Polyamorous?

[MrsManey]

I'm in a conflict, I've been married 2 years now and yes we've had some rough patches like any other marriage but I love him. Now here's the twist, I have feelings for this other guy I've known almost my whole life. We dated before but it just wasn't good timing and we started talking again and I still have those feelings for him. I want to be with them both but I want my husband to know everything, I don't want to cheat! I believe the correct term is polyamorous. I did see an interview with a married couple who went through this but in my case it would just be me , not me and my husband. I tried bringing it up to my husband but he completely shut me down so now I don't know what to do.

[TaraMaiden2]

You either (1) drop this other man from your life completely and focus on your marriage and what it lacks (from both partners) or you (2) file for divorce citing an 'irretrievable break down' and move on to Mr #2.

 

There is no in-between, see-sawing to-and-fro option.

Your H made that quite clear.

So the above choices are all you have.

 

What's it going to be, 1 or 2?

[basil67]

If your husband doesn't agree to open marriage, then you will have to choose between them. There's not much more to it.

[dichotomy]

in my case it would just be me , not me and my husband. .

 

 

Out of curiosity

 

1) Would this other man be okay with being in a poly arrangement if your husband agreed? and you okay with this OM having other loves as well?

 

2) if your husband was to say "ok" and then find love with another woman - or two - would you be okay with him having poly relationships as well ?

[MrsManey]

I shouldn't have to choose, I should be able to share my love with both of them.

 

@dichotomy yes he would agree because he has feelings towards me and nothing would make him happier than to be able to be with me.

 

I can only say from what he's told me, but he said he would never cheat on me, and I believe him because I've known him my whole life.

 

My husband is monogamous, so only I would be polyamorous.but if he did want to have other relationships as well, yes I would be okay with it.

[central]

Maybe you shouldn't have to choose, but the reality is that you do have to choose. While there are mono-poly couples, your husband doesn't want to be part of one. His no trumps your yes, since you agreed to monogamy when you married him. Unless he changes his mind about monogamy, you only have the two choices stated by TaraMaiden, if you wish to act ethically.

[dichotomy]

I can only say from what he's told me, but he said he would never cheat on me, and I believe him because I've known him my whole life.

 

.

 

 

If he was in poly or open relationship with he would not be cheating on you if he decided to add another lover in the mix. If he did decide this - I assume you would also be okay with him having other loves just like you husband could (but wont)

 

I am just discussing to learn your view points....I still agree with the others that this wont work with your husband.

[TaraMaiden2]

I shouldn't have to choose, I should be able to share my love with both of them.

Well sadly, that's not your call. Your H has said no.

If he was on board with this, then you'd have a right to make that choice.

But as you have discovered, there's a limit to what you should/could do.

And it's back to my post.

 

That's it.

 

@dichotomy yes he would agree because he has feelings towards me and nothing would make him happier than to be able to be with me.

Well that's all very well and cozy-doozie, but that's a hypothetical, because your H. Said. No.

 

I can only say from what he's told me, but he said he would never cheat on me, and I believe him because I've known him my whole life.

But you're making it sound as if you'd be prepared tocheat on your H because of your presumed right to choose.... Edited May 17, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[cdaq]

I shouldn't have to choose, I should be able to share my love with both of them.

 

@dichotomy yes he would agree because he has feelings towards me and nothing would make him happier than to be able to be with me.

 

I can only say from what he's told me, but he said he would never cheat on me, and I believe him because I've known him my whole life.

 

My husband is monogamous, so only I would be polyamorous.but if he did want to have other relationships as well, yes I would be okay with it.

 

You shouldn't have to chose? I guess the only question I have is is it now normal to wed in middle school?

 

I also want to point out the absurdity of the logic that you can "share your love" but he would be cheating. Are you taking meds? Should you be?

[Liam1]

I'm in a conflict, I've been married 2 years now and yes we've had some rough patches like any other marriage but I love him. Now here's the twist, I have feelings for this other guy I've known almost my whole life. We dated before but it just wasn't good timing and we started talking again and I still have those feelings for him. I want to be with them both but I want my husband to know everything, I don't want to cheat! I believe the correct term is polyamorous. I did see an interview with a married couple who went through this but in my case it would just be me , not me and my husband. I tried bringing it up to my husband but he completely shut me down so now I don't know what to do.

 

IMO, a polyamorous relationship will only work, if both spouses are interested in that lifestyle.

[Clay]

I shouldn't have to choose, I should be able to share my love with both of them.

 

Your husband has a say and if you don't respect his feelings on this then you should get a divorce and find people that will go along with your way of thinking.

 

Just the fact he shuts you down right away should let you know where he stands. You probably should just divorce him if you want to see other people.

 

C

[Bufo]

You don't want t have to choose? Let your husband choose what he wants to do after you have told him of your long term and constant feelings for OM.

 

If I were him I'd suspect I got married under false pretenses. Married to H but equally in love with OM.

 

One good thing if divorce occurs. It's far easier to undo a short term marriage. And even easier before child issues arise.

 

Yes I know we're supposed to provide support. I can't as I don't see any satisfactory way out of your dilemma.

[ChickiePops]

I shouldn't have to choose, I should be able to share my love with both of them.

 

@dichotomy yes he would agree because he has feelings towards me and nothing would make him happier than to be able to be with me.

 

I can only say from what he's told me, but he said he would never cheat on me, and I believe him because I've known him my whole life.

 

My husband is monogamous, so only I would be polyamorous.but if he did want to have other relationships as well, yes I would be okay with it.

 

You're already cheating on him. It's called an emotional affair.

 

No, if your husband is monogamous and you agreed to be monogamous when you married him then you are not entitled to do whatever you feel like doing without him being ok with it. Wow..the sense of entitlement is just enormous here...

 

First step is to talk to your husband and see if he will agree to an open relationship. If he says no, then you choose. Anything else would be horribly selfish of you. Oh, and it would be cheating.

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't believe the term for this is actually "polyamorous."

 

I think the actual terminology would be 'selfish.'