New_Wife Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Wow! Defensive much? I do belive I disclaimed that I was not an expert. Merely that what she described reminded me very much of a family member who is bipolar. But you are right, she should completely ignore any suggestion of an evaluation and just continue as she had been. The shaking and crying are certainly symptoms of a happy person. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by New_Wife Wow! Defensive much? I do belive I disclaimed that I was not an expert. Merely that what she described reminded me very much of a family member who is bipolar. But you are right, she should completely ignore any suggestion of an evaluation and just continue as she had been. The shaking and crying are certainly symptoms of a happy person. Nope, not defensive at all. I just thought it was ridiculous for you to be diagnosing her with a mental disorder. You didn't tell her just to talk with a therapist, you told her to get evaluated for bipolar disorder by a doctor. Jumping the gun a little, no? Shaking and crying are very normal reactions to feeling guilty. She's describing common human emotions - desire, fear, etc., and you got the DSM IV manual out... or is it V these days? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 This situation reminds me of that Richard Gere movie, Unfaithful. Highly recommended to any woman involved in an extra-marital affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sushisue Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 "unfaithful" was so hot. for the record, I started seeing a psychiatrist during the winter. I was sure that I was mentally ill... Guess what? I am fine, but therapy was recommended. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySG Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 I think everyone on the planet would agree that being unfaithful is wrong. That isn't the point to the topic of converstion. And yes, obviously in every case of infedelity and even THINKING about it requires some type of professional help. In my mind, I keep chastising myself. Why can't I just stop thinking about the OM? Why does every damn song on the radio turn me on? Why don't I desire my husband? At work, I have to tell myself, "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" Which just makes me think of "Yes, yes, yes." Why would I purposely mess up the future that I had so carefully planned for my husband and I? Why would I work 3 jobs to put him through school only to f**k it all up over meaningless sex? But would it be meaningless? I hardly know what would happen. I keep telling myself "You're only doing this becaue you're curious. You don't know what other men are like." But it's not just "other men," it's just that ONE other man. My heart is racing right now thinking about it. If I could flip a switch and turn it off, DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD? Every moral fiber of my being is resisting these feelings that I have, except that erotic part of my brain. I am driving myself nuts, and my husband nuts. I drove past some apartments for rent and decided to see what they're available for. Maybe what I need is to seperate from my husband and start dating him again. I got this book about Controlled Seperations where you set guidelines like Living Arrangements, Visitation, Dating each other, Dating others, Counseling, etc. It's a very good book. I don't think my husband will be surprised, but I know he'll be hurt. I don't even want to THINK about my parents. Then I think - How fair would an affair be to this OM? If, for example, he fell in love with me (because he's single) and I decide NOT to leave my husband. How sh**ty is that? What would his parents think if they found out he was carrying on a relationship with a married/seperated woman? I KNOW what's right. I KNOW what I should do. My body is just screaming to ignore the obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 So what's your plan for going forward now? You know what you've been doing is wrong, and unfair to your husband...so how are you going to fix this? As far as getting your own needs 'taken care of'...I'd seriously think that this would be a wake up call for your H. He's likely to realize from this that if he doesn't start to take this seriously, it could cost him his marriage. I know a number of cases where exactly this kind of 'big red flag' was what SAVED the marriage. But it all comes down to you putting forth YOUR effort in creating an honest, up front marriage first. So what's your plan to get there? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 I KNOW what's right. I KNOW what I should do. My body is just screaming to ignore the obvious. Ignore your body, what it is screaming. Your MIND knows better. If you listen to your body you are willingly doing something wrong, and selfish. Hey, if you can sleep well at night or look at yourself in the mirror, then go for it. Some people don't allow their conscious to interfer, that inner voice that JUST KNOWS right from wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
PatientOne Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 I can't help but find it odd that at 10:43am you posted like this: Originally posted by sushisue I have been married for 7 years(scratch, scratch) ... Here is the catch: I want to cheat!!!! I am constantly flirting with our friends and there are a few who I would love to ****(can I say that?) I have cheated twice so far(just one night stands... with men that he does not know) and it was amazing. Sue But by 11:19am you were at this point: Originally posted by sushisue I am redaing this and know that I am a selfish bitch. I love him. i cannot do this, and I will stop. We have gone to sex therapy before and it did not help. Okay, I just have to live without it. I just need to find a way for him to desire me more, I just do not know how. After I cheated, I spent the whole night shaking and crying. I hate myself right now. Rather a wild swing in attitude, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by sushisue He is somewhat religious and hates cheating. He is disgusted by men in his offib=ce who cheat. It is UNFAIR of you to make these decisions for him. He's his own person and it's his marriage too. You entered into a contract together, then YOU changed the rules unilaterally without any input from him. The guy deserves the right to decide if he wants to be exposed to potential STD's at the very least. You're dealing with what could potentially be a matter of life and death. Either divorce him, or find a way to work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 I can see where you are probably coming from, because I feel that sex is really important in a relationship. If your sex drives don't match that can be a potential problem...and very frustrating. Do you really even want to be with your husband? I like the seperation idea. Could just be that you are bored and unhappy and your hubby doesn't even know it. You really need to talk to him about all this. You apparently still desire your husband so that's a good sign. Does he know how important the sex is to you? And don't feel bad. To some people sex is not important in a relationship and to others it is. Regardless, sex is still the 2nd most common reason for divorces with money at #1. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael86 Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar A few people here have posted how wrong you are to do this because of the kids, and how you have a responsibility to them to ignore the sex you need. They're wrong. You have a responsiblity to love your children and to raise them to be emotionally healthy adults. You don't have to give up a good f*ck just because you pushed out a couple puppies. This issue is with your husband, not your kids. WRONG! How do you think it will effect those kids when they find out their mother cheats on their father? And they will find out if she keeps it up. Take it from someone who knows....something like this can be destructive as hell to a child and can effect them long into their adult life. Your right....the responsibility is to love your children and raise them to be emotionally healthy. You don't do that by cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Oh grow the hell up! I mean really. You're extremely selfish. So basically the sex is ok just not as good as it used to be so you cheat? Other than that you love your husband? So instead of trying to work on the marriage, learn to communicate, or god forbid get a divorce and learn to take care of yourself, you decide to cheat on husband, your kids and your family. And on top of all of that you want to continue to cheat! I feel bad for your husband and your kids. What a great role model you are! Did those vows you took mean anything to you? Does love, understanding, devotion, communication matter to you? If you truly love him in any way shape or form you will tell him everything you've said here. If he still wants to stay married and thats what you want, you should both seek marriage counselling. If not then you should divorce and stop being selfish. You're stealing this mans life. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Wow, people are crazy. First off...can I have your husband? I would love to have one who looks down on men in his office who cheat and who actually thinks cheating is wrong. Secondly, if you think you are not hurting your husband and kids now you are wrong. The majority of cheaters get caught and when you do, your husband will totally repulsed by you, your family will break up and your children will lose all the security they ever had. Worse still, when your kids grow up, they too will have zero respect for you. I am sceptical about hedging my bets that you've got bi-polar disorder. However, I would guess that you have huge self-worth isssues and that this behaviour is what you do to make yourself feel temporarily good. You should seek help before you blow your life. The problem is not the sex. Many married couples I know don't even have sex twice a week. The problem is your addiction to risky things. Your husband is just to safe and predictable (again - I'll have him if you don't want him, my husband's desire to get a bit of excitement blew my world apart). Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
harleygirl92156 Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 My hubby always ranted and raved about the guys at work who cheated too. Always came home with these awful stories about this one doing that one and was just disgusted by it. What did I eventually find out. HE WAS ONE OF THEM!!!! Your husband is probably the biggest cheater he knows and talks like that to you to cover it up and make you unsuspecting!!! Go ahead and get your sexual needs met however you need tom just try and not do it with a married man, there are plenty of single guys out there willing to help you out. Am I bitter.........YEP!! Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar You don't have to give up a good f*ck just because you pushed out a couple puppies. Originally posted by harleygirl92156 Go ahead and get your sexual needs met however you need tom just try and not do it with a married man, there are plenty of single guys out there willing to help you out. Originally posted by sushisue After I cheated, I spent the whole night shaking and crying. I hate myself right now. did yall hear the lady? she's in pain after she cheated. And the prescription for that is.... lemme see.... continue cheating? wow.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by elijahBailey did yall hear the lady? she's in pain after she cheated. And the prescription for that is.... lemme see.... continue cheating? wow.... No one's saying she should continue cheating. There are just some of us here who understand her predicament. Sex is important to her and her husband isn't providing it enough. She has three choices, continue cheating, give up her sexual needs, or leave her husband. The choice is ultimately hers. I wouldn't want to have to make it, but I'm not going to judge her or throw the fact that has children in her face to make her feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 She can also buy some sex toys. She can watch some porn. She can really try hard to talk to her husband, so he will understand her needs. I know it isn't easy at times to have those discussions, but I personally don't think that "extra" effort was there, I think the "cheating" came easily. She doesn't seem to feel guilty or bad about her behaviour - She definately is selfish and thinking of her own needs before her children, let alone her husband. Part of marriage and ofcourse being a parent is, ONE GIVES UP certain things in life to make them happy. But obviously her sex life is more important . Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by ImaManDammit Its good thing humanity doesn't have a return counter, I'd hate to have the job. Loveshack IS the return counter. People come here broken-hearted because their ex has decided it's time to "up-grade". So many messages, and sometimes sympathy wanes. People begin posting blunt messages. "He/she's just not that into you". "Nobody should settle" (FOR YOU hears the already demoralised poster), "You are co-dependent/needy/jealous/too loaded with baggage." Sometimes I wish I'd found this site when I was in the middle of my last break up. Then I remember just how close to the edge I was feeling. I can only imagine what sort of post I would have written....and when I read some of the more de-sensitised "good to upgrade" messages, I thank God that I stuck with speaking to the people who love me. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by lindya I can only imagine what sort of post I would have written....and when I read some of the more de-sensitised "good to upgrade" messages, I thank God that I stuck with speaking to the people who love me. Most of the 'good to upgrade' posts here are tongue-in-cheek and are basically saying that if you need to cheat then have the decency to let your husband make his own choice - along the lines of 'if you are not happy in your relationship, then get out. Don't decide that your dissatisfaction is an excuse for wrecking the lives of other people. Link to post Share on other sites
paidraich Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar No one's saying she should continue cheating. There are just some of us here who understand her predicament. Sex is important to her and her husband isn't providing it enough. She has three choices, continue cheating, give up her sexual needs, or leave her husband. The choice is ultimately hers. I wouldn't want to have to make it, but I'm not going to judge her or throw the fact that has children in her face to make her feel guilty. Indeed I understand sushiesue's predicament. In fact, she may be the one female that I can indetify the most with. Lonestar is actually the first one that I can say that has responded to a post in a truly non-judgemental way, and despite all of the good intentions, and been-there-done-you're-wrong-for entertaining-the-thought-of-it points of views offered, I think many here could benefit from being a little more understanding and being a lot less contemptuous. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar She has three choices, continue cheating, give up her sexual needs, or leave her husband. The choice is ultimately hers. I wouldn't want to have to make it, but I'm not going to judge her or throw the fact that has children in her face to make her feel guilty. You're ignoring the fact that she chose to get married. At that point she gave up her "choice" to cheat. Her only legitimate choices are to leave or stay and not cheat. The cheating is a scummy thing to do, a barefaced lie and betrayal of the promises she made when she got married. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 You know, I always thought that too. And for the most part I still do. Until a friend of mine confided in me that her husband has not had sex with her in over a year. 56 weeks, to be exact. She's asked why (she's very attractive, nice bod, etc), he says he's just tired. She's begged him to see a doctor in case it's medical, he refuses. She asks if there's another woman - he says no. She has requested counseling - he won't go. They have a 4 year old child, so she doesn't want to leave him - but without so much as kisses and touching, she says she feels like something gross or not a woman. I told her, and I was shocked to hear it coming out of my mouth, that if she did have an affair, I wouldn't judge her. I'm not encouraging one - but wow. over a year. I'm not sure at what point the spouse isn't more or less telling their partner to do it. Because it seems cruel to me - what he is doing to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 My wife cheated on me and I left her. I hope your husband does the same. This is what men get when we try to be the honest and faithful nice guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 My wife cheated on me and I left her. I hope your husband does the same. This is what men get when we try to be the honest and faithful nice guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 My wife cheated on me and I left her. I hope your husband does the same. This is what men get when we try to be the honest and faithful nice guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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