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can the dumper who fell out of love, fall in love again with the same dumpee?

ydb_xo

By ydb_xo
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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ydb_xo Member

ydb_xo

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hello everyone,

 

I was wondering if anyone have ever fell out of love for the dumpee,

pretty much dumped saying "i love you but im not in love with you"

then realized that you miss the dumpee and believe that you were wrong that you actually do love them.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
hello everyone,

 

I was wondering if anyone have ever fell out of love for the dumpee,

pretty much dumped saying "i love you but im not in love with you"

then realized that you miss the dumpee and believe that you were wrong that you actually do love them.

 

Nope, I've never regretted leaving any partner.

  • Like 2
Justletgo Established Member

Justletgo

Posted
Posted

I wasn't in love with my first ex. I just loved her very much when the following happened...

 

I had to break up with her because she had kissed/also loved another guy.

Althought she was very sad, she of course ran into the other guys arms.

 

Almost immediately I wanted to win her back. Which was difficult because she had turned cold overnight.

After meeting for drinks she decided she really loved me more and wanted to work it out with me.

  • Like 1
drpepper1886 Established Member

drpepper1886

Posted
Posted

Happened to me, 3 years together, she fell out of love and left. NC for a year and she came back. Tried again and almost two years later left again for the same reason and here I am again. Lesson learned.

  • Like 7
aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

Posted
Posted
Happened to me, 3 years together, she fell out of love and left. NC for a year and she came back. Tried again and almost two years later left again for the same reason and here I am again. Lesson learned.

 

sorry to hear that! for what reason did she left?

kztar Established Member

kztar

Posted
Posted
sorry to hear that! for what reason did she left?

 

No they do not "FALL BACK IN LOVE". The sooner you get this in your head the sooner you will move on. You will go on the internet, research everything you can and in some cases read otherwise.

 

Believe me if they fell out of love, they were never that in love to begin with. Alot of times people think they are in love and in reality is not love but rather infatuation. My ex claimed to have fallen out of love with me and yara yara yara and a month later he had a new girlfriend. Yet he was still sitting there giving me hope and whatnot.

 

MOVE ON. It's easier said than done but really MOVE ON and DON'T look back!

  • Like 3
justagrl07 Member

justagrl07

Posted
Posted
hello everyone,

 

I was wondering if anyone have ever fell out of love for the dumpee,

pretty much dumped saying "i love you but im not in love with you"

then realized that you miss the dumpee and believe that you were wrong that you actually do love them.

 

Yes! It sure can happen! Happened to me. My ex and I broke up because he "fell out of love." We were apart for almost a year and he came back to me wanting to get back together and we've been back ever since. Sometimes they aren't familiar with how love works, especially if you were their first real love. The honeymoon phase dies, it happens in ALL relationships. It doesn't mean they aren't in love with you anymore, they just aren't INFATUATED. But many people think that when they don't feel butterflies anymore and things become routine, the love is gone. BUT it isn't. They will learn.

  • Like 2
justagrl07 Member

justagrl07

Posted
Posted
No they do not "FALL BACK IN LOVE". The sooner you get this in your head the sooner you will move on. You will go on the internet, research everything you can and in some cases read otherwise.

 

Believe me if they fell out of love, they were never that in love to begin with. Alot of times people think they are in love and in reality is not love but rather infatuation. My ex claimed to have fallen out of love with me and yara yara yara and a month later he had a new girlfriend. Yet he was still sitting there giving me hope and whatnot.

 

MOVE ON. It's easier said than done but really MOVE ON and DON'T look back!

 

I am sorry, but I do not agree with this statement. I would AGREE however to yes move on because you will be better prepared for anything- meaning whether they come back or not. But to tell someone that if they "fell out of love" they were never in love is simply not true. We all go through a time in our lives where we feel lost. I would do your thing and give them time to figure out their business. That doesn't mean to wait for them. Focus on you. Focus on rebuilding you, your professional and/or educational life, relationships with friends and family. If they come back into your life then that is up to you on whether you want to try again, but you will have reached a point in your life that you can be completely fine without them and open to being with someone new. Just don't think for a second they never loved you.

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ydb_xo Member

ydb_xo

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Posted (edited)

thank you everyone for the response

Edited by ydb_xo
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ydb_xo Member

ydb_xo

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Yes! It sure can happen! Happened to me. My ex and I broke up because he "fell out of love." We were apart for almost a year and he came back to me wanting to get back together and we've been back ever since. Sometimes they aren't familiar with how love works, especially if you were their first real love. The honeymoon phase dies, it happens in ALL relationships. It doesn't mean they aren't in love with you anymore, they just aren't INFATUATED. But many people think that when they don't feel butterflies anymore and things become routine, the love is gone. BUT it isn't. They will learn.

 

how long have you guys been together after he came back. and also, was it like you guys started all over?

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

I think the fact a dumper comes back must always be viewed with a degree of scepticism.

Dumpers decide to go their own way, because one, the relationship wasn't working for them and two, they felt they would be better seeing and sleeping with other people.

 

If "seeing other people" doesn't work out the way they felt it should, i.e. they weren't inundated with "hotties" or no-one else would put up with them for very long, then they can come back under the guise of "love", but actually it is more about practicality and self interest, than real love. I see on the boards yesterday a guy who was desperate to get back with his ex, not because he loved her, or wanted to be with her but because he just missed the sex...

 

Of course is nothing has really changed in the relationship, then it may only be a matter of time before the "dumper" gets bored or resentful or annoyed again, the very things that set them off on their path to freedom in the first place. The "reconciliation" thus may be short lived, or they mooch about not happy but feel they have to put up with it as they found the grass wasn't that green elsewhere.

 

I am not saying they never come back for "love" but just be wary.

  • Like 5
portwine Established Member

portwine

Posted
Posted
I think the fact a dumper comes back must always be viewed with a degree of scepticism.

Dumpers decide to go their own way, because one, the relationship wasn't working for them and two, they felt they would be better seeing and sleeping with other people.

 

If "seeing other people" doesn't work out the way they felt it should, i.e. they weren't inundated with "hotties" or no-one else would put up with them for very long, then they can come back under the guise of "love", but actually it is more about practicality and self interest, than real love. I see on the boards yesterday a guy who was desperate to get back with his ex, not because he loved her, or wanted to be with her but because he just missed the sex...

 

Of course is nothing has really changed in the relationship, then it may only be a matter of time before the "dumper" gets bored or resentful or annoyed again, the very things that set them off on their path to freedom in the first place. The "reconciliation" thus may be short lived, or they mooch about not happy but feel they have to put up with it as they found the grass wasn't that green elsewhere.

 

I am not saying they never come back for "love" but just be wary.

 

 

 

So true! Read my post about my ex girlfriend wanting to get back into my life. She's pleading, crying, and trying to manipulate her way back into my life now that she knows I'm seeing someone else. The more I ignore her the more persistent and inquisitive she becomes.

 

When an ex who ended a relationship wants you back, be very sceptical. They're either lonely, confused, need narcissistic fuel, or just horny. You were never a priority to begin with in their life and that's why they dumped you. If you decide to take them back the relationship is usually short lived because they'll grow tired of you again.

  • Like 3
justagrl07 Member

justagrl07

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Posted
how long have you guys been together after he came back. and also, was it like you guys started all over?

 

We were together for about 4 years, broke up for about a year and have been back together for going on 4 months. In some aspects it is as though we are starting a brand new relationship; however, it is hard because you are still very familiar with each other and there are some things that you just cant simply start "all over". There are certain things that maybe caused our relationship to end that have changed and maybe it is those things that makes our relationship feel new/ different and better than before. I hope this helps. If you want to know anything else, just ask!

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kztar Established Member

kztar

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Posted
I am sorry, but I do not agree with this statement. I would AGREE however to yes move on because you will be better prepared for anything- meaning whether they come back or not. But to tell someone that if they "fell out of love" they were never in love is simply not true. We all go through a time in our lives where we feel lost. I would do your thing and give them time to figure out their business. That doesn't mean to wait for them. Focus on you. Focus on rebuilding you, your professional and/or educational life, relationships with friends and family. If they come back into your life then that is up to you on whether you want to try again, but you will have reached a point in your life that you can be completely fine without them and open to being with someone new. Just don't think for a second they never loved you.

 

Im sorry, I disagree. First of all, when people really love each other they walk through the issues. When one person walks away for whatever reason, that's already saying enough about them. Don't know how old you are but if you read through a lot of these threads, older folks would agree that when you are truly in love with someone, that never really changes. However there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Im sure my ex loved me, im also sure he wasn't in love with me ever. He was infatuated then once that was gone there was really nothing left to fight for so he claimed he "fell out of love". When it comes to bettering yourself, we should be doing that ALL the time. Even when we are in a relationship. I hate the advice "work on yourself" because it makes it look like you have everything to improve in yourself because of a breakup and this is not true. Makes the dumpee look weak like they don't have their ***T together. This was an insult to me when I was going through my breakup.

 

It's okay to feel lost, confused but that doesn't mean that you need to throw your relationship down the trash.

 

Your case is one of the VERY VERY EXTREMELY rare cases in where the ex comes back. When we get dumped, we all wait and wish for this day but the truth of the matter is that is best to think that this will never happen. Im sure the OP has been looking at success stories of people who got back together and bla bla bla. Been there, done that and honestly it's pointless. Best to MOVE ON period.

 

I understand your point but if someone walks away ONCE, that's as much as I need to not allow them back into my life EVER again. That's creating a new opportunity for them to walk away again.

 

Best of luck to the OP. I say she needs to move on period.

  • Like 2
kztar Established Member

kztar

Posted
Posted
So true! Read my post about my ex girlfriend wanting to get back into my life. She's pleading, crying, and trying to manipulate her way back into my life now that she knows I'm seeing someone else. The more I ignore her the more persistent and inquisitive she becomes.

 

When an ex who ended a relationship wants you back, be very sceptical. They're either lonely, confused, need narcissistic fuel, or just horny. You were never a priority to begin with in their life and that's why they dumped you. If you decide to take them back the relationship is usually short lived because they'll grow tired of you again.

 

THISSSSS 100%. I would not even hesitate. NEXT!!!:D

  • Like 1
justagrl07 Member

justagrl07

Posted
Posted
Im sorry, I disagree. First of all, when people really love each other they walk through the issues. When one person walks away for whatever reason, that's already saying enough about them. Don't know how old you are but if you read through a lot of these threads, older folks would agree that when you are truly in love with someone, that never really changes. However there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Im sure my ex loved me, im also sure he wasn't in love with me ever. He was infatuated then once that was gone there was really nothing left to fight for so he claimed he "fell out of love". When it comes to bettering yourself, we should be doing that ALL the time. Even when we are in a relationship. I hate the advice "work on yourself" because it makes it look like you have everything to improve in yourself because of a breakup and this is not true. Makes the dumpee look weak like they don't have their ***T together. This was an insult to me when I was going through my breakup.

 

It's okay to feel lost, confused but that doesn't mean that you need to throw your relationship down the trash.

 

Your case is one of the VERY VERY EXTREMELY rare cases in where the ex comes back. When we get dumped, we all wait and wish for this day but the truth of the matter is that is best to think that this will never happen. Im sure the OP has been looking at success stories of people who got back together and bla bla bla. Been there, done that and honestly it's pointless. Best to MOVE ON period.

 

I understand your point but if someone walks away ONCE, that's as much as I need to not allow them back into my life EVER again. That's creating a new opportunity for them to walk away again.

 

Best of luck to the OP. I say she needs to move on period.

 

 

We are all entitled to our own opinion. I think it is important for the OP to realize there are many outcomes that can arise- either they come back or don't. I personally find love to be a very hard thing. It isn't easy. It sucks to have someone walk away and it is easy to just justify their actions as in they were never "in love with you". Love is not black and white. It would be great if everyone in the world fought for love when they felt something was changing in the relationship or to communicate once problems arose, but nobody is perfect. We are humans- we are all flawed and make mistakes. Some people walk away and it doesn't mean they don't love you or value the relationship. In my case my ex walked away because he was fighting certain feelings he had with himself. He felt that bringing them up to me would cause me to react and get angry so he felt better keeping them to himself because he didn't want to hurt me. However, with time he couldn't deal with his feelings anymore and broke up with me, which guess what- ended up hurting me! So it wasn't that he didn't fight for our love or relationship, he did- just with himself because he was scared that the in love feelings weren't there anymore. However, while we were apart, he took time to himself and read books on relationships and love, he also dated a little and found out that it is completely normal for the honeymoon phase to die! It wasn't that he fell out of love with me but the excitement, the butterflies, the spark died a little. But that alone can scare somebody into thinking the love is gone. It is important to keep the spark alive, but relationships can't be butterflies and rainbows 24/7 or else we would never start to have a real relationship dynamic. Relationships are hard work. Whether someone walks away does not mean they NEVER loved you.

  • Like 4
Lifeissomething Member

Lifeissomething

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Posted
We are all entitled to our own opinion. I think it is important for the OP to realize there are many outcomes that can arise- either they come back or don't. I personally find love to be a very hard thing. It isn't easy. It sucks to have someone walk away and it is easy to just justify their actions as in they were never "in love with you". Love is not black and white. It would be great if everyone in the world fought for love when they felt something was changing in the relationship or to communicate once problems arose, but nobody is perfect. We are humans- we are all flawed and make mistakes. Some people walk away and it doesn't mean they don't love you or value the relationship. In my case my ex walked away because he was fighting certain feelings he had with himself. He felt that bringing them up to me would cause me to react and get angry so he felt better keeping them to himself because he didn't want to hurt me. However, with time he couldn't deal with his feelings anymore and broke up with me, which guess what- ended up hurting me! So it wasn't that he didn't fight for our love or relationship, he did- just with himself because he was scared that the in love feelings weren't there anymore. However, while we were apart, he took time to himself and read books on relationships and love, he also dated a little and found out that it is completely normal for the honeymoon phase to die! It wasn't that he fell out of love with me but the excitement, the butterflies, the spark died a little. But that alone can scare somebody into thinking the love is gone. It is important to keep the spark alive, but relationships can't be butterflies and rainbows 24/7 or else we would never start to have a real relationship dynamic. Relationships are hard work. Whether someone walks away does not mean they NEVER loved you.

 

I hope the best for your 2nd go around.

 

But you mistake opinion for general experience. A lot of the input stated is based on how things happen and not opinion--most people breakup and that's it. I'm sure more people have broken up and stayed broken up, than broken up and then gotten back together. That's just how it is, when a relationship is over, it's over.

 

Sure there's exceptions--your case for example--but so what? Personal experience and chance cases aren't really worth much in terms of advice. Similarly, I smoked for 15 years and didn't get cancer--so because of my personal experience it's safe to say others can safely smoke for 15 years? Nonsense.

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LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

Posted
Posted
Sure there's exceptions--your case for example--but so what? Personal experience and chance cases aren't really worth much in terms of advice. Similarly, I smoked for 15 years and didn't get cancer--so because of my personal experience it's safe to say others can safely smoke for 15 years? Nonsense.

 

Excellent point. Of course, anything is possible. But a person falling out of love and then falling back in love is extremely rare. It's like asking "can I win the lottery if I buy a ticket?" Sure, but it's not very likely and not something you should expect to happen.

 

Also, just because a dumper comes back doesn't mean they're in love again. As others have mentioned, the dumper could have just come back due to lack of other options. Then they of course lie to the dumpee and say "it took being apart to realize how much I loved you" or some other nonsense because that sounds much nicer than "couldn't find anyone better, can we start ****ing again?"

  • Like 3
little_cloud New Member

little_cloud

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Posted

It happened to me as well. I was in a relationship for 2 years, we started arguing a lot, then split up. He left me. After 4 months or so he started contacting me via email again and kept doing this for 4 more months. I sometimes responded sometimes not. Always keeping it friendly, like a catch up. Then finally after the 4th month of his emails, I gave in and agreed to meet. Of course, when we met feelings came back and we started again a relationship. 2 more years past, same issues happened, and it went even worse. He cheated on me, came bagging for apology and well. I gave him a chance (very very bad decision!!), which he started using to always show how bad I am and how other girls are better than me. So I end it a week ago. It is very rarely that coming back to previous relationships works. Often this just leads to more heartache, or killing any good memory you had with this person. Time needs to pass so that the people would mature, change their actions and forget anything bad that happened in the past before restarting anything with the same person, but I would not advise it.

 

 

I know my person quite well now. He disappears, blocks me, then unblocks, waits until I get in contact with him and if not, he comes back sooner or later. The only thing I can change is my behaviour. And this time I want to move on. It will be better both for me and for him in a long term.

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ty10 Member

ty10

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There's no right or wrong answer - it is all very subjective. But for a dumper and dumpee to reconcile there for me are only two ways it is possible.

 

1 - It was a heat of the moment decision and the dumper comes back pretty much straight away and aims to reconcile and work through the problems.

 

2 - a few years have passed where both have completely moved on and grown as individuals - they are more mature and can communicate better and the issues that caused the first break have been resolved.

 

I know people who have broken up and got back together - all fall into category 2. But a year or more has passed and usually the reason they split was due to lack of maturity and communication and they had moved on.

 

I'm not saying hold out any hope and I really do think that's what this thread is about. I'm saying don't pin your hopes on one answer, every situation is different. All we can do as people is continue moving forward and if you're the dumpee - remember if your ex really wanted to be with you they would!

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RocketQueen Established Member

RocketQueen

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I am still an old romantic and believe in relationships anything can happen, much depends on many factors.

 

In my own recent experience though I have had a rude awakening with the one I (still) love. After a year apart with sporadic contact he contacted me and asked me how I felt about trying again, he still loved me blah blah...

 

Things were good for a while and the relationship was now Long Distance which added other problems that weren't there before. The bottom line is I think through the whole relationship he never TRULY loved me. He had been infatuated with me for years before and had 'dreamt' of us being together. Reality was very different and instead of realising his fantasy was false he saw it as a sign the relationship wasn't right.

 

For the most part I think when a dumper reconnects, whether they're conscious of it or not they're craving love and want a boost and I have likened myself to a comfy slipper, he knows how it feels and liked the temporary warmth I gave until he felt secure again- on his own.

 

I don't think I will ever believe a word he has to say again.

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Jatli Member

Jatli

Posted
Posted

My ex and I got back together after 1 1/2 years apart. We were together for 4 years and he left me and dated another woman. He realized that it was a big mistake and he persued me again. We started talking and hanging out.

 

We are now dating again (not moving back in together ) and have been for 9 months now. Things are good. We are taking it slow and it is a new relationship and it's good. So yes it does happen

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drewdude Established Member

drewdude

Posted
Posted (edited)
hello everyone,

 

I was wondering if anyone have ever fell out of love for the dumpee,

pretty much dumped saying "i love you but im not in love with you"

then realized that you miss the dumpee and believe that you were wrong that you actually do love them.

 

Hello YDB. I saw that you replied to my thread a couple days ago on this so I'll share my input. I feel that everyone is different especially people's expectations of love.

 

I did actually hear that same line with a past girlfriend(my recent one used it as well as you've read). As far as the past girl, she called me one night out of the blue 9 months after. Asking how I was first, then basically reminiscing about our relationship and said she missed me.

 

In the time apart, she got back with an old ex who used her, went on dates with guys that led nowhere and got herself back into school. She said i was a quality guy/generally treated her good and would always ask herself "what if?" when we were apart. But, by the time she came back, I was already over her and was seeing others.

 

I won't lie, I rekindled for a bit in a casual way but just couldn't bring myself to commit to her again because she broke my heart, wasnt on the same level to fix things even after i begged/pleaded and used those words on me. So after a couple months of going out I dropped her cold. Had she reached out sooner maybe things could have been different.

 

Now, many years later and currently dealing with that same line. 1 month and 7 days since the BU/NC and it still hurts. I put so much time, money and emotion into this recent one more than any other in my life. Would I take get back this moment? Yes. But I know it won't happen since she already monkey branched/dating new people a few days after our 1 year+ relationship.

 

PS. I'm not 100 percent sure on this, but more often than not those words mean there is someone else, they are seeing someone else or have GIGS. Many upon many have told me.

Edited by drewdude
gaig Established Member

gaig

Posted
Posted
We were together for about 4 years, broke up for about a year and have been back together for going on 4 months. In some aspects it is as though we are starting a brand new relationship; however, it is hard because you are still very familiar with each other and there are some things that you just cant simply start "all over". There are certain things that maybe caused our relationship to end that have changed and maybe it is those things that makes our relationship feel new/ different and better than before. I hope this helps. If you want to know anything else, just ask!

 

How did you start again? Did you talk straight from the beginning about trying again?

Or you met numerous times, in a friendly way, without any talk abut your previous relationship, and you start falling from the beginning for your "new selves"? (a year is a good period to change a bit for both of you)

justagrl07 Member

justagrl07

Posted
Posted
How did you start again? Did you talk straight from the beginning about trying again?

Or you met numerous times, in a friendly way, without any talk abut your previous relationship, and you start falling from the beginning for your "new selves"? (a year is a good period to change a bit for both of you)

 

Hello! Good questions. So we did not talk about our old relationship when we went on our first "let's catch up date". We just talked about what was new in our lives and what we have been up to. Later that night, he asked to see me again. I had a great time, so I agreed. On the second date we talked about "us" and the emotions we were feeling. Mostly, he opened up to me because he was the one that broke it off so suddenly so he had a lot of explaining to do and what he had learned about himself and our old relationship during the time apart (not saying I had no fault in our breakup). We decided from that night to "hang out and talk more often", but it wasn't official until a couple months later. I wanted to make sure that I held no resentment and that I could still see a future with us taking into consideration everything I went through from the breakup. Once we started hanging out more, things just became back to normal. Of course I will never forget the pain and heartache I felt but I have forgiven him and I have chose to move forward. I can 100% tell you that even though our breakup was a horrible/depressing period of my life, it has made both of us so much stronger and mature. We both have grown independently and have realized that you can not depend on any one for your happiness. Another thing, that made it easier to move forward and forgive was the amount of time that passed. I think if he came back a couple months after, there would be no way of it working out. In my opinion, the more time that passes, the better your chances are for a successful reconciliation (again that is just my opinion). I mean it sucks cause that means that most likely they dated others, slept with others, etc. but oh well it is what it is, and sometimes especially if that person is all you know, you need to go out there and test the waters and explore your horizons before settling. Especially if you want to be 100% sure that the person you are with is that right one for you and you have no doubts in your mind. Because I don't care what anyone says, for me marriage is a scary commitment. Idk how many marriages you know of that have worked out, but the amount I know are slim to none.

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