Guidance needed re opp-sex friends

[MrBump]

My girlfriend of 6 months is proving difficult to stay with and I'm needing advice as to whether I'm actually the problem like she says I am...

 

She has three close male friends, one of whom is an ex boyfriend and another is a FB she spent 6 months with immediately prior to hooking up with me.

I have no problems with close opp-sex friends providing they aren't recent exes, recent FBs, or friends who hit on my girl and obviously want more. I think those views are reasonable but are they? My girlfriend thinks not and we argue often about this. Other than this what I call baggage she brings to the relationship we get along like a house on fire in every other respect. I love this girl but her opinion on opp-sex friends and her refusal to treat my viewpoint with anything but contempt is going to destroy our relationship. Are we simply not suited, am I in the wrong or is she expecting too much?

[Gloria25]

How 'bout this? Every time they call/txt, you answer the phone and make sure you chat with them too. Every time she is gonna hang with them, you join in. Everything on Facebook she likes/comments on - so do you. Cuz it's all like we're friends, no?

 

And do it without arguing, upset, etc....act like these guys are literally your besties too. After a while they'll get bored of you in the mix (cuz they got hardons for her - not you) and they'll move on.

 

Then you dump her.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

We all have different things that we can and cannot compromise on.

 

There are all sorts of things to consider like the level of trust between you, are you able to communicate your feelings openly without feeling ridiculed, and how this particular compromise will make you feel in the long run.

 

The biggest concern would be that this will turn you into an insecure and jealous person, especially if you weren't that way in the beginning. If you can disregard it and be fine, great! Many people have can still have successful relationships under these circumstances, but for others it begins to eat away at them and eventually it destroys the relationship.

 

If it starts to make you feel unhappy, my advice would be to find someone who has similar values and move on.

[MrBump]

She thinks I'm being insecure, untrusting and jealous. The problem is all my doing according to her and she simply will not see my side of the issue.

[MrBump]

That is exactly what people like her always say. Don't pay it any mind.

 

She has got a point, if looked at in a certain way. I should be confident, trust that she's with me and consider none of these friendships to be any threat.

However, that's only one way of looking at it and I'm certainly not that amazingly cocksure of myself to let none of this bother me. I would consider her feelings if our roles were reversed and she wouldn't even need to ask me to curtail these friendships or certainly increase the boundaries. I just consider her to be out of order on a point of principle. I'm prepared to be wrong on this matter though, and hope that the majority of replies here agree with my girlfriend!

[central]

She thinks I'm being insecure, untrusting and jealous. The problem is all my doing according to her and she simply will not see my side of the issue.

 

It cones down to how good her boundaries are with these exes, and whether you trust her to maintain them. If she can, and you trust her, then it's your problem to resolve - which may mean accepting things as it, or breaking up if it is still contrary to your values. If you don't believe she can or she can't then it's her problem to fix.

[katiegrl]

My girlfriend of 6 months is proving difficult to stay with and I'm needing advice as to whether I'm actually the problem like she says I am...

 

She has three close male friends, one of whom is an ex boyfriend and another is a FB she spent 6 months with immediately prior to hooking up with me.

 

I have no problems with close opp-sex friends providing they aren't recent exes, recent FBs, or friends who hit on my girl and obviously want more. I think those views are reasonable but are they? My girlfriend thinks not and we argue often about this.

 

Are we simply not suited, am I in the wrong or is she expecting too much?

 

I have to ask.... I presume you knew about these close male friends when you first started dating her?

 

Knowing it was something you are uncomfortable with (and okay don't like, and won't tolerate).... why did you continue dating her?

 

I write this all the time on this board, when you discover things like this early on (i.e. dealbreakers) you end it! Reason being, to avoid shyt like this from happening.... later. As in what's happening now, six months into it, after you've become emotionally invested which makes it so much more difficult to walk away.

 

This is who she is, no she is not going to give these male friends up, and frankly why should she? It's her life, her friends.

 

It's really up to you to either accept it, or if you can't, to leave.

 

And IMO, since I gather you knew this from this get go, you should have left back then.

 

NOT hung around for six months, and then announce you are uncomfortable with her having these male friends and demanding or expecting her to dump them.... for you.

 

That's not how it works.

 

You have no control over her or who she chooses to be friends with.

 

It's up to you. If this is a dealbreaker, then leave.

 

Or, if you have it in you, try to understand her POV, not feel threatened by them, and accept. Perhaps try being friends with them yourself!

 

If that is not possible, then again you wish her well and walk away.

 

YOUR CHOICE.

 

She is not gonna change.

 

She will only end up resenting you for expecting her to.

Edited May 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

Let me ask you something more about her. Is she super social? Does she just have a lot of friends in general? Is she just a really fun person who people like to be around?

 

I'm one of those who was in a big group of people (years ago) and you couldn't avoid seeing your exes anyway because we were all part of the local music crowd and everyone would be at every concert, so you had to find a way to just get along and not try to never see them, and to do that, you kind of have to find a friendly balance.

 

I honestly never had a guy tell me it was a problem, but I tried to stay a step ahead of it and explain. Like the worst time it happened, I was dating a newish guy and was really falling for him, but the guy I'd fallen for before, who never worked out because of some of his issues, never just disappeared. I told the new guy this up front. I told him I had fallen for him but it was not reciprocated and that's what I believed at the time, though it was more complicated than that. He had ED issues but I didn't realize that was part oft he problem. Anyway, the new guy seemed okay with it --even when he came over to pick me up for a date and the guy had just come over and used my shower (starving musician) and was just leaving when he got there. Now, that's asking a lot of anyone, but I had prepared him beforehand by telling him the truth as I knew it, and he believed me (and that "new guy" and are friends 40 years later too).

 

I mean, there are exceptions why someone will do it, but here is the rule I don't think anyone can argue with IF you have a committed relationship. Now realize mine was not exclusive with the new guy at the time, though I wished it had been. If there was an agreement for exclusivity, my rule would be if you see the ex or anyone who ever had a crush on you (unless it's obvious to the partner they're not someone you'd ever be attracted to) or who you ever had a crush on, then you don't see them alone and always take your partner with you. Perfectly reasonable. Get to know them, see what you think. See if you detect they're sniffing around her still. Stake out your territory right in front of them and see if they still want to hang around randomly all the time. I bet not.

 

But here is the problem with jealousy that just won't go away. If someone is going to cheat on you, they will find a way. It only takes 10 minutes. You can't monitor someone enough to keep them from cheating if that is what they're going to do, so the best thing to do is leave the cage door wide open and, if you can muster it up, know that even if the worst happens, there are other women out there and it is better to find out than letting more time pass. If you get caught up in checking and monitoring, if it was ever a real threat, it's going to happen anyway. If you got her from one of these guys before they were done, the likelihood is the same thing may happen to you, too. But isn't it better to just leave the door open and see if the worst happens and get it over with and move on? And if you leave the door open and she just keeps coming back, then you can relax. But do get familiar with these guys. Have them over for BBQ, whether she wants to or not.

 

Good luck.

[RecentChange]

I have many male friends - always have since I met my best friend David when I was 5 years old.

 

That said, I don't firt / kiss / make out with or F' my friends.

 

Any guy I have kissed on the lips does not remain friends after I have moved on.

[salparadise]

This is who she is, no she is not going to give these male friends up, and frankly why should she? It's her life, her friends.

 

Heh, some women are more invested in their orbiters and ex's than they are in their primary relationship. They just can't say no to the attention, validation and sexualized interactions. They'd be lost without significant drama and knowing they're having an impact on a man's emotions. It's a stretch to even use the word friends. It's obfuscation. They're orbiters, no more, no less. That kind of attention is an addiction to her.

 

Katie's right––you can't change it. Of course, why she should is obvious to most people, just not to women who feel entitled to as much male attention as they can possibly get.

 

I agree with enigma. You should just let her go quietly and find someone who has healthy boundaries. This is never going to be ok with you, and she's never going to change.

[MrBump]

I have to ask.... I presume you knew about these close male friends when you first started dating her?

 

Knowing it was something you are uncomfortable with (and okay don't like, and won't tolerate).... why did you continue dating her?

 

I write this all the time on this board, when you discover things like this early on (i.e. dealbreakers) you end it! Reason being, to avoid shyt like this from happening.... later. As in what's happening now, six months into it, after you've become emotionally invested which makes it so much more difficult to walk away.

 

This is who she is, no she is not going to give these male friends up, and frankly why should she? It's her life, her friends.

 

It's really up to you to either accept it, or if you can't, to leave.

 

And IMO, since I gather you knew this from this get go, you should have left back then.

 

NOT hung around for six months, and then announce you are uncomfortable with her having these male friends and demanding or expecting her to dump them.... for you.

 

That's not how it works.

 

You have no control over her or who she chooses to be friends with.

 

It's up to you. If this is a dealbreaker, then leave.

 

Or, if you have it in you, try to understand her POV, not feel threatened by them, and accept. Perhaps try being friends with them yourself!

 

If that is not possible, then again you wish her well and walk away.

 

YOUR CHOICE.

 

She is not gonna change.

 

She will only end up resenting you for expecting her to.

 

Yes I knew that she had male friends but I only recently found out that one of these guys was an old FB, and what's more that he was doing my girl right up until she met me. So armed with this new knowledge I'm kinda peeved. My g/f acts like he's just a friend and why should she give up a friend she's known 6+ years. Plus he knows and hangs out with all her other friends...

[katiegrl]

Yes I knew that she had male friends but I only recently found out that one of these guys was an old FB, and what's more that he was doing my girl right up until she met me. So armed with this new knowledge I'm kinda peeved. My g/f acts like he's just a friend and why should she give up a friend she's known 6+ years. Plus he knows and hangs out with all her other friends...

 

Well I am sorry about that, but again your choice to either accept or if you can't, wish her well and walk away.

 

FWIW, I would! (Walk away).

 

I would never ever tolerate my bf being good friends with a woman he had been f***ing before he met me.

 

I wouldn't demand he end the friendship though.

 

That's not my decision to make. Like I said, I have no control over him or his choice of friends.

 

The only thing I can control is my own reaction to it.

 

And my reaction would be to wish him well and move on, no matter how intoxicating the chemistry and/or how invested I was.

 

I am pretty strong like that though, always have been.... not everyone is.

 

Your choice though.

 

Best of luck.

Edited May 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[MrBump]

Well I am sorry about that, but again your choice to either accept or if you can't, wish her well and walk away.

 

FWIW, I would!

 

I would never ever tolerate my bf being good friends with a woman he had been f***ing before he met me.

 

I wouldn't demand he end the friendship though.

 

That's not my decision to make. Like I said, I have no control over him or his choice of friends.

 

The only thing I can control is my own reaction to it.

 

And my reaction would be to wish him well and move on, no matter how intoxicating the chemistry and/or how invested I was.

 

I am pretty strong like that though, always have been.... not everyone is.

 

Your choice though.

 

Best of luck.

 

What about him rather annoyingly being good friends with all her other friends?

I can't ban her from seeing everyone can I? It all seems way too complicated.

She says that if I hadn't found out he was an old FB then there wouldn't be a problem...but I have found out. For her it all comes down to me trusting her and she thinks I'm being 'weird' about this.

Edited May 17, 2016 by MrBump

[katiegrl]

What about him rather annoyingly being good friends with all her other friends?

I can't ban her from seeing everyone can I? It all seems way too complicated.

 

Wha?

 

Where did I say you should ban her from seeing him?

 

Read my post again please.

 

I said the exact opposite, your should NOT ban her.... that is not your choice to make.

 

You either accept her friendship with this dude or you WALK AWAY.

 

The latter of which is what I would do.

[MrBump]

Wha?

 

Where did I say you should ban her from seeing him?

 

Read my post again please.

 

I said the exact opposite, your should NOT ban her.... that is not your choice to make.

 

You either accept her friendship with this dude or you WALK AWAY.

 

The latter of which is what I would do.

 

I know you didn't say that, I wasn't suggesting that you did. I was trying to get across that she can't very well offer me a solution/compromise here either can she? So I thought it worth mentioning in case it alters peoples' thinking on this.

[katiegrl]

I know you didn't say that, I wasn't suggesting that you did. I was trying to get across that she can't very well offer me a solution/compromise here either can she? So I thought it worth mentioning in case it alters peoples' thinking on this.

 

Other than dumping him as a friend, yeah you're right, there really is no compromising here.

 

Which isn't really a compromise, it's her acquiescing to your demand (um, request), which if I had to take a wild guess, she will eventually resent you for.

 

You know.... just the mere fact she values the friendship with her ex-fwb MORE than she values her RL with you (obviously) speaks volumes.

 

If the roles were flipped and I was in your situation? I would leave based on that alone.

 

Personally I find it disrespectful to you AND your RL.

 

Again, I don't think it's your place to demand she end it.... but seriously I really would expect her to want to end it, on her own.

 

You tell her you are uncomfortable with it and why.... and out of respect for you and your RL, she should want to end it.

 

But she doesn't. Speaks volumes.

 

I hope you choose to walk away, you deserve better.

[MrBump]

Other than dumping him as a friend, yeah you're right, there really is no compromising here.

 

Which isn't really a compromise, it's her acquiescing to your demand (um, request), which if I had to take a wild guess, she will eventually resent you for.

 

You know.... just the mere fact she values the friendship with her ex-fwb MORE than she values her RL with you (obviously) speaks volumes.

 

If the roles were flipped and I was in your situation? I would leave based on that alone.

 

Personally I find it disrespectful to you AND your RL.

 

Again, I don't think it's your place to demand she end it.... but seriously I really would expect her to want to end it, on her own.

 

You tell her you are uncomfortable with it and why.... and out of respect for you and your RL, she should want to end it.

 

But she doesn't. Speaks volumes.

 

I hope you choose to walk away, you deserve better.

 

Apparently her friends and her mother think I'm being an ass over this so my opinion is even more worthless to her than ever when it comes to this issue. Everyone says that I'm being jealous and controlling so my argument has zero weight. It's most frustrating when the majority in this thread would be even more rigid about leaving her than I am! :-(

[katiegrl]

Apparently her friends and her mother think I'm being an ass over this so my opinion is even more worthless to her than ever when it comes to this issue. Everyone says that I'm being jealous and controlling so my argument has zero weight. It's most frustrating when the majority in this thread would be even more rigid about leaving her than I am! :-(

 

Well frankly if you choose to stay and continue acting jealous and controlling by demanding she end it.... then sorry but yeah you are being an ass.

 

Are you not reading our posts?

 

Most of us are saying you should NOT demand she end it, it's not your place.

 

You either accept it, which means no more jealousy, no controlling by demanding she end. You squelch those feelings, no matter how difficult that is.

 

OR, if you can't accept it without jealousy and control....you WALK AWAY.

 

I am not sure how much more clear we can get.

[MrBump]

Well frankly if you choose to stay and continue acting jealous and controlling by demanding she end it.... then sorry but yeah you are being an ass.

 

Are you not reading our posts?

 

Most of us are saying you should NOT demand she end it, it's not your place.

 

You either accept it, which means no more jealousy, no controlling by demanding she end. You squelch those feelings, no matter how difficult that is.

 

OR, if you can't accept it without jealousy and control....you WALK AWAY.

 

I am not sure how much more clear we can get.

 

Yeah I get it. I'd still be considered a jealous ass even if I walked away...

[Gloria25]

Yeah I get it. I'd still be considered a jealous ass even if I walked away...

 

No, you'd be someone with a spine. Jealous and weak hangs around and nags her about it, but doesn't dump her.

[MrBump]

No, you'd be someone with a spine. Jealous and weak hangs around and nags her about it, but doesn't dump her.

 

Most people here say that she's in the wrong and it's easy to say "dump her" when you aren't in love with the girl concerned. Have I been out of order to try and convince her that she's wrong? I don't want to give her up but it is growing increasingly difficult for either of us to find a way through this.

[Tayla]

what behavior has she exhibited to cause you this concern? The reality is, it's the past men you have a hard time trusting. With a splash of not trusting her.

 

As a lady in my mid age, I stopped the jealousy and "past relationship" train. Most of my guy friends encourage my current relations and are rather cordial about it. Big difference in how maturity works.

 

I would suggest you take a good hard look in how you view her guy friends verses how she presents the facts.

 

I'd most likely reconsider dating you if you made false allegations involving my faithfulness or how I conduct myself with my friends. But that's coming from years of putting up with a person who seems they know me better then I know myself. So I could be bias.

 

I would though hear you out and allow you to be more involved in my social circle, I certainly wouldn't deny you that.

 

It's up to you though which side matters. Entrusting your girlfriend or making assumptions without real confirmations .

[katiegrl]

Most people here say that she's in the wrong and it's easy to say "dump her" when you aren't in love with the girl concerned. Have I been out of order to try and convince her that she's wrong? I don't want to give her up but it is growing increasingly difficult for either of us to find a way through this.

 

I have a suggestion.

 

Instead of trying to convince her she is *wrong*, calmly explain how she is being disrespectful.

 

To you and your relationship.

 

Huge difference between those two things. Because she is not wrong, you don't like it, that doesn't make it wrong.

 

It's is disrespectful though because you are uncomfortable with it, and by disregard yiur feelings, she is placing more value on her FWB relationship than she is with you, the man, she claims to be in love with.

 

Flip it around and ask her how she would feel if you insisted on remaining friends with a woman you were f***ing immediately prior to meeting her.

 

It's all in how you present your concerns.

 

When you start demanding and attempting to control, she is going to dig her heels in and resist.

 

Present a rational argument for why it's disrespectful without placing demands, and accusing her of being *wrong*, she might understand.

 

And want to give up the FWB relationship on her own, for the good if your relationship.

[MrBump]

what behavior has she exhibited to cause you this concern? The reality is, it's the past men you have a hard time trusting. With a splash of not trusting her.

 

As a lady in my mid age, I stopped the jealousy and "past relationship" train. Most of my guy friends encourage my current relations and are rather cordial about it. Big difference in how maturity works.

 

I would suggest you take a good hard look in how you view her guy friends verses how she presents the facts.

 

I'd most likely reconsider dating you if you made false allegations involving my faithfulness or how I conduct myself with my friends. But that's coming from years of putting up with a person who seems they know me better then I know myself. So I could be bias.

 

I would though hear you out and allow you to be more involved in my social circle, I certainly wouldn't deny you that.

 

It's up to you though which side matters. Entrusting your girlfriend or making assumptions without real confirmations .

 

Well I kinda automatically have a distrust for a girl whose three closest friends are all male, one of them is an ex and another is a very recent ****buddy. Call me paranoid and untrusting but that kind of set-up breeds insecurity for me. Then when you throw in that she completely dismisses my feelings about it and a part of me distrusts her even more. I think to be able to put up with exes and old ****buddies hanging around you need 100% trust and for that I'd need these guys to be fringe players and not her besties. I'd be cool then.

[MrBump]

I have a suggestion.

 

Instead of trying to convince her she is *wrong*, calmly explain how she is being disrespectful.

 

To you and your relationship.

 

Huge difference between those two things. Because she is not wrong, you don't like it, that doesn't make it wrong.

 

It's is disrespectful though because you are uncomfortable with it, and by disregard yiur feelings, she is placing more value on her FWB relationship than she is with you, the man, she claims to be in love with.

 

Flip it around and ask her how she would feel if you insisted on remaining friends with a woman you were f***ing immediately prior to meeting her.

 

It's all in how you present your concerns.

 

When you start demanding and attempting to control, she is going to dig her heels in and resist.

 

Present a rational argument for why it's disrespectful without placing demands, and accusing her of being *wrong*, she might understand.

 

And want to give up the FWB relationship on her own, for the good if your relationship.

 

Oh I have tried to politely and rationally explain my feelings on it without making demands. It got me nowhere. I then got narky and made demands which got me nowhere either. However I present my argument I'm labelled as a jealous, insecure nutjob. She even said that I need counselling to help with my insecurity! I have never previously been a jealous or controlling boyfriend.