Why is it family has to be so cruel? Am I missin something?

[trubeliever]

I was born and raised in a German family. Their belief is that boys are superior over the girls. So I was told growing up that my brother always got more because I was only half as good as him. I am now in my early 50s and have been in business for myself for over 20 years making an annual income 7 times the amount my brother makes who works for my parents. To this day I am treated like I don't exist. My grandmother who just passed away left an inheritance to everyone including my brothers 3 children, but didn't include me. My brother got married right out of high school, but I never married or had children because I can't seem to pick the right man. I did get a dui in my 20s but other than that I havent been in trouble. I don't understand how a family can be so hurtful. I didn't ask to be born. I don't know how to handle this hurt I feel inside. Any suggestions?

[bathtub-row]

The messages you have been sent since childhood are very cruel indeed. Look at China who kills baby girls. Any country or race or group of people that chooses to blatantly favor one gender over another is nothing short of small-minded. It's just another form of racism.

 

I would love to tell you that you have a family of jerks and none of them matter but I know that doesn't take away your pain. If there are people in your family that you do get along with, then I would focus on spending time with them. If not, then focus on your friends. I'm sorry your family has sent you those horrible messages. Obviously you are far superior to all of them. Hey, make sure you have a will and leave all your money to a group or friend or charity. I'd hate to see your family get one cent of your money.

[Emilia]

I was born and raised in a German family. Their belief is that boys are superior over the girls. So I was told growing up that my brother always got more because I was only half as good as him. I am now in my early 50s and have been in business for myself for over 20 years making an annual income 7 times the amount my brother makes who works for my parents. To this day I am treated like I don't exist. My grandmother who just passed away left an inheritance to everyone including my brothers 3 children, but didn't include me. My brother got married right out of high school, but I never married or had children because I can't seem to pick the right man. I did get a dui in my 20s but other than that I havent been in trouble. I don't understand how a family can be so hurtful. I didn't ask to be born. I don't know how to handle this hurt I feel inside. Any suggestions?

It is a great shame that you haven't found us sooner and posted here, your experience isn't uncommon. It is also the reason for your relationship struggles.

 

Please take a look at scapegoating in families

 

an example is here but there are tons Scapegoating -- An Insidious Family Pattern of Blame and Shame on One Family Member - article by Dr. Lynne Namka

[mercy222]

I'm so sorry that your family has made you feel less than the wonderful person that you are. God made us capable and very special, we are perfect in His eyes! Unfortunately, we can't deny the important impact that our upbringing make in all our lives. I think that all of that made you the hard worker, successful entrepreneur that you are, and for that you should be thankful. These life experiences make you strong and aware of things that not everyone has the ability to see in others.

 

You can walk with your head held high knowing that you're exactly who God made you to be and that you can be perfectly happy in His family. I would look for church family, they're the ones I can count more than with my biological one, after all, we don't choose our family, but we can love them, learn get along and forgive. You might want to look at focus on the family website. Their resources have help me navigate thru life as I was very ill prepare and had my BIG share of family dysfunction. I'll pray for healing and reconciliation.

[trubeliever]

Richle, I have a difficult time talking to my dad. He is the one I seek the most approval from, and the one that has hurt me the most. I remember one time my dad telling me that he loves me. My mom is the only one that I can talk to and I am confident in saying that if it weren't for her I probably wouldn't be here today to write this. She is the family mediator, however her outlook on life is if she had to pick between her children or her husband, her husband would be picked. When I try to talk to her she tells me that I need to go to counseling and that I shouldn't always blame my life on them. Then she reminds me how my dad got treated when he was young by my grandmother, which wasn't all that good.

 

 

My brother works as a farmer with my dad, and spends a lot more time with my parents than I get a chance too. My brother's wife doesn't like me because I am brutally honest and because she wears the pants in their relationship my brother and his family treat me as though I do not exist.

 

 

What is so hard for me to understand is my parents raised me and my brother to work hard for what you want in life. You want something you earn it. Nothing comes easy and if you are fortunate enough to borrow money from someone, you always pay them back. Do right by the people who do right by you. 20 yrs ago I borrowed 30k to start my business and at that time my dad was reluctant in doing so because he was absolutely certain he would never get paid back. Within a few years I paid back every dime and never borrowed money again. Here it is 20 years later and I am still in business and earn an above average living for myself. My brother borrowed 170k to buy an existing franchise for his wife and within 2 years she closed it and lost all of the money and have made no attempt at paying a dime back. I pay all of my own living expenses, my brothers entire family is supported by my parents. I grew up to be exactly as they wanted us to be, my brother didn't yet I am the black sheep of the family. My brother is treated as though he is a golden child.

 

 

I did do some research on the scapegoat theory as I have never looked at that perspective before. I think that there definitely signs of this being true. I want to thank everyone who responded to my thread. It is helping me by talking about it.

[whichwayisup]

I was born and raised in a German family. Their belief is that boys are superior over the girls. So I was told growing up that my brother always got more because I was only half as good as him. I am now in my early 50s and have been in business for myself for over 20 years making an annual income 7 times the amount my brother makes who works for my parents. To this day I am treated like I don't exist. My grandmother who just passed away left an inheritance to everyone including my brothers 3 children, but didn't include me. My brother got married right out of high school, but I never married or had children because I can't seem to pick the right man. I did get a dui in my 20s but other than that I havent been in trouble. I don't understand how a family can be so hurtful. I didn't ask to be born. I don't know how to handle this hurt I feel inside. Any suggestions?

 

You aren't accountable to them. Sure it would be great to have their approval and love/support but the culture isn't that way where you live unfortunately.

 

I feel for you. You've accomplished a lot and should be proud of yourself! It sucks that they aren't giving you the credit you deserve, and it's okay to feel angry and hurt but don't let it consume you or make you wish you were never born.

[Emilia]

Hello again OP.

 

I'm glad the link has helped. What I have learned - having dealt with similar issues - is that you must stop seeking approval from the wrong places. When we grow up in families like this, we get conditioned to seek approval from those that will never give it. You can see how that's a bad thing and why that needs to stop.

 

Easier said than done and it will take a while but it would help greatly if you could talk though this with a therapist who could advise you the steps to take when it comes to evaluating your relationships with people. What you are going through is very common unfortunately but that also means that there are a lot of people you can talk to about this.

[Emilia]

What is so hard for me to understand is my parents raised me and my brother to work hard for what you want in life. You want something you earn it. Nothing comes easy and if you are fortunate enough to borrow money from someone, you always pay them back. Do right by the people who do right by you. 20 yrs ago I borrowed 30k to start my business and at that time my dad was reluctant in doing so because he was absolutely certain he would never get paid back. Within a few years I paid back every dime and never borrowed money again. Here it is 20 years later and I am still in business and earn an above average living for myself. My brother borrowed 170k to buy an existing franchise for his wife and within 2 years she closed it and lost all of the money and have made no attempt at paying a dime back. I pay all of my own living expenses, my brothers entire family is supported by my parents. I grew up to be exactly as they wanted us to be, my brother didn't yet I am the black sheep of the family. My brother is treated as though he is a golden child.

That's because they have a certain narrative and they don't see the whole story the way it actually exist.

 

When I was concerned about my sister's financial situation and tried to talk to my mother about it, she refused to listen and said some very nasty things to me (that's when I cut contact with her) and that's because in her mind my sister is on this successful trajectory that is pretty much 180 degrees in the opposite direction of truth.

 

I was trying to come up with the way of helping my sister through the initial hurdle of home ownership as her and her boyfriend weren't managing and everyone in the UK (and probably Germany!) knows how hard it is.

 

What I got back was abuse for merely suggesting that there might be a problem.

 

That's because the narrative in my family is that my sister is the smart, educated, successful one and I went to technical college equivalent and barely got A levels. Whenever the discussion came up in the past with my mother about my job when I started doing well, she always went 'what is it that you do again'?

 

I now know that the reason why the whole family fell apart is because my sister came out here and basically has struggled since while I have been thriving. This was going to destroy the narrative that has always existed so they tried to give me crap over how I was materialistic, only cared about money, etc, etc to denigrate me further.

 

Can you see OP how it never stops?

[elaine567]

Traditional farming - the eldest son or the son who is going to take over the farm is the only important person. Splitting the farm up amongst siblings does not make sense financially so all the attention and money is piled on him and his children, as they are the natural successors. They are the future. Your grandmother merely left her money to the people who matter to the farm.

Your brother gets the money, all other siblings are secondary. It is not personal it is just the way it is. Had you had brothers and the farm was a big successful one, then they may each have been set up in a farm too.

Your job as daughter, was to stick around and support your father and brother, ie work on the farm in a menial capacity (lambs, chickens, accounts, housework) or you go off and leave them all to it. You could have married another farmer and that may have been beneficial to all too, so you would have been looked upon more favourably had you done that. Your children would inherit your husband's farm, so all well and good.

 

As you became very successful elsewhere on your own, it probably doesn't really go down well, you are rubbing their noses in it.

The farm is all, and you are NOT supposed to be more successful.

YOU think they should be proud of you and your achievements, they most likely resent you for them.

[Cherryz]

Its sad to hear.

But i would say you should be very proud of yourself.

Because its not easy to achieve so much if you have no support of your family and

also being told all of those bad things.

It sure can destroy your self esteem. But you used it as your strength and made something good out of it by being successful.

 

I think the way of thinking of your family may come from their parents teaching them that and maybe also from many generations before them.

So people pass over what they know.

And if you never educate yourself and do some work to build your self and parenting skills, you will stay stuck up and pass your parents education on your kids and often

just copy paste not knowing why it should be that way.

 

I think your bad success with man have to do with your bad relationship with your dad. Maybe also thats why you ddnt have kids also?

Because of that you not able to connect with the same sex of the parent that you have a big issue with. Because the first male figure you met and trusted(dad) hurted you.

 

You can go to therapist which is good.

But i think at some point part of it is also to have a heart to heart with your dad.

 

First : Forgive your family! Forgiveness is the key to happiness!

 

Tell your dad about how this effected you and how hurt you are by it.

And even if he react bad about it, you know that he knows it and you got it out of your chest and can be able to accept the situation for what it is.

 

That can give you some relieve and peace because you been carry this emotions for long time. Seek for a moment where your dad is alone, or get on the field with him at his farm and while you helping him, start the conversation with him about how much you love him, .... ... ..., and then tell him how this all effected you and how you been carry this for all this years. and so on.

Or if thats really hard for you use the phone or write a letter.

Let only your heart speak, and speak from a place of love. But be honest.

 

And you say you talk harsh sometimes. Maybe its time also to work on that.

Its not about hurting the person back or kill them with the truth. Its about letting them know that what they did to you effected you deeper.And still effects you today.

By doing it assertively you give them space to react to you and to not shutdown or get into a fight. And people will be more open to listen to you.

 

Find yourself some books about communication, or google key words about your situation and book and read some life story's of others.

 

At the end, there is no perfect parents. And no perfect family. And sometimes they just dont know better . They think its the best thing they are doing because their parent teached them so, but they dont know how the kids are effected by it.

Sometimes its unsolved issues that they have, maybe since their childhood, but they had never solve it and work on it, or never question it, or they did but give up because of the harder consequences that their was back then.

So they pass it to their kids, sometimes somethings unintentionally.

 

You maybe be the female rebel positively, and successful, breaking this cycle that have been going on for ages ,maybe of talking down to female in your family, can be finally broken by you also make your parents aware of what effect it had on you.

And by finding closure at some point. Accepting that you can change no one. And you can only work on you. And also embrace and hold to the things that they did do right!

 

Good luck.

[MissCongeniality]

My siblings and I treat each other like crap sometimes but we always are there we always look out for each other. The point I am making is family is supposed to piss you off and break your heart that's why it's a family. One of my sisters is very successful and constantly looks down on me for my choices and she's right to because I have not made good choices in my life. However we all do care about each other.

[Emilia]

My siblings and I treat each other like crap sometimes but we always are there we always look out for each other. The point I am making is family is supposed to piss you off and break your heart that's why it's a family. One of my sisters is very successful and constantly looks down on me for my choices and she's right to because I have not made good choices in my life. However we all do care about each other.

This is why it's bad OP, some people start to believe it.

[trubeliever]

Unfortunately my relationship with my brother isn't what you would consider on again off again so to speak. Because I made a mistake when I was 26 years old and got arrested for a dui, he thinks that the family should have nothing to do with me ever again. I just recently found this out when my niece got married and I wasn't invited. He believes that all of my pictures should be thrown away and treat me like I'm no longer alive. So there is no forgiving me or chance to ever have a relationship with him again.

[trubeliever]

I also want to tell everyone thank you for listening and giving me your feedback. It's appreciated more than I can say.

[Tayla]

To be in your 50's and carrying an inaccurate message around....Lift this burden. It serves no purpose in your life any more.

 

My Biological Dad was very much of the mindset that "Boys" were worthy and girls were secondary. That was HIS misconception to deal with.

 

As adults we get to re-evaluate inaccurate messages conveyed in childhood. Own what is truly yours and discard that which holds no validity.

 

You'll be amazed at how much we internalized in childhood and Now as Adult we no longer see the purpose in those misconceptions.

 

I wish you well in this journey of casting off and regrouping ....Peace to you.

[blackcat777]

Emilia, thanks for the read.

 

The only healthy choice is to refuse an abusive situation.

 

My dad divorced my mom when I was three, and I went NC with my mom's side of the family when I was 16 (after she kicked me out of the car and drove away one day).

 

My dad is constantly pressing for me to make contact, and I wish he could understand that me steering 100% clear of these people is the only healthy way for me to live and move forward... after everything I endured in childhood. He doesn't and it frustrates me sometimes, because my dad is my only family. (Nevermind that he's been NC with my mom...) He has this quiet disappointment like I'm a bad person for not returning to a situation that is the equivalent of throwing myself in a shark tank.

 

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do! Don't let anyone make you feel bad about taking care of yourself. It's really not harsh when others are fundamentally broken and treat you badly ad infinitum... It's sad, but if you've done everything you can do, make your peace and take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to say no... to bad treatment, or sometimes to other people who can't control themselves.

[elaine567]

Unfortunately my relationship with my brother isn't what you would consider on again off again so to speak. Because I made a mistake when I was 26 years old and got arrested for a dui, he thinks that the family should have nothing to do with me ever again. I just recently found this out when my niece got married and I wasn't invited. He believes that all of my pictures should be thrown away and treat me like I'm no longer alive. So there is no forgiving me or chance to ever have a relationship with him again.

 

He is doing this so that you are never accepted by the family.

He is protecting his status as the heir, the successor, the best man for the job.

He realises that you are a quality person, probably better than him, so he has to bring you down under the pretext that you are an awful person, an alcoholic, a person who has brought shame to the family. Ostracising you, gets rid of the threat you pose.

 

He doesn't want you pecking at the ear of your father and mother or the rest of the family, he doesn't want you undermining his authority.

He wants you gone for good.

[Emilia]

Unfortunately my relationship with my brother isn't what you would consider on again off again so to speak. Because I made a mistake when I was 26 years old and got arrested for a dui, he thinks that the family should have nothing to do with me ever again. I just recently found this out when my niece got married and I wasn't invited. He believes that all of my pictures should be thrown away and treat me like I'm no longer alive. So there is no forgiving me or chance to ever have a relationship with him again.

 

Emilia, thanks for the read.

 

The only healthy choice is to refuse an abusive situation.

 

My dad divorced my mom when I was three, and I went NC with my mom's side of the family when I was 16 (after she kicked me out of the car and drove away one day).

 

My dad is constantly pressing for me to make contact, and I wish he could understand that me steering 100% clear of these people is the only healthy way for me to live and move forward... after everything I endured in childhood. He doesn't and it frustrates me sometimes, because my dad is my only family. (Nevermind that he's been NC with my mom...) He has this quiet disappointment like I'm a bad person for not returning to a situation that is the equivalent of throwing myself in a shark tank.

 

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do! Don't let anyone make you feel bad about taking care of yourself. It's really not harsh when others are fundamentally broken and treat you badly ad infinitum... It's sad, but if you've done everything you can do, make your peace and take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to say no... to bad treatment, or sometimes to other people who can't control themselves.

 

There is always a common theme in these families (mine included), it's never about you as such, it's about a narrative to keep up pretences and hide the shame or dysfunction at any cost by picking a family member or members who will be ostracised.

 

There is usually (or maybe always) something really bad such as alcoholism or mental illness (or both, like in my family) that they try to hide so all outward symptom of that gets blamed on one person.

 

This isn't about you, this is about the narrative, the dynamic.

 

This is why the family aren't accepting you or the fact that you want nothing to do with some because they would then have to face the facts of what created this situation in the first place. Unfortunately other family members will be enablers - like your father blackcat or like my sister. People who stand by and watch the abuse or don't support you when you cut contact.

 

Trust yourselves, protecting yourself is the most important thing!

[BettyDraper]

To be in your 50's and carrying an inaccurate message around....Lift this burden. It serves no purpose in your life any more.

 

My Biological Dad was very much of the mindset that "Boys" were worthy and girls were secondary. That was HIS misconception to deal with.

 

As adults we get to re-evaluate inaccurate messages conveyed in childhood. Own what is truly yours and discard that which holds no validity.

 

You'll be amazed at how much we internalized in childhood and Now as Adult we no longer see the purpose in those misconceptions.

 

I wish you well in this journey of casting off and regrouping ....Peace to you.

 

My parents both believed that girls were to be given less freedom and far more household responsibility. My mother believed that sons were to be coddled and favored while girls should be treated poorly.

 

I agree that adults have the freedom to discard what hold no validity. We also have the choice to distance ourselves from toxic people and sometimes that includes family.