy47]

Perhaps you don't have strong personal boundaries that stop people from telling you their woes. Stop being so receptive. It's not your job to listen to everyone.

 

Poppy.

[Sabella]

Perhaps you don't have strong personal boundaries that stop people from telling you their woes. Stop being so receptive. It's not your job to listen to everyone.

 

Poppy.

 

I am in agreement with you. It's been that way with me for a while now, and something I'm always working on.

[paradoxx]

Sabella, you've been through a lot. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

I can relate to how you felt about telling your husband and the struggle in making the decision to separate. I feel like I may be on that same path, but I feel, as you did as well, horribly sickened by the idea of breaking my family apart. My husband doesn't have anger problems but is very controlling. (He says he shuts down his emotions so he doesn't have anger outbursts-they have happened but are infrequent). I feel like maybe I could just keep "faking it" and keep things together, but then I remind myself that that's what I've been trying all this time.

 

You have been so brave taking the steps to change things.

 

paradoxx

[Sabella]

Sabella, you've been through a lot. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

I can relate to how you felt about telling your husband and the struggle in making the decision to separate. I feel like I may be on that same path, but I feel, as you did as well, horribly sickened by the idea of breaking my family apart. My husband doesn't have anger problems but is very controlling. (He says he shuts down his emotions so he doesn't have anger outbursts-they have happened but are infrequent). I feel like maybe I could just keep "faking it" and keep things together, but then I remind myself that that's what I've been trying all this time.

 

You have been so brave taking the steps to change things.

 

paradoxx

 

Thanks Paradoxx

Actually I don't feel very brave, lol. I mean a lot of this just kind of played out in front of me,

 

AP ended our A. I guess my only strength there is that I've not begged him to come back this time, which is what I have done in the past. NC has been particularly brutal for me and I still cry a lot. I just have to hide it often. I force myself to get through another day, one day at a time. I wonder if I will ever stop thinking of him? Meh. I've done crazy things to stop my mind from thinking of him. First couple weeks I wore a rubber band around my wrist and would snap when I would get sappy about him. I also made up a mean mantra about him. I put together 3 things that I didn't like about him and I would repeat it to myself when I needed. All silly things, but hey, whatever gets me through another day I suppose.

 

And the incident with my cat forced my hand with H...that could have dragged out much longer otherwise. My life the past month has been a perfect storm of things happening. I stay resolute in my decision to separate by picturing my cat struggling for breath in my arms, that's all it takes. Got a condolence card from the emergency vet today and now I'm crying again.

 

We told the kids last night. It went "ok" but my kids keep a lot to themselves so I worry. I've been trying to make a little alone time with each individually to try and keep communication open. As long as H and I can stay good and amicable about our parenting...I think they will be better for it eventually. There's just so much I can't tell them about their dad, so I'm sure some of this is extremely confusing and surprising.

[maggy1502]

Hello! I officially just registered for this site. But I would like to say Sabella- I am in somewhat the same situation you are in. Maybe eventually I will post my own story. But for now....been in NC with AP for 3 weeks after DD. I think today is the first day I have felt the tiniest bit better. It's so hard. I have been going through some personal stuff as well and wish I could reach out to him. Get a hug. Something. We can be strong together.

[Sabella]

Hi Maggie, (((hugs))) to you as well and welcome to the forum.

 

I understand the the reluctance of posting your story, but I will look for it if you decide you want to share it here.

 

Good job on the NC! Be gentle with yourself about it though, it's a process. There are days, for no apparent reason, that it's more sad and difficult for me. Make sure you take it one day at a time )

 

NC is really the only way to step back and get clarity over the A situation, no matter how you wish it to play out.

 

Take care

[maggy1502]

Hi Maggie, (((hugs))) to you as well and welcome to the forum.

 

I understand the the reluctance of posting your story, but I will look for it if you decide you want to share it here.

 

Good job on the NC! Be gentle with yourself about it though, it's a process. There are days, for no apparent reason, that it's more sad and difficult for me. Make sure you take it one day at a time )

 

NC is really the only way to step back and get clarity over the A situation, no matter how you wish it to play out.

 

Take care

 

Sabella-

Thank you for the reply Things were rocky with him for a while, I tried several times to end things, but he always came back. Manipulating his way back into my life, really. I really did care for him and still do, but the whole situation and living a double life was tearing me apart. There was a pregnancy (was his) added to the mix close to the end, which stirred up all kinds of feelings. I lost the baby but for some reason I just feel more attached now. Probably bc only him and I know about it.

 

Two days before DD we had been in NC for a week. We 'got back together' I guess you could say for 3 days. He was literally on his knees crying saying he would do this and do that from now on. Two days later the BS caught him texting me, called me from his phone. I answered, thinking it was him. Did not disclose who I was. She figured it out. Confronted me from her number. I think the part that is really eating at me is he poured his heart out to me so much the days right before DD. Then when she found out, he has not tried to reach out to me at all. ----I have read posts on here, which tells me he was just using me and telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me as a side piece. It felt more than that, but it seems that its usually the case with these situations.

 

Sad part is, I would probably contact him if he was willing. I kind of wanted to just say goodbye peacefully. BS contacted me and said to not contact them ever again or she would get police involved. Messy situation. I'm trying to take BS's feelings into consideration as well.

 

I know it's the right thing that things are over. She does not know the details of our A. Just thinks we were friends texting with some flirting. Anyways..I definitely would like to keep in touch with you since we are pretty much at the same point in NC.

[Sabella]

I totally understand. The push/pull of the relationship is really hard to escape and hard to get past when doing NC. I still secretly wish my AP would reach out to me. I'm uncertain what I would do if he did. I'm hoping I would simply ignore it. As the days go by and my life gets even crazier, its easier to imagine not responding. If I can get through all this without him, I can get through anything.

 

I think your MM is similar to mine and very conflict avoidant. If my mm and his spouse had a DD, I have no doubt that he would drop me, quickly out of necessity. But he never pretended to want to leave his kids. I never wanted him to. I enjoyed what we did have, which was mostly an EA from long distance. That friendship was difficult to let go of.

 

You have been through quite a lot Maggie. I can see how losing the baby made you feel even closer to him. I'm sorry you had to go through that I can't even imagine. Find something to do, just for you. At the very least it may help distract you, better yet you may something amazing to inspire you

[maggy1502]

Yes! I totally agree. I am like well he was my go to person with any problems, and now he poofed and I feel like I'm grieving a terrible loss alone. I already do IC and I have shared with my therapist the details. I don't know if I plan to tell H, at least not now. I don't want to add to the sh!* storm anymore.

 

I secretly wish mine was a long distance A. My MM actually lives close. So chances of seeing him around are pretty decent. I have gone to our spots a few times just to think and try to find peace. The thoughts of possible run ins give me anxiety. Have seen him a few times driving already. Ugh.

 

I will say I think reading other people's situations here is helping

[Sabella]

Maggie how are you doing lately? I'm not sure how many days of NC I'm at, but it's been the longest amount ever. So yay??! Lol idk

 

My update so far is things are trudging along. H is officially in his new apartment this weekend, he is currently traveling. He has found an IC...I haven't yet officially.

 

Last week has been rough as H was drinking too much and I had to say something about it. Everything is very weird right now and I'm just trying to get through each day.

 

I have good days and shi++y ones. Hoping the good days will start being more prevalent soon.

[jenkins95]

You are doing amazingly well Sabella - we are so proud of you. Keep it going, one step at a time! You are an inspiration.

 

And I've been so impressed at the wonderful, well thought out, wonderfully supportive posts that you have been contributing to other members' threads. What a brilliant, valuable great new additional member to LS you are.

 

Thank you!