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What do you think were his motives? Did I blow things out of proportion like he said?

annabanana84

By annabanana84,
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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annabanana84

annabanana84

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I met him at a gathering at a friend's place. After that he pursued me incessantly even though I was living in a different city and could only see him once a week while traveling for my job. He was extremely romantic and seemed very into me, constantly showering me with compliments. He told me that I am his dream woman and that there is nothing he wants more than to spend time with me.

 

After the initial two weeks, he started being distant at times and blowing hot and cold. I also saw him less frequently as I was no longer traveling. He told me he is going through financial troubles and does not have money to pay his bill so his phone would be off for days.

 

Finally I got a job offer in his city and decided to relocate there. Last week I went to visit him. He told me that he wants to move in with me and was super romantic and sweet telling me that I am the most awesome woman he's ever been with. While he was at work, I stumbled onto another woman's clothing. Decided to approach him who confessed to seeing another woman simultaneously, who also lives in a different city. Did not even care to apologize as he thought we were not mutually exclusive! Accused me for blowing things out of proportion and invading his privacy. Also told me that he has two daughters which he had not cared to tell me about during all these months!

 

I decided to contact the other girl who had no clue who he had lied to about me. Also discovered that he had told me a bunch of other lies including his job and apartment. Send him a few angry texts, he got super mad and blocked me on his phone... Also found out later that he had been telling the other girl that I was just an ONS and that she's the one he wants to be with.

 

I feel very confused, angry and saddened by all of this... What were his intentions from the start? How should I have handled this situation? Did I really blow things out of proportion?

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annabanana84

annabanana84

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Wouldn't exclusivity be implied if he tells me that he wants to be with me and would like me to move in, no?

 

Also if he is so open about it, why lie and say he's on a business trip when he goes out town to visit her? And why tell her that I'm a ONS when confronted?

 

I feel like that is his excuse for not taking any accountability for his actions... When it was clear that he knew what he was doing was morally dubious.

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LostOnes05

LostOnes05

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No, you didn't blow things out of proportion. This guy is a liar whether or not you had "the talk". If he is saying he wanted to move in with you, etc. why would you have any reason to believe he was seeing someone else and saying the same things to her? Common decency goes a long way and he doesn't have ANY. Move on from him...you dodged a bullet.

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mrldii

mrldii

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If by "blowing things out of proportion" he means "you blew the lid off my perfectly choreographed Dance of the Two (or More) Women",

 

 

then, yes, you "blew things out of proportion".

 

 

Good for you! Now, go find a guy worthy, in your new town. ;)

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bathtub-row

bathtub-row

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I don't think it's a smart move for anyone to change their life drastically for someone they don't even know. He wooed you for a few weeks, then went quiet. Even if he were the most consistent guy in the world, I would never buy into anything a stranger told me. I'd have to date them -- and by that I mean we'd have to be in the same city -- for at least a year. I know people can be really convincing but a lot of the time, they're sometimes they're just plain liars and players.

 

Btw, I think his comment about not having money for his phone bill was a hint at wanting you to give money to him. I think he does this kind of thing a lot. Consider it a bullet dodged.

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annabanana84

annabanana84

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You guys are right. It's a good thing I did not change my life for him. I had been looking to move to his city anyways for the past couple of years and I'd have happily accepted the job offer with or without him.

 

Yeah, I'm afraid you might be right about the money thing as well. When I first met him, he kept talking about how his parents are super wealthy and he doesn't have any financial problems whatsoever. But later I discovered that he doesn't even have any money to pay his rent or phone bill and is virtually bankrupt...He was also super adamant about us moving in together. So very possible that he was looking for a woman to live off of.

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bathtub-row

bathtub-row

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You guys are right. It's a good thing I did not change my life for him. I had been looking to move to his city anyways for the past couple of years and I'd have happily accepted the job offer with or without him.

 

Yeah, I'm afraid you might be right about the money thing as well. When I first met him, he kept talking about how his parents are super wealthy and he doesn't have any financial problems whatsoever. But later I discovered that he doesn't even have any money to pay his rent or phone bill and is virtually bankrupt...He was also super adamant about us moving in together. So very possible that he was looking for a woman to live off of.

 

Most people don't usually go from "super wealthy" to being unable to pay their phone bills in a matter of weeks. Ok, I think it happened years ago on Black Friday...

 

This guy is such a player. I hope you never entertain another conversation with him again. It's hard to believe people like this exist.

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annabanana84

annabanana84

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No they don't know him, he was the guest of this other girl. Who, by the way, seemed super into him and seemed upset when he spent all night talking to me. I actually asked him about her and he said that she is a co-worker who is in love with him but he isn't interested in her romantically or sexually.

 

I've also noticed that he keeps a very low profile online and in public. Took me a long while to find out his last name. Also has very few friends.

 

Why do you ask though?

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Scarlett.O'hara

Scarlett.O'hara

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He wanted sex with you, her and anyone else he can sweet talk.

 

Luckily you found out his game before he moved in or got you pregnant.

 

You dodged a bullet.

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bathtub-row

bathtub-row

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No they don't know him, he was the guest of this other girl. Who, by the way, seemed super into him and seemed upset when he spent all night talking to me. I actually asked him about her and he said that she is a co-worker who is in love with him but he isn't interested in her romantically or sexually.

 

I've also noticed that he keeps a very low profile online and in public. Took me a long while to find out his last name. Also has very few friends.

 

Why do you ask though?

 

I was just wondering if your friends knew him and knew what he was like.

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annabanana84

annabanana84

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I actually never got to meet his friends since I'd only be in town for a couple of days max and would spend all of my free time with him.

 

But apparently he never introduced the other chick as his girlfriend to his friends even while they were living in the same city, and simply "as a friend".

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fixing

fixing

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He sounds like a pure sociopath. You are very lucky to have found out now. I know it hurts badly. Betrayal is the ultimate sin in a relationship.

 

You did nothing wrong. Period. He is a scumbag. Please do not go agonizing over the whys, the hows, is it me? etc.

 

You will get no 'closure' in this situation because the guy is totally unreasonable, selfish and sociopathic. You would have a better chance at getting closure by talking to a goldfish then with him.

 

NC and steer well clear.

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annabanana84

annabanana84

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What's so crazy in all of this is that I'm pretty sure that the other woman decided to take him back after all this mess...Men can get away with anything!

 

I know I really shouldn't care and be happy that I dodged a major bullet, but it's still hurtful and makes me question my own sanity and morals!

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usa1ah

usa1ah

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There are few men and women both that play that game and they are very good at it. Don't beat yourself up to much about. Just be a little wiser next time.

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bathtub-row

bathtub-row

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What's so crazy in all of this is that I'm pretty sure that the other woman decided to take him back after all this mess...Men can get away with anything!

 

I know I really shouldn't care and be happy that I dodged a major bullet, but it's still hurtful and makes me question my own sanity and morals!

 

He's not getting away with anything -- particularly where you're concerned. You're the smart one and men like him can't sustain relationships with women like you. And that's a good thing.

 

There are women in this world who will do anything to keep a guy in their lives, any low-class guy -- even if it means swallowing their dignity, their self-respect, or doing whatever else they need to do. So let them. You're better than that. And what this lame-brain guy has done is find himself with a woman he doesn't give a fig about.

 

Tell me, who's the lucky one here?

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Scarlett.O'hara

Scarlett.O'hara

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What's so crazy in all of this is that I'm pretty sure that the other woman decided to take him back after all this mess...Men can get away with anything!

 

I know I really shouldn't care and be happy that I dodged a major bullet, but it's still hurtful and makes me question my own sanity and morals!

 

I understand why you feel that way, I've been there. That can unfortunately be the downside to opening your heart up and trusting someone.

 

The best lesson I have learnt is to take your time getting to know someone and keep your eyes and ears open. When you allow yourself to get too swept up in the romance early you can miss blatant or even subtle red flags. However in fairness you were already at a disadvantage living in a different city.

 

I think you have handled the whole situation remarkably well considering what he did. I know that is little consolation considering the betrayal and disappointment you must be feeling right now, but you should still hold your head up high knowing that you called him out on his lies and didn't allow him to weasel his way back into your good books. You were strong which is why he chose to work on the other girl. Guys like that always pick the easiest option.

 

Don't let this loser make you doubt yourself. You deserve so much better.

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elaine567

elaine567

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You should always, always have an exclusivity talk. You can never just assume.

NO you cannot assume, but I guess this guy would have told her he was "exclusive" anyway.

He seems to be an accomplished liar and as Satu said not only a liar but a con man too.

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smackie9

smackie9

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How to spot a player: They bomb you with many compliments, tell you how amazing you are, act too good to be true romantic.

 

This not having the "exclusive" talk is a cop out. If you were that amazing to him he wouldn't be boinkin some other woman. He's full of it. I bet money on it, he has told her all the same things he said to you.

 

As the saying goes, if it's sounds too good to be true, it is.

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annabanana84

annabanana84

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Thanks for all the support guys :D I feel more confident that I made the right decision.

 

And now that I think about it, maybe this was more than cheating and in fact he was a pure sociopath and a conman. Here is why:

 

He had told me that he hadn't paid his rent for a few months and was suing his landlord who had changed the locks on him without any legal action. Yet, an online search (when he finally told me his real last name and not the ALIAS that he had been using!) revealed that there is a civil lawsuit against him for nonpayment of rent and a recent arrest for criminal trespass! I'm sure this had been going on for several months and he was legally evicted, yet refused to leave the apartment... When I talked to him about this issue, he simply said that his landlords are slumlords who don't do the proper upkeep and they don't deserve rent!!!

 

Another act of shadiness involved his kids. When I confronted him about his two-timing, he said that he really wants a relationship as he is 10 years older than me, even has kids which makes him terribly jaded and risk-averse towards relationships, that's why it was OK to date two women simultaneously. I was shellshocked as he had never mentioned his kids before, despite multiple opportunities to do so. And it was really weird how he said "you know I already told you I have kids", which was a complete lie! He has told the OW that he has kids after 6 months of dating as well...

 

Apparently the kids are in his home country, which he has not been back to since leaving 7 years ago! So he has literally left when his kids were babies, which also sounds ultra shady. Hmm, I wonder if he is paying child support when he doesn't even have money to pay rent, lol?!

 

Also regarding the exclusivity, if he was honest, why would he lie and say he is going on business trips, when he was leaving the city to visit his OW? During one of our last conversations, he told me that I'm his dream girl and that he wants to move in with me and even extreme stuff like I'd make a great mom, which I would assume imply exclusivity, no?

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smackie9

smackie9

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It would imply you being his meal ticket because he needed a place to live, food, and a babysitter so he could continued to go out banging other women.

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annabanana84

annabanana84

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He's not getting away with anything -- particularly where you're concerned. You're the smart one and men like him can't sustain relationships with women like you. And that's a good thing.

 

There are women in this world who will do anything to keep a guy in their lives, any low-class guy -- even if it means swallowing their dignity, their self-respect, or doing whatever else they need to do. So let them. You're better than that. And what this lame-brain guy has done is find himself with a woman he doesn't give a fig about.

 

Tell me, who's the lucky one here?

 

Yup, not only a two-timer loser but also potentially a pathological liar and a deadbeat dad. The woman willing to take back such a man has to be (a) masochist, (b) extremely gullible, © or desperate!

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annabanana84

annabanana84

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Just a quick update on this crazy drama! It gets more and more interesting proving that he is a spineless scumbag... :love:

 

After three weeks of NC, the OW e-mails me asking me if I could fwd her any text messages or emails that could show that we were in a relationship as he has been in constant denial, simply telling her that we had sex a couple of times.

 

So I recover and send her my messaging history which includes texts in which he is referring to me as "love" and expressing how much he likes me and misses me.

 

Later on that day, I receive an e-mail from the ass-h*le addressed to both me and the OW, littered with insults towards me, expressing his love for her and telling her that our relationship was purely based on sex and that I made this ludicrous story up out of spite and misery! How f*@!ing delusional, not to mention a pathological liar!!!

 

Then I respond to his email (cc'ing her) telling him exactly all the things he had told me and exposing his lies! He still keeps denying, sending me additional emails of insults and cc'ing her. To my last e-mail, I attached our whole e-mailing and chat history which made him shut up!!!

 

What a tool!!! He just dug himself into a whole that he could not get out of!! :bunny:

 

I really really hope that I do not hear from him again...

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