Controlled by a six year old???

[Jolene]

My boyfriend and I want to get married. Great!

 

I have a 6 yr old son, who is usually very well behaved and socially adaptable and intelligent and compliant, bla bla bla

 

My boyfriend has involved himself in our lives fully, and has picked up my son from the babysitter 80% of the time for months now despite his own busy schedule.

 

A few days ago, my son didn't want my bf to pick him up and declared that he wanted me to still pick him up sometimes, too. I responded to this by giving in to the idea that he wants to feel more balance and connectedness to me and our home instead of bf and his home. Also, bf makes him do homework and eat supper. I let him play and give him bath and read.

 

My bf felt strongly that I am pandering to the child's wishes and stated that since I am 35 years old, I should not be letting a 6 year old control me or my boyfriend.

 

Is my boyfriend controlling me, or does he have a point? Is he being insensitive or sensible? I don't like criticism, especially from my boyfriend. I'm not sure how seriously to take it, either. But he could be right.

 

Anyone ever had this issue come into play?

[tiki]

You definitely can't let a child run your life. If it were up to a child, they'd be eating McDonald's happy meals every meal possible and sitting in front of the TV set glued to a N64 and eating popsicles and sucking down colas. Their teeth would be rotten out and they'd be malnourished. It's not realistic, a six year old cannot make decisions. Some decisions, yes. But decisions based on age appropriateness. There has to be parental intervention.

 

Your six year old may feel like he's losing you.

 

I don't like for my H to pick my son up from the babysitter (my mom) unless it's a neccessity. He doesn't mind doing it, and he offers often, but it's my job as a mom. It's not his kid, it's mine. He's got his own kid to worry about. Try to spend more time with your kid, even if it's one-on-one time.

 

How long has the bf been in your life?

[She_Devil]

He misses you picking him up. Why don't you take turns with your bf picking him up. No your Bf is not trying to control you, nor your six year old. It is not your bf's job to pick up your son even though he is going to be his stepdad soon. Your child comes first.

[Jolene]

Your points are so true!

 

My bf has been involved for 7 months and has been very sweet, accomodating and seriously helpful to me. I believe he loves me, but doesn't understand things in the same emotional way. You know, like you understood what I was saying....he thinks it's a load of manure and that my child is manipulating me.

 

Also, I think it stands to reason that I responded to the best interests of my child on the off chance that there is something dysfunctional going on in my absence, but you can't tell that to your boyfriend, now can you???

 

I don't know how to diffuse this issue, but it sounds like your plan of picking up your son would work for me and my son as well.

 

Thanks so much~

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Jolene

 

A few days ago, my son didn't want my bf to pick him up and declared that he wanted me to still pick him up sometimes, too. I responded to this by giving in to the idea that he wants to feel more balance and connectedness to me and our home instead of bf and his home.

 

Have you asked your son why he wants you to pick him up as well? Have you asked him if he's feeling okay or if he is upset about anything?

 

Also, bf makes him do homework and eat supper. I let him play and give him bath and read.

 

In my opinion this behavior causes an imbalance and it might be a good idea to change this. Your son might begin to associate your boyfriend with the strict parent and you with the easy parent, which in my opinion is a bad trend to start. I think it's imperative that both parents participate in the responsibilities of raising a child and that means that the mom and dad(male figure) work together to enforce children to finish homework, do chores, eat dinner and allow time for bathing, reading and play time.

 

My bf felt strongly that I am pandering to the child's wishes and stated that since I am 35 years old, I should not be letting a 6 year old control me or my boyfriend.

 

No one should pander to a child, however I think it's important to find out what the child is feeling and why he finds it's necessary to have you pick him up. If it's something as simple as the fact that when you're around he gets to goof off and play rather than take care of his responsibilities then I don't see the need to rearrange your life just to pick him up. However, without knowing why, it may be that your son is feeling emotionally vulnerable with the boyfriend present and a little extra loving from mom might help him become adjusted to sharing mom with someone else.

[tiki]

The most important thing in the beginnning (pre-marriage) is that you guys are on the same wavelength for parenting/discipline. If not, then why even bother? It'll be a long haul. I know it's probably hard to be on that same level, when he's never had a child himself.

 

My H and I are on the same level when it comes to parenting/discipline. His ex and he were not. She had a young son that (for example) would want a coke at bedtime. My H would tell the kid no (being the step-father) and the mother would say it's okay. It makes him look bad! Why not trust his judgment? But then again, if he's not a parent, it would be complicated.

 

But my H and I do agree on all that. What he says goes, what I say goes. If dad said no, I'm saying no too. If mom said no, then by God he'd better be saying no too! You guys are supposed to be on the same team, as parents. If not, you'll have nothing but one confused kid. And that's not fair.

 

I'd re-evaluate the whole situation.

[Jolene]

I wonder if that is the reason why he bought me flowers last night and disappeared until bedtime, only to then bring up what his issue is. He's never had any other issues. The flowers made me suspicious...lol

 

Yes, I agree that we need to be on the same team. I told him that this morning as he was leaving for work. We'll talk about it again tonight. I just worry a bit that he doesn't understand or is not capable of understanding the emotional needs of my child or even for me in the longrun. Time will tell. I don't think I can just know by asking or criticising him for being insensitive just yet. ?? But I worry a bit when this kind of thing comes up. He gives no credit to the emotional aspect on this topic.

[tiki]

Make it clear that it's vital in parenting that the parents agree on parenting!!!

 

He's either got to break, or you do.

 

Or the relationship will break and then you need to find someone that has your same parenting views.

 

Being on the same wavelength with my H makes A WORLD of difference.

 

I can't imagine struggling with a child AND a husband.

[Jolene]

no kidding!

 

It makes me a bit sad to think it could end like that, but better now than later....anyway he doesn't want to have a biological child of his own that badly, and so I find that questionable. I can go either way, but I wonder if he is just going to be selfish and battle for attention throughout the relationship and marriage. I would never forgive myself if I put my son as a second priority to a man who presents this kind of challenge. I have no way of knowing for sure just yet, though, what I am dealing with. I will strongly consider the relationship before we get too deep with family and friends.

[tiki]

You're smart for doing that. He may not like kids. SCREW THAT!!!

 

You guys have to meet on a common ground, or you'll be miserable and so will your son. This is your last chance to show him how a real home works.

 

And IMO, that means:

The man is the family leader

The woman respects the man

The man respects the woman

The kids respects both parents, but has a special respect for the mother. Father takes up for mother when children badmouth/backtalk her.

Both parents work in syncronization to instill the best values, morals and ethics possible (and have the same values).

 

I think I'm old fashioned though.

 

I wish you luck, nonetheless!

[moimeme]

Also, I think it stands to reason that I responded to the best interests of my child on the off chance that there is something dysfunctional going on in my absence, but you can't tell that to your boyfriend, now can you???

 

That was my first thought. One of the signs that a kid is being abused by someone is that the kid is reluctant to be with that person. You are wise to consider it. By all means, ask the child why and pay particular attention to how they are together. Is the child warm to the bf? Does he approach the bf happily or does he have to be persuaded to do so?