seeking some that may possibly

[kalap]

Hello Everyone,

 

 

I'm a new member here after searching for "why don't I love my wife" and several similar scenarios.

 

I've been married for 10 years, have 2 kids (under 10).

Married at age of 24 for the wrong reasons and I was never really in love with my partner.

She's an amazing mother and a very beautiful woman and being that we are married and have 2 kids together I've had the hardest time letting go and I don't know how to approach the situation.

Been back and forth living at my Mom's for a month then going back home and back over again the past year.

Tried getting out of the marriage before we had kids so since 2006.

 

I suppose I could blame my situation in my marriage for my personal screw up in life and being overweight when I was into working out and healthy eating up to 2 year after marriage.

I'm just screwing up in life really bad and I cannot seem to be able to put en end to bad things.

I'm not able to work much at the office I loose focus I am not very productive. I like what I do but I dont' necessarily like the company but that's another story, my work situation is not he reason why I'm not good at work.

Inside I just feel bad.

 

I have taken a test to see if I am BPD and I'm not but I think my wife is which doesn't matter, I don't think labels mean much.

 

Before marriage I had tried braking up with here twice but she seemed to act suicidal and so I kept at it. Even now she seems so heavily affected by the fact that I want a divorce that I just feel terrible inside that I'm doing that to her.

 

SHe is older by 8 yrs and at the time she had only 1 serious relationship for about 6years that was going nowhere.

Her dad was really strict and not affectionate at all. Her mom was not a very affectionate person either and having met them for so long I have to admit I cannot stand the sight of them. It is weird because they have parties maybe 5 times out of the year and they seem pleasant people at those parties but I just don't feel they are genuine people and definitely not caring. I've had a severe skin condition for the past 8 years and at many times you could clearly see it on my hands but they never even mentioned anything, anyway (maybe they didn't want to embarrass me).

I'm just the kind of person that when I care for family and friends I act and I confront in a nice way of course but ultimately a caring way to find a solution. I don't expect others to solve my problems but they are my inlaws (I don't know...someone chime in on this one please).

 

So early on in the marriage I got to see how I did not matter just how I saw that before the marriage.

She had already gone through college and got her Master's thanks to her dad and she didn't have to work hard, she just had to do good in College.

She knew of my situation, just going to college and coming from a poor family so I had to work and help out my mom as well when I could.

 

The thing that turned me off during our pre-marital relationship is how she just let go of my hand and the sight of her ex. I was like wtf!? and then she was very apologetic and so on. I know I was stupid for going forward but such is life when things where not working out for me and I figured maybe marriage is a good idea so that we can do something better. Some extra money in the house (as she knew we would be living with my mom for a few years so I can do what I have to do) would bring stability and a clear mind.

 

Turns out I had the clear mind all along and saw things for what they were. After only about a year or staying at my moms she decided she wanted a house (you see her cousins all had houses) so I figured I'd be strong to go to college, work to make money and be able to get a fixer upper and work on that too! Boy was I wrong, I was not able to deliver and of course all was done except my college, I dropped out. I couldn't study and didn't have money to continue.

 

I was very determined though and I started my own business providing handyman services, painting, window washing etc and I made out ok.

Going forward though it was not enough to keep me focused as I started to realize that I'm not happy and that I made a terrible mistake.

 

By the way I tried telling her father I didn't want to go through it before the wedding (like 3 days before - I know my fault) and he said I had cold feet.

 

My current situation is that I love my kids so much that it's been hard living at my mom's some times and not seeing them as much. I would see them as the sleep almost every night before I went to bed. I miss the little things they say in the house or that happen in the house (something I realized after having stayed back at my mom's).

At the same time I cannot stand being at home with her but sometimes I look at how good she looks and I'm like damn what is wrong with me; she cooks, she cleans, she's a good mother, she works hard and she's beautiful and I don't like her?! What the hell is wrong?!!

 

I have tried loving her romantically but I cannot do more than loving her because I care about her. The romanticism is gone. Sex is not a problem although I do find myself not finding her sexually appealing regardless of the fact the she is a beautiful woman (this is not only my opinion as to her beauty, friends and outsiders have also told me) - no I'm not uploading pictures - lol

Furthermore I am afraid at her being alone if I leave or finding someone who is not going to be respectful to her or my kids (I don't find her very smart when it comes to people).

I do find I'm happy the first few days I go back to my mom's and then end up missing my kids etc.

 

I'm just a big mess and although I know what I want out of life I also cannot hurt people that matter and that will affect my kids lives in a negative way.

Trying to sort all of this out as I still fight with my skin condition and not being able to sleep good at night because of it and while my finances are a mess.

Edited May 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[NTV]

have you been seeing someone else?

[kalap]

Yes I have; why?

[NTV]

I ask, because if you have feelings for someone else they will always be in the way of feeling something you know you should for your spouse.

 

 

So in the case that you aren't cheating on her, here are a few of my suggestions:

 

 

Physical

_________

Sleep deprivation: google it. There's a reason it's a torture technique. Your skin condition, if depriving you of restful consistent sleep, damages you mentally. While the condition might not rise to the level of torture, googling the effects of sleep apnea are probably pretty close to what you're experiencing physically.

 

 

Emotional

_________

There are likely a few reasons you don't feel passionately about your wife:

1) you appear to be blaming her for your current circumstances. You didn't get married and have kids and come to where you're at in a vacuum. Are you utterly helpless? Stop blaming her. Even if she manipulated you early in the relationship with suicide threats---you let her. Really, in this life, you have only control over yourself. You dropped out of college for her, and couldn't find time in all these years to go back and finish?

 

 

2) it sounds a lot like you haven't told her these things and how you feel. by not telling her how you feel, what you do is store a piece of yourself away from her. And if she doesn't know about this part of you, then how can she truly love you? This is the subconscious logic of what your actions are doing to yourself. Secrets destroy love.

 

 

3) why do you describe love like you're in third grade? Like you need to fall into it? Did you suddenly start believing all the horsecrap in those chick flicks? Love, real love, is something built brick by brick over a lifetime. Something beautiful and concrete and historic.

 

 

4) do you know what the reverse of the Madonna/whore complex is for men? Have you put her on a pedestal and denied yourself the type of sex you want to have because you made her out to be a mother more than a wife? IC for that one if you think it's a possibility.

 

 

5) Are you SURE you aren't cheating?

Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[NTV]

Actually, everything I just wrote you is a pale side note compared to your cheating. Your cheating is the problem. Stop and your love for your wife will return.

[Cocoaflavareena]

You have someone else your focus isn't 100% on her , the grass isn't greener on the other side . Having sex with someone else won't help ! Make it worse! Why not try counseling together and tell her how you feel ? After a long time period being together . I think for everyone that love when you first got together , kind of dies down as be together for a long time .

But love isn't about the puppy love , it's about foundation . You can go on dates , do spicy things to spark romantic relationship , sounds like you gotten comfortable . Find new ways to fall in love !

 

 

But do u want a divorce can u deal with not being with her and moving on to other people , vice versa with her ?

[kalap]

You have someone else your focus isn't 100% on her , the grass isn't greener on the other side . Having sex with someone else won't help ! Make it worse! Why not try counseling together and tell her how you feel ? After a long time period being together . I think for everyone that love when you first got together , kind of dies down as be together for a long time .

But love isn't about the puppy love , it's about foundation . You can go on dates , do spicy things to spark romantic relationship , sounds like you gotten comfortable . Find new ways to fall in love !

 

 

But do u want a divorce can u deal with not being with her and moving on to other people , vice versa with her ?

 

 

Thank you for your reply...

I agree about the focus not being there, I have considered it and yes I totally agree that the grass is not greener on the other side, oh yes!

The grass is actually starting to look greener at home, quite literally (lol, long story) But yes things are getting better with her behavior and mine. I'm done cheating for now but I'm afraid it won't last.

Yes cheating does make it worse, I've been there and out of it and back at it again to the point where I was able to separate cheating from marriage.

She knew about it and I didn't hide it.

 

 

I think out of all that you said the most important is the question as to if I could move on...I can't! I cannot let her go especially since she is so after me. I have thought many times that it would be best for her too, for her sanity for what is right to her but I cant'. It's not jealousy it's the rotten feeling that I get when I see her from time to time when I'm not home and she clearly is not well. I have asked her to be strong and to look for someone that can give her more than I have but she is so into me. I am too but in another way. My love toward her is out of respect and admiration on some level and the fact that I find her sexually attractive does not help but every time we have had sex it was just that and it had me feeling like an animal because I wish that the sex I have with my partner is more than flesh...

Edited May 17, 2016 by kalap

[Cocoaflavareena]

That's deep !!! Whatever religion belief u believe in get more into it just like u said ITS FLESH! please don't risk losing her for temporary . I guarantee you really don't want to be completely single , it's just being with her for a long time probably gets frustrating or Boring !!!

 

It seems like a lot of men cheat ! So do u love the other women ? How long has the affair been ? I know men cheat but can still be in love with they main lady . Ugh monogamy is a tricky thing .

 

 

 

But please think about counseling don't brush it to the side it'll help probably !

[kalap]

That's deep !!! Whatever religion belief u believe in get more into it just like u said ITS FLESH! please don't risk losing her for temporary . I guarantee you really don't want to be completely single , it's just being with her for a long time probably gets frustrating or Boring !!!

 

It seems like a lot of men cheat ! So do u love the other women ? How long has the affair been ? I know men cheat but can still be in love with they main lady . Ugh monogamy is a tricky thing .

 

 

 

But please think about counseling don't brush it to the side it'll help probably !

 

I have been to counseling, 2 different ones, a guy and a woman one of whom was a PHD. Bottom line is that I have no clinical conditions or any other issue, it is all a matter of choice and perspective at this point.

 

 

I am fine with the perspective.

 

 

I don't believe in religion.

I would say I'm an agnostic.

 

 

Exactly I don't want to lose her for another woman, as a matter of fact I have not been convinced like you said that it would be any better.

 

 

Thing is if it wasn't for the kids I would leave, I would have no problem being single and just messing around very carefully while I took care of myself through education and other means.

Put the kids into the mix and the love I have for them and that's when things get complicated.

 

 

Yes she is so boring! oh my goodness!! I like talking real things with a hint of drama, she is just quiet and not exiting. I am like a grown child, I chase my kids I rough them up, I bite them and I kinda want to act the same toward my partner, to be silly to be open and free and real and I cannot do that with her.

 

The last woman I met is the one that woke me up. How can a woman such as her approach my ugly ass with my skin condition and care for me in the way that she did, blew my mind. I was almost convinced that she was for me but of course other things came up like with her kids and how she is not with them. I hate to judge but that was enough for me to run away.

My kind of woman is a feminine one, one that looks the part and acts the part with a loud mouth and all the drama.

My wife is sexy looking, doesn't need makeup or anything but she's so plain and boring to the point where my daughter told her "mommy why don't you have any colorful clothes in the closet" lol, I was cracking up inside!

 

 

No it's not hard to be monogamous, what is hard for a man is to make the right decision with the right head.

Edited May 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude comment ~T

[Cocoaflavareena]

Yeah just try being positive and keep getting counseling and you know what's crazy I use to have eczema , I was allergic to nickel so I broke out so horrendous on my stomach it was so bad . Than one day I started breaking out on my legs had scars from it than my arms !!!' It use to be summer time and I NEVER WORE any shorts or shorts for like 2-3 years I was so afraid and hated my ugly skin !! I still get these rashes I think it's psoriasis but I'm not sure I got marks and stretch marks behind my legs I just use dermablend ! And I'm caramel completion ! And I use bio oil I learned to love myself ! **** what people think

 

 

But please talk to her about how u feel ! Be sensitive to her feelings though . So question so man who cheat doesn't always mean there not in love right ? I mean sometimes u dudes have everything a girl who's a freaky loyal and etc and y'all still find room to cheat smh . But yea just talk to her and CONTINUE counseling !

[kalap]

Yeah just try being positive and keep getting counseling and you know what's crazy I use to have eczema , I was allergic to nickel so I broke out so horrendous on my stomach it was so bad . Than one day I started breaking out on my legs had scars from it than my arms !!!' It use to be summer time and I NEVER WORE any shorts or shorts for like 2-3 years I was so afraid and hated my ugly skin !! I still get these rashes I think it's psoriasis but I'm not sure I got marks and stretch marks behind my legs I just use dermablend ! And I'm caramel completion ! And I use bio oil I learned to love myself ! **** what people think

 

 

But please talk to her about how u feel ! Be sensitive to her feelings though . So question so man who cheat doesn't always mean there not in love right ? I mean sometimes u dudes have everything a girl who's a freaky loyal and etc and y'all still find room to cheat smh . But yea just talk to her and CONTINUE counseling !

 

Oh my goodness, I wouldn't wish this skin bs to anyone! It's really bad, had it for over 8yrs, havent' been able to enjoy the beach with my kids or the pool. It's ok, it'll pass. I ended up going to Mexico for another opinion. Turns out I have everything!! Eczema, psoriasis and the legs part is the very rare and awful lichen planus.

Here's what helped once and like right away! Went to Greece for 3 weeks, first week just doing nothing, skin was looking much better, after I went swimming in the sea, main land beaches and island beaches, all clear in 3 days!! Came back to the US, a week later I was looking just as bad as before. Here it seems that narrow band UVB tanning helps in low doses plus the salt from the dead sea while I bathe I sit in there for about 20 minutes. I also want to try the dead sea salt and sunbathe in the back yard right after to see how it goes

 

 

Cheating...oh what a messed up thing it is. It is never good. I can only speak for myself, I've also read about that and asked for counseling because I didn't want to get in another relationship and repeat the same thing. For me it was a way out of finding what I want in a woman. After I was honest and saw that my wife didnt' want to leave me even after cheating because that is the first thing I did thinking she would be so disgusted with me that she would want to leave, well joke is on me because I now have to carry the weight of that. Subsequent cheating was done only out of desperation and to find what I was looking for. Funny part is that the sex comparatively was better with my wife yet I didn't want it because it was just sex.

So if you're asking why we do it? Well I think there are always obvious signs and the logical ones if ones cares to pay attention.

I believe that if both people are open about everything and completely honest with one another then there will be no cheating. There may be a brake up but never a cheating.

As to there is no love because of cheating I have to honestly say that this is a woman's ploy to get through it. Maybe some men even go as far as to lie but that doesn't matter. What matters is that if there is a level of trust and there is cheating then that is the worse of it. If there is cheating when things are not great then some people choose to fight through it as me and my wife clearly have.

 

Oh and I don't know about the etc, maybe the etc is not there. This is really a very long subject; one though that I know has a resolution.

Edited May 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote and coding ~T

[Cocoaflavareena]

 

Oh my goodness, I wouldn't wish this skin bs to anyone! It's really bad, had it for over 8yrs, havent' been able to enjoy the beach with my kids or the pool. It's ok, it'll pass. I ended up going to Mexico for another opinion. Turns out I have everything!! Eczema, psoriasis and the legs part is the very rare and awful lichen planus.

Here's what helped once and like right away! Went to Greece for 3 weeks, first week just doing nothing, skin was looking much better, after I went swimming in the sea, main land beaches and island beaches, all clear in 3 days!! Came back to the US, a week later I was looking just as bad as before. Here it seems that narrow band UVB tanning helps in low doses plus the salt from the dead sea while I bathe I sit in there for about 20 minutes. I also want to try the dead sea salt and sunbathe in the back yard right after to see how it goes

 

 

Cheating...oh what a messed up thing it is. It is never good. I can only speak for myself, I've also read about that and asked for counseling because I didn't want to get in another relationship and repeat the same thing. For me it was a way out of finding what I want in a woman. After I was honest and saw that my wife didnt' want to leave me even after cheating because that is the first thing I did thinking she would be so disgusted with me that she would want to leave, well joke is on me because I now have to carry the weight of that. Subsequent cheating was done only out of desperation and to find what I was looking for. Funny part is that the sex comparatively was better with my wife yet I didn't want it because it was just sex.

So if you're asking why we do it? Well I think there are always obvious signs and the logical ones if ones cares to pay attention.

I believe that if both people are open about everything and completely honest with one another then there will be no cheating. There may be a brake up but never a cheating.

As to there is no love because of cheating I have to honestly say that this is a woman's ploy to get through it. Maybe some men even go as far as to lie but that doesn't matter. What matters is that if there is a level of trust and there is cheating then that is the worse of it. If there is cheating when things are not great then some people choose to fight through it as me and my wife clearly have.

 

 

 

It was so horrible for me and my boyfriend loves me he would massage this prescription cream on my broken out body !!! I'm getting emotional writing this he loved everything on my body never made fun of me . But it was so so bad I use to be jealous in high school of the females with clear good glistening skin and I'll be damn, why can't that be me . I was suicidal and depressed it was horrible !!!!

 

But yes you two will be ok u not going no where lol . But continue counseling and have date nights . Do things you never done , make a bucket list and make her step out of her comfort zone . Give her money to go to hair salon and get a new hair style . And some lingerie . Me and my man have threesomes why cheat when u can have sex with a beautiful women together ( NOT ALL will agree but what works for me doesn't work for eveyone) but yes .

Edited May 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote and coding~T

[kalap]

 

It was so horrible for me and my boyfriend loves me he would massage this prescription cream on my broken out body !!! I'm getting emotional writing this he loved everything on my body never made fun of me . But it was so so bad I use to be jealous in high school of the females with clear good glistening skin and I'll be damn, why can't that be me . I was suicidal and depressed it was horrible !!!!

 

But yes you two will be ok u not going no where lol . But continue counseling and have date nights . Do things you never done , make a bucket list and make her step out of her comfort zone . Give her money to go to hair salon and get a new hair style . And some lingerie . Me and my man have threesomes why cheat when u can have sex with a beautiful women together ( NOT ALL will agree but what works for me doesn't work for eveyone) but yes .

 

 

I hope you're way past that stage of jealousy and suicidal thoughts. Who you are is not determined by your looks or your body. How people perceive you is another story but you are who you are no matter what you look like. I'm happy that you have a man that would do that for you, unfortunately for me my wife wouldn't at first and only after I found this "new" woman that did it for me without even having known me for over 3 months then my wife started to try to touch me. I didnt' even feel comfortable naked in front of my wife and this woman comes along and asks me to take it all off! Oh hell no!

 

 

I hear you about the threesome...I had asked my wife a few years back and she had agreed...I couldn't do it, as crazy as this sounds, I'm a one woman man. Never did want a threesome although I must admit that out of pure lust it is so damn appealing. I can see though that if both the man and the woman enjoy the presence of another woman then it would work out.

 

 

Well as for me this is where I'm stuck. I suppose I can find the worth in improving my wife and not letting my past get in the way of my future.

It is very confusing having had a woman for so many years and her not seeing my worth or try to help me and to now all of a sudden turn a new leaf. It's hard because inside of me it feel like for her the romance is dead.

But as this PHD put it "if people didn't change, I wouldn't have my job"

Edited May 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote~T

[Cocoaflavareena]

Now see !!! I didn't know your wife made you feel uncomfortable ! That's a no no . Cause I know exactly how you felt trust me I was so depressed !!!! But I'm so much better and confident I still get a little insecure but It's no where near bad I finally wear dress and shorts !

 

But I never knew your wife was like that with you she should understand how you feel about your skin !!!! But , yes u need a vacation ! Maybe a little getaway just BY YOURSELF . ever thought about that clear your head ?

[kalap]

Now see !!! I didn't know your wife made you feel uncomfortable ! That's a no no . Cause I know exactly how you felt trust me I was so depressed !!!! But I'm so much better and confident I still get a little insecure but It's no where near bad I finally wear dress and shorts !

 

But I never knew your wife was like that with you she should understand how you feel about your skin !!!! But , yes u need a vacation ! Maybe a little getaway just BY YOURSELF . ever thought about that clear your head ?

 

Yep, done that too when I went to Mexico.

Missing my kids is all I could think about.

 

 

I have to make a decision soon.

 

 

Thanks for your input