Feeling Lied To By Disney and Chick Flicks

[Wave Rider]

I, like most kids in America, grew up watching Disney movies, which present a specific narrative for relationships, and thus a set of expectations. In Disney movies, a young hero, usually male, receives a call to adventure. He then passes a series of tests, having received the help of sage gurus along the way. He defeats the villain, wins the heart of the maiden, restores justice to the universe, and lives happily ever after with his maiden. You may recognize this as the monomyth.

 

Or in chick flicks, guy meets girl, they hate each other, then destiny brings them together, and through some unlikely chain of events the fall in love and live happily ever after. Again, this presents a specific set of expectations for relationships.

 

We're all here on this forum because we know that these stories are completely wrong.

 

In the real world, seeking relationships is all about approach anxiety, rejection, waiting, wondering, analyzing, half-interested people, cheating, power struggles, divorce, alimony, child support, partners who aren't "in the mood," clingy partners, distant partners, rejection, breakups, make-ups, misunderstandings, failed expectations, and occasional good times. Oh yeah, and rejection too.

 

So if the hero's story and the chick flick are unrelated to real relationships, why do we continue to act as if those stories are real, and continue to pay money to see those movies?

 

The fact is that most people still believe in the relationship fairy tale. 86% of Millennials expect their marriage to last a lifetime. In spite of the outward cynicism about relationships and 50% divorce rate, most people still believe that they will someday find their fairy tale relationship.

 

I feel lied to by Disney. They took my money and told me relationship lies. Chick flicks did the same thing.

 

I don't know what realistic relationship expectations are. Should I hope for the fairy tale relationship, but set aside money for the divorce lawyer just in case? Should I approach each woman thinking that she could be the one, knowing full well that this conversation probably won't be much different that most of the others I've had? Is there any point in believing the fairy tale - as most people secretly do - when the reality is much different? What are realistic expectations?

Edited May 17, 2016 by Wave Rider

[Gloria25]

Huh?

 

Last time I looked around, Millenials marriages can barely make it to the 5 year mark

[mrldii]

Oh, geez, OP...if you feel this way about the lies sold by Disney and "chick flicks",

 

[]

Edited May 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unnecessary

[preraph]

I agree that at least my generation was misled by fairytales and had unreasonable expectations. A lot of young women rushed to get married and have babies, thinking everything was going to be smooth sailing and happy endings. It is sad. And yes, rom coms and porn are totally unrealistic and give especially men misinformation, while chick flicks pander to, again, fairytale endings. It's a harsh reality when you realize these were some of your main influences and they're totally off-base. But it's one reason that by my mid-20s I was more in to the witty movies of the 30s and 40s with smart women and dry wit and banter. At least it's not totally unattainable.

[Wave Rider]

Oh, geez, OP...if you feel this way about the lies sold by Disney and "chick flicks",

[]

 

I grew up Mormon, so I grew up on Disney movies[]. []I think that most kids spend more time during their formative years with Disney [], so that has a stronger effect on relationship expectations.

 

Huh?

 

Last time I looked around, Millenials marriages can barely make it to the 5 year mark

 

It's true that 20% of marriages last less the five years, but that's not the expectation. The expectation for most people is still that marriage will last a lifetime. I would say that almost none of that 20% expected their marriage to be so short. Otherwise, they would't have gotten married. Or at the very least, they would have shopped for divorce lawyers at the same time they were shopping for a wedding dress if they really did not believe it would last.

Edited May 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted responses to off-topic content

[xxoo]

The divorce rate isn't 50%. That's a myth based on numbers skewed by individuals who divorce repeatedly.

 

Disney and chick flicks? I've been married over 20 years, and I love my life, but it ain't no disney or Rom Com....and I never expected it to be

[Gloria25]

One reason Millenials believe in fairy tales is cuz they lack maturity and patience to seek that SO for life. They jump in head first, shacking up/playing house and think they know what life is all about.

 

http://http://nypost.com/2015/02/09/how-shacking-up-leads-to-divorce/

[katiegrl]

So if the hero's story and the chick flick are unrelated to real relationships, why do we continue to act as if those stories are real?

 

 

We don't. I don't nor do most people I know.

 

Movies are a form of entertainment. An escape from reality.

 

There not intended to be reality.

 

Most people know this WR, not sure why you don't.

 

I stopped believing in Cinderella when I was about 12.

 

If you feel lied to by Disney, then it goes back to what I said in another thread about taking responsibility for your own life and own choices.

 

If you choose to base your life on a fairly tale Disney movie, and it doesn't turn out that way, you have only yourself to blame.

 

Not Disney for heaven's sake....again most people enjoy these movies.... as a form of entertainment.... an escape from the harsh realities life throws at us.

 

Stop living your life based on a freakin fairly tale. And no most emotionally healthy people do not...

 

Welcome to the REAL world. Only the strong survive.

 

Get strong! Stop allowing outside sources (women, men, DISNEY) to control and manipulate you.

 

I am sorry I am so hard on you but dude seriously, come on now.

[Imajerk17]

You expected to be told the truth about love from Disney and rom-coms? And you're disillusioned about that even today? Seriously? Such a strange thing for s grown man to say.

 

It's probably why you struggle w relationships OP. You come across so needy not really masculine. It's a turn-off.

[Wave Rider]

The divorce rate isn't 50%. That's a myth based on numbers skewed by individuals who divorce repeatedly.

 

There is indeed more subtlety in this statistic. The divorce rate is lower for first marriages and higher for second and third marriages. My understanding is that for first marriages, it's about 32%. For Second marriages, it's 60%, and for third marriages, it's 70%. So you could make the case that it's really the same people who are getting married and divorced over and over. The cycle is cohabit, marry, divorce, repeat. Still, people getting married for a second, third, or fourth time still believe that finally, this marriage will last a lifetime. And they're usually wrong. And a 32% divorce rate for first marriages is still far higher than Disney taught me. Divorce doesn't exist at all in the world of Disney and chick flicks.

[Gloria25]

As kids, we didn't see every animated Pixar, Disney, etc movie like kids do now a days.

 

Ummm, my only memory was Bambi mum getting killed. Not much of something pleasant.

 

But really, the animated shows and latest movies like Maleficent, put a spin on those fairly tales for sure.

 

I don't take seriously what comes out of a Millenials' mouth. So, if they think their stupid marriage that started off for all the wrong reasons (ie shacking up) is gonna last them a lifetime, well good for them. Nice to see that some people still can dream.

 

I mean most of them have no clue as how a husband/wife is to treat each other and are more worried about bringing home a paycheck than having an actual marriage/family. Now what Disney movie taught them that? Frozen or Snow White (see, the dwarfs were all about working)?

[xxoo]

There is indeed more subtlety in this statistic. The divorce rate is lower for first marriages and higher for second and third marriages. My understanding is that for first marriages, it's about 32%.

 

Correct. Which means that about 68% of first marriages will not end in divorce. They will last. So it isn't so unreasonable for marrying couples to believe their marriages will last.

 

Plus, believing your marriage will last does not equal believing your marriage will be a fairy tale or rom com.

 

As for Disney and other movies, this is the separation between fantasy and reality. Fantasy and fairy tales are normal and healthy for children. Part of growing up is understanding that fantasy is not reality. How did you miss this step?

[mrldii]

...Divorce doesn't exist at all in the world of Disney...

 

 

Well, neither do fingernails, but most kids knew eveyone had 'em.

 

 

As others have pointed out, most girls - and guys - learn at a pretty young age that unless you're watching a documentary, things on film are purely for entertainment...for the 90-or-so minutes they last.

 

Why would this still be an issue for anyone, say, passed the age of 15 (or so)?

[katiegrl]

There is indeed more subtlety in this statistic. The divorce rate is lower for first marriages and higher for second and third marriages. My understanding is that for first marriages, it's about 32%. For Second marriages, it's 60%, and for third marriages, it's 70%. So you could make the case that it's really the same people who are getting married and divorced over and over. The cycle is cohabit, marry, divorce, repeat. Still, people getting married for a second, third, or fourth time still believe that finally, this marriage will last a lifetime. And they're usually wrong. And a 32% divorce rate for first marriages is still far higher than Disney taught me. Divorce doesn't exist at all in the world of Disney and chick flicks.

 

Dude, Disney isn't supposed to teach you anything. They're fairly tales.

 

Watch a few Martin Scorsese movies. Definitely a few life lessons to be learned from his flicks.... for sure!

[Gloria25]

There is indeed more subtlety in this statistic. The divorce rate is lower for first marriages and higher for second and third marriages. My understanding is that for first marriages, it's about 32%. For Second marriages, it's 60%, and for third marriages, it's 70%. So you could make the case that it's really the same people who are getting married and divorced over and over. The cycle is cohabit, marry, divorce, repeat. Still, people getting married for a second, third, or fourth time still believe that finally, this marriage will last a lifetime. And they're usually wrong. And a 32% divorce rate for first marriages is still far higher than Disney taught me. Divorce doesn't exist at all in the world of Disney and chick flicks.

 

Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce cuz they think that they can pull off a "Brady Bunch" (don't think Disney produced it, but it was a popular show back in the day) and "blend" their families...but you have kids, exes and drama. Look at the threads on LS revolving around exes, step-kids, who can discipline/visit, etc.

[mrldii]

Disney films didn't really teach too much about divorce...

 

 

...but they sure had a LOT of "stepmoms" and "step-sisters".

 

Cinderella? Snow White?

 

 

Turns out, there's actually a couple of good reasons for it, from those on the inside.

 

 

*Disney's movies are about growing up and taking responsibility for your own life; and

 

 

*Walt Disney's own mother was killed by a leaking furnace in a home he bought for his parents, once he became successful; he was riddled with guilt over that fact, for the rest of his life.

 

This Is Why Disney Characters Rarely Have Moms

[bathtub-row]

I'm not a Millennial but my son is. However, like a lot of American children, I grew up on Disney, also. I'm not sure that the stories are to blame. I mean, there was always at least one bad person in the movie, right? Always the evil one, the abusive one, the psychotic one, the rotten plotter. But I never really believed those people existed and, yet, the older I get, the more I realize they absolutely do. So, if seeing evil didn't convince me that evil existed, I'm pretty sure that seeing fairytale love didn't convince me of it, either.

 

My touchstone was my parents and my aunts and uncles -- my family. I saw those real life relationships and that was reality to me. And it may be more of your reality than you realize. But even though I didn't grow up in a dysfunctional home and I didn't grow up in a divorced home, I'm a divorced person. We all like to make correlations to our past, but I often can't make those in my case, so it makes me wonder if the other correlations are necessarily accurate. It's really hard to say.

 

I think those stories are popular because we all want to believe them. When I was really young, my favorite Disney movie was 101 Dalmations. I couldn't fathom anything more fun than having a ton of puppies running around. As I got older, I enjoyed the fairlytale love stories but I have to admit that I didn't take them that seriously. Did I grow up believing that real love existed? Yes. Did I know relationships would be so difficult? Nope. I didn't have a clue.

 

I think where the missing link actually is in what I often refer to as The Big 3 -- relationships, finances, and raising children. The 3 biggest things in our lives are the most ignored in our lives and in school. I think this is the biggest problem with our society, among other things. I also think genetically engineered foods, processed foods, and the over-use of drugs is yet another big problem in our society. But that's an entirely different topic.

 

You ask what you should do. I think you would be wise to approach every new relationship with the greatest of faith....and yet with the utmost caution. Let the person prove to you that they're worthy of you, and you prove that you're worthy of them. If it works, great. But never forget that humans are changeful, they are fickle, they're even monstrous at time. So learn to be loving without being needy. Never forget that you don't own anyone, and you will never be able to control what they do and what they think. And, most important of all, become very happy with yourself, very content and secure so that being alone is not your biggest fear.

[katiegrl]

 

You ask what you should do. I think you would be wise to approach every new relationship with the greatest of faith....and yet with the utmost caution. Let the person prove to you that they're worthy of you, and you prove that you're worthy of them. If it works, great. But never forget that humans are changeful, they are fickle, they're even monstrous at time.

 

So learn to be loving without being needy. Never forget that you don't own anyone, and you will never be able to control what they do and what they think. And, most important of all, become very happy with yourself, very content and secure so that being alone is not your biggest fear.

 

Very well said.

[Wave Rider]

You expected to be told the truth about love from Disney and rom-coms? And you're disillusioned about that even today? Seriously? Such a strange thing for s grown man to say.

Cultural myths are very powerful. I personally think it's pretty ridiculous to believe that Muhammad flew to heaven on a winged horse, but over a billion Muslims disagree, and believe that. Is it really so ridiculous to believe a Disney storyline?

 

It's probably why you struggle w relationships OP. You come across so needy not really masculine. It's a turn-off.

 

Perhaps you can elaborate on what you mean by neediness and "not masculine."

 

Dude, Disney isn't supposed to teach you anything. They're fairly tales.

 

Watch a few Martin Scorsese movies. Definitely a few life lessons to be learned from his flicks.... for sure!

 

I disagree that movies aren't supposed to teach us anything. Movies contain powerful messages about what is and is not appropriate and expected, what we should value, and how we should act. Movies are very much teaching tools.

 

My favorite Scorsese movie is The Aviator, the true story of Howard Hughes. That story needed no embellishment or fairy tales to be epic.

 

As others have pointed out, most girls - and guys - learn at a pretty young age that unless you're watching a documentary, things on film are purely for entertainment...for the 90-or-so minutes they last.

 

Why would this still be an issue for anyone, say, passed the age of 15 (or so)?

 

So you are making the case that I am unable to discern between fantasy and reality. Is that right? I respond with this: to the Christian, the Muslim's religion is fantasy. To the Muslim, the Christian's religion is fantasy. To the atheist, they are both fantasy. So how do we determine fantasy from reality? And is it such a strange part of the human condition to believe in fantasy?

[mrldii]

...So you are making the case that I am unable to discern between fantasy and reality. Is that right? I respond with this: to the Christian, the Muslim's religion is fantasy. To the Muslim, the Christian's religion is fantasy. To the atheist, they are both fantasy. So how do we determine fantasy from reality? And is it such a strange part of the human condition to believe in fantasy?

 

Oh, well, then this is easy.

 

 

You are comparing Disney and "chick flicks" (and their purposes) with religions and their purposes. Since you see Disney, "chick flicks", Christians, and Muslims as serving the same purpose - and having the same significance -

 

 

then you simply need to have more faith in Disney movies and "chick flicks" and then they, too, will be real.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP, in sorting all of this out. If I stick around, I'm apt to blurt out that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy were fictions of childhood, too, and I don't want to be the cause of that resultant unraveling of any of the posters.

 

[basil67]

Cultural myths are very powerful. I personally think it's pretty ridiculous to believe that Muhammad flew to heaven on a winged horse, but over a billion Muslims disagree, and believe that. Is it really so ridiculous to believe a Disney storyline? \

 

Likewise, many Christians believe Christ died and came back to life. And that Moses walked on water. And the great flood.

 

The difference between religion and fairy tales is that children who are raised by religious parents are taught that their religion has meaning and importance and is something to have faith in. I am yet to hear of a parent who taught their children the same thing about Disney

 

As a child growing up, I could tell the difference between life and fiction. Rom coms and Disney were very firmly fiction. I'm not sure why you weren't able to identify fiction.

[katiegrl]

 

I disagree that movies aren't supposed to teach us anything. Movies contain powerful messages about what is and is not appropriate and expected, what we should value, and how we should act. Movies are very much teaching tools.

 

 

Dude I never said movies weren't supposed to teach us anything. Didn't I say to watch a few Scorsese movies?

 

That his flicks are full of powerful life lessons? Read my post again if you did't catch that.

 

What I said was we are not meant to learn life lessons from Disney fairy tales.

 

Those movies are a form of entertainment....

 

And yes I am wondering if you are able to differentiate between fantasy and reality since you DID start this thread after all asking why we all continue to act as if these stories are REAL, and believing you have been lied to by Disney because they are NOT real.

[AMJ]

You know what? I'm with surfer dude. Or Wave Rider. Let's start a class action suit against Disney for tainting our innocent brains with unrealistic expectations about love and happiness. I'm sure someone has tried it at least once already.

 

I agree my life has fallen way short of the Disney Princess standard, and that is a major bummer. I cry myself to sleep every night because my Prince has not yet come. Seriously though, can anyone here admit that they wouldn't be pretty happy living in a castle with singing bluebirds and chipmunks perched on your window?

 

I'm just wondering why you, as an adult, are still clinging to fantasies and fairy tales as role models. Do you not know anyone in real life who has a happy marriage? I know the divorce rate is every day higher, but happily married people do exist. They don't live a fairy tale, but some might tell you that the real thing is just as wonderful in different ways.

[Wave Rider]

You are comparing Disney and "chick flicks" (and their purposes) with religions and their purposes. Since you see Disney, "chick flicks", Christians, and Muslims as serving the same purpose - and having the same significance -

 

then you simply need to have more faith in Disney movies and "chick flicks" and then they, too, will be real.

 

I argue that Disney movies are cultural myths that serve a similar purpose to religious beliefs, and that it isn't any more ridiculous for a person raised on Disney movies to believe the underlying storyline messages than it is for a person raised in a devout Christian home to be a devout Christian. Whether the beliefs themselves are true does't matter, because psychologists don't (at least officially) consider religious beliefs, no matter how kooky, to be delusional if those beliefs prevail in the culture the person lives in.

 

And perhaps what is in order here is a "crisis of faith" about Disney movies, the same way I had a crisis of faith about Mormonism.

 

So learn to be loving without being needy.

 

Darn it, there's that n-word again. I must really have a blind spot here, because I'm just not getting this whole concept of neediness. Maybe you can explain how I'm being needy.

 

As a child growing up, I could tell the difference between life and fiction. Rom coms and Disney were very firmly fiction. I'm not sure why you weren't able to identify fiction.

 

I'm not saying that I believed that the Disney stories were literally true. I'm saying that I believed - and claim that most people do believe - that the underlying messages are true. Messages like "love conquers all" and "true love is out there waiting for you" and "they lived happily ever after." I didn't believe that Ariel really kissed Prince Eric, but I did believe - and argue that many people do believe - that a single kiss can transform a person's world. I didn't believe that the Aladdin story really happened, but I did believe I was a "diamond in the rough." I believe that most people, on some level, identify with these messages. And of course, every bride and groom expect to live happily ever after.

[Haydn]

Mind you, I have been forced to watch Frozen 900000 times.

 

Elsa does it for me.