My husband is killing me.

[Xayide]

We have been married for nearly three years and have an almost one and a half year old child. We each have the same job, working from home and taking care of our son.

 

My husband does things like making me breakfast and dinner, asking if I need anything and sometimes takes out the garbage and cleans the kitchen. I spend a lot of time cleaning most days and usually do most of the tending to our child. I also do more work than he does most days.

 

Most days, weekdays and weekends, I'm working on one or all of these things from the time I get up 'til maybe about two hours before bed. I am burnt out in many respects. No matter how much time I spend working and cleaning, I can never keep up with it. I don't even want him to do a lot of it, such as washing and putting away the laundry and dishes. I'm perfectly fine doing most jobs by myself, as it kind of drives me nuts when someone half-asses it and I come along and see that there is unexpectedly more work to do. Just ****ing leave it to me.

 

I sure wouldn't mind if he picked up after himself, though. He leaves huge amounts of wasted food sitting out in pots and pans, dishes and cutting boards. He never puts these things away or cleans it up. He leaves all sorts of garbage and dirty laundry everywhere. I've asked him so many times to take more care with these things that I've finally stopped asking altogether as of quite a while ago. As if dealing with a toddler wasn't enough... and now that his father has come to live with us, it's even worse.

 

This isn't even really my problem, though...

 

I've had several relationships over the course of my life. He has not. I wish I'd known then what I know now and that I could've somehow skipped over all of that. I don't really wish my husband had had more experience in his time, rather, that I were more like him in that way. I can see, though, how that lends a lot toward him being paranoid and insecure.

 

I do ****ing everything I can to be the perfect wife. He is the perfect husband sometimes, as I mentioned above, and he can be very sweet to me. On the whole, though, it's like living with my father. My husband is a few years younger than me, but he lords over me like some kind of ****ing authoritarian. Everything has to be his way or there is no forgiveness. He's extremely controlling and exacting.

 

Every day, I cannot do enough to keep up with all of the work, taking care of the kid and my husband. I've been so dissatisfied for such a long time, to the point of being depressed about the state of the household. I never feel I'm doing enough for my son. It takes me all damned day most days to do all of the work I need to get done for our job.

 

I admit that, in the past couple of years, it's been harder for me to give him as much of what he wants, but I can't tell if that's the chicken or the egg. He started putting pressure on me a couple of years back, when we found out I was pregnant. He began then to obsess over the fact that women lose their drive when they go through pregnancy and childbirth. This started to stress me out early on and I feel it's contributed to the situation, especially since it's never let up, but increased exponentially.

 

I had a cesarean and, obviously, I wasn't up to much for the first little while, but, from the day it happened, I was up and walking around as much as I could be. I was hauling myself out of bed and picking up after myself and doing things for myself as much as I could. The nurses in the hospital told us no one ever does that after a cesarean. The absolute hardest part was crouching down.

 

That continued to be the case for the next little while. At home, it was very hard to get around and I was in a lot of pain, but I still dragged myself out of bed, did some cleaning and just generally tried to be responsible. That doesn't mean it wasn't incredibly difficult. Sometimes just getting up and down was excruciating. I couldn't laugh or cough or sneeze even a little without ending up in tears, but I still continued to push myself.

 

After a couple of weeks, he started getting on my ass about the fact that I wasn't doing more. He never had any concept of how hard it was for me to get around or how much pain I was in, not to mention the fact that most people don't just get up and try to go back to normal life from the day they get cut open and this is pretty much the rule with him. It's always easy for him to dictate and have the luxury of not understanding everything he, himself, does not have to deal with.

 

He even told me at the last minute he wouldn't be in the delivery room because he didn't think he could handle being in the same room, let alone the chance he might see it being done. So how the ****, then, with that mindset, does he now think I'm fine enough to do all he thinks I should be doing a couple of weeks after surgery?!

 

Since that time, I have worked increasingly harder and done increasingly more to get back to normal, which is now to the point of me doing almost everything, most of which I don't have a problem with, other than what I said before. Like I said, though, there is just way too much work, housework and taking care of the baby for me to do all of it, much less make room for more.

 

I barely get a god damned minute for myself anymore. Now here's the main problem: my husband, as is often the case, is dissatisfied with how much physical attention he gets, as well as the quality of it. I used to do a lot more, granted. Of course, I wasn't slammed morning to night with every other aspect of daily life back then, nor had I gone through as much physically as I have since.

 

My back and neck go out pretty much every week now. I am pretty sure I am the one that has it the hardest in this household. I am usually too tired for much else, but it's fairly regular. It can vary anywhere from one to a few times per week, on average. Moreover, he has very immature and unrealistic expectations. He basically wants me to act like I'm on a filmset when we do it, but the pressure he puts on me that started back when I used to do that pretty often adds to my exhaustion and depression and nothing I say can make him realize he's making it worse for himself.

 

Aside from that, again, he is very exacting. Without warning, he will be angry and sulking and by then it's too late. Either that, or he'll just start tearing into me and there's no escape, literally. It doesn't matter how unfair or unreasonable it is. He pours criticisms, meanness and negativity into me for however long he feels he needs to do it. I can barely get a word in.

 

It's not enough to get me to the point where I'm bawling my eyes out and can't take being punished and condemned anymore, which is too commonplace a thing around here, but then it goes so far that I'm about to snap, hurt myself or hurt him if he doesn't lay the **** off and he still doesn't. Most of the time, I try to get out and he won't let me leave.

 

I feel like a beaten animal even though he never lays a hand on me. He mentally takes me apart almost every day and every day I want to kill myself. I keep thinking that I need to be there to make sure our baby is going to be okay, but it's gotten so deep under my skin and it never stops so that I often think he's going to push me so far I won't think of that in time to keep from doing it.

 

Almost every day, he gets a bug up his ass that makes him, for some reason, have to carve a piece out of me and I never get away unscathed. I'm not imagining this aspect of it, either. He has come out and told me, sometimes rather meanly, that he gets urges to say and do things to hurt me because he is so angry at me all of the time that he's so vindictive toward me.

 

I have never cheated on him or been unfaithful in any way. Actually, he did some messing around when we first got together. I have tried in every way I could to be sweeter to him than anyone ever has and, while he admits this, he still cannot give me a ****ing break. He is so damned immature and mean that sometimes all he can do is start up a great big ol' dig session at me that goes on sometimes for hours. I feel like I live in ****ing hell. I hate my life and there is no one who cares or would help me.

 

He has told me numerous times and in numerous ways how apprehensive he is of me doing anything to hurt him. He has admitted that his insecurity makes him so paranoid that he punishes me regardless of the fact I have done nothing. It can be anything I say or anything I do or ****ing nothing at all and BOOM! I am back in my father's house again as I child, hating and fearing him. He doesn't have to lay a hand on me and I feel like I've had the life beaten out of me.

 

When we are physically intimate, I am inhibited (which is the source of just about everything and only getting worse) and don't make enough noise. I am always afraid of being heard and it's even worse now that his father lives with us, in the next room. It doesn't help that he's one of the creepiest, sleaziest, meanest people I've ever met. He's even meaner than his son, who clearly gets it from him and has been acting even worse since his father arrived. For an idea of the type of person his father is, do you know the father of Danny Glover's character in The Color Purple? He's a peach.

 

I am so sick of hearing about how only crazy, stupid people care about animals and are vegans and how in his day, a woman knew her place. I try to be good and responsible, day in and day out, and, by the way, being responsible doesn't come that easily to me, yet I'm the most responsible, hard-working person in the house and all I get is crapped on by everyone.

 

So my husband and I have had a few arguments lately over the intimacy issues we're having, a couple of which have resulted in the type of situation I outlined above. I tried very hard to work with him, but he won't stop bringing up other things he wants me to do that I don't want to do. He is tired of our level of intimacy, but his ideas of how to remedy that have frequently been and are becoming more and more in the realm of something I don't want to do. It's too personal for me to feel comfortable sharing all of the details, but, for one thing, I am really not interested in or comfortable with the idea of being involved with another female, to any degree.

 

As we were having the latest conversation about it tonight, he kept talking in a full-throated voice and I asked him to be a bit quieter. He said, "okay, sorry" and kept talking and went almost immediately back to a regular talking voice. It makes me hugely uncomfortable--I almost feel cornered--to have him talking to me so loudly about things like this at night when everything else is quiet, especially with that man in the house. So, after a few minutes, I asked him again and he again said, "okay, sorry" and went about it the same way. After a few more minutes, I asked him again and he got mad, flew off of the handle, abruptly ended the conversation and walked out. This is so ****ing unfair.

 

I came to bed saying I was sore, feeling sick and going to sleep early. He really doesn't care a **** if I want to go to sleep early, even though he said he also did. It doesn't matter a **** that I woke him up last night and gave him an unexpected thrill which he was raving about today. I still end up in the same situation again that night. He admits that I have been getting better in terms of what he wants.

 

What it really is is that I have been simply pushing myself to get more work done in a day, do more housework than ever and still somehow give him everything I possibly can. I am doing more and getting more burnt out and sore and sick than ever. I have less time in a day for myself than ever and he is getting more and more as I manage to stack more upon myself and, even acknowledging that, he still can't resist criticizing, critiquing and telling me what he wants to see more of from me. I hate my ****ing life.

 

When we talk about the problems I have expressing myself, being vocal or acting more enthusiastic about it, I try to work with him, but, even if I say outright that I am having problems, the conversation is only ever about him wanting more and more. It's so rarely ever about how he can help me feel better able or just better. When it is about that, it is him deciding what I need and not listening to me. He pretty much never listens to me or hears anything I say. I feel so incredibly impotent, no pun intended. It's not even funny... and it always feels like I'm the one person who really doesn't matter here.

 

What's more, I know that the reason he often gets mad and then acts cold to me is because, somewhere, during the course of a conversation, I've told him I really do not want something he wants (such as above) and he is just mad at the thought of never having it and he can't see me as anything but an extension of himself and doesn't understand me being who I am as an individual, so, therefore, bitch must die.

 

I don't even know what I'm here for and I'm sorry to be long-winded. I have no one to talk to and no way of getting counseling for either one of us, let alone both of us, at this time (I've looked) and I really don't know what to do. I wish for death every day, but, consciously, I know there are reasons why I can't. It feels like a deathtrap. The statistics tend to tell us that married women die younger than unmarried women and that the opposite is true for men. I feel like I see this unfolding in my life day by day.

 

I don't know what I'm hoping for exactly here, but maybe someone can give me advice or something that might make me feel better or have a better handle on things. I've been at the end of my rope for a while now. I can't get a word in edgewise with him most of the time when we're arguing. When I try to tell him what this is doing to me, if I say this is making me want death, if he listens at all, he just says things like "me, too". He doesn't ever care or take me seriously when I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. He opts instead to compete, to let me know he's in just as bad shape, so I should not expect anything more than this from him, with a healthy dose of guilt implied, as well, for good measure.

 

Again, I'm sorry for the very long post, but, short of getting divorced, does anyone out there have any insight? Thanks.

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[soy]

Hi,

 

I know the feeling. Being sooo tired and not receiving the help we deserve as moms or the gratitude for that matter.

 

It sounds like your husband can be kind at times. It sounds like both of you are not understanding each other's needs and neither is being met, which then causes I unsatisfation. After getting married and starting a family, needs and wants change drastically. Perhaps you both need to write down each other's "new" needs and focus on them. Yours can be every Monday I'm going to get. Message, or every other Friday I'm going out with the girls for dinner. Same for him. Now perhaps finding a family member or a sitter to watch your son so the two of you can find alone time again. Even if it's for an hour and going for a walk. It's not only important to find me time but together time is just as important. Communication is important. Listening to understand not listening to respond.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Is there any family you could stay with for a while? I don't you are going to be able to think clearly or make any decisions while you are under so much stress.

 

Regardless of what you decide to do, you need the love and support of family right now.

[bathtub-row]

Put the kid in day care, if only for a few hours a day, or just a few days a week. Then lay the law down with your husband about how things are going to be from here on out.

 

One of the (many) problems I see here is that you have done things to make him think that you're a workhorse. After you had your baby, you should've taken better care of yourself. It's like you're afraid to let anyone help you or take care of you. But by doing this, you're only teaching others to use and disrespect you. I'm pretty sure that your husband is just a big baby and a drama king and he either needs to get his act together or get the heck out.

 

I was married to a guy who used to be a slob in the house. I totally hated it. He was also verbally abusive. Guess what he did when I kicked him out? His place was spotless and he laughed at the idea that he would treat his new place like he did when he was with me. That spoke volumes.

[Poppyolive]

Get a nanny/drop in daycare, even if it's a few hours per week. Get a few hours cleaning help per week. I'm single, and I have someone come twice monthly to do a few cleaning jobs. The ones I hate!! Window cleaning, mirror wiling etc. Start taking care of you. It's sounds as though you're a burnt out, every single little thing will and will continue to pester you. Next it will be how fast/slow he walks, talks etc ....go to the pool, some hydro therapy, meditation, yoga, something for you, that's not kid, hubby, work or cleaning related. Get extra Tupperware for himself to put his leftover food in, leave reminder post its for the jobs he needs to clean up his act on. Get some counselling to help breakdown some resentment that you have towards him. Recommit to yourself, to take better care of you, all the other things will fall into place. Dominoes effect etc. Strengthen your boundaries. Go kick it!!

[basil67]

Marriage counselling. The two of you have gotten into quite a deep hole and will probably need the help of a professional to help you unravel it.

 

If he refuses marriage counselling, then the only option is to walk away from him. You can't fix this alone.

[Xayide]

Thank you for reading my ridiculously long post and for the replies.

 

Family isn't an option. There is no one else I could stay with. I also can't afford counseling, daycare or cleaning help because my husband and I only make $1500 between us after all is said and done. We manage an apartment building and they don't have to pay us a regular wage. Between the two of us, we get less than one person's pay at a regular job. We are trying to gather experience and save up so we can move and get a better paying job of this type.

 

We don't have any savings at all, though. We were just starting to get ahead financially when his father came to us with nothing and now we are pretty badly behind. That would be a lot easier to deal with if he didn't crap on the both of us constantly and if my husband weren't acting more like him than ever now that he's here.

 

Last night things went from bad to worse. I went to bed after I posted here. My husband asked what I had been doing and I said I was posting on a message board. He got up to go down the hall and sleep on the couch, telling me he was never going to sleep next to me again. I cried myself to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night with him next to me, being blasted by the heater.

 

I don't remember if I mentioned this in my original post, but when I initially tried to go to bed, before the first big fight ensued, I was feeling sick, pukey and had a headache and told him so. It is fairly warm at night, though, and, every time he keeps the heater on at night, I wake up drenched in sweat and can't sleep. I was feeling physically wretched and I literally couldn't take the heat, so this time I got up to sleep on the couch. At least it wasn't for the sake of punishing anyone or making them feel like ****.

 

He came down the hall a little bit later, after I'd fallen asleep and woke me up with his booming voice, demanding to know why I was sleeping there, so I told him. He proceeded to tear into me for that and for the situation the night before which, if you recall, started because I asked him to lower his voice. I kept saying, "PLEASE let me sleep". He just says, "no" and continues yelling at me. I kept asking him not to talk so loudly as though I wasn't sleeping and said that he kept me up most of the night, as it was. He doesn't care.

 

He just keeps gravitating back to the fact that I ruined everything by asking him to keep his voice down. He's the one that abruptly got up, got mad, declared the conversation over and walked out. I keep going back to the fact that I can't believe that, rather than care about my comfort level, if he wants to have a conversation, the fact that I asked him to lower his voice a little bit caused all of this.

 

I kept telling him that every single thing he's doing and saying is a game and he admitted it willingly, but somehow keeps pushing. So he continued standing over me, yelling at me in the wee hours of the morning. I ended up laying there with my fingers in my ears, saying, "PLEASE leave me alone!" I finally said something about him killing me and he said in response that he wanted to, so I said, "stick the knife in my back for real, then".

 

Then he went on to shout me down for talking to people on the internet about our problems. I don't generally listen for the sake of responding, but I can't speak to him, either. I absolutely try and I listen to him and, believe me, he did almost all of the talking last night and early this morning without letting up. He wasn't reasonable, fair or kind, so wanting to say something in my defense is not unreasonable, and I barely was able to say anything, at that. First, I'm his wife and second, he has no respect for me at all, so I'm the last person he would listen to.

 

He then announced that I have today to fix this relationship or he's "kicking me the **** out" and told me that I can go to a shelter. My name is on the job and the place just as much as his. I asked why I'm the one who should leave. I said our boss wouldn't let him get away with that and he said that he would tell our boss that I can't do the job without him. I do at least half of the work. I do all of the paperwork which I know he hasn't a clue how to do as well as a lot of the other work and he's been doing less and less as time goes on.

 

I can't even talk to him about work when I want to because he's playing video games or podcasts about video games and movies. I can't ask him to do work that needs done. He always has an excuse. I've been doing almost everything. "We have a few tenants who need new appliances. Could you please go up there, at some point, and measure what they have so I know what to order?" No, of course not. He says we'll just order the stoves because he already knows what size they're supposed to be. "Only one needs a stove and the others all need refrigerators." "Just order the stove for now." I guess I'll do it, myself.

 

The main thing I have a problem handling about the job is some skeezy people whose apartments I don't feel comfortable going into alone. I usually try to avoid those ones, just as he has people--one lady, in particular--he doesn't like to deal with, as she's creepy as hell and hits on him all of the time.

 

When it's not work, he's still at his games and podcasts and I can't talk to him about anything else. He always acts offended that I interrupt him. I try so damned hard to take care of our son, the household and the job and not get in front of the television while I'm at it when he's playing his games or watching something intently. I jump through hoops regularly to please him and not piss him off, making things harder on myself to make them easier on him, not upset him and just not have to deal with his wrath.

 

He lived with his mother and brothers when we met. They told me that they couldn't believe how nice he would be when I was around and that he was pretty much just mean to them all of the time. I saw how he acted with them when he didn't get his way--completely cold and condemning. He stopped talking to her a couple of years ago because of something stupid and dishonest she did that I do not condone. Now I have taken her place. He needs someone to unload all of his **** into and it's me.

 

He is perfectly open about not being a nice person, saying I'm the only one who makes him care or change, but I haven't seen a sign of that in a good couple of years. He always has an excuse for his neverending campaign of punishing me. There's always something I've done wrong that gives him license to go on torturing me as much and as long as he wants to. When I do everything in my power to take away whatever reason he says he has that makes it okay to treat me like this, he goes on doing it, anyway, and starts using another excuse. He just NEEDS to dump his crap on someone.

 

The way he talks about people, it's mean, superior-minded and self-entitled. When he's in a bad mood, he often talks about how he wants to go out and find a homeless person to beat up. He's a very mean, hateful, vindictive person. There is so much less often a good reason for him to be nice and decent anymore and always an excuse for acting like a childish, selfish *******.

 

As for the cleaning and working so hard, after my surgery, I initially did it as much to force myself to heal by just getting used to the work as I did because I felt responsible for keeping up my end. I was raised in a household where I never did anything right, never did enough and was always subject to punishment out of the blue. I see that I am in the same situation again. I know people attract the same types as those who raised them, but without counseling, which we can't afford or find free in the area, I don't know how to turn this situation from that into something healthy, peaceable and that's good for everyone. I guess that's why I'm here, because I need to talk to someone about it.

 

I guess the only option, as far as dealing with the sloppy habits of everyone around me, IS to put notes on everything. I thought about doing that, but I thought I'd just get yelled at. They leave the drawers open after I've cleaned them out and everything in them and then proceed to drop sauce and crumbs into the drawers and utensil trays. I feel so disrespected, I could scream.

 

I come into the kitchen and close the cupboards and drawers several times a day. I have to close the bathroom door every day, as I keep asking them to do so my toddler doesn't go in there and get into the toilet, fall into the tub and hit his head, get hold of razors and cleaning products. Everyone else just walks in, walks out and leaves it and I have to chase after my son and close the door. I have thought about putting a sign on it saying, "CLOSE THE ****ING DOOR". Nobody ****ing cares.

 

I'm sorry. I am just so wrung out, more than anything by the cavalier-at-best manner in which my husband treats me. He rips me a new one and gives me ultimatums almost daily. I barely ask for a ****ing thing. I have no clue what to do about this situation. What I do know is that it makes me weaker and sicker every day.

 

Thanks for listening.

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[CarrieT]

OP, this is abuse. I think you should go to a shelter in your own volition - just get out of there. Don't worry about the money or the job. Right now, it is about your safety and peace of mind.

[NTV]

It sounds like you're fighting depression. Maybe you both are. As responsible adults, you know you much seek out a DR to consult over this. No more excuses.

 

 

Based on how you say he's acting... It also sounds like the logistics of married life are just as painful to him in this situation as it is to you.

 

 

Don't be afraid of antidepressants. Really. How are you going to teach your child how to deal with ****ty emotions if you yourself can't handle them the right way?

 

 

Find ways to cut down responsibility elsewhere. Buy a Roomba. Give away a pet. Free the cords of responsibility from the things that don't matter as much as family. Who cares about fish in a divorce? So why care about the fishtank now?

 

 

Why he's so angry about the sexlife is because you're decreased libido comes across to him as a rejection. As you no longer finding him attractive. The pornstar sex he asks for---it's not the only option. What he wants is to feel sexually attractive to you. Just like you want to feel the same thing. An outfit, handcuffs, candles, whatever it is that you find to be the peripherals of romance and passion... guys are often stupid in that regard. But that's mostly because each woman has their own definition of passion. It's nearly impossible to know that a candles and music is passion for one and overrated for another. So we close our eyes, throw a dart and hope for the best.

 

 

You MUST deal with this the right way and soon, or you'll be back here posting as the wayward or betrayed wife. This is a recipe for disaster. You can learn communication skills from a book. You don't need counseling necessarily. Men are from mars and women are from venus isn't the best one but it is a good starting place. Five love languages is really good.

 

 

If you want your married life to improve, you must invest in it. Just like he's gotta learn to meet your needs, you've gotta learn the same thing.

 

 

Staying married is likely one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. It can be the most rewarding too. But like anything, you need to put time and care and love. And not the 'wow I fell in love he's so hot!' type of love, but the kind that's built brick by brick.

[stillafool]

This is why alot of women are realizing that marriage and kids just aren't worth it!

[salparadise]

There is so much serious dysfunction in this relationship that I don't think it's salvageable. I almost never encourage people to give up on a relationship without trying everything possible, including counseling, but realistically people can only make small adjustments. They can't and won't change who they are fundamentally even if they wanted to. This is not about the practicalities such as housework, etc. The is about he treats you, unrealistic over-the-top expectations, and to some degree how you enable it by trying to be the perfect wife... thinking that if you give more he will suddenly become appreciative, caring and sensitive to your needs. Ain't going to happen.

 

OP, you need an exit strategy. Of course you need to arrive at that place mentally and emotionally too before it will be possible. I agree with Carrie about a women's shelter being a potential resource for you. They can provide free counseling and legal services, and help you develop a plan for reestablishing your life. I think you should go talk to them and find out exactly what services they can provide. It's time for you to switch from appeasing him to thinking about making a stable life for you and your child.

[NTV]

OP, you need an exit strategy. Of course you need to arrive at that place mentally and emotionally too before it will be possible. I agree with Carrie about a women's shelter being a potential resource for you. They can provide free counseling and legal services, and help you develop a plan for reestablishing your life. I think you should go talk to them and find out exactly what services they can provide. It's time for you to switch from appeasing him to thinking about making a stable life for you and your child.

 

 

 

What the crap, over? From what she's said, she has invested in their kid, and invested in keeping the place clean and invested in work. She isn't investing in him. She doesn't see it as worthwhile to do it because he doesn't prioritize or invest in her and acts like a child when she doesn't prioritize him either. And both feel stuck and helpless.

 

 

I don't see this situation as the end of the road for a marriage. Yes, it obvious that he needs a bunch of counseling, and it sounds like she does too. And it's probably one of the low points. That doesn't mean to cut losses and run.

 

 

If she were looking to do that her questions would be around HOW to do it. Really it sounds like she just wants to be heard and someone to validate that she isn't crazy for feeling the way she feels.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Xayide - you are not crazy for feeling like you do. Everyone feels like giving up at some point. Like they are overwhelmed and ready to cut their losses. This is normal in marriage. It will happen more than once.

 

 

I have heard the pain you are feeling right now, and everything I mentioned to you before is still the same advice I'd give you again. Please read through it with care.

[oldshirt]

This is an abusive and exploitive and toxic relationship.

 

Stay and be abused and exploited and manipulated. Or get out and start a new life for yourself.

 

You can't change him or turn him into a decent person.

[BlueIris]

Xayide, go to a women’s and children’s shelter and see what services they can provide. Make your plan to get yourself and your child safe and free of this abuse.

 

No, don’t take drugs/medication to stay and withstand his mistreatment. If he chooses to change, that’s great. But don’t take on that responsibility or stay in a destructive situation wishing or hoping that he will change. It's his responsibility.

 

You can make yourself and your child safe, though.

[NTV]

 

No, don’t take drugs/medication to stay and withstand his mistreatment.

 

 

 

No one said to take drugs in order to withstand mistreatment. I said that she sounds like she's fighting depression, and if so, should seek medical help. I meant that regardless of whether she stays or goes. Only she can decide to do take this advice or not.

 

 

 

 

Please don't misrepresent my words.

[elaine567]

He lived with his mother and brothers when we met. They told me that they couldn't believe how nice he would be when I was around and that he was pretty much just mean to them all of the time. I saw how he acted with them when he didn't get his way--completely cold and condemning. He stopped talking to her a couple of years ago because of something stupid and dishonest she did that I do not condone. Now I have taken her place. He needs someone to unload all of his **** into and it's me.

 

^^^^This is why you should not stay a minute longer.

Get out now whilst you are still able to make a life for yourself and your child.

He is literally killing you here.

[anika99]

Based on everything you have said your husband is emotionally abusive. Tell him he either goes into counselling immediately or you will divorce him. This isn't about you being depressed (although I'm sure you are given how you are being treated) or not being invested enough in your husband. It's about your husband being demanding, controlling and lacking empathy. Those are serious issues.

[BlueIris]

No one said to take drugs in order to withstand mistreatment. I said that she sounds like she's fighting depression, and if so, should seek medical help. I meant that regardless of whether she stays or goes. Only she can decide to do take this advice or not.

 

Please don't misrepresent my words.

 

Your post recommends that she stay, be more sexy, and not “be afraid” of medication to teach her child how to deal with emotions the “right way.” I disagree that medication is the right solution to emotions or even depression in reaction to abuse. The problem isn’t her emotions. The problem is his abuse.

 

Her husband has a VERY serious problem that only he can fix. She can’t fix it- especially while she is in an environment where she is being abused. If he wants to change, he can do that even if she leaves. Her leaving to a safe and peaceful environment doesn’t automatically end the marriage or keep him from changing.

 

But in the meantime, her rights and responsibilities are to herself and her child. They deserve that safe and a peaceful environment.

[NTV]

Your post recommends that she stay, be more sexy, and not “be afraid” of medication to teach her child how to deal with emotions the “right way.” I disagree that medication is the right solution to emotions or even depression in reaction to abuse. The problem isn’t her emotions. The problem is his abuse.

 

Her husband has a VERY serious problem that only he can fix. She can’t fix it- especially while she is in an environment where she is being abused. If he wants to change, he can do that even if she leaves. Her leaving to a safe and peaceful environment doesn’t automatically end the marriage or keep him from changing.

 

But in the meantime, her rights and responsibilities are to herself and her child. They deserve that safe and a peaceful environment.

 

 

 

 

Really? Are you serious right now? Because based on what she's said the most he has done is raise his voice in an argument and said crude things to her. She also said that is unusually. How is that abuse? She said nothing of physical violence. I'm willing to bet they have both said things in anger to each other. Go ahead and overlook that probability. This isn't a someone's cheated nuclear blast to the marriage. This is sounds like the tit-for-tat war of attrition that two people go through after the honeymoon period before they stabilize into a cohesive team.

 

 

So let's address this better. What really constitutes non-physical 'abuse'? I'm willing to bet that if my wife nagged me about cleaning up you would say that isn't abuse. But to me that's just as abusive as raising her voice. Because it's demeaning, insulting, and disrespectful.

 

 

You have not only wildly misinterpreted my posting, but defended your misinterpretation when I told you. What I hope for, is other posters to chime in with how they would define nonphysical abuse so that the original poster can evaluate where she stands against this definition.

 

 

Furthermore, you completely ignored her emotional pain in both her current circumstances and internal conflict regarding whether to listen to him or fight against him. I saw other poster give her advice on how to find her voice in this marriage, so I chimed in providing her with a male POV, so that when she decided to find and use her voice she would have more background on what he was likely really feeling to negotiate the way forward.

 

 

Please re-read my post for what it was and not what you assumed it to be.

[anika99]

Really? Are you serious right now? Because based on what she's said the most he has done is raise his voice in an argument and said crude things to her. She also said that is unusually. How is that abuse? She said nothing of physical violence. I'm willing to bet they have both said things in anger to each other. Go ahead and overlook that probability. This isn't a someone's cheated nuclear blast to the marriage. This is sounds like the tit-for-tat war of attrition that two people go through after the honeymoon period before they stabilize into a cohesive team.

 

 

So let's address this better. What really constitutes non-physical 'abuse'? I'm willing to bet that if my wife nagged me about cleaning up you would say that isn't abuse. But to me that's just as abusive as raising her voice. Because it's demeaning, insulting, and disrespectful.

 

 

You have not only wildly misinterpreted my posting, but defended your misinterpretation when I told you. What I hope for, is other posters to chime in with how they would define nonphysical abuse so that the original poster can evaluate where she stands against this definition.

 

 

Furthermore, you completely ignored her emotional pain in both her current circumstances and internal conflict regarding whether to listen to him or fight against him. I saw other poster give her advice on how to find her voice in this marriage, so I chimed in providing her with a male POV, so that when she decided to find and use her voice she would have more background on what he was likely really feeling to negotiate the way forward.

 

 

Please re-read my post for what it was and not what you assumed it to be.

 

I don't know if you haven't read the OP's posts in their entirety or if you don't understand what emotional abuse is. There is a lot more to what is going on here than her husband just raising his voice.

 

He demands perfection from the OP, he demands that she meets all of his needs at the very time and in the precise way that he demands it, he is pushing uncomfortable sexual demands on her (ie threesomes), he shows her zero empathy when she is in pain or sick, he allows his father to disrespect her, he punishes her (angrily going to sleep on the couch because he didn't approve of her posting to a message board), he deprives her of sleep (continuously yelling at her when she was trying to sleep). I still maintain that this man is abusive.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Your husband is an abusive a-hole. It sounds like your dad maybe was as well, which could explain why you ended up picking someone who exhibited similar traits.

 

I dont think this relationship is salvageable. Meanness and selfishness are not qualities people tend to be capable of "working on", not to mention, your husband doesnt sound like the type who would readily admit that he might have a problem.

 

You need to leave for your sake and your child's sake. Screw your job, the apartment, the money... it doesnt sound like those are worth enough to fight him over. You need to get away from this toxic situation before it escalates further or you do somehing to hurt yourself. Go to a womans shelter.... you can figure it out from there. You sound like an intelligent, responsible person... you do not need this shir in your life and you do not need to subject your kid to this. Just go. It will work out but you need to gather your strengh and courage and decide for yourself and your child that this is not the life you want and take that step.

[NTV]

I don't know if you haven't read the OP's posts in their entirety or if you don't understand what emotional abuse is. There is a lot more to what is going on here than her husband just raising his voice.

 

He demands perfection from the OP, he demands that she meets all of his needs at the very time and in the precise way that he demands it, he is pushing uncomfortable sexual demands on her (ie threesomes), he shows her zero empathy when she is in pain or sick, he allows his father to disrespect her, he punishes her (angrily going to sleep on the couch because he didn't approve of her posting to a message board), he deprives her of sleep (continuously yelling at her when she was trying to sleep). I still maintain that this man is abusive.

 

 

I did read those things. All people are demanding and passive-aggressive at times. Especially in the early parts of their marriages. So do I believe he is overly demanding and inconsiderate? F*ck yeah. Where is the line that defines emotional abuse? I see that word thrown around an awful lot with a lot of difference in the interpretation. I also don't think leaving is the only solution here.

 

 

So, can we take those apart piece by piece and try to suggest some solutions to each of them individually?

 

 

Because right now, she's letting him hold all the power. All she really needs to do is take it back.

 

 

The first step, I would think, is to start being indifferent to when he acts out like a child. As long as he gets what he wants using that method, he's got no reason to come to the table with a different strategy.... or to negotiate for anything.

[Poppyolive]

Whoa, this is toxic, you guys are a mess, he is abusive. I highly doubt this can be salvaged. It's run its course. Get information on a local women's shelter, start preparing to leave. You can get so, so much help and support there.

 

I'm sorry for suggesting daycare, cleaner, date with yourself night, none of that will take away what an abusive ahole he is to you. You do not deserve this, whatsoever. You will be OK, know that.

 

Are you in the UK?

[bathtub-row]

This relationship with this idiot is going nowhere. I'd strongly suggest that you go find yourself another job and get away from him. Abusers don't change.

[Atrayu]

Being her husband, thank you all for telling my wife to leave me. As she asked for advice on how to handle things without devorce. You know nothing about me or my family. And yes im aware im an ahole and selfish maybe even a little bit of a sociopath, but that dosnt mean I cant change or Be nicer . :-P