help me

[jen]

I am so hurt right now I don't know how to handle it.

 

I was divorced two years ago, he made a pass at my

 

best friend since the 8th grade, while I was in the

 

hospital having just given birth to my daughter.

 

I was soon to find out this was a habit for him.

 

I thought he was a wonderful man. He was always showering

 

mje with sweet words "you're so beautiful, so sexy, I love

 

you so much" etc. He didn't want the marriage to

 

end but I couldn't deal with the strangeness of his behavior

 

and the implications it had.

 

I immediately became involved with another man I had known

 

as a friend for years. He was the exact opposite of my

 

husband, very independent, no mushy stuff, straight up,

 

honest (or so I thought) we dated exclusively for two

 

years until just recently when he informed me that it

 

was over because we shouldn't base a relationship on the

 

fact that we are soo sexually compatible. I was floored,

 

He went on to say he just wasn't "motivated" to spend

 

more quality time with me or my children (I have two).

 

This same man had previously told me many things about his

 

pitiful past that made him how he is, and filled my

 

head with talk of how much I mean to him, but he just

 

has a hard time showing it, and it turns out

 

he just didn't love me. I am so angry and hurt I feel

 

like telling him I hate him, he already tried to contact

 

me and I said "FU" and thats all. But I want him to know

 

how betrayed I feel. I trusted him with my heart and

 

at the very least believed we would always be friends,

 

I am a tall, slender 32 year old woman, people often

 

compliment me on my looks, but I feel sick to my stomach,

 

it's like whats inside isn't good. I try to be a good

 

person, Iwas always there for him, gave him lots of space, as I am independent too, I believe now that he met someone else. I just want to lambast him..

 

I know it's better probably to just let it go, and

 

avoid him, but I want him to know how bad he hurt me..

 

though I feel like I'd loose dignity in the process.

 

I'm just so hurt. I have two wonderful children who I

 

love more than anything, I just want to get past this

 

so I can be a good mom, I just don;t see myself ever

 

trusting a man again with my heart.

[Paulie]

I am so hurt right now, and I know how to handle it.

 

I was divorced two years ago, he made a pass at my

 

best friend, whom I had known since the 8th grade, while I was in the hospital having just given birth to my daughter.

 

I was soon to find out that this was habitual behavior for him. I thought he was a wonderful man. He was always showering me with sweet words, like "you're so beautiful, so sexy, I love you so much" etc. He didn't want the marriage to end but I couldn't deal with the strangeness of his behavior, and the implications it had.

 

I immediately became involved with another man I had known

 

as a friend for years. He was the exact opposite of my

 

husband, very independent, no mushy stuff, straight up,

 

honest (or so I thought). We dated exclusively for two

 

years, until just recently he informed me that it

 

was over because we shouldn't base a relationship on the

 

fact that we are soo sexually compatible. I was floored,

 

He went on to say he just wasn't "motivated" to spend

 

more quality time with me or my children (I have two).

 

This same man had previously told me many things about his

 

pitiful past that made him how he is, and filled my

 

head with talk of how much I mean to him, but he just

 

has a hard time showing it, and it turns out

 

he just didn't love me. I am so angry and hurt I feel

 

like telling him I hate him, he already tried to contact

 

me and I said "FU" and that's all. I want him to know

 

how betrayed I feel. I trusted him with my heart and at the very least believed we would always be friends,

 

I am a tall, slender 32 year old woman, people often

 

compliment me on my looks, but I feel sick to my stomach,

 

it's like what's inside isn't good. I try to be a good

 

person, I was always there for him, gave him lots of space, as I am independent too. I believe now that he met someone else. I just want to lambaste him..

 

I know it's better probably to just let it go, and

 

avoid him, but I want him to know how bad he hurt me..

 

though I feel like I'd loose dignity in the process.

 

I'm just so hurt. I have two wonderful children who I

 

love more than anything, I just want to get past this

 

so I can be a good mom, I just don;t see myself ever

 

trusting a man again with my heart.

[Paulie]

It sounds to me that this is your decision that you're "not good enough on the inside." Are you lacking self-esteem?

 

The bottom line is that this man hurt you. You've been hurt like many of us have. Why would you want to involve yourself in any capacity whatsoever with somebody who has hurt you, and what would that accomplish by you telling him how much he has hurt you?

 

We grieve to let go, not to hold on.

 

(Re-read that last line)

 

And yes, count your blessings, stop and smell the roses. You have two wonderful children that I'm sure mean more to you than this guy. They need your 110% attention.

 

Paulie

[Tony T]

I hear you...and it is difficult. Love is a big gamble, there's just no getting around it.

 

If you really pay attention and go about it slowly, I think love can work and work well. But you have to be conscious in your relationships and you have to see and listen to what's going on.

 

Love is certainly worth the work and there is always the risk of pain. But that risk can be minimized.

 

I think your mistake in this particular case was that you became immediately involved with this man and did not give yourself a chance to heal from the betrayal of your husband. When relationships end, you must take some time away for yourself and do special things for yourself. This healing time is what helps us learn and become stronger. That was what was missing here.

 

Don't make the mistake again.

[jen]

Thank you both..your kind words are an inspiration and

 

I will give myself time to heal.

I hear you...and it is difficult. Love is a big gamble, there's just no getting around it.

 

If you really pay attention and go about it slowly, I think love can work and work well. But you have to be conscious in your relationships and you have to see and listen to what's going on. Love is certainly worth the work and there is always the risk of pain. But that risk can be minimized. I think your mistake in this particular case was that you became immediately involved with this man and did not give yourself a chance to heal from the betrayal of your husband. When relationships end, you must take some time away for yourself and do special things for yourself. This healing time is what helps us learn and become stronger. That was what was missing here. Don't make the mistake again.