Guidance needed re opp-sex friends

[preraph]

preraph, just curious.

 

If, after you proposed the above^^ to your bf, or otherwise told him you were uncomfortable with him being friends with his ex, and he responded by calling you an "insecure, controlling nutjob," how would you feel about that? How would you handle it?

 

Cuz, IMO it's not even about the friendship anymore. It's about her dismissing and disregarding his feelings, disrespecting him and verbally abusing him.... after he expressed discomfort about it and wanted to discuss/resolve it.

 

He has no evidence at all that anything is going on. He says he trusts her. If I felt someone was messing around with them and lying to me, I wouldn't stick around for the fight. I'd just leave and let them get their priorities straight, and I'd start dating other people. But that's if I knew it was more than friends, which he doesn't seem to know.

 

Look, there are lots of men and women married or involved with good looking men and women who are ALWAYS going to have people trying to date them. Those are the bigger issue, not the person's friends. And an insecure person can't date them without letting their insecurities mess up the relationship. Because just because you are desirable, does that mean you should have to account for all your time and baby along someone who is so scared of you cheating that they want to monitor you? If you don't know the person well enough to believe them when they say they're not interested in those people romantically, then you shouldn't be exclusive yet.

Edited May 18, 2016 by preraph

[katiegrl]

preraph, just curious.

 

If, after you proposed the above^^ to your bf, or otherwise told him you were uncomfortable with him being friends with his ex, and he responded by calling you an "insecure, controlling nutjob," how would you feel about that? How would you handle it?

 

Cuz, IMO it's not even about the friendship anymore. It's about her dismissing and disregarding his feelings, disrespecting him and verbally abusing him.... after he expressed discomfort about it and wanted to discuss/resolve it.

 

He has no evidence at all that anything is going on. He says he trusts her. If I felt someone was messing around with them and lying to me, I wouldn't stick around for the fight. I'd just leave and let them get their priorities straight, and I'd start dating other people. But that's if I knew it was more than friends, which he doesn't seem to know.

 

Look, there are lots of men and women married or involved with good looking men and women who are ALWAYS going to have people trying to date them. Those are the bigger issue, not the person's friends. And an insecure person can't date them without letting their insecurities mess up the relationship. Because just because you are desirable, does that mean you should have to account for all your time and baby along someone who is so scared of you cheating that they want to monitor you? If you don't know the person well enough to believe them when they say they're not interested in those people romantically, then you shouldn't be exclusive yet.

 

I agree with you.... but you didn't answer my question (posted again above)..... but nevermind.

Edited May 18, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

I agree with you.... but you didn't answer my question (posted again above)..... but nevermind.

 

Because I wouldn't tell him that in confrontational words like that. I'd be trying to find out if there was any merit and not relying upon him to be totally honest because that's what dating men had prepared me for: half-truths. It takes time to build trust with someone. Truth usually comes out, especially if they don't know you're suspicious, because if they are doing anything, they get comfortable with that and start being more blatant.

 

Now I did break up with a guy who kept letting his wife (papers already filed for divorce) continue to pull his strings and take up his weekends with first this excuse and then the other. He'd say they were dividing up stuff. Then he casually mentioned, after about a month of that, and me going along with it, that she got too upset to finish dividing up stuff, so they went to dinner.

 

Well, not that I hadn't suspected before, but I knew it came with the territory (dating a separated man) and also, I wasn't all in anyway. And I continued to visit with all my male friends, though I wasn't dating any of them during that time. So I just let that thing simmer until he shot himself in the foot admitting stuff. And by that time, I knew we shouldn't be together anyway (we started as friends so to me it always seemed weird).

 

So I basically knew it was coming anyway and used that admission as a reason to get out. He said it was none of my business, and that just gave me full assurance that I was doing the right thing.

 

But in fairness comparing the two situations, I had resources to know what this guy was up to, because we had a lot of friends in common. The OP may not have as many resources to draw upon.

[katiegrl]

Because I wouldn't tell him that in confrontational words like that.

 

I know you wouldn't preraph, I was asking how you would feel/react if the roles were flipped and your bf said that to you.

 

Somehow I don't think (again if the roles were flipped, and you made an attempt to discuss this with your bf who had ex's as friends)... that him responding by calling you an "insecure controlling nutjob" would go over real well.

 

Nevermind that you wouldn't have an issue with your bf having ex's as friends, I was basically asking how you would feel if your bf called you a nutjob.

 

For ME? Immediate dealbreaker.

Edited May 18, 2016 by katiegrl

[Cinnamonstix]

I know you wouldn't preraph, I was asking how you would feel/react if the roles were flipped and your bf said that to you.

 

Somehow I don't think (again if the roles were flipped, and you made an attempt to discuss this with your bf who had ex's as friends)... that him responding by calling you an "insecure controlling nutjob" would go over real well.

 

Nevermind that you wouldn't have an issue with your bf having ex's as friends, I was basically asking how you would feel if your bf called you a nutjob.

 

For ME? Immediate dealbreaker.

 

The fact that OP isn't too perturbed about this makes me wonder if this is not out of line for how they interact with each other, or if he was being particularly overbearing when she said it. We don't know the context in which it was said. In case it sounds like I'm defending him, none of this is okay in a healthy relationship.

[preraph]

I know you wouldn't preraph, I was asking how you would feel/react if the roles were flipped and your bf said that to you.

 

Somehow I don't think (again if the roles were flipped, and you made an attempt to discuss this with your bf who had ex's as friends)... that him responding by calling you an "insecure controlling nutjob" would go over real well.

 

Nevermind that you wouldn't have an issue with your bf having ex's as friends, I was basically asking how you would feel if he called you a nutjob.

 

For ME? Immediate dealbreaker.

 

Well, it just depends. In this case, he may or may not be the nutjob, and there are certainly nicer ways to phrase things. Not sure he'd want to hear "You're being irrational" or "These are your insecurities and not my problem" any more than he'd like to hear "OMG, you're acting like a nutjob." Again, I'm not saying this is all him, but if this is all in his imagination and he's haranguing her about it, that's crazy and uncalled for, and in that case, it was him took the first shot. There are a whole lot of men and women whose insecurity has them acting really irrationally. I wouldn't see any reason to coddle that.

[katiegrl]

Well, it just depends. In this case, he may or may not be the nutjob, and there are certainly nicer ways to phrase things. Not sure he'd want to hear "You're being irrational" or "These are your insecurities and not my problem" any more than he'd like to hear "OMG, you're acting like a nutjob." Again, I'm not saying this is all him, but if this is all in his imagination and he's haranguing her about it, that's crazy and uncalled for, and in that case, it was him took the first shot. There are a whole lot of men and women whose insecurity has them acting really irrationally. I wouldn't see any reason to coddle that.

 

preraph I really respect your opinion .... but even saying "you're acting like a nutjob," would be better than "you're a nutjob."

 

That's just really debasing, even IF he is acting like a nutjob.

 

It's just not a word you call someone you claim to be in love with.... IMO. No matter how irrational or psycho they're acting.

 

I never would anyway, and if a bf of mine ever called me that.... for whatever reason... I am out the door.

 

I just don't tolerate that type of crap. Just me.

[preraph]

Of course, we're only hearing his side of the story and can pretty much assume he is not quoting verbatim, but I understand your point. Still, IF he's the crazy one. . . which we don't know and will never know.

[katiegrl]

Of course, we're only hearing his side of the story and can pretty much assume he is not quoting verbatim, but I understand your point. Still, IF he's the crazy one. . . which we don't know and will never know.

 

Well actually, in one of his posts he admitted that she actually did call him a "nutjob" and it didn't bother him.

 

I dunno, perhaps that is their normal style of communicating, I mean if it was said in jest I could understand.

 

But you're right we are only hearing his side.

 

On it's face though, it doesn't look good.

[MrBump]

We don't (*usually) insult each other. I'm just not that dealbreakingly shocked by being called a nutjob. Perhaps I have thick skin but name calling has never really peturbed me. Being disrespected and having my feelings invalidated does bother me though.

[Buddhist]

I think you're simply not suited and here's why.....

 

She obviously views the issue on a different level to you.

 

- To you this is an issue of hey, my feelings on this matter, why don't you do something which validates my feelings to show me you care about me?

 

- To her, it may be a case of not wanting to budge because she views your request as a control mechanism designed to curb her basic freedoms.

 

Whenever you have a situation where someone views their freedoms as being curbed or manipulated in any way you are staring right down the barrel of a breakup. People will above all else fight for their freedom, over and above their partner. There are no exceptions to this.

 

In a relationship there are negotiable compromises and then there's perceived freedoms. People will only agree to a compromise if they don't perceive a lack of freedom in it.

[mikeylo]

I agree. That boils down to her not being ready for a committed relationship.

 

OP, don't waste any more time on her. Find someone who knows boundaries and knows what a committed relationship entails. It's banging your head against a wall with CP. She will drive you crazy. Sorry

[guest569]

Apparently her friends and her mother think I'm being an ass over this so my opinion is even more worthless to her than ever when it comes to this issue. Everyone says that I'm being jealous and controlling so my argument has zero weight. It's most frustrating when the majority in this thread would be even more rigid about leaving her than I am! :-(

 

This is NOT true, at all!! You are perfectly right to feel the way you do about this.

 

I am in a similar situation where the friend is platonic but I get the same horrid feeling as I know the friend doesn't like me and is into my bf, but he insisted on spending way too much time with her and doing 'date' type things with her. Made me uncomfortable. What you are feeling is totally acceptable and reasonable. Don't be fooled, her friends and mother are likely just getting her side of the story?

 

Oh, and these are exes and former sex buddies?? Forget it! No, that is completely unacceptable of her!

[PegNosePete]

Being disrespected and having my feelings invalidated does bother me though.

So what are you going to do about it?