My Cheating Heart

[sushisue]

I have been married for 7 years(scratch, scratch) to a somewhat wonderful man. We are very different from one another, but share many of the same goals and enjoy the same things. We have two children who are 3 and 7. We have had very passionate fights and months where we get along beautifully. He has an office on the west coast and travels there quite frequently(we are in DC) so I spend a lot of time alone.

 

Sexually, we are very different. My previous relationaships were far more sexually charged and full of wild experimentation. I have become far less open about sex and feel afraid to talk about it. It is simply not that important to him. Our sex life is certainly not terrible. 1-2 times a week and we both have great orgasms.(even multiple for me) This is perfect for him. i have often tried to get him to experiment more, but he refuses and just thinks that i am a pervert.(which may be true!) I adore being spanked(which he will not do and playing out all kinds of my fantasies, which he just does not get)I feel embarrassed about my sexuality.

 

I am always thinking about sex and can almost have an orgasm from fantasizing or standing close to someone that I find attractive. We are very social people with a good number of friends.

 

Here is the catch: I want to cheat!!!!

I am constantly flirting with our friends and there are a few who I would love to ****(can I say that?) I have cheated twice so far(just one night stands... with men that he does not know) and it was amazing. I felt terribly guilty afterward both times and seduced my husband after each. I was so incredibly turned on just thinking about being with others.

 

We have one particular friend with whom I share a mutual attraction. we have never discussed actually cheating together, but he knows about my one night stands, and I know he would have a relationship with me. I just need sex. It is part of my very essence. I have been an intensely sexual being since high school and feel so stifled.

 

Divorce is not an option financially as my hubby has 100k in loans from undergrad and law school and I have tons of them as well. I also freelance an pull in about 12k a year. Our children are the world to us, I do not want to hurt them. I would rather be a cheat. He is somewhat religious and hates cheating. He is disgusted by men in his offib=ce who cheat. He would probably try to take the kids from me. He is an attorney and knows the legal system in and out.

 

What do I do? Should I just find one long term lover? How do I approach the subject with a friend(so many have admitted that their amrriage is practically sexless or unhappy) I need a dirty lover or I will just suffocate!

 

Please help me...

Sue

[ReluctantRomeo]

Is there any way you can keep this within the marriage? Having sex with a 3rd party has a dynamic all of its own. One which will take you places you didn't want to go...

[westernxer]

Your hubby hates men who cheat... he's really gonna hate you when he finds out what you did, once he gets over the hurt.

 

You should've gotten down and dirty before you tied the knot and had children. Not after.

 

Talk about bad timing...

[whichwayisup]

Think you guys needs marriage councilling.

 

It's not OK to go and have sex with somebody else. IF you want to do that, then maybe consider discussing an "open" relationship with him. I doubt he'd go for that though. Why stay married.

 

You really need to decide what YOU want. The excuse about money is BS, both of you can survive. People are in debt everyday and manage somehow. I'm sure he take care of himself, devastated as he will be, atleast he'll not be with somebody who wants to be someone else. It's just very selfish.

 

Learn to communicate with him!! Afraid?? Ha, so what? What's the worst thing that could happen, a fight, a heated discussion? Work together, tell him that you're wanting to cheat - Infact tell him that you have already. That could be enough to either leave the marriage or actually stay because he LOVES you and is father to YOUR two children. It could be enough so he'll maybe try to learn some tricks in bed to keep you happy. But you have to TALK to him. Shoving it under the rug is too easy. Cheating is the easy way out.

 

, I do not want to hurt them. I would rather be a cheat. He is somewhat religious and hates cheating. He is disgusted by men in his offib=ce who cheat. He would probably try to take the kids from me. He is an attorney and knows the legal system in and out.

 

You don't want to hurt your children, but you WILL BE by putting your OWN needs above theirs. Get a viberator! Sex is not everything OK. Parents give up things, even at times their happiness FOR their children. What you're doing and continue to want to do is VERY SELFISH.

 

He probably WILL take the kids from you. Is that what you want? Is sex and your needs more important than your family's? I think most people hate when their spouses cheat. Can't say I've ever read anything on here that says the spouse wouldn't have a problem with it or likes it.

 

Focus your sexual energy INTO your husband. Open up and talk to him, tell him how you need sex more than 2 times a week. If he knows HOW you really are feeling, maybe he'll put some more effort in. Either way, marriage councilling is important.

[Owl]

News flash....marriage means you've agreed to "forsake all others"...unless you'd promised something completely different to your husband in the beginning?

 

If you cheat on your H, he's going to be more hurt than you can possibly imagine. And since you've already done so, I'm not sure that you really have what it takes to be committed in a marriage to begin with.

 

IMO...you have two options.

 

One- Learn to love within the limits of your marriage. He's the man you've promised yourself to. Get over your adolescent sex game desires and start focusing on what's REALLY important...your family, your marriage, your life.

 

Two- Divorce your husband and do whatever it is you want to do. I found it really sad that you say that "divorce isn't an option..." and then you list everything BUT your husband in the reasons why you should stay.

 

You've already cheated. Why come here asking for permission? Go tell your husband what you're doing and have done, and THEN decide on the best course of action WITH him...this marriage isn't just YOU...it's the BOTH of you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Not to be a downer, but as a matter of practicality you may want to also consider what will happen when you get caught. Having affairs is one thing. Having them with no backup plan or exit strategy is just plain dumb - especially when you have a lot to lose.

 

You will want to sit down and really think about what is going to happen when you get caught (and you will eventually) - what will you do or say to avoid a divorce, if a divorce is not what you want? How will your 'friendships' be affected when they get busted along with you? How will your children fare in this?

[Marshbear]

Just remember that cheating is a deal breaker in a marriage. If you do this you will be caught sooner or later and all that you hold dear will be lost.

I think you crave the excitement of the act and not so much the sex. Your H is not adventurous and you think you need these affairs to keep you happy. You say you have multi orgasms with your H so when you do have sex it must be fulfilling. Maybe you should consider a sex therapist for the two of you or is it just that you want to be with other men than your H?

 

If it is the latter then I feel the marriage is doomed. You will hurt him sooner or later so weigh your options and decide what you want to do.

[sushisue]

Should i just suck it up for morality's sake? Honestly, I do not believe in the Judeo-christian tradition anyway. I married him because I was pregnant. He knew that I was reluctant to get married, but he likes to do the right thing and really wanted to get married. He also knew how sexual I was and used to try to meet my needs.

His view: Children=Who needs good sex anymore

 

I am just so sad. I had sex with someone(itwas my second time cheating) last week and it just blew my mind. The man that I slept with is already saying he is in love with me and wants to leave his wife for me, but I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THAT. I told him it is over and that if he tells anyone I will destroy him.

 

I am so screwed up right now. Is it really so bad to have a lover. I hear about so many oversexed men, where are they? Why didn't I marry one?(probably b/c I was only 24)

 

Maybe I should go on a drug that represses my essence. I was made for sex, I have ALWAYS been like this. I love men! If my husband could desire me with the same unadulterated passion that I desire him, I would not ever CHEAT. He is beautiful.

 

My friends all know how I am(save for the actual cheating) and I know they tell husbands. i am not coceited, but I know I am attractive, as I work hard to stay slim and firm, and take much care in my appearance.

 

Am I just a bad person? Should I leave him and put my kids in a little apartment without their daddy?

[sushisue]

I am redaing this and know that I am a selfish bitch. I love him. i cannot do this, and I will stop. We have gone to sex therapy before and it did not help. Okay, I just have to live without it. I just need to find a way for him to desire me more, I just do not know how.

 

After I cheated, I spent the whole night shaking and crying. I hate myself right now.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sue-

 

I feel the need to mention a few things in your post- first of all, you say divorce is not an option?? You also mention that your husband is an attorney and would try to take your kids? What do you think will happen if you get caught? Divorce will be a option and as the cheater you are on the losing end of the deal- trust me I know. You freelance now and earn very little money while your husband is an attorney. Should he divorce you be prepared to have to get a full time job and be supporting yourself.

 

You've already cheated, don't kid yourself, ONS or no ONS. I've been in your shoes. Your world falls apart when you cheat. I didn't want to get a divorce either- I just wanted to have my cake and eat it too. Trust me, people usually get caught- no matter how smart you think you are.

 

You are running the risk of your kids finding out about your behavior. Right now you think that you won't get caught and they could never find out. Well, my affair ended up in the local paper and my OM's kids could have read that. Also, people gossip and they could overhear something. You don't want them to lose respect for you.

 

You need to start talking to your husband as well, now. Explain to him what's going on and that you're not getting your needs met sexually. Then, get with him to a marriage counselor. I also suggest him finding a job to where he can be home more- you're obviously feeling neglected. Don't say that's not a option, it is a option if you want to save your marriage.

 

I also suggest individual counseling for you. You're taking risks with your health by having one night stands, not to mention how dangerous that could be for you. You could be suffering from a sexual addiction.

[westernxer]

Wow, what a predicament.

 

For better for worse, or for nothing at all.

 

It ain't easy...

[She_Devil]

When you had children you gave up your right to be selfish....plain and simple. I think that you need to talk to your husband and explain to him how you REALLY feel. If you are so turned on by other men bring that in as a fantasy, once you get what you want you man no be so happy with the result. Let me be cliche' and state that the grass is always greener on the other side.

 

If you have passionate fights that means he is passionate as well. Find ways to bring it out in him. If he is the man that you love you will do what it takes. If infact you have done what you can on your own and things still don't turn out the way you wanted, you need to seek a professional. Maybe a sex therapsit. Buy yourself some toys...and enjoy. Let him watch...let him help.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by sushisue

After I cheated, I spent the whole night shaking and crying. I hate myself right now.

 

I'm really sorry to hear this - you poor thing.

 

Trying to make yourself more desirable is probably not the way... the problem seems to be mismatched sexdrives.

 

You need to explain to him - in direct terms that *guys* can understand, not the indirect female hinting - that you need more sex. And find some compromise for reaching this. It needs to be something he does as a service to you, rather than only when he fancies it - just like looking after the children, or listening to each other when you're down. He may understand it in those terms.

 

As a bare minimum, he could hold the vibrator

[Owl]

You need to come clean with your husband. And you need to realize that marriage is about a lot more than just sex. Let me be really blunt...right now, my wife and I aren't on the same sheet of music when it comes to that either. Guess what...I'm not even gonna CONSIDER going anywhere else for it. Just is NOT gonna happen. Because while I REALLY want that kind of love from her at the moment, I'm NOT going to hurt her in that fashion, nor do I want to jeopardize the marriage and family I've worked so hard to have over the years. I too will "suck it up"...

 

Seriously, you need to tell him what's happened. You need to be honest with him, and you need to let HIM decide whether or not he still wants to be married to you after this. The BOTH of you need to decide if your marriage is worth saving at this point.

 

It doesn't matter whether or not you "believe in the Judeo-christian tradition"...what did your husband expect of you when you married him????

[SunnySG]

sushiesue -

I am in the same boat you are. Sort of.

I am feeling very sexual repressed right now (not because the H doesn't want to have it) but because I am not sexually attracted to my husband.

My husband was my first sex partner and now I can't stop thinking about what it would be like with this one person in particular. Sleeping with anyone other than my husband was foreign to me because of the values I was raised with. So I didn't experiment.

 

I wish I had.

 

You and I are not bad people.

In fact, most likely all the people I know would pass out and DIE if they knew I was even THINKING about sex outside my marriage.

 

And yes, I have thought about askig for an open marriage. I have joked about it in passing.

 

Like you, we are financially "strapped." My husband is in Medical School and has a very bright future as a surgeon. I wonder every day if as his work load progresses if I will get worse and worse if we stay together - most surgeons work a minimum of 60 hours a week. That's a lonely life.

 

I have mentioned in my other post (I am "Married - Lusting after another") that my family is very involved in my life, and marriage. They gifted my husband and I a very large amount of money when we married, and everyday I wish they hadn't because it's like a curse hanging over my head. A tool, if you will, for them to manipulate me - us - with.

 

I cannot stop thinking about this other person - I am normally a levelheaded, articulate, and respected human being. It's every waking hour (and some dirty dreams) of the day.

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by sushisue

I am reading this and know that I am a selfish bitch. I love him. i cannot do this, and I will stop. We have gone to sex therapy before and it did not help. Okay, I just have to live without it. I just need to find a way for him to desire me more, I just do not know how.

 

After I cheated, I spent the whole night shaking and crying. I hate myself right now.

 

I fact that you feel guilty is a good sign. I don't necessarily believe that you are a bad person, you just need to decide what your priorities are. Are you a selfish b*tch? Yes. Is it your H fault? Maybe. Can you get him to take care of your needs? probably. If it is about sex and not that you just want other men. I think that you will cheat again if you don't resolve this thing. You say you will live without it but you know you won't.

Get a vibrator of your lonely. It is a girl's best friend.

[ImaManDammit]

I am seeing more and more of these posts. It seems that unless the couple are completely sexually satisfied with the relationship, its headed for the rocks.

 

As far as I am concerned unless you find a women or man who is COMPLETELY and EXACTLY your perfect sexual partner, your marriage is doomed. That the sense I'm getting anyway.

 

Its seems that no matter what other wonderful traits they have, the moment they don't agree with something in the sack, people begin or atleast begin to think about wandering to fulfill the sexual needs elsewhere.

 

Why get married in the first place.

 

Sorry but this is a bit much

[scratch]

Originally posted by sushisue

Sexually, we are very different. My previous relationaships were far more sexually charged and full of wild experimentation. I have become far less open about sex and feel afraid to talk about it. It is simply not that important to him. Our sex life is certainly not terrible. 1-2 times a week and we both have great orgasms.(even multiple for me) This is perfect for him. i have often tried to get him to experiment more, but he refuses and just thinks that i am a pervert.(which may be true!) I adore being spanked(which he will not do and playing out all kinds of my fantasies, which he just does not get)I feel embarrassed about my sexuality.

 

Ideally, this stuff would have come to light before marriage. But, the world isn't ideal. Assuming neither of you lied about your sexual expectations, I sympathize with you.

 

Originally posted by sushisue

What do I do? Should I just find one long term lover? How do I approach the subject with a friend(so many have admitted that their amrriage is practically sexless or unhappy) I need a dirty lover or I will just suffocate!

 

I'd give him options. Either he can give you what you want sexually, he can allow you to have affairs, or you will get a divorce. If he chooses the first one, great. Tell him you hope he does. If he chooses the second, involve him to the extent he wants to be involved. Let him help set the "rules" under which you can cheat. Allow him to have the same freedoms he is giving you. If he chooses the third, frankly, it's probably just speeding up the inevitable. To protect your legal rights in a divorce, you'd be wise to not cheat on him until the proceedings are in motion.

 

Basically, you should work with him on this, not behind his back. That is, if you are strong enough.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by ImaManDammit

I am seeing more and more of these posts. It seems that unless the couple are completely sexually satisfied with the relationship, its headed for the rocks.

 

It's the consumer society - we're accustomed to buying things with all the features we want, and can't understand why human beings aren't like this.

 

Shockingly, I have heard that sometimes one human being isn't perfect and doesn't always satisfy all of our needs...

[SunnySG]

Still got your black thinking cap on, I see?

[NiCoLe20]

his sex drive is just too low, boost it up with some viagra! haha j/k

[New_Wife]

Sushi,

 

Please go to a psychiatrist and ask to be evaluated for bipolar disorder. This is something that runs in my family, and what you are describing - your above average sexual appetite, risk taking behaviors, and the up/down feelings you experience, as well as the impulse control issues - sound very familiar.

 

For the record, I am NOT a psychiatrist, so I could be way off the mark here - but if what you have is a chemical imbalance - and not some sort of "selfish bitch" or morality problem - it might be worth doing to find out now & get a handle on it.

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

[ImaManDammit]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Shockingly, I have heard that sometimes one human being isn't perfect and doesn't always satisfy all of our needs...

 

Its good thing humanity doesn't have a return counter, I'd hate to have the job.

[Mz. Pixie]

Thank you new wife. I knew her symptoms sounded like something but I couldn't think of what it was called.

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by New_Wife

Sushi,

 

Please go to a psychiatrist and ask to be evaluated for bipolar disorder. This is something that runs in my family, and what you are describing - your above average sexual appetite, risk taking behaviors, and the up/down feelings you experience, as well as the impulse control issues - sound very familiar.

 

For the record, I am NOT a psychiatrist, so I could be way off the mark here - but if what you have is a chemical imbalance - and not some sort of "selfish bitch" or morality problem - it might be worth doing to find out now & get a handle on it.

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

That's insane! A high sex drive and desiring some down and dirty sex does not make one bipolar. First off bipolar is when you go through depressive episodes dispersed with manic episodes - periods of not sleeping for days, etc. The "symptoms" she described do not remotely resemble bipolar disorder. So someone wants to get f*cked hard, cheats, and suddenly they're bipolar? ok, whatever, you're the expert. What would I know

 

Sushi, I feel for ya hon. I do. You're in an impossible situation. I too have a very high sex drive and I like to experiment like crazy in bed. If I were married to a man like your husband, I'd be miserable. You have needs and they're not being met, and while you did marry this man, he also married you, so the responsiblity to make each other happy rests on both sides.

 

A few people here have posted how wrong you are to do this because of the kids, and how you have a responsibility to them to ignore the sex you need. They're wrong. You have a responsiblity to love your children and to raise them to be emotionally healthy adults. You don't have to give up a good f*ck just because you pushed out a couple puppies. This issue is with your husband, not your kids.